Child who doesn't excel at anything with low self confidence

Oh, and maybe try and make a mental shift towards thinking of her as a terrific all rounder, or having great empathy, or brilliant organisational skills. If you hold her in mind with these superlatives and shift to looking at her this way it will rub off. It is so easy to look with a critical eye, especially if it brings back all your memories of being a child low in confidence. She is who she is and she is of course amazing.

Have a word with school, tell them she is a young carer (wrt her brother) and needs a confidence boost, and that chorus roles should be open to all. Ask them to help her find a niche or a role in a school activity and that doing do will be important for her wellbeing. Express your disappointment that the school has started off in this way. Make a note to contact them again in a month to review.

If I could turn back the clock storm it would be to follow my gut when I know a child is unhappy or a square peg. It's easy to think things will improve for all the best reasons but sometimes you just know and ultimately a happy child is the most important thing in the world. Also follow your dd and listen to what she thinks. Finally at this stage friendships are very fluid so don't worry about that.

Can you look at a weekend drama school? Generally these accept everyone and everybody takes part in the performances.

I was exactly the same - very average at most things and truly awful at art.
Then I discovered that I was good with people, I am a very good nurse (sorry to boast but it's true). I found my talents after leaving school but it really sucked being average in a sea of excellence

Maybe she is really good at being kind to others?
Is she a good listener? Is she perceptive? Can she empathise with others?
These skills are massively more useful in life than being good at sport or playing a musical instrument.
Scouts/Guides are good at encouraging children to value themselves as individuals in a non competitive environment.

By definition the majority of people won't excel at anything (if excelling is considered to be the best of the best).

I think it's pretty poor that there are no clubs available to your DD. At DC's school there are trials for the school sports team and auditions for the school play, but if you don't get into the school team you can still attend the sports club, and if you don't get a main part (which would be unlikely in Year 7 anyway) they will find you something - whether chorus or behind the scenes. And there are plenty of clubs that don't require any sort of skill - book club and science club spring to mind.

It's an odd school that says you can only do a fun activity if you are already good at it. How do you get better at things? By doing them! We all have to start somewhere.

I think you do have to be careful about this idea 'I'm crap at everything' as what you don't want to happen is for that belief to limit you. If you try something and fail, it would be easy to go 'oh right, another thing I'm crap at' and give up, whereas what you should do is think 'first effort distinctly ropey, how can I improve?', especially if you enjoyed it.

Try outside groups - guides has helped my DD1 and she is at a very supportive school.

I has a secondary like this - put me off music, drama and art and sport - as an adult I've come to realise I do actually have some talent for - indeed at time there were indications I was talent in few of those areas.

I did well academically there - very good GCSE and okay A-levels - but my face never fitted and my achievement were never celebrated. I couldn't do outside groups - bloody rural location - but I think it would have given me a different view about myself.

My dd was like this too and I took her horse riding. She forgot herself round animals and became very confident when she was with them. Riding was expensive though, so she started helping out at the stables to get money off her lessons and ended up getting a paid Saturday job there. It was the making of her and she's now at college on an animal care course.

year 7 is so young! Don't give up on her! the bright stars at primary will fade. It's a shame she got so hung up on winning a particular award or getting into a particular club. Let her do art club or cookery. She may not be the best in the group (because whether you mean it or not that's what you are saying by not 'excelling') but she needs to learn its important to enjoy things, you don't have to be the best.

I never understand why parents say their children are 'like them' or 'not like them'. It is totally irrelevant what you were good or bad at. She is her own person and deserves to be treated as such.

OhTheRoses

At DD's school they reward effort over achievement.

DD was decidedly average in year 7 but began to excel as she got older. She became really good at art, and did very well in her GCSEs.

It took time and maturity - and effort.

It is terrible and dd was like this. Didn't get into school choir so became a Chorister at church. Only just. Hopeless at PE, her instrument, art, very shy.

She kept up her drama. She took up flute again in yr 8 and her voice was developing so she started voice too.

At primary she just scraped onto top table or was on 2nd table. At secondary she was bright but never top her head teacher actually told me she was a pleasant but unremarkable child.

She came into her own in 6th form. Grade 8 distinction for voice and 3 A*s at A'Level.

That unremarkable child was supported at home and never ever told she was hopeless although she thought it. She went to a fantastic 6th form that worked with her not against her.

Another one for let her join a marshal art club, or gymnastics or scouts etc out of school.

In year 8 she can join Air cadets maybe look into that or the local scouts.

Don't let her know that you think you were rubbish at everything. Try different things out of school until you find something else she likes.

My DS's previous school was like this - no sports activities available unless you were 'in the team'. It's rubbish.

That's terrible - both schools ds has gone too allow anyone who auditions to be in the school show however there is a current thread on a drama teacher forum about what to do about 180 kids auditioning (for h & s reasons only 80 can fit on stage)

I would be concerned about the ethos if the school. Can you find her a drama group out of school ?

I think the level of inclusivity does vary from school to school - in some cases it does turn out that the clubs/groups aren't actually available to everyone once you get there... other schools are more musically inclusive, and have a 'top level' choir and orchestra, and then a much more open one for others.

Like other pp I'd also encourage out of school activities (as well as school art and cookery) - scouts/guides is one possibility, and totally agree with the pp who said martial arts. It really does boost self confidence. But as your dd is into drama etc, could you look into an out of school drama group?

I've just starting taking me son to sea cadets for the same reason.i have found that most of the children who have joined are v similarandnlooking for something to get their teeth in. It half boys and half girls.i would really recommend it

You chose a school that supports high achievement so you'll have to expect competition and a focus on the best excelling.
In school let her do cookery. Don't tell her she's no good at anything teach her to be the very best she can be at one or two things.
If she can sing get her private singing lessons and have her re audition- don't give up on her for one setback. Find a sport she is good at and give her the opportunity to excel rather than expecting her not to. Lots of sports are new at secondary level so she'd be startat same level as anyone else. Try less mainstream sports - fencing, shooting, trampolining, badminton.
Let her start an instrument- choose an easier one not violin or piano and if you go for a shortage instrument the orchestra will be begging her to join soon enough. Try bassoon, cor anglais, oboe, saxophone.
Get her to Stagecoach or local youth theatre.

I hope my mum didn't think the same about me when I was so young.

Cooking was easy to take as my thing, tv, Internet and supermarkets full of free recipes teamed with supportive parents. And now it's even easier to get a cake decorating class or sushi making for kids get really excited about it with her if that's her new class.

Brownies is a great idea too there's a whole bunch of kids going to that.

wow what a way to talk about your child, and yourself. I expect she's internalised your attitude towards you both. for example, there is no such thing as "can't" when it comes to art. it's a mindset and practice.

i'd encourage dd to join art or cookery clubs (or both!) anyway - they could be fun, and she may meet some nice new friends that way. Will carry on in next post.....

Tbf my dd wasnt great at sport at primary. She took up a sporty hobby at 11. Went to secondary and now excels at sport.