What happens about 'play dates'?

My eldest DD will be going to secondary next year. We are in London and I don't drive so she will be getting herself to and from friend's houses by herself. Is anyone else in this position and have any advice? It will obviously be harder to meet her friends' parents unless I go to collect her from their houses and I imagine she would resist this as she will be going to school by herself (possibly travelling quite a long way, depending upon which school she gets into).

Everyone parents differently. It just gives me peace of mind.

I've got a year 7 DD and struggling with this too.
The first time she went to someone's for tea I went to pick her up and it turned out the friend had 4 brothers between 17 and 25 yrs , all with mates and girlfriends etc round that evening. Some random young adult opened the door to me and left me to look around for DD - it was like some sort of student party in there!

Not quite there yet but how does this work with rural areas ? We are 5 miles + from the secondary my children will go to. No buses. No pavements. No lighting....

Same as golfbuggy here. 3 of mine have negotiated their way through secondary school without me knowing the phone numbers of any of their friends' parents, and seem to have survived.

I do, however remember when my eldest was 9 or 10 and the whole world of secondary did seem so scary. In my case, all my worries stopped about 3 weeks in. They really do mature a lot between the end of juniors and the beginning of secondary. they will be fine, honestly

Maybe I've had an easy ride so far then, but one of the conditions of my DC having the freedom they do is that they keep their phonescharged up and can be contacted when needed. They seem to quite often hang about in parks/wood/random fields anyway, so knowing the phone number of the parent of the friend they are notionally visiting isn't necessarily very helpful - especially as I said upthread the parent may not even be at home!

Fairweathercyclist I ask DS to get it from their friend.

I only ask for parents contact numbers in case of sleepovers, otherwise dc just phone me to say that they are going to x house and what time do they need to be home. If it is quite a distance away they usually ask if I can come and pick them up.

Sorry to be clear she and her friends were 12 at the time hence the 😱 when I found out about the others roaming the streets at 2am

Like others have said this is the stage they start organising things themselves. It's a bit scary but the important thing is to try and teach them how to look after themselves rather than continue checking up for them. My DD is 14 now and it's been a rocky ride. She's nearly got herself in some sticky situation despite my attempts at checking up.

On one memorable occasion I had a long and very pleasant text conversation with smother girl's mum regarding their planned sleepover. Then DD appeared home in tears saying they'd fallen out. I subsequently found out there was no sleepover, the mum I'd been texting was actually the girl herself, and the other girls involved had all told their parents different stories and ended up spending most if the night outside on the streets 😱.

The point of my story is that my checking up didn't work but luckily my DD didn't end up going though with the crazy plan in the end and made the correct 'decision' on her own.

So I monitor carefully and pretty much try to work on trust. And invite everyone round here ( I had 15 teenagers on this house over the weekend 😖) so I can get a feeling for who she's hanging out with. Still on hyper alert now though. And if my spidey senses start tingling I'll be making phone calls not relying on texts...

Having parents' contact numbers is just useful, golf. If for some reason you need to reach your child and your child isn't answering their phone, it means you have a better likelihood of getting hold of them / knowing their whereabouts.

Regarding being on their own in the house with friends and possibly siblings, I think it depends on the maturity of the individuals. Things can go wrong, they can have arguments etc I think there are plenty at age 11 who are still not quite there in terms of being completely without adult supervision for several hours at a friend's house. Some, though, of course will be fine.

I'm obviously missing something, but I don't know the phone number of most of my DC's friends, nor do I have a clue who half the friends that wind up at our house are much less have their parents' numbers!

And of course when DC go to friends' house/ friends come to hours, there is no guarantee that there will actually be a parent there!

On the other hand every DC has their own phone and their parent can contact them directly if need be.

Regarding texting parents, as I mentioned in my earlier post you can send your DC in with a note detailing your contact details and an invite to your house. You then get their contact details when the arrangements are made.

My general rule is to text the parent out of politeness whatever age

how do you have everyone's number? Is there a list from school or do you ask your dc to get it?

From comprehensive, we had children back home all the time - large family so always food and company. I got to know lots of the parents and remain friends even though eldest left school 7 years ago. It was still collecting from friends houses/parties/school trips and lift sharing for activities like orchestra and plays etc. Parents inevitably came in for a cup of tea and chat.
From boarding itbwas more formalised as we lived so far apart, so planned events in house. Then weekend swapping and sports collecting/touchline conversations.

I sometimes contact a parent of a friend I don't know, just to make contact really. Ds1 is 15 and I do it, mainly because there are sleepovers, parties and alcohol on occasion. It doesn't bother me, but I want the parents to have my number and vice versa.

Dd1 is in year 7. She had a couple of new friends, there's a social group of year 7 mums and a Whatsapp group.

My general rule is to text the parent out of politeness whatever age. I don't feel the need to meet them but if their kid is at mine, I like them to have my number.

We live quite far from school, so I did the note thing at first with dd - "dd would like to invite X for tea, these are the dates which would be ok for me, let me know if any suit you. Here's my mobile number, we'll drop X home afterwards." Seemed to work ok and not be too horrifically embarrassing.

Backforgood, yes obviously it is vital to talk things through with DD but I don't think it's unreasonable to also have some contact, albeit limited with the parents of the other child.

I do encourage DD to learn to cook, I just don't allow her to do it when she's alone in the house, since I'm not confident in her ability to do it safely without supervision, or to know what to do if something caught fire. I certainly wouldn't trust an unknown 11 year old to cook safely in a house unsupervised by any adult.

You have to cross your fingers and hope that the household is fairly normal. Which almost all of them are.

Also worth going to PTA introductory drinks or any 'welcome new parents' events (especially if based on the class not the whole year group) and then later anything else for parents, just so you can at least have a vague idea of who's who.

Got to admit that when DD went into Yr 7 and got invited to someones house I didn't know - I asked for the Mums mobile number so I could call and introduce myself etc - found that I wasn't the only one doing it and most were relieved that we were actually all thinking the same thing - ie didn't want them going off to random peoples houses that we didn't know.
Met the Mum or Dad everytime we took DD to their house, and them to us, so got to know them a bit that way. By the time sleepovers start you know the parents enough to feel ok about it all.

Not all parents are like this - but the new friends that DD made all had similar boundries.

Now she is in Yr8 she gets invited to peoples parties that I don't really know but we make sure we take her and chat to a parent when we drop them off. I still wouldn't let her go to a sleepover at someones house I didn't know. I don't need to be friends with the parents but I need to know them a little.

It's in a few years time I'm not looking forward to - when I'm not sure if the parents are actually going to be home when the kids come round....

Well they spend 40 minutes travelling on a bus to a city and all day at school without you so why the angst? They're 11/12 and upwards,not babies. They choose their friends not you,that is the whole point.

I always get my DC to get the friend's mum to send me a text,they take their phone so I'm in contact at all times.

The last few years I've been teaching them to make sensible choices and keep safe so know I can rely on them. I am a 20 minute car journey away.

Children need independence and to take risks to build resilience which is crucial for good mental health.

At secondary you don't get to organise anything so to be frank your main worry is that they are managing the transition ok and making friends. Year 7 can be hard. Getting invited to sleepovers is the least of your worries.

Bonbons.
What you need to do though, is to work with your dd to think about what she would do in scenario X, Y, or Z.
You meeting the parents for 10 mins - or even an hour - isn't going to tell you that she will or won't be 'safe', what you need to do is to equip her with the skills to 'get out of' any situation she feels uncomfortable in, and the confidence / self-esteem to not just follow peer pressure, and to know how to say no.

Oh, and knowing how to cook at 11 is neither silly nor dangerous. It's normal.

Regarding new friends, whose parents you don't know, you can give your dd a note with your contact details on saying you'd like to arrange for their DC to visit you and if they could please contact you so you can arrange this.

At this stage, when you don't know new families, I think it is easiest. Then just take things from there. You get to see/speak to the parents briefly then. I don't think they'd think badly of it as they are all at a new school. Sensible really because you don't know how mature the children are or if they've any additional needs - you don't necessarily have to ask but it gives the parents a chance to tell you about anything you should know if their child was to visit.

Dancergirl, I suppose the reason I'm dreading it is up until now I have always known the parents of kids whose house she would be visiting and also known the kids. If they are arranging it themselves I won't know if the other kids parents are actually going to be there or not. My dd will be just 11 when she starts secondary. Although she is pretty sensible and has stayed home alone for about an hour, I know a lot of kids her age who I wouldn't trust to be sensible if home alone, and I worry she may be drawn into something silly/dangerous if the other person is doing so. E.g. she is not allowed to cook at home alone, but another family may have different ideas or child may not abide by rules they've been set. If I don't know the kids I have no idea what kind of person they are and just because an 11 year old thinks someone they've met at school seems nice isn't necessarily a good indicator of their character.

Also I wouldn't have a problem with her spending a few hours (or a sleepover) at someone's house if the parents are going to be there but not if they aren't going to be. And I'm supposed to take the word of an 11 year old I've never met on the subject without checking with the parents?

There's a balance between being embarrassing and making sure your child is safe. Just because they started secondary school doesn't make them an adult, nor does it mean they necessarily make safe or sensible decisions or judgments. I can't see that having brief contact with the parents of a child you've never met is excessive at this age.

Try again! Screen jittery.

I think it depends on the indivdual parents and children. I text to invite DC's friends round and visa versa. Tbh it involves the parents as we often will feed the DC too. The DC usually discuss what they are planning between themselves at school though.