Son yr 7 hates new school

as people have said, it isn't usual for a child to be this upset this far in.

But it is a tricky one as it may seem to him the grass is greener in a smaller mixed school but that might not be the case? It maybe that no secondary school will ever be as lovely as his primary school was (in his eyes)? So while I would be taking him seriously, I wouldn't want to rush into any decision - certainly not this side of Christmas?

It sounds like the current school are working hard to help him settle - I think I would really get that dialogue going. Maybe weekly meetings? Do everything you can to resolve it. Encourage him to invite new friends over/meet them outside school? Encourage him to try clubs you think he'll like? Make sure he stays in touch with other primary school friends - it's very unlikely that they all completely love their new schools with no reservation and that may help him get things in perspective?

If after everything you've tried he still is upset and unsettled at Christmas then I would move him. new start for a new year?

FWIW I have a ds who sounds quite similar to yours - at primary school everyone always thought he was super confident, but he can be anxious and sensitive and he did find year 7 difficult. Year 8 has somehow been easier - he has made some new friends and discovered that he can play rugby! It's a tricky business this - hope it all works out for your ds.

You need to try and work out if his anxiety is coming as a result of that particular school or as a reaction to the massive change in moving from primary to secondary. He may well have the same feelings in another school if the root cause isn't identified.

I work with children in a residential setting (summer camp in the USA) and each year we have children who really struggle to adapt. It's not the Camp - they all happily admit that they have a great time - but the being away from home, being overwhelmed at noisy mealtimes (500 kids all in one room), being in a different bed, making new friends etc. Those are things that would upset them at any camp, not just mine. We work with the parents to get to the bottom of it. Some go home, some decide to stick it out and from those some come back next summer, some go to a different camp and some never go to camp again.

If it was my child of course I would move him in a flash!!!!

i know 3 children who moved schools in y7 (or start of y8) because they hated the original school. One is much happier. One is reasonably settled at new school, but overall the parents now think it was more the change from primary to secondary that was the problem and that the DC would probably have settled at the original school if they had given it longer. Third child now wants to move back to orginal school!

Op can you ring the school today? Very often the schools admin team are there, and might be able to help you. Possibly you could visit tomorrow? It would be a nightmare to miss the one place he could move to.

I would move him immediately, his reaction is very extreme for his age, and this must be incredibly worrying for you. Even the idea of returning is causing this level of panic is not normal, and he has been there for six weeks already so should have settled by now.

Have you spoken to his form tutor? I wondered what was in place for him, a mentor or a point of contact for him to talk to whilst you are waiting for him to be moved might go a long way to reassuring him, that and telling him you are taking action, he needs to be patient but you are listening and you are doing everything you can, as quickly as you can.

A mixed smaller school sounds like a much better environment for him even if you can't get him a place at the more academic school. He will do well academically in any school where he can feel happy and relaxed, so the emphasis needs to be on his contentment and not chasing the league table results.

Wishing you both the best of luck, and hope you find a place for him soon.

I was utterly miserable for much of my time at secondary school. It got so bad at one point that I thought about killing myself. My parents did what they could but the wasn't another school that I could move to.

If you can get your lad somewhere else then don't hesitate.

My son is similar and at a very big mixed school- 1200 pupils y7-y11 and he is now in yr8. He was increasingly upset as y7 progressed but couldn't tell us what the problem was so we just thought it was a bit of moaning/a bit hormonal.

Over the summer we got our lovely pleasant boy back and he cried and cried at the thought of going back to school. It's all the physicality, the bad behaviour of others in class and general firefighting from teachers, (outstanding school though so not too dramatic I don't think) the business, the noise etc that upset him although he has a nice group of friends and enjoys the rugby and other sports.

I had a word with him about the possibility of changing schools and that there was no need to be unhappy. Despite being pretty opposed to private school (and not rich) we started investigating other options locally, smaller schools really, and also state boarding schools.

Long story short, I wish I had acted earlier as now he realises I won't leave him miserable and that there are other options he is much more relaxed.

Whilst you are waiting to change schools you could also try the senco at his current one, he / she may have ideas to help. My son is suspected Aspergers but isn't starting until next year and he hates change in schools, we are anticipating a very unsettled start and have been advised to talk to sencos. Sencos do cover emotional needs, there doesn't have to be any educational needs (mine has none) or diagnosis of anything (mine doesn't have one, just a lot of eccentric behaviour and very emotional at school), they can just help with a child not coping. Having said that from what I've seen at the moment resources seem to be pretty minimal but might be worth a quick chat to make the wait more bearable.

I think sometimes we are put off moving by the feeling that you should not run away from a difficult situation - that in life you can't always do that so dc should learn to try to cope.

But there is another way of looking at it - which is that you teach a dc a very valuable lesson if you show them that 'you don't have to stay in an intolerable situation - you have the ability to walk away and improve your life that way.'

On the other hand, there is something to be said for giving it a fair try! Many people hate the first day/week of a new job. Half a term may be enough though - it depends on the individual situation. If the culture is shoving and playfighting that gets out of hand, is that likely to change, or is ds likely to 'adapt' to it (rather than just learn to put up with it)?

My heart breaks for your boy. Grab this other school place now. I would absolutely hate having to go to a school like the one you describe but we expect our young children to put up with it.
At the very best, he may learn to cope but will he thrive there? I doubt it. And at what cost to his fragile esteem and mental health.
Your boy has done his best to manage his anxieties all through his life so far but this is too much for him. Step in now and help him. Sometimes the best and right thing to do is NOT to stick out a hideous situation. Sometimes the best thing to do is to take action.
(You could investigate waiting list for other school where his friends went too.)

Mchum many sympathies - I think that is what I meant in my pp below that it is always tempting to wait a bit longer to see if it improves a bit, and it may do for a bit but never really does - and then suddenly years have gone by and you wish you'd moved at the beginning. And yes the inertia can even mean you don't change for 6th form and then regret that too!

Still, I suppose you don't know what the counterfactual is - presumably there was something ok about your ds's school, so the new one could theoretically have been worse! (small consolation?)

Op, reading your post again your ds does sound utterly miserable - particularly the bit about spending time in the nurse's room. Many sympathies to you also - it is wrenching to have a child who is unhappy at school. How does he feel about sticking it out for another 6 weeks? Would it maybe be better just to go now? Not trying to 'push' you in either direction, but I think sometimes it can be better to cut your losses quickly (or some such metaphor), so at least don't rule that out if on first Monday of next half term he really seems unhappy to be going back.

Move him. Our ds was in a similar situ in yr 7, stuck it out till end of 6th form and we all regret it.

I would move him as its not normal for a child to be that upset for so long, there's something wrong and you've already tried the tutor and it hasn't helped and it doesn't sound like its an amazing school.

I would put schools down in the order you prefer them and move to the best with places available. Explain to the new school how unsettled he was at the old one and see what support they can put in place, maybe ask about that when you visit schools.

If he stays unsettled contact the form tutor. If that fails try the senco, it should fall under emotional needs if unhappiness persists. He may be fine at a different school though it is a big change to secondary. Hope you find a solution.

Are you not on the oversubscribed school’s waiting list already.

Where I live if your child doesn’t get a place in the school that was your top choice they are automatically put on the waiting list for that school for the whole of year7.

I would phone the oversubscribed school, and get on their waiting list. If you are near the top of said list, I would probably keep him at his existing school and ask him if he wants to move as and when a place becomes available. This might be quite soon, as parents of DC on the list may not want to move their DC if DC have settled happily elsewhere.

Otherwise, I would probably move him to the school where there is a place. It sounds, from what you write, that DS has decided his existing school isn't for him and, no matter what you/the school do, he won't be happy. A move may be just what he needs. Would also explain to him the travel implications, and do the bus journey with him before accepting the place so that he knows exactly what he is signing up to.

I would say move. My ds went to a school we both thought was going to be perfect for him. Very impressed with it. Reality was different.
I kept it going too long and the effect on ds was horrendous. (Not as simple as your case as ds has Sen and school weren't supporting him).

He eventually became too anxious to attend. He then moved schools and we haven't looked back.

Hi Gold, do check how long the school will keep the place for you - it may be less than a few weeks (I think it sometimes can be as little as 7 days), and bird in the hand and all that.