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Jokes which make you feel a bit clever

138 replies

noblegiraffe · 12/12/2017 20:33

It has been a long term, how about something a bit more light-hearted? I'll start:

Today I couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 or 500.
I was LIVID.

Three cats sat on a roof. Which one slid off?
The one with the lowest mew.

Two cats, called OneTwoThree and UnDeuxTrois were having a swimming race across the Channel. Which cat won?
OneTwoThree cat, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
LinoleumBlownapart · 17/12/2017 00:35

Why can't run through a campsite?
You can only ran because it's past tents.

CCMcGarry · 17/12/2017 00:31

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb... ?

It doesn't matter as the light bulb must really want to change... !!!

contortionist · 17/12/2017 00:16

What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's lemon.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 17/12/2017 00:12

I love this one.

Jokes which make you feel a bit clever
KittyHugs · 17/12/2017 00:03

My daughter's favourite..

Jokes which make you feel a bit clever
Shankarankalina · 16/12/2017 23:57

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says 'Five beers, please!'

PerkingFaintly · 16/12/2017 23:57

Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Shankarankalina · 16/12/2017 23:57

A Roman walks into a bar and says 'I'll have a martinus, bar-keep!'
'Don't you mean a martini?'
'No; if I'd wanted a double, I would have said.'

PerkingFaintly · 16/12/2017 23:45

What do you get if you cross a mountain with a mountaineer?

You can't. A mountaineer's a scalar.

PerkingFaintly · 16/12/2017 23:43

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a goat?

|sheep| |goat| sin theta n

BobbinThreadbare123 · 16/12/2017 23:34

Q: How many theoretical physicists specialising in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Where does criminal light end up?
In prism.

HatieCockpins · 16/12/2017 23:32

What do you get when you cross a mathematician with a cheerleader?

"1,1,2,3,5,8, Who do we appreciate?"

"Fibonacci!"

BobbinThreadbare123 · 16/12/2017 23:28

Billy was a chemist
But Billy is no more
Cos Billy added H2O
To H2SO4

GBroGal · 16/12/2017 22:11

Q: What do you call a dead bee?
A: a Was

OlennasWimple · 16/12/2017 21:50

Which Tyler led the Pedants' Revolt

steppemum · 16/12/2017 21:44

dd has some ace periodic table jokes.
You have already heard the 16 sodiums and batman.

Do you want to hear a joke about sodium?
Na

I would tell you more, but all the good ones argon

BarkisIsWilling · 16/12/2017 21:35

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American Samoan, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentinian, an Armenian, an Australian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bengali, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bermudan, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Botswanan, a Brazilian, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cape Verdean, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Caymanian, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comorian, a Congolese, a Cook Islander, a Costa Rican, an Ivorian, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czechlander, a Danish, a Djiboutian, a Dominican, a Timorese, an Ecuadorian, an Egyptian, a Salvadoran, an Equatoguinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinean, a Bissau-Guinean, a Guyanan, a Haitian, a Herzegovinan, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irish person, an Israeli, an Italian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordinian, a Kazakh, a Kenyan, an I-Kirbati, a Kittitian, a Korean, a Kosovar, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Basotho, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourder, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivian, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Montenegrin, a Moroccan, a Mozambican, a Burmese, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepali, a Nevisian, a Dutch, New Zealean, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerien, a Nigerian, a Niuean, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papuan, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Filipino, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Puerto Rican, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Saint Vincentian, a Samoan, a Sammarinese, a São Toméan, a Saudi Arabian, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovak, a Slovene, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Sudanese, a Sudanese, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tokelauan, a Tongan, a Trinidadian and a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Turkmen, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukranian, an Englishman, an Englishwoman, a Welshman and a Welshwoman, an American, a Uruguayan, an Uzbek, a Ni-Vanuatu, a Vaticanian, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Yemeni, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all walk into a fancy restaurant.

The maître d' says, “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

DramaticIroning · 16/12/2017 21:22

How go you comfort an English teacher who has hurt themselves? Their, they're there

StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2017 21:20

But what about a joke about potassium?
K

DramaticIroning · 16/12/2017 21:20

Want to hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO

Crikeyblimey · 16/12/2017 21:05

A programmer is going to the shop and asks his mate if he wants anything. 'A loaf of bread please and if they sell eggs, bring me half a dozen'.
Programmer comes back with six loaves.

noblegiraffe · 16/12/2017 20:58

How does Pavlov get his hair so shiny?
Classical conditioning

OP posts:
caoraich · 16/12/2017 20:46

Ha ha loving these

Here's a vaguely medical one

A parasitic infection walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". The infection replies "Well you're not a very good host!"

allegretto · 16/12/2017 20:11

@sadik yes please!

BrawneLamia · 16/12/2017 19:53

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft

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