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Original poster

Y7 DD isolating herself from her form - should I do something?

38 replies

Titsywoo · 27/04/2017 22:48

When DD started in Sept she was the only one from her class at primary in her new form as most went to another school (we'd moved a bit further out when she was in year 3). So I was a bit concerned that she might struggle as she has always been up and down socially. She's a lovely girl but not massively confident so found people walked all over her and in year 5/6 her best friends started drifting away as they seemed to be maturing emotionally faster than she was.

On the induction day the new classes were all lined up and I noticed there were a lot of children from the feeder primary next door who all seemed to know each other and were all very loud and confident. Even the few people from other schools were in little groups and were chatting. DD was on her own and looking very apprehensive. However she came out at the end of the day and said she'd got chatting to some girls so we were feeling fairly positive.

DD suffers from anxiety in stressful situations and the lead up to starting secondary school (and the first couple of months after starting) were quite bad with her thinking the world was about to end and stuff (she was referred to CAMHS and got CBT).

Anyway when she started she found the girls from her induction day and all seemed ok for a week or so then they started drifting away (she said they looked at her like she was weird when she spoke to them). A week or so later she found another friend who seemed nice and all was ok. Then just after half term this friend went mad at her and screamed to leave her alone and that was the end of that friendship. It seems like a lot of the girls were making up rumours about others so it's likely DD got on the wrong side of this as her 'friend' was very popular and lots of people were jealous of DD hanging around with her. Anyway she was devastated because they were so alike and she thought she had found a really good friend. Luckily over a few weeks and some chats with me she realised this girl wasn't as nice as she seemed so DD just ignored her. I encouraged her to join some clubs and she met some girls who she is still friends with now. They don't have much in common (they like role-playing and anime and she prefers youtube and Little Mix!) but they are nice girls so she is ok in that respect although I have tried to encourage her to see them outside of school but she said they all roleplay at weekends and she doesn't like the sound of it. So it's not ideal but some friends are better than none!

My concern is that one of the clubs she joined is the drama tech club (lighting and sound etc) and one of the jobs is setting up the stage for assembly every morning. It's not something year 7's usually do but they accepted her as she has done lighting for school plays with her Dad in the past. Obviously doing this means she misses form room every day. In the last couple of weeks it has come to light that she likes to avoid form room anyway. After the Easter hols I said to her she should show her face to her form tutor. She said she got there and as the teacher wasn't there yet kids were standing on desks and throwing shoes at each other Confused. She also said 2 girls were fighting in another classroom as one called the other a n*gger Shock. She said they all act like wild animals and she hates them all. A few things have happened over the year - one boy calling her a cunt and a retard, another boy fancies her and strokes her hair, another girl steals her drinks sometimes and stuff from her pencil case, one girl yanked a clump of her hair out (she was from another form though). All this stuff has mainly stopped now. She says she isn't bullied just ignored. She doesn't really want to change forms as she said they are all as bad. She isn't unhappy just wants to avoid her form (which is hard when you have lots of lessons together!) but talks to them when she has to then finds her friends at lunch.

This is a very well thought of school that many people are desperate to get their kids into. It's not exactly the ghetto. DD is a very sensitive kid but I don't think she is lying or exaggerating. Reading it all back now it sounds awful that I haven't been to the school but she didn't seem upset by any of it just annoyed and she's not one to hide her feelings. Plus I didn't want to isolate her more by storming in and then these people getting in trouble and either way she didn't really want me to talk to her tutor. I did tell him early on that I was concerned she was struggling socially and he said he would buddy her up and keep an eye but that doesn't appear to have happened. I guess I was hoping that things would get better. And they have in many ways but I'm still concerned.

Any ideas?

Thanks :)

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Original poster
Titsywoo · 09/05/2017 20:21

I cancelled the meeting. DD was really upset and I don't want to confuse her more right now or make her stop telling me things. I said that she wants to work on her self confidence and anxieties for now and can her form tutor keep an eye on her.

Have I done the wrong thing? Maybe. But it's the right thing for DD right now and I am keeping a very close eye on things and will keep a diary of anything that happens. I can go back to the form tutor at any time after all. He'll probably think I'm flaky as fuck but I don't care right now.

DD came home today and said a quiet nice boy in her class was beaten up by a group of year 9's at breaktime and didn't come back to class after that. She only heard about it and didn't see it so who knows what actually happened. She's feeling a bit worried about DS starting next year as he is autistic so more likely to be bullied.

I'm finding this really stressful. No idea what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
Quadrangle · 05/05/2017 17:17

How did it go op?

hollygolipo · 05/05/2017 13:05

OP you sound absolutely lovely and a great mum. I was just like your daughter at school and was unpopular until at around aged 15 I found a group of friends and things slowly changed. Please do go ahead with the meeting - use it as a chance to ask questions about your daughter and the options available to her; don't think of it as invading her privacy, but arming yourself with the tools to help her, as well as increasing your understanding of how the school works. The school is more likely to work with you, and to look out for your daughter, if they've spent time with you understanding the issues. Your daughter sounds like she is finding her own way through a difficult time and I wish you both the very best!

Witchend · 05/05/2017 12:48

Could I just ask that if anyone is reading has a child who is socially good with others-not necessarily Miss Popular, but comfortable with friends, that you encourage them to see if they can spot those who are isolating themselves and try and include them.
Often those who isolate themselves look like they're not interested in being friends, but it's often that they're too afraid of rejection to ask or just join in.

I've got 2 girls who both isolate themselves, often with a book, and dd1 had a girl in her class who would pull her along at times and it made such a difference as the others were able to get to know her too.

Quadrangle · 05/05/2017 07:07

Could you ask about a school counsellor or see one out of school?

LittleIda · 04/05/2017 22:20

She might have been worried because she sees the HOH being strict dealing with bad behaviour etc but I'm sure she'll see a totally different side to him/her in the meeting when dealing with this.

creaser · 04/05/2017 21:52

My DS is in year 10 and has always struggled massively with socialising at school. They have a nurture group where any vulnerable students can go at dinner/break, library group, homework club and other things like that, does her school have similar things that can help if she really struggles. However if she meets a group of freinds at dinner then that is positive.

I'd just let her miss the form a few kids at my sons school miss it altogether due to similar issues. What does form really gain anyway. My DS now comes home at lunch as this was always his most stressful time. The most important thing is keeping in touch with the school as people can keep an eye without the other kids knowing.

RosieTheQueenOfCorona · 04/05/2017 21:46

Yes, please don't cancel. Please tell your daughter that this bullying (and ostracism, treating someone as if they're 'weird', is bullying) is not ok and even more importantly is not her fault.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 04/05/2017 21:44

I think she is getting herself confused and is worried the other kids will find out. We have reassured her we will make sure noone gets in trouble or anything like that so there is no chance things will be made worse for her. She seemed more worried when she knew the head of house was coming. Can't work out why though.

OP posts:
LittleIda · 04/05/2017 21:42

Tell her the HOH will deal with this sort of thing constantly in case she is worrying it will be a big, rare thing that the HOH hardly ever comes across and will be shocked by or something.

LittleIda · 04/05/2017 21:40

No don't cancel. She obviously isn't happy as things are even if she's had one better day. Try to reassure her the HOH will help and none of the kids will know about it. I think if you cancel things won't improve.

Nowdecide · 04/05/2017 21:06

Hello - this sounds tough. Can you reassure your DD about what you want to discuss with the school - you're not there to get anyone into trouble or tell tales but try to help her be happier at school. What does she say she would like to change? The school should be putting her in the driving seat and asking her what they can do to help. If you can get her to open up and tell you what she feels about the current situation it would be a good start.
Good luck. I feel for you. It's awful when your children are struggling and you can't see a simple solution.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 04/05/2017 20:52

DD was in tears after school today because she doesn't want me to meet with her head of house. She said things have got better today Confused. I'm not sure exactly what it is she is worried about but I seem to be making her more confused and upset at this stage. Should I cancel the meeting? Argh!

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LittleIda · 02/05/2017 11:53

I hope he is helpful. If not I'd go higher up. Not to complain about him but to enquire about help from another source.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 02/05/2017 11:16

Thanks hothead that's really useful to hear. I've emailed the form tutor so will see what comes of that :)

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Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 02/05/2017 10:43

My daughter thought biology disgusting in yr 7as they do reproduction.She is in yr 9 now and all the bitchy girl stuff from that seems to go on from yr 6-7 has eased as has the insesant who fancies who nonsense.
my daughter now has 2 best friends and doesn't hang around in the group she was in at the beginning.The groups of people from the same primary schools seemed to separate last year.
I think your daughter is dealing this with some maturaty but would still speak to her form tutor to get their view and you become a visible parent.

SuperPug · 02/05/2017 00:25

Sounds like it's almost a self preservation thing- remove yourself from harm and anyone you associate it with it, even if some are nice kids.

SuperPug · 02/05/2017 00:24

Sorry OP, I know it's been said but the behaviour at the school sounds unbelievably awful. I don't understand why form tutors are not there or any type of supervision? Perhaps they've become complacent as it's a good school?
I would perhaps consider other schools in the area if that's appropriate and right for your daughter.

Original poster
Titsywoo · 02/05/2017 00:13

Thanks you're right. I will contact the form tutor tomorrow to arrange a meeting :)

OP posts:
Astro55 · 30/04/2017 20:43

The school may offer resilience courses -- there maybe some clubs that work on social anxiety

They may bring like minded children together for confidence training -

There's loads to offer

Teachers can keep an eye out and see where the issues are

It's not asking them to stop the girls being mean - but they can help your daughter integrate better

Original poster
Titsywoo · 30/04/2017 20:05

The problem with involving the school is what will it achieve? Particularly if part of the problem lies with her? They can't make the others be nice to her (seriously a teenager being told they need to stop being nasty to her is likely to make things worse!) and moving classes may just end up starting the same problem with a new crowd. She isn't keen to move as she thinks it won't help.

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Original poster
Titsywoo · 30/04/2017 20:03

I agree she is being judgemental bojo and I have mentioned it to her. I think she is struggling with growing up. Periods freaked her out when they started (even though we had discussed it at length so it wasn't a surprise!), the whole idea of sex disgusts her (learning about it in biology recently wasn't pleasant for her) and she used to say a lot when she was younger that she didn't want to grow up.

Glad to hear there's a chance it will all get better even if it is in a few years!

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bojorojo · 30/04/2017 19:55

My DD was the only girl in her state primary school to move to a girls' boarding school. However she was outgoing and rubbed along with nearly everyone when she got there but she was known for her quirky fashion sense and irrational outbursts (hormone related). It just can happen.

In any group of girls there are clothes mad ones and those who talk about boys. Their hormones are on the march and perhaps your DD should be a bit less judgemental. At the moment they are just talking about boys - they are not sexually active! She does appear to need to think about who should could be friends with and as my DDs discovered , friendships are fairly fluid until they start studying for GCSEs. Mistakes are made. By Y10, they have grown up a bit, discovered who is like minded and become more able to tolerate excesses and characteristics in others that make them different from you.

LittleIda · 30/04/2017 19:21

I think you need to involve the school more. I agree with this.

As others have said, I would speak to her Head of Year. Isolation by her peers is not acceptable. However, it seems unlikely that every single pupil in Y7 is horrible. Would it be possible for a change of class for Y8? The Head of Year must know other pleasant kind children. Generally most children find their like minded buddies, but in the meantime, go into school. You have everything to gain

It isn't your fault but you do need to involve the school more. Good luck!

Original poster
Titsywoo · 30/04/2017 19:12

Thanks all. Yes I am proud of her as she has been very brave to start a new school with no friends and to be trying new clubs etc by herself. It just seems so unfair that she gets nothing but shit for it :(

I've talked to her a bit more about it and the problem is partly her and partly the other kids. They have labelled her as "weird", I guess because she is a bit shy and socially she can be awkward. So she has decided she hates them all - fair enough I suppose as they don't like her to sit next to them and whisper about her behind her back. The two girls who live on our road (part of the very popular kids) look at her if she is walking down our road and she just ignores them.

The other reason she doesn't like them is because they talk a lot abotu dating and who fancies who and she finds it ridiculous.

So they are just on different pages really but she is coming across badly and they are being a bit nasty.

So I think I need to help her work on her social skills without her getting a complex. She does need to work on this as if someone like a waitress or the GP asks her a question she still looks to me to answer or ums and ahs but doesn't say anything.

Argghh. I don't know if I'm getting too involved or not enough. My son has autism and will be starting secondary in 1.5 years and I'm worried about how he will get on socially there already. I didn't expect that DD would struggle as well :( I feel like this is all my fault.

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