Jokes which make you feel a bit clever

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Clary
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." Then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

No need to apologise Clary - at least I understood yours!

How do you tell the difference between a Miner and a Chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionised.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will understand this. Some people appreciate these jokes, some don't, and the division is clear.

Statement: Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters.
Response: They aren't silent. They're just waiting their turn.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K.

With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state I feel like the target number should be 53 states - a prime number. "One nation, indivisible..."

And finally...
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?

And I should add these lion catching tactics from economics:
Methods from Political and Social Science

The Pentagon method. Construct a safe, secure cage and leave the door open. Alternate massive B-52 strikes across the Sahara desert with subtle propaganda campaigns emphasizing the safety and security of your cage. When a lion enters the cage, close and lock the door.

The supply-side method. Distribute vast quantities of lion food and eliminate all threats to the lion population. Put a cage in the desert and wait for the explosive growth of the lion population to force a lion into the cage.

The Marxist-Leninist method. Indoctrinate the gazelle population of the Sahara desert in dialectical materialism. Disguise your cage as a re-education camp for capitalist lions, and the gazelles will bring you all the lions you need.

And for anyone who doesn't know them how to catch a lion in the safari desert

Of which my favourite has to be:
The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise for the reader.

Engels inherits a house from an elderly relative. He invites Marx round to show it off, but also to see whether his friend can help solve a small plumbing problem. Very quickly, Marx goes to the bathroom, lifts the lid on the toilet, and removes some musical instruments.

"The problem, Engels, is the violins inherited in the cistern"

"Police pull Heisenberg over on the motorway. Cop asks him if he knows how fast he's going. Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am". "

Schrodinger was also in the car with Heisenberg. Given that he's stopped them, the cop decides to check the car out.

"Hey, did you know you had a dead cat in the boot"
"Well, it's dead now"

These are great - more please!

Love the attempted murder one, great for the non-mathematicians/scientists in my family

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Loving these.
I think the 789 etc jokes DO fit precisely because they are the "gateway jokes" to those that require more sophisticated background knowledge.

The binary/ternary version of that joke is I think my (12 yr old) son's preferred version of it :)

I have a music one:

A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar. The barman says "sorry, I don't serve minors"

It had a massive long music theory joke story after that but I can't remember it!

Man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of energy. The barman hands it over and says ‘That’ll be 80p’

Sorry...I've got a lot of these as am a physicist and also used to be a teacher so they went down like a helium balloon...

Bobbins just beaten me to the two atoms one.

How do flat earthers travel the world?

On a plane

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half lives?

Police pull Heisenberg over on the motorway. Cop asks him if he knows how fast he's going. Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am".

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive"

Not clever but might appeal to them mathematicians.
A man decides to hire someone to manage the finances of his company. He interviews and mathematician, statistician and accountant.
He ask all three the same question:
What is 1+1?
The mathmatician says 1+1 is 2.
The man says; “is it always 2?”
“Always says the mathmatician.
He asks the statistician;
“Before I can answer Id have to consider a variety of factors”.
He then asked the accountant,.
He looked uncomfortable, looked around the room.
“Is anyone listening to this conversation?”
“No” said the man.
The accountant leant forward and whispered
“What would you like 1+1 to be?”.

Apologies for these MFL "jokes":

What do you call a man wearing sandals?
Philippe Pheloppe

The present, the past and the future were all in a bar. The atmosphere was a bit tense.

I love the atom one best

An electron in search of a mate
Thought Heinsenberg worthy of hate
Whenever I whirl
To the place of a girl
I either miss the time, or the place, or the date

There is a bull in a field and he comes across a bomb. The bull swallows the bomb.

It's abominable!

(Gets coat...)

Ah I get it now. Assumed mew was a roof type thing :)

Love these. Need to Google the mew one...