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Original poster

Y7 DD isolating herself from her form - should I do something?

38 replies

Titsywoo · 27/04/2017 22:48

When DD started in Sept she was the only one from her class at primary in her new form as most went to another school (we'd moved a bit further out when she was in year 3). So I was a bit concerned that she might struggle as she has always been up and down socially. She's a lovely girl but not massively confident so found people walked all over her and in year 5/6 her best friends started drifting away as they seemed to be maturing emotionally faster than she was.

On the induction day the new classes were all lined up and I noticed there were a lot of children from the feeder primary next door who all seemed to know each other and were all very loud and confident. Even the few people from other schools were in little groups and were chatting. DD was on her own and looking very apprehensive. However she came out at the end of the day and said she'd got chatting to some girls so we were feeling fairly positive.

DD suffers from anxiety in stressful situations and the lead up to starting secondary school (and the first couple of months after starting) were quite bad with her thinking the world was about to end and stuff (she was referred to CAMHS and got CBT).

Anyway when she started she found the girls from her induction day and all seemed ok for a week or so then they started drifting away (she said they looked at her like she was weird when she spoke to them). A week or so later she found another friend who seemed nice and all was ok. Then just after half term this friend went mad at her and screamed to leave her alone and that was the end of that friendship. It seems like a lot of the girls were making up rumours about others so it's likely DD got on the wrong side of this as her 'friend' was very popular and lots of people were jealous of DD hanging around with her. Anyway she was devastated because they were so alike and she thought she had found a really good friend. Luckily over a few weeks and some chats with me she realised this girl wasn't as nice as she seemed so DD just ignored her. I encouraged her to join some clubs and she met some girls who she is still friends with now. They don't have much in common (they like role-playing and anime and she prefers youtube and Little Mix!) but they are nice girls so she is ok in that respect although I have tried to encourage her to see them outside of school but she said they all roleplay at weekends and she doesn't like the sound of it. So it's not ideal but some friends are better than none!

My concern is that one of the clubs she joined is the drama tech club (lighting and sound etc) and one of the jobs is setting up the stage for assembly every morning. It's not something year 7's usually do but they accepted her as she has done lighting for school plays with her Dad in the past. Obviously doing this means she misses form room every day. In the last couple of weeks it has come to light that she likes to avoid form room anyway. After the Easter hols I said to her she should show her face to her form tutor. She said she got there and as the teacher wasn't there yet kids were standing on desks and throwing shoes at each other Confused. She also said 2 girls were fighting in another classroom as one called the other a n*gger Shock. She said they all act like wild animals and she hates them all. A few things have happened over the year - one boy calling her a cunt and a retard, another boy fancies her and strokes her hair, another girl steals her drinks sometimes and stuff from her pencil case, one girl yanked a clump of her hair out (she was from another form though). All this stuff has mainly stopped now. She says she isn't bullied just ignored. She doesn't really want to change forms as she said they are all as bad. She isn't unhappy just wants to avoid her form (which is hard when you have lots of lessons together!) but talks to them when she has to then finds her friends at lunch.

This is a very well thought of school that many people are desperate to get their kids into. It's not exactly the ghetto. DD is a very sensitive kid but I don't think she is lying or exaggerating. Reading it all back now it sounds awful that I haven't been to the school but she didn't seem upset by any of it just annoyed and she's not one to hide her feelings. Plus I didn't want to isolate her more by storming in and then these people getting in trouble and either way she didn't really want me to talk to her tutor. I did tell him early on that I was concerned she was struggling socially and he said he would buddy her up and keep an eye but that doesn't appear to have happened. I guess I was hoping that things would get better. And they have in many ways but I'm still concerned.

Any ideas?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/04/2017 14:50

Mine were all the only ones fron their primary school to go to their secondary. I think it does take a while to "find your people". On the plus side there is lots to be said for actively choosing your friends rather than just sticking with people because you have known them a long time. And mine have all been quite brave about joining activities and going to college and uni when they didn't know anyone. Many young people these days seem to only operate with their mates as back up.

Astro55 · 30/04/2017 14:38

Year 7 is always difficult and some grils try new friendship groups and drift in and out of different ones - sometimes returning to existing friends sometimes not.

Keep encouraging her to mix and be positive and not say mean things (gossip listen to rumours etc) and she things should clam down in year 8

There no harm in speaking to her tutor if you are worried about her progress or fitting in etc - they are thee to help!

readthethread · 30/04/2017 14:26

I think you should leave her be for now, i think she's handling the situation admirably.
Drama tech is a great safe haven
ditto the library etc
she has found a group of "alternative" girls into other (i think way more interesting) things than youtube/little mix. they have accepted her. you should encourage those friendships and encourage her to join in and give it a go.

StripeyZazie · 28/04/2017 14:06

*found not find, freshers not fishers

StripeyZazie · 28/04/2017 14:05

She's not isolating herself with drama tech, she's find a safer, creative, productive path. You should be proud of her. She has found suitable new friends after a few false starts- those friendships will just take time to deepen and develop. She's resisting peer pressure to develop at a pace she deems unsuitable for herself.

It was always going to be difficult to be the only child from her former school at the new school.

And basically, she has handled it as if she had just gone to University, not secondary school. (How often are fishers told that the people they make friends with during fresher's week won't be in their social circle by Xmas?). She sounds adept at finding ways to protect herself without drawing unwelcome attention to herself. You should be very proud.

bojorojo · 28/04/2017 13:52

Gosh! If my DDs had been spoken to like that in class I would be in there like a shot! That language is discraceful and is it not acceptable. Pulling out a clump of hair is assult. Why have you put up with this? No wonder she wants to do the lighting! Clearly this school is over-rated! Also, plenty of large schools do not have behaviour like from children. I know a school near me which has over 2000 pupils. No-one is "lost". It just has excellent staff, firm expectations of behaviour and children are encouraged to speak about any use of obscene language or poor behaviour to a member of staff and complaints are taken seriously.

As others have said, I would speak to her Head of Year. Isolation by her peers is not acceptable. However, it seems unlikely that every single pupil in Y7 is horrible. Would it be possible for a change of class for Y8? The Head of Year must know other pleasant kind children. Generally most children find their like minded buddies, but in the meantime, go into school. You have everything to gain.

ToffeeCaramel · 28/04/2017 12:50

I would ask for her to be moved into a class with the girls who are nice. There must be some variation in how well controlled the classes are by the form tutors. Your dd's class does sound poorly controlled. Perhaps you could say to the head of year or whatever they have that she hasn't integrated at all well with her class as she finds them a bit wild and would be happier in a calmer environment with nice girls. What is the role play the nice girls do? It sounds interesting. Some of the behaviour she's experienced in the past sounds horrible.

Etaina · 28/04/2017 08:50

I also think that you should arrange to speak to her form tutor or head of year. The school said that they would buddy her up and keep an eye on her but this clearly isn't happening. Perhaps they think everything is OK because neither you nor Dd have complained. I'm presuming that she is at a large state school. I think it so easy to get 'lost' in an environment like this and the teachers are dealing with such a large number of pupils that they can't possibly know what is going on all time. There certainly seems to be quite a few behaviour issues which must be difficult for your Dd to deal with as she isn't one to break the rules. Are the girls she is friends with all in different forms or is there one form with more of her friends than others. Being ignored is absolutely horrible and is a form of bullying.

troutsprout · 28/04/2017 07:39

The behaviour sounds pretty bad in form . I would also be concerned about what it is like in lessons.
I would arrange to speak to form tutor
I also think it's good that she's found a place in drama tech club. My Dd spends a lot of time in a subject area where she has found like- minded people

Booksandcrocheting · 28/04/2017 07:27

Drama tech sounds like a v constructive use of her time, I wouldn't discourage that. If she seems reasonably happy I would be.inclined to wait and monitor situation before contacting her form teacher.

EducationOpinionsRUs · 28/04/2017 07:18

I would add that I think it's very sensible for your DD to be removing herself from this situation and I wouldn't try to stop her lighting the assembly or finding other creative solutions like going to the library or whatever. It's not as though she's literally inaccessible then - if there are others in her form feeling the same as she does, they may find her rather than the other way round. Being happily self-sufficient is no bad thing. She has plenty of chances to practice her social skills and imho the social skill of getting on with hoards of unruly adolescents is overrated!

Decorhate · 28/04/2017 07:05

I work at a school and that sort of behaviour in form time would not be acceptable at all. And if this regular stuff (rather than the form tutor being delayed as a one-off) I'd be questioning how well they are supervised.

I would suggest you arrange a meeting with the form tutor to get their perspective on how your dd is getting on socially. If behaviour is generally poor in a form/year group I would expect it to be on their radar already and measures in place. Has your dd said if behaviour is ok during lessons?

Are there any safe havens in the school that quieter pupils can go to at lunchtime, e.g. the library?

It may be easier to make friends in future years if they put pupils in sets by ability & she gets to mix with a different group that way.

But I would definitely talk to the form tutor initially. The response you get will give you a feel for how the school deals with bad behaviour & pastoral issues.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 27/04/2017 22:53

Sorry that was long! But I also need to add some of the reason she dislikes them is because they break the rules - having chewing gum in school etc so normal stuff for their age and also all the dating stuff and the fake designer gear. She seems a bit contemptous of them in a way and she's never been like that before. I think the dating stuff freaks her out a bit (she's not keen on the whole growing up thing and seems to be fighting it not rushing ahead like the other girls are!).

OP posts: