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Original poster

Why do this group of kids dislike my DD?

33 replies

Titsywoo · 07/09/2017 12:56

DD just started year 8. She struggled a bit in year 7 as she didn't get on with anyone in her form bar one girl as they are mainly very loud and she is more quiet and a bit socially awkward. She made friends with a couple of small groups of girls then got dropped very quickly. Eventually she got involved with a club that meant she didn't have to go to form room in the mornings and she made friends with girls in other forms so was pretty happy.

The 'popular' group in her class however seems to have taken against her for some reason. They call her weird and either ignore her (which she is fine with!) or do things like tell her a certain boy fancies her and push him towards her. He gets cross and says he hates her because of this. The other boys in the group moan and groan if they have to sit next to her. The girls take the mickey out of her. She just ignores it all but it can't be nice for her.

The thing is she is the sweetest kid I know. Always so kind and looking out for others. She is a wonderful friend (as her current friends tell her all the time). I suppose being a bit socially awkward (due to a lack of confidence) might make her seem a bit standoffish and she won't let people copy her schoolwork which pissed a couple of people off (not this group though).

So neither of us understands it. A few of the teachers are aware of the issues and keep an eye on these kids but she often gets groups with them anyway (luckily for the subjects where they are set she isn't with them as she is in the top and they are mainly in the bottom).

Any ideas? I feel bad for her when she says "I din't understand why they hate me Mum - I haven't done anything!) Sad

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underneaththeash · 10/09/2017 22:01

Can she not just move to another class?

I had a similar problem at the start of secondary school and I moved in the middle of year 8.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 10/09/2017 18:32

Thanks colonel. DD had a sleepover here last night for her 13th birthday. There were 2 of her new friends from school here, 1 friend from primary and 1 friend who she has known all her life. The 2 new school friends are nice girls but they have quite different interests from her which can be frustrating as they have a mutual interest and like to talk about it/watch youtube videos on it and she gets a bit left out then. She seems pretty happy in general just gets a bit annoyed when this stuff happens (it even happened last night when they put on a film about it which I thought was cheeky but DD never says anything to be fair).

I wish she could meet friends at school like the other 2 that were here. It doesn't quite feel like she has found her tribe yet.

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TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 10/09/2017 06:25

You are right they are nasty and i agree with what pp said re. "It does tick me off with posts that looks for the 'reason' a child is picked on as though it's some fault in the child who is suffering. That really sucks since often it's down to pack mentality and a drive to conform by the perpetrators."

Original poster
Titsywoo · 10/09/2017 00:52

No catrina my dd is definitely not on the autistic spectrum. I know it very well including in girls and she shows no signs whatsoever. I'm not sure I appreciate the victim blaming tone of your post to be honest. These kids are clearly nasty (for whatever reason that may be) and have been horrible to other people. My dd may be a bit awkward due to a bit of immaturity and shyness but not everyone who is awkward is autistic!

Thanks all I think I will look again at having her moved classes and have a chat with her about it.

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Firefries · 09/09/2017 01:49

Not every kid is a bully. Your kid is targeted because she's kind and doesn't fit in. That actually happens especially with teens. Try and get her class changed so she has hope of being with some kids who are more like her, even her friend. Otherwise it's tough for kids like yours. I'd defintely get her moved classes.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 09/09/2017 01:42

I'm really sorry that you and your Dd are having to go through this. Don't beat yourself up for not contacting the school - it may well help Dd's confidence/resilience in that she felt able to speak to a teacher herself and activate support. From this point you can continue to monitor and keep up the dialogue. Your Dc obviously feels comfortable confiding in you and this is a testament to your good relationship. If this continues try again to persuade your daughter to discuss the possibility of changing forms. The fact that head of year is aware should help expedite this. Often teens worry that 'change' (as in a form change) might equate with a worse situation so it would be worth gently explaining that this is unlikely to be the case. But you are right to respect Dd's wishes in this - in situations like this they can feel powerless and it's the support from home which helps self esteem. My Dd has also been in this situation (quite a lot improved now mainly with support of excellent form tutor and good communication and support from the school). As such, It does tick me off with posts that looks for the 'reason' a child is picked on as though it's some fault in the child who is suffering. That really sucks since often it's down to pack mentality and a drive to conform by the perpetrators. Please keep reassuring your Dd that being herself is a very fine thing to be - she sounds lovely and I hope that things get resolved for her very soon.

Catrina1234 · 09/09/2017 00:53

I've just read a post of yours OP where you say your DD's younger brother has Aspergers. Have you not thought that this could be your DD's problem too.

Catrina1234 · 09/09/2017 00:46

Do you think your DD has AS or some other kind of disability. There was a girl like this in DD'ss class and I agree it's bullying - emotional bullying. My DD made friends with this girl up to a point, but the girl clung to her like glue which is not surprising. It's an all girl's school and there is a Miss popular and her entourage who say mean things to this girl or ignore her and my DD stands up for her and then some of the other girls do the same but no one is really friendly with her. She told my DD she has AS although DD had already worked it out.

I'm sorry if I'm on the wrong track but there is always a reason why kids are bullied, horrible as this is. Would you be willing to look into this aspect of your DD's emotional character. It is said that AS is more difficult to diagnose in girls as they can cover it up, not as a conscious thought of course.. Incidentally my DD and the AS are in the 6th form and are still friends and about 12 girls turned up to her party. The all say Happy Birthday on FB and DD was the only one who did this.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 09/09/2017 00:28

by not storming into the school

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Original poster
Titsywoo · 09/09/2017 00:27

Thanks all. Sorry your dd is going through similar whacky. It's very upsetting for them and for us to watch.

Dd told me she was called out of a class today to see her head of house. She had mentioned problems with these kids to her geography teacher at the end of last term and it seems she has passed the info on. They asked for info on incidents and how she is feeling. Sounds like they gave the measure of these kids already and they have been in trouble several times. So hopefully something will happen. I feel a bit like I've let her down by now storming into the school and in the end dd has sort of dealt with it herself :( I guess I made the wrong decision not pushing her to have that meeting with her form tutor last term.

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SomeOtherFuckers · 08/09/2017 19:54

Because kids are mean and when someone doesn't carbon copy into their group they bond through hating an 'other' figure - sadly in this case your DD.
It's the whole 'of someone's on the outside then I'm on the inside' mentality and it's awful

Whacky4444 · 08/09/2017 17:26

Hi OP. Just to sympathise massively as we are dealing with similar issues. My DD started y7 well and made 2 really close friends and a wider group they hung out with on and off.
But things got harder during the year and those 2 have moved away from her and she has started yr 8 feeling quite alone and not at all sure what changed so suddenly. She is a nice quiet kid and it feels like those attributes don't really fit at secondary school and don't make you
Someone others want to hang out with. I'm trying to do as you are to support and listen and suggest how she can handle things but oh my goodness it's not easy and I do totally understand!

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 07/09/2017 21:10

The teachers will know what the other classes are like and might know which will be a better fit for her. It's possible your dd is slightly quirky. My dd can be mildly eccentric and isn't cool, which may be partly why she was easy prey for the nasties at her primary. It's no excuse though. She didn't suddenly change between the end of year 6 and beginning of year 7, she just ended up with a more tolerant bunch and made a nice bunch of friends.
Yoda's advice is good. Make sure you enquire about all the settling in help available to your son when he starts.

NotAgainYoda · 07/09/2017 20:50

www.kidscape.org.uk/projects/zap-anti-bullying-and-assertiveness-workshops/

Zap anti-bullying and assertiveness workshops

Also, the book Bullies, Bigmouths and so-called Friends is quite good.

NotAgainYoda · 07/09/2017 20:46

She's being bullied

This is beyond 'keeping an eye out"

The school should be able to manage a way of dealing with this that your daughter can cope with. They can take her aside unobtrusively. They can tell the bullies that they have been overheard by a teacher.

I would really recommend a day course for her and you run by Kidscape, the anti-bullying charity. It's called ZAP

Therealslimshady1 · 07/09/2017 20:28

I would see if she can move forms

Original poster
Titsywoo · 07/09/2017 20:19

Yes agreed Colonel although I never wonder to her why they don't like her. I guess I'm wondering if she is doing something 'wrong' socially. I've never noticed anything when she is with friends here at home but since I can't see her at school it's hard to say. Her younger brother has Aspergers and struggles a lot socially so I tend to worry anyway (really not looking forward to him starting secondary next year!).

She definitely doesn't want to move schools. Even though her new friends aren't quite the right fit IMO she really likes them and doesn't want to leave them. Also if she has struggled at primary and secondary chances are she will anywhere. Moving forms is a possibility but she's nervous about moving and having problems with other kids - I think she did get a bad class tbh but have no idea what the others are like.

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TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 07/09/2017 17:58

I wouldn't approach it from a "Why don't they like her?" perspective. They don't sound like nice kids and you know yoir dd is nice. Approach it more from a "how can i move my dd away from the horrible kids towards some nicer ones."

farangatang · 07/09/2017 16:41

I cannot understand why the horrid children are the ones seen as 'cool' at school and those who are genuine, mature and decent people, so often outcast. Perhaps it is to do partly with a lack of assertiveness, but more likely to be just 'because' they happened to choose her. Y8 is a particularly bad time for this with girls, too.

My heart goes out to her and I hope she is reassured by knowing that the 'real world' doesn't usually work this way - she will develop resilience and compassion that others who haven't been through this nasty experience cannot and be a more valued and valuable friend and human being in the long run.

Big generalisation from some research I once read, but it gives me some satisfaction to know that the 'popular' children in school are often less successful in life once school concludes - they are in for a shock when everyone has grown up and they are still operating at a juvenile level.

If your daughter is happy to stick it out at the school once a strategy to manage it has been developed, then good on her. If not, have you considered moving her? From my DD's experience, a move was the best thing we ever did for her!

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 07/09/2017 16:21

Could you speak to the school or email and explain that dd was distressed last time about you meeting them so can they just approach it as if they are having a catch up about how she's getting on? I don't think they'd be able to help otherwise

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 07/09/2017 16:16

My dd (who is good natured) had a similar problem at primary school. She wasn't liked by the cool (horrible) kids and their hangers on. There were nice kids in her class too, but the cool ones made her feel unpopular. She's been lucky at high school as she's in quite a good natured class. There are two tough girls, but they don't seem interested in being horrible to dd luckily.
I honestly think some classes are just nicer than others and it's just luck. I'd advise you to raise it with the school and ask for her to move to a form where she has friends. A girl was moved into dd's form at the end of year 7 from another class. (I don't know why) and she has settled in well.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 07/09/2017 16:13

Oh and she does have a couple of friends outside of school and sees them a bit. She also sees some of these school friends but they all knew each other from primary school so it's been hard to break in and often at birthday parties they get involved in a hobby they all do and ignore DD. This happened at a sleepover last weekend.

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Original poster
Titsywoo · 07/09/2017 16:10

I was all set to talk to the school last year about these kids and even made an appt with her form tutor and head of year but she became so distressed and said she really didn't want me to meet with them and it would make things worse. I battled in my own head about whether to go ahead or not but in the end decided that I would cancel for now. Partly because she was so upset and partly because I didn't want her to stop confiding in me.

She told a couple of teachers herself that these kids were causing her issues in class which is when they said they would keep an eye out.

Today she has come home upset as her actual friends were involved in conversations and dramas at lunch and noone spoke to her even when she said hi.

I guess she just feels a bit invisible. She has always struggled with standing up for herself and people walking all over her since primary school. DH and I are pretty confident people and we have tried to help her grow in confidence but it's hard when it's not in her nature. She goes to Guides outside of school which is good for her and we do some running together plus she loves art and does lots of that.

It's hard to know what to do. I give her lots of advice on what she could try in certain situations and she takes it on board but I doubt she has the nerve to speak up.

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Summergarden · 07/09/2017 14:40

Poor girl. Help her to change form if there are friends of hers in different forms?

MidLifeCrisis007 · 07/09/2017 14:12

OP - have you ever read that great letter that Caitlin Moran published in the The Times containing advice to her daughter should she die etc...

This quote is all your DD needs to know.

“The main thing is just to try to be nice. You already are – so lovely I burst, darling – and so I want you to hang on to that and never let it go. Keep slowly turning it up, like a dimmer switch, whenever you can. Just resolve to shine, constantly and steadily, like a warm lamp in the corner, and people will want to move towards you in order to feel happy, and to read things more clearly. You will be bright and constant in a world of dark and flux, and this will save you the anxiety of other, ultimately less satisfying things like ‘being cool’, ‘being more successful than everyone else’ and ‘being very thin’."

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