DD struggling in y7

Sounds as though the thing you need to do urgently is look at the alternatives. Once you have a good option, though: maybe it's worth thinking about whether it's better to accept the loss of a term's fees, in order to move her immediately. I recognise that it might simply be impossible, but e.g. I think getting a child out of an environment that is damaging her mental health several months earlier than otherwise is worth borrowing for, if that's possible. Or might you be in a position to home educate for a few months? If so that might prove to be a good buffer between one school and the next.

If the school's pastoral care is good, what are they saying - and more importantly doing - about how your DD feels? Do they have counsellors or pastoral staff in the school who your DD can talk to?

You do probably need to move her, but I do agree with Stinky that it's better to hit that moment when you become average earlier rather than later - it didn't happen to me until uni and I didn't deal with it that well as a result (and I've seen other people cope much worse at that stage).

This must be very stressful for you WhatsitallaboutAlfie. To help yourself feel calmer you need to feel more in control. Sit your DD down and ask her if she would like to visit some other schools, state and indie. Pick a couple and call for a visit. All indies will let you look round anytime. States will be open until later in July and under less pressure after exams. Take a "sicky" from your DD's sch for the visits so they are not aware. Then get your DD on a couple of waiting lists if there are no spaces. If you know any parents at these schs then ask them their true opinion. This will make you feel that you have other options and there is no need to take an offered place if you decide to stay put. Schools are used to this. My DD finds her co-ed private secondary a much better mix than her previous state super selective all girls where there were many cliques and discipline issues. There may well be a good co-ed indie near you.

I agree with QGmum. I would sit down and talk to your dd and reassure her that she doesn't have to stay there if she is unhappy. Togther talk about pros and cons of moving and explore options. YOu may find that in the process of doing this she starts to settle but if not she is reassured that you will not leave her somewhere that she is unhappy. Sometimes schools are just not a 'fit' for you and unfortunately, that's not something we can predict when we choose a school.

I have always been of the idea that you should go to a School where you and your child fit in; where you have more chances to make friends similar to you in all aspects and you share more things in common. Off course you need to learn to get along with people from
Different backgrounds but that doesn't mean you have to be close friends with them as you always end up with friends you share things in common. I have discarded high selective school for DD full of wealthy kids as I don't want her to spend her more important years in that environment.

I will start looking at suitable schools; she still has 6 years of secondary education and that is a lot to be unhappy. It can affect her confidence in her adult life.

Good luck.

If she's that unhappy, genuinely depressed, I'd start exploring alternative schools with her. Make a list together of possibilities you are both ok with and phone them to see if they have places for Year 8. Then arrange visits for after half term.

She needs to know that you recognise she is genuinely unhappy and are going to do something about it. Also reinforce that this is not any failure on her part. Her current school just isn't right for her.

Hope you get this sorted somehow.

I really feel for you Whatsitallabout.

I can't really comment on the private/state thing as my dd goes to a state comp but I wanted to hold your hand about the whole Y7/miserable 12 year old thing. I have another thread in Secondary Ed called "Y7 woes"

My dd came to secondary without knowing hardly anyone. She was a high flyer in Primary. That's not too much of an issue for us. There are plenty of kids here just as clever as her and few waaaay more clever (also plenty not so much) so she feels quite confident with her school work and is still given lots of accolades (although she's annoyed she's always just outside their top students achievements it spurs her on!).

My dd's issue is that she says she doesn't 'fit' too well with a lot of the groups of girls she's made friends with so far. They seem a bit emotionally younger than her, also physically as she towers above them at 5 ft 5 and E-cup boobs! My dd is quite quirky and has quite grown-up tastes. She was joining new clubs at school in order to expand her friendship group but was finding her older friends following her to them. I think she was finding things a bit suffocating.
She had a bit of a meltdown last week but has gone in this week and been much better. She has made sure that she spends her day with a large variety of people and has this week been a bit more gregarious. She seems happier.

Like a PP mentioned Y7 is hard anyway so it's hard for you to decipher. I think Y7 is really hard for lots of people and nobody talks about it. It has been a shock to me.
However In Y7 there is an awful lot of moving about. Sometimes you make the best choices at the times and for various reasons things just don't work out.

Without getting into a state v private debate, can I ask why you chose the school? What is the state school like where her friends go? Do you think she'd feel happier there as she may be near the 'top' end of the academic achievements? There may also be a more relaxed atmosphere? Are you still friends with any of the parents whose dd's go there?

Keep the faith. It will be ok one way or another.

I would research alternative options where you might have a reasonable chance of getting a place and see whether you could look round with her. This might help both of you decide and provide her with some perspective.

I have always felt that for some children, it is better to be at the top in a less selective school than in the middle of a super selective school.

Does she have friends outside school - for example from her primary school or other activities? Maybe it would be worth looking at where they go?

As someone from a working class background, I do remember feeling completely out of place when I went to an all-girls grammar school. I really found it hard to settle in Y7, but got used to the academic demands after that. The feeling of being 'different' from the other girls never left me whilst I was there.

OP- can I be nosey and ask if you are in London. Thinking about schools at the moment for y5 DC and these issues are all the things I'm going round in circles about!

Adding my 2pence, DS (y9) is in a selective London independent boys school and found it really difficult to become "average", after having been top of his class in primary, that is pushing him up though and this is why we chose that school for him, but some days I am really wondering what good selective schools do. He has found some nice friends which help. DD (Y7) moved from independent all through girls school to state (faith) co-ed and is so much happier, even in primary (year 5-6) there was some nasty bitchiness going on, including self harming, and she was so stressed about everything, now she is enjoying being in top sets, is relaxed, has made friends, and it was a really good decision. Her younger sister is at the same private girls school now but has a different experience, she says everybody is lovely, I wonder if this is going to change as she progresses up the years? I'll keep an eye on this. I am in favor of changing schools if this is as bad as you say.

Also, I work with kids and a lot of them struggle in the first year of high school, so it might be helpful to try and unpick how much of this is about feeling 'lesser' in that particular school, and how much is about moving up from primary more generally. If you're really struggling, maybe ask for an assessment from your local counselling service or CAMHS for a fresh pair of eyes on this? (Note: it is very unlikely that CAMHS would see your daughter as needing actual intervention from them, but they might see her for an assessment and give you some ideas about how to proceed)

and maybe there is a better independent option than the one she is currently at? Smaller, less academically full-on?

Hi OP,
I went to a private school from state in year 7 too, and I remember feeling all the things you've described. I went from being the most clever/wealthy/whatever pupil to being middling at best, and it was a big shock.
HOWEVER. Looking back I'm still glad I made the move. Yes it was difficult, but I think we all hit a point in life when we realise we're not the best at everything, and in some ways the earlier this happens the easier it is to deal with it. Sounds harsh, I know, but I had a boyfriend who didn't experience this until university, and he really struggled with it.
My point being, yes it was difficult, yes I had a bit of a wobble but I got through it and ultimately had a brilliant experience with secondary school, and I think I'm more resilient as a result. Keep talking to your daughter, and (this is crucial) try and give her a strong sense of identity in terms of belonging to your family, and she'll be just fine :)

Re the "high flyer" coment, it is very usual for the top performing kids at primary to get a shock when they realise they're not the top at secondary. The few who do manage to stay there get the same experience at university. Learning there are people out there who can outperform you -even when you work hard - is part of life. The trick is to keep working regardless.

Am I being naive - is that true of most girls' schools?

I have a DD in an all-girls comprehensive. I asked her if girls talked about it a lot. She said "No, not unless they've been talking about it in PSHE or something". She seemed genuinely rather surprised by the idea.

Would it be possible for your DD to visit other local schools? Her reaction to the idea might give you a good clue as to how she's feeling.

I actually went to a private school where I was much poorer than the other girls. You do learn to cope but I don't think that, on the whole, the experience did me much good. It wasn't the other girls being nasty about it but it was the constant realisation that life was more of a struggle for me than it seemed to be for them. Of course, some of them had more problems than I did with parental illness etc, but as a young teenager you don't really have the maturity to see that.It may be too do with personality though - another girl in the same situation might well have thrived.

Rudi44 - I am in the same boat - dd is starting year 7 at a girls independent in September and I am a bit nervous about her fitting in. We are in London so our house is really modest, and dd does not have the confidence and "polish" many of these girls have...

Oh gosh this will be us in Sept. We got none of our allocated schools and instead were allocated a pretty awful option so looked to independents, and DD was awarded a part scholarship. I do worry but DD is pretty resilient and also very sporty which I think will help. The school we have chosen is small with excellent pastoral care so I remain hopeful we can survive this. It helps that DD knows someone going there too. I do worry about it as there are a lot of very well off families there and we are just a normal family with a crappy car but the alternative is she goes to a school we really aren't happy with.

It might be helpful to think back to why you thought the school would be a good fit for her in the first place.