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Original poster

Son suspended

34 replies

sinceyouask · 14/10/2017 10:47

Ds1 started secondary school this year. Less than half a term in and he has earned a fixed term exclusion. He deserves it, it's a serious offence (I am not going to say what it is as anyone who knows me and may read this will definitely be able to identify me). He has been under CAMHS for a year with a diagnosis of ADHD for which he is medicated and occasionally sees a psych, who mostly advises me to be kind and him to try to behave. I work in mental health and given the seriousness of this latest issue and the fact that he seems not to recognise how serious is is, I have managed to wangle him a pro bono appointment with one of our psychiatric consultants on Monday afternoon. The consultant is a very experienced psych who is attached to our camhs PICU and I believe will be able to formulate a more accurate diagnosis than we have had so far. DS1 reminds me very much of some of the children who end up on our PICU and our psych agreed his behaviours and way of thinking about them sounded similar to certain patients when I explained what was happening. ADHD does not explain what he has done.

Anyway, his mental health is not what I wanted to talk about here. It's the sheer bloody shame. I don't feel like I can bear to face the school again, although obviously I have to, not least at the reintegration meeting. I feel like they will judge us forever as a terrible family. DS2 is supposed to be going to that school in a few years but I have started to think maybe he shouldn't because no matter how professional the staff at ds1's school are, they will always see ds2 as his brother. Ds2 is almost his polar opposite- the most trouble he has ever been in in his life was having his name moved down two spaces for talking too much!

I'm annoyed that when ds1 first presented obvious issues years ago, his primary school brushed them off and it wasn't until I cried to my GP and begged that he was referred to camhs; primary school eventually promised to refer him to the ed psych but never did. And his secondary school didn't take my concerns seriously until this incident. I tried from before he started to alert them to the fact that ds's problems are far more significant than they seemed to think (based on the info handed over by primary school). They really seemed to see me as an over anoxious helicopter mother. Now of course, they know why I was worrying.

I know this post is a bit ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. I feel like an awful mother. I don't know what to do. I don't have much hope for ds1's future.

What should I be asking the school at and in preparation for the reintegration meeting? How can I get ds1 to understand how serious the situation is? How can I deal with this shame and guilt?

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 14/10/2017 12:42

Why are you feeling shame when what is happened has more to do with inadequate MH services rather than your parenting?

Read your post back. You've raised concerns, asked for help, asked for referrals, been knocked back (almost certainly because of a. poor education in MH issues in a non-specialist population of education workers who are suddenly being made gatekeepers of access to medical services and b. inadequate provision of MH services - which are cut-back and rationed as a cost-deflation measure).

None of that is your fault. I'm not sure it's the schools' fault either (primary or secondary). As a society 'we' seem to have taken a decision to really cut back on health spending, and MH spending in particular.

So, ditch the guilt about your parenting - it's not going to help you with the road ahead for either you or your son. Sadly, that road ahead may see more struggles to get identification, support and help. I'm worry that blaming a parent is a very cost-effective option - you cannot afford to start blaming your parenting because I suspect you are going to have to fight that attitude to get support for your son and your family.

ASauvignonADay · 14/10/2017 12:36

* FATE if the school isnt providing appropriate support to meet a need regardless of diagnosis, then the pupil should not be punished*
I don’t think OP has suggested this, I think she suggests the FTE was appropriate (unless I read wrong).

A serious incident which harms the safety, welfare or education of other students should be weighed against any mitigating factors.

ASauvignonADay · 14/10/2017 12:32

* Have you sat before the governors yet regarding the exclusion, or is that part of the integration? It's a legal requirement, so will happen.*
It is not a legal requirement re a fixed term exclusion.

ASauvignonADay · 14/10/2017 12:31

Do not feel shame and guilt. You are not an awful mother. I am working with a few parents (and we have excluded their DSs this year already) and I like and respect them.

It’s difficult to suggest what should be discussed at the readmission meeting without knowing what the incident was (whether us was persistent disruptive behaviour or a more ‘one off’ serious incident).
Certainly, what will be put in place to try and prevent it from happening again (school will want to do this). Does there need to be a review of his SEN?

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 14/10/2017 12:26

FATE if the school isnt providing appropriate support to meet a need regardless of diagnosis, then the pupil should not be punished. I would hope that part of your panel discussions absolutely cover what support should be in place and is that support being actually provided? Parents repeatedly raise concerns, particularly if they can see that their child is out of sync with a peer group, and most are ignored by schools. It is not acceptable for parents concerns to be ignored and then pupils excluded. I would be starting to question whether the exclusion was legal.

FATEdestiny · 14/10/2017 12:19

I sit on fixed term exclusion meeting panels probably every other week, as a governor. Have you sat before the governors yet regarding the exclusion, or is that part of the integration? It's a legal requirement, so will happen.

Don't worry, they really won't judge you. Not the first time at least. Once I've seen the same parents on a panel 4, 5, 6..., then I may start (internally, personally) questioning parenting. But definitely not the first. Express yourself as you have here - embarrassed, disappointed and determined that this will not happen again. You may then be seen in a positive light, certainly not negatively.

The way not to be is smug, dismissive, lik3 you don't care. There are many parents who are defensive too ("he did it because of x y z, so it's not his fault"). Be careful with your mental health investigations that this doesn't cross a line to excuse unacceptable behaviour in a defensive way. By all means explain that you hope these investigations means you will never be here again, but I would maintain that even so, his behaviour cannot continue and is unacceptable.

midsummabreak · 14/10/2017 11:55

Have PM d you

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 14/10/2017 11:48

Quickly. There is no shame for you nor need to feel guilt.

You identified issues and tried to get help earlier in his life. He has been let down by people and professionals who should be supporting and helping you. They didnt. They should but probably never will feel shame and guilt over that. You are "lucky" in that you have good contacts - most of us who have similarly been let down, do not.

So go into school - to that meeting and state clearly that this is the type of issue that you have spent years trying to get help to avoid and now it is time for this school to take proactive action to prevent future issues. It is unlikely that anything will happen quickly but you have marked clearly your concerns and your previous actions.

Rosieposy4 · 14/10/2017 11:32

The school will not be judging you, especially as you agree he deserved his exclusion. They almost certainly will put him on a contract and get both of you to sign it.
You could ask for more help and support for him, that would be reasonable given his issues.
If it is a big school, and you have a relatively commone surname, then most staff will not ever make the connectionbetween your two kids, especially if there is a few years between them, and some staff will have left and new ones started. Those that do realise should treat your ds2 as his own person and not prejudge him, though sadly probably a few might.

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