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Original poster

DD13 and social media. What can I do? I now have parents at my door.

62 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 24/05/2017 22:07

DD13 has issues which involve risk taking, immaturity and lack of gadging situations.

She loves her phone and enjoys snapchat and Instagram although we rarely get to see any of it because she is very guarded over her phone.

I know how bad that sounds and I deserve to be told to parent her and I do try but she has ODD amongst other things and it's a real pick your battles mind field, very draining and I feel bad enough about it all without being called out on here as well. I'm asking for help and advice.

It's come to light that DD is in with a few girls online that she allows herself to get pulled in with and long short of it is coming across as a bully. This is horrible and I hate it. Ive previously had parents at my door (understandable) and I've removed her phone for periods of time as punishment. This results in constant wars with her stealing other family gadgets (she has two other sisters) and wil go "missing" after school because "she doesn't have a phone"

A couple of nights ago she joined a live feed (I've no idea really what that is) and a parent told her to fuck off, she would drag her to the curb and called her a cunt. This is a parent that DD has been vile to, I punished her for it and things looked like they had sorted themselfpves out and I've not had any issues for ages since.

DD told me straight away, I think she wanted me to jump to her defence but I've explained that the parent, although very wrong is mad on behalf of her daughter because of how DD made her feel.

I want to take her internet access away. She is clearly not mature enough to be on it but her dad doesn't agree and it's his account that pays for the phone and all the internet etc. He thinks she needs one more chance but that's one more chance to bully someone else isn't it?

OP posts:
whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou · 24/05/2017 23:15

Agreed. Photoshopping porn pictures isn't "immature" it's plain nasty.

jannier · 24/05/2017 23:11

Posting a photo shopped porn picture with another child's head on Seriously I'm amazed the police have not been knocking on your door. The poor child that this has happened to may well be emotionally scared for life. I cant believe the punishment was 2 weeks without a phone no wonder she's running rings around you. She has put another child through hell and gets a 2 week wrap on the knuckles I cant believe your are serious.

whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou · 24/05/2017 23:10

Her ODD clearly needs treatment.

Being vindictive towards other children is an indicator that she might progress to conduct disorder, the precursor to ASPD or other personality disorders.

I don't think it's as simple as her simply falling in with a bad group, this behaviour is in line with her diagnosis.

I would be paying for private treatment at this point. She is at risk of injury from those angry parents and she is seriously damaging other children.

Wolfiefan · 24/05/2017 23:09

Why is her phone in her room at night?

Crumbs1 · 24/05/2017 23:08

I agree remove her phone. I wouldn't wait until 5am and be tiptoeing around her. I'd take it now and if she explodes, so be it. She can strop all she likes but just stay firm. Pop it in a bath of water, if necessary. Absolutely no social media unsupervised. Make sure you have passwords for all accounts.
If you're worried about her not being able to contact you, give her a 'brick' that has pay as you go calls and texts and nothing else.
If she goes missing she needs grounding until she can tell the time and get back home within agreed curfew. If she's in a horrible gang, I'd be stopping her hanging around with them outside school.
Then I'd be contacting the abusive parent and asking what had precipitated her outburst towards a child. The answer would steer my next action.
If the gang are all bullying online, I would contact the other children's parents to agree an action plan. I'd also be speaking to the year head.

msgrinch · 24/05/2017 23:08

Oh trust me I have.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 24/05/2017 23:01

msgrinch report my thread or come and walk a week in my shoes p,ease, I could do with the break.

qwerty never felt as low as I do now so not needed to post about DD before.

endof the community and local police have played a part in dealing with DD before. Part of her ODD is not taking instruction from authority figures - especially has a problem with adult men and me I do have her on a list for 1:1 with a charity that may be able to help - I'll let them know, thank you.

OP posts:
Bobbins43 · 24/05/2017 22:57

Snapchat disappears but Instagram stays. But you can still take a screenshot with Snapchat. Get her accounts deleted too. Just remove access. And you need to tell her it's her behaviour too, not just the other parents response.

You should monitor her internet usage if she needs it for homework and it might be worth getting clued up on the different platforms and how they work

endofthelinefinally · 24/05/2017 22:56

Online bullying is a crime.
You need to ask your local community police officer to come and speak to your dh and your dd.
My ds and his friends indulged in a bit of silly behaviour at a similar age. Not anywhere near as serious as your situation. The local police officer came round and explained the implications of a criminal record.
It worked very well.

Bobbins43 · 24/05/2017 22:55

Take her phone from her now. Get the passwords/PINs changed or added onto all the other devices in the household so she can't use them. Better still, switch the router off at a certain time in the evening.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 24/05/2017 22:54

Nothing is easy with Instagram and snapchat is it? As little as I know it's seen and then gone with nothing for me to look at after the event?

If I could view DDs and others posts I could be confident in dealing with it all better.

I am going to take her phone this evening (she is now asleep but I'll set an alarm for 5am to avoid a midnight eruption from her) I'm then going to explain that I've taking it because of the adult parents behaviour as in I'm protecting her, she will probably refuse to go to school...

Thank you for letting me talk about it, I can't talk to anyone else.

OP posts:
BorisTrumpsHair · 24/05/2017 22:51

Do your DD a massive favour and take her offline immediately. I'd be keeping her off it fir quite some time for her own good.

Chickoletta · 24/05/2017 22:48

However hard it might be, you need to take responsibility here.

qwertyuiopasdfghjkl · 24/05/2017 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chaotica · 24/05/2017 22:47

It sounds like she needs to know that what she's doing is illegal, not just bullying. Who created the posts is irrelevant, your DD shouldn't be sharing them. I'd take her off-line. (I know that is going to be hard for you.)

msgrinch · 24/05/2017 22:46

This has to be a wind up.

Clonakilty · 24/05/2017 22:45

OP - you can't be soft on this one. Do the right thing before it gets worse and there is physical violence. I can see this going to the police as cyber-bullying very soon and your DD won't come out of it smelling of roses. She could be cautioned or worse. Do something now!!

Floggingmolly · 24/05/2017 22:43

So if you've removed her phone once before for similar behaviour; why is her Dad campaigning for "one last chance"? She's had that, hasn't she? Confused
He sulked throughout her last punishment, and is refusing to agree to remove it again...
I'd question his intelligence motives, personally.

JoyceDivision · 24/05/2017 22:39

Okay, so your DD is part of a group doing this... have the parents approached the other families of the other pupils involved in it?

Re the examples you'ce given, is it easy to see who created the pictures / posts, and have they been approached?

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 24/05/2017 22:39

And the last time it happened I did take her phone and didn't give it back for 2 weeks, 2 weeks of hell with DD and silence from her dad who didn't agree. I told her to earn it back but here we are again.

It's very draining and such a horrible situation because I hate bullying and feel I may be showing hatred towards DD because there is nothing left to like right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 24/05/2017 22:36

joyce DDs online behaviour hasn't been anything that I could be proud of - liking nasty posts which then alert that person that the post is there and about them.

Last big one was boys calling a girl fat and DD re posted it in a "x needs to know what y is saying about her"

Commenting on pictures that are photoshopped using "fat girl" porn with the child's face pasted on.

I feel ashamed just remembering it all and in no way to defend DD, she didn't create any of these posts just felt the need to get involved and become part of the gang which is just as bad in my book.

joyce I don't judge but I'm worried that she is bringing parents to my door that act on their feelings and end up being bullies, as adults themselves.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 24/05/2017 22:35

But you still haven't removed her access. She's actually being threatened on social media due to her vile behaviour and she's still free to continue. That is gobsmacking, frankly.
And your DH's attitude is beyond my understanding completely. Something tells me her upbringing may have played a huge part in her behaviour. Is he this lax in all areas of parenting? Hmm
Does he always have the final say, even though he's got it so badly, badly wrong?

RJnomore1 · 24/05/2017 22:33

Well without condoning my child's behaviour I would be raising an issue with an adult who threatened them with violence.

And I'd be removing internet privileges FOR HER SAKE and that's what you need to stress to your dh. I can't believe he isn't on this!

Bobbins43 · 24/05/2017 22:30

Take away her phone and her internet access. I think you know that this is the right thing to do as she obviously can't handle it and she's putting herself and other people through the mill because of it. It's not worth it. And must be bloody horrible for you too

JoyceDivision · 24/05/2017 22:29

Calling a 13 year old a cunt is bad, but do you have evidence of what your DD has been doing to their dc to get to this point?What is the content of the bullying? Is this reaction the culmination of weeks or months of online bullying against their dc? How is their dc coping with the bullying?

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