Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Can anyone help? What to do with a Year 13 who won't work?

34 replies

AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 20/09/2017 16:54

Hi there. Sorry that this is a long post but I'm hoping that some users may be able to give me some perspective and guidance. DS is my eldest and neither DH or I did 'A' levels so I feel out of my depth.

Background: DS has always been bright but unfocussed. Nice boy, teachers like him, knows his stuff when pushed but too chatty / not enough effort / rather be doing sport / can't be arsed. Eventually got 11GCSEs (3 A, 6 B, 2 C) in Year 11 through a combination of tutors, bribery, us putting our lives on hold and a bit of effort on his part.

Roll on Year 12... delighted he got in, teachers impressed with him... translated into no effort, bare minimum of work, hardly any revision for AS, resulting in D, D, D, E. Still met the requirement of 3 Ds for Year 13, but had to drop subject he really liked as only got E. He wasn't particularly bothered - just pleased that he got in to Year 13.

We are now 2 weeks in to Year 13.. he's already had detentions for being late - not handing in work or not handing in work that's hand enough effort etc. Its a very good school. Teachers are supportive and he's been put on a support / structure programme. I feel sorry for the school that they've got such a difficult pupil who is ignoring their efforts. I'm going in tomorrow to speak with them (at their request).

I have many questions, I suppose, but some are:

Is it possible to get reasonable A Level grades from 3 x D at AS? Is there any point in continuing if he can't?
Should I suggest he leaves school and does something else? College? Apprenticeship? Job?
Should I just leave him to fail (or thrive - small chance but who knows)

I know there's no magic answer but wondering if anyone could give me any guidance or suggestions... my instinct is to leave him to it, but it feels like too big a mistake to allow him to make :-(

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
PeaceAndLove1 · 23/09/2017 17:08

My son has just started year 3 of A level. Need I say more! Sorry no advice, you aren't on your own though.
The gap year in Aus sounds good.

noarguments · 23/09/2017 16:31

We tried the "calm conversation" ourselves, it did work a bit, and he said the right things, including saying he'll look into higher apprenticeships / possibly university courses, but he still doesn't know what areas interest him, which is our main worry (business and science level 3 BTECs, hardly inspiring!!),. So far he's not done any of that research (and he too disappeared off to an overnight gathering before we got home). Ho hum.

Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 23/09/2017 10:08

Thanks again all.
I've no idea how things will progress; DS had a half day yesterday as school was closing early for an open evening... his attitude was different, in that he planned to do study in the afternoon..

DH & I were both at work so now idea if he actually did... got home to find he was going out and staying at friends, and still not back. So who knows? Not looking positive but we are sticking to our 'backing off' approach as he knows it's down to him.

At least DH and I are less tense... we were starting to bicker with the stress of it.. we seem more united now we've both agreed to let him sink or swim (at least for the next fortnight).

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 22/09/2017 21:06

I hope things go well for you, and DS, in the future. Hopefully today will have been the kick up the backside he needed.

Floralnomad · 22/09/2017 21:06

I don't think a p/t job is a bad idea , my extremely lazy ds had a job through most of his A levels and all of university ( retail supervisor) , if anything it helped him because he knew if he wanted to go out at the weekend he had to do the school stuff on certain nights in the week because sat / sun he was at work . It helped that he really enjoyed his job but it certainly put an end to the 'oh I can do all that school work on a Sunday ' attitude that he had all through his GCSEs , which was then a nightmare on the Sunday . The only advantage mine had was he is very bright and never actuallly did much work . Good luck with it but I do think you have the right attitude .

pizzaparty11 · 22/09/2017 20:56

Would he consider getting a part time job he can do alongside college?
with all due respect, I think that's a terrible idea! The last thing he needs now is the distraction of a p/time job!
The trouble is, not only are A2s more difficult it is mathematically more difficult to pull up his grade without doing resits, which again would be a distraction from his A2s.

Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 21/09/2017 21:01

Thanks BossWitch. The penny has dropped with me (finally) that it's not helpful to be so facilitating in the face of abject disregard... so a different approach it is!

Thanks for good luck wishes - have a feeling am going to me them!

OP posts:
BossWitch · 21/09/2017 20:36

Well done! Hopefully the shock will give him the kick up the arse he needs. Good luck!

Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 21/09/2017 19:58

Quick update.. thanks for everyone's comments.

We went to see Head of 6th form today - really nice guy, plus also teaches DS in one subject. DS was at the meeting.

In a nutshell; we told the teacher that DS was not motivated, wasn't putting any work in, wasn't worried about being late to school etc. (No surprises to the teacher). We also said that we had pushed / pulled him through Year 11, had been unable to get him to understand that Year 12 was serious, and were not prepared to waste our breath for another year.

DS was pretty shocked to be honest. It felt terrible to sort of wash our hands of him, but we basically said to the teacher he has everything he needs (space, laptop, materials, sports coaching, great teachers, support at school etc.), he's old enough to take responsibility and it's now down to him.

The teacher was great. He knows DS really well.. the result of the meeting was DS volunteered of his own accord to make significant changes in the next two weeks.

So we'll see.. but he was shocked to see DH & I go in and say 'enough is enough.. if he fails, its down to him'... so maybe there's hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 21/09/2017 09:12

Thank you for your post, Crumbs. Really interesting to see the alternatives. I think perhaps some work experience in different areas would be useful. Sounds like your DS now has a fantastic future.

DS has mooted an interest in the police; perhaps we need to guide him into looking at entry etc. so he knows what his goal could be. I think we also need to give him access to some decent careers advice... his school careers is more enthusiastic than specialised..

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 21/09/2017 08:52

One of ours was a bit like that. He had poor AS grades (not quite as poor admittedly). We got him work experience with the forces and he found where he wanted to go in life. We then saw he needed just three Cs at A2 and decided to encourage this ambition as a more structured environment than university to grow up in. The school wasn't amazing to be honest but at least let him stay.
We sent him to residential crammer courses at Christmas and Easter where he got 121 tuition for seven days for eight hours a day. Expensive but worth it. Several friends did the same with good outcomes.
We added in tuition at home two hours three times a week face to face and four hours online (which was brilliant- using Skype for lessons with very good tutoring).
We added in support to prepare for army board assessment with a practice weekend offered by a private company. Then we emulated what they offered and put him through lots of tough interviews with with friends giving firm feedback about eye contact, sitting straight, diction, clarity of answers. We played army top trumps so he learned all the facts and figures about the army. We got a personal trainer to make sure he was fit enough. He grew more excited and passionate as he found himself succeeding.
We then incentivised with £250 for every grade A nothing for less.
He got three As and a B and could have had his choice of university but went ahead with army and went directly to Sandhurst in the September following A levels. He's had some tough moments and teasing about his youth but really loves it. He'll get a funded degree.
University isn't the only way but what he does should be a choice not something he does because he hasn't the grades to do what he wants.
Careers advice might help give him something to aim for.

Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 21/09/2017 08:40

The Second - we have the same situation. Parties galore. I can understand that parties are more fun than study - of course.. but it's just got out of hand.

Last night we messaged DS's main friends parents (who we know well through sport) and let them know that DS was only going to socialise on a Friday and Saturday evening due to school issues...

The number of times a friend comes round after school because they've driven him home and then hung out for a couple of hours has become ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 21/09/2017 08:37

Thanks all. Noarguments and Jamie - sorry that you have a similar situation :-(

We have a meeting with the head of 6th form later today which DS will also be attending.

We took this approach last night; sat him down for a 'calm' conversation. Told him that we've got a meeting with the school, and that both we and the school did not think that there was value in continuing with the A level courses only to achieve Ds or Es at best ( the school hasn't said this - yet ). Ie - we intimated that the meeting was to discuss his future at the school and to ask the school for other recommendations such as college / apprenticeships.

He was worried. Adamant that there was no way he's leaving the school and going elsewhere. He said to give him a two week trial and see how much he's improved and go from there. Then he went and spent the rest of the evening in his room actually doing school work.

He does seem genuinely worried - good. But how that will translate to continuing performance, I don't know.

OP posts:
noarguments · 20/09/2017 20:19

I came on to write almost exactly the same tale of woe about my DS - I'm also pulling my hair out. Every time I try to talk to him about his plans, maybe looking into courses / apprenticeships etc etc. he just shuts down and stomps off. I feel I'm making matters worse, but can't sit around and watch him do badly in his courses, and end year 13 with no plans. Our school does tend to focus on university applications which doesn't help as I don't think he wants to go. I FEEL YOUR PAIN. xx

TheSecondOfHerName · 20/09/2017 19:54

He has no interests apart from going out with friends, watching TV and going to parties - none of which really adds to his personal statement.

This sounds familiar. DS1 (also Y13) went to three different parties last weekend (two 18th birthday parties and the 17th birthday party of a friend in the year below). Also seems to fit in a fair amount of Netflix.

catslife · 20/09/2017 19:47

It depends on what the sixth form teachers say OP but it could be possible that if there isn't any improvement in his work ethic soon, he may not make it to the end of Y13.
If his main interest is sport there are BTEC type qualifications in sport that may interest him more or could he obtain a part-time job as a sports coach or life-guard or similar.
Does the sixth form have careers advisors that can help and do they provide help for those seeking apprenticeships or employment or do they just focus on university entrance?
Apprenticeships can be started at any time in the year and there are vacancies available where trainees can start as soon as possible.

GeorgeTheHamster · 20/09/2017 19:36

I think a part time job might open his eyes to the world outside school and get him to wise up a bit.

Assuming he spends too long pissing about on the internet, can you turn it off (or just change the password) for a couple of hours a day?

TeenTimesTwo · 20/09/2017 18:44

If he's not going to university, then switching now to a BTEC could mean that in 2 years he has a vocational qualification rather than rubbish A levels. Which might be more helpful.

Or let him fail / do poorly in A levels, and then maybe he'll be more mature and he could look at some kind of apprenticeship?

TeenTimesTwo · 20/09/2017 18:42

Do you fund him as in pay an allowance or pay for him to go out?
If so, maybe stop that / make it conditional on a certain level of work being done?

ragged · 20/09/2017 18:41

I think I would encourage him to find something to do that he enjoys (for now) & can see a future in. Doesn't sound like he enjoys college or sees any future that follows from A-levels, so why waste his time on them.

Lily2007 · 20/09/2017 18:35

Would he consider getting a part time job he can do alongside college? Around here David Lloyd take staff his age to help with kids sports clubs after school and they also get free use of all facilities, something like that. I wouldn't be opposed to a gap year if he can self fund it.

Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 20/09/2017 18:31

BossWitch - you're right - we did drag rather than push him through his GCSEs ...

I do feel reluctant to let him fail...It's not really in my nature but equally - spoon feeding isn't going to help him long term (and it's not even working short term anyway).

SavoyCabbage... I could give that a go - good shout

I'm out for a whlie now so apologies that I won't be responding..

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 20/09/2017 18:20

Could you give him a minimum wage lifestyle for a while? Walking instead of lifts in the car, plenty of lentils, baked beans and eggs etc. It's bloody hard.

BossWitch · 20/09/2017 18:16

Part of me thinks that the best thing to do long term is let him coast and fail. Sounds like you dragged him through gcses and got him middling grades, and now you feel like you're still responsible for getting him decent a levels too. At what point does he learn to be responsible for himself?

Original poster
AtWitsEndwith6thformer · 20/09/2017 18:12

noblegiraffe... I completely agree (and I use that phrase a lot too!).

He's a procrastinator of the highest order. Everything is 'in a minute', tomorrow etc. Not obviously the only teen with that attitude but still .
I truly believe he thinks "I'll start putting the effort in at X point", whenever that may be.

His birthday is 30th August.. he's actually the youngest person in his whole school year - not an excuse I know, but he just seems a lot less mature than most of his friends and really doesn't have an expectation of reality.

We've told him that once he leaves education he'll have to start 'paying rent' here - he geniunely thought that was laughable and that no-one does that.

He is properly in cloud cuckoo land.

OP posts: