To board or not to board - am I being selfish

We know what you want and what your DH wants but what do your sons want.

In my experience Boarding school is like marmite, you either love it or hate it let them decide with no pressure what they want to do

You are not being selfish. I personally couldn't imagine sending my children to a boarding school but everybody's lives and situations are different.

My DD boarded for Sixth Form only, not really what I wanted but she was keen to try it so I let her. She loved it, and has had a seamless transition to uni (overseas).

I certainly didn't want her to board from Year 7 and, thankfully, she didn't express any wish to do so! Had she done so, I hope I would've listened and tried to accommodate as far as possible e.g. by boarding for one or two nights a week. I wouldn't have liked it, although that would be thinking of what I wanted rather than what DD did, iyswim.

Have your DSs said that they want to board? They may think that they "have to", because that is what their sister did. I would try and make it clear to them that the boarding and day options are both open to them. And don't let your OH prejudice how they think!

I would let them decide. If they are really keen then let them try it and let them know they can move to a day school if they aren't happy. That way they've had the same opportunity as your dd. It might look odd to your dd if you didn't allow them to go but allowed her to.

Mmmm. My dd is about to go off to boarding school and I am going to miss her so much. It is a difficult one and a compromise. If it were my decision we would move back to UK and she would go to a day school.... but then I desperately wanted to board as a kid..... My DH is very pro boarding and she really wants to go to the school too.

It just seems so nuts to me to spend an absolute fortune to not have your own lovely child around. I am pretty cut up about it I have to say. I think I am going to find the next few years really tough if the other two gradually go off too.

Well, as you say, it's a long way ahead ...

I'm hugely in favour of boarding for the right child - that is, one who would very evidently gain some tangible benefit from boarding, or from a particular school, that wouldn't be available otherwise. (Some children, for instance, might very evidently reach a stage where they seem to have outgrown their environment and simply need a bigger challenge or a change of scene.) I'm not at all convinced that family tradition, without more, is necessarily a good reason to make the choice.

If your strongest feeling is that you would miss them - it doesn't sound as if there is any pressing need for them to go!

Of course, that may change - but it's just as likely that you may find each of them needs something entirely different, neither Tonbridge nor the local private school. And it's not impossible (or is it?) that by the time they're ready for senior school the ideal state school may have established itself within travelling distance.

In the meantime I'm sure your (and your DH's) opinions will evolve as they progress through the earlier stages of school. Children generally show what they need!

Not selfish. If they are good kids and it's a good school nonetheless then they will probably flourish well with your love and guidance at home just as well as they would in a boarding school.