To board or not to board - am I being selfish

My dh (only child) went to boarding school from 11. He got a very good academic education, and because he was very sporty, he loved the sporting opportunities it offered.

However, he hated the experience overall and missed not seeing his parents for 6 weeks straight. He hates the fact that when he broke his arm playing rugby, he didn't have his mum with him in hospital or for the next three weeks until term ended. He now has a fairly poor relationship with his parents.

As a result, Dh was adamant that our dc would go to the local comprehensive, which they did. And although they didn't have some of the opportunities dh did, they benefitted hugely in other ways. Ds1 had some mental health issues aged 15 -18. I can't imagine how he would have coped without having a very supportive, safe family environment during that period.

happy Sorry if I gave the impression that I'm against boarding. I think it's an individual choice and I didn't mean to criticize it. I am against every gross unfounded and unfair generalisation, including that boarding is for unhappy children or families but also that day parents get "too much" of their children to bear it. In your circumstances it's clear it was the right choice. I am in London and fortunately could choose between some very good day schools at a commutable distance. Yes, there is a lot of ignorance re boarding schools (although not my case). They have changed so much in the last decades anyway. What I was saying in this thread is that the OP's feelings have to be considered and it isn't just for the children to decide as if it were a basic need. After all, lets not forget these are first world problems we're talking about. To be precise, the tip of the iceberg of the first world. (I know they offer bursaries...)

In support of boarding. My DD who has boarded in only in 6th form sent me a text only last week saying "i am so happy Mum. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come here." Boarding has made her world perfect for her.

There are some crap parents who send there children to boarding school who can't wait to see the back of them in long holidays but there are equally crap parents whose children do to day schools in both sectors who can't wait to see the back they of them. Numerically as only a tiny % of children board there are more of the latter.
I know countless parents of boarding school children I rarely if ever hear parents say that they can't wait for the holidays to end.
Hardboiled I am also in part responding to the gross unfounded and unfair generalisation upthread that children who are happy at boarding schools are unhappy at home.
Just because it's not right for you and your DC's doesn't mean it's not right for others I respect that you and many other don't like the idea but we are all different. Few who criticise boarding so passionately would know one end of a 2017 boarding school from the other, most have never even set a toe inside one, they simply base their comments on prejudice, misinformation, or experiences of friends and family 20-30 years ago.

I used to hear work colleagues moan half way through the summer holidays "when are they going back to school" I can't wait to get rid if them". As boarding parents you really appreciate the small things, walking the dogs together watching a movie, eating breakfast together. And as he wasn't at home all the time I worked more n term times and less in the holiday to be around neither ever went into a holiday club

I don't send him to holiday clubs, or moan when he's home, or wish school started already. I enjoy every small thing with DS and he doesn't board. He's always working hard, so holidays are sacred for us. You cannot generalize. My neighbour was always shouting at her boys, couldn't wait till they went off boarding. Now she's very happy but when they're back she rolls her eyes and tells me she can't wait till they're off boarding again.

I'm anti boarding, and IMO if there are no particular reasons for DC 2 and 3 to board other than their father wishes them to and the school is (how much?) "better" than local options it'd make sense for them not to. Your needs and wishes are a valid consideration and no more "selfish" than DH's.

I don't think that your DCs' gender should be a factor taken into account: that's stereotyping about teen girls and boys.

I'd e the first to admit that sending your DC to boarding school is hard and how there were times I missed him terribly.
But as my then 7 year old said after he'd been boarding for 2 week "I realise in life you can't have everything" sadly very true.
I always think of a pair of scales you know the ones with a dish on the each side if you put the pros of boarding in one and the disadvantage in the other then providing the scales tip in favour of the advantages then the missing them not being involved in their lives every day becomes at best bearable and hopefully acceptable.
The adavantages for me may not be the same for you. These were my perceived advantage. DS2 is naturally brilliant at math by yr 2 he was top of his tiny primary school and better than many of his teachers, he was bored stiff. The school acknowledged this but also said they weren't prepared to do anything about it. We lived in a rural community and there were no more suitable schools in the area. But I wanted a broad education, a Renaissance education, where my math/science orientated child could do poetry, an MFL, Latin/classics, proper and regular sport, extra curricular sports/hobbies etc no small village primary school can offer these in the way a boarding prep can. So the scales tipped in favour of boarding. Over the 11 years he boarded they sometimes tipped the other way (when he was at prep) no boarding in it's self related and this caused all of us considerable distress and heart searching but we persevered because we believed it would be better at senior school. At senior school the scales always tipped in favour of the advantages, we chose our school carefully because it uniquely provides an extensive daily broad intellectual non examined curriculum which matters to me (ultimately more than exam results) once when my very non reading science/math orienated DS quoted some poetry, I knew we were doing the right thing giving him an opportunity that a day school (in either sector) couldn't give him or discussed opera, when he waxed lyrical about Malory learnt studied for no other reason than because it was there, or Shakespeare, art, etc. His school is very liberal we're very liberal, boys are very much allowed to be themselves, my lone wolf DS had been allowed to be just that no pressure to conform, barely any meaningless ritual, I hate meaningless ritual. He could do his chosen sport three times a week I couldn't offer this at home, he loved the intellectual side of it again I couldn't offer it a home. So he was receiving the education Id always wanted him too, he could only do it by boarding at his school so it was ok. As he said "in life you can't have everything". There are times when a I wanted to drive down an bring him home both my parents died, a friend died, he's been very sad at times and I wanted to support him, and did but so did others I believe as well as I could, I am eternally grateful to him amazing caring dedicated HM. Ok the disadvantages apart from the obvious; costs a big one, endless driving, not being in control of their every waking moment (not something I'm good at anyway) not being the main source of advise, not knowing what's going on at school (frankly a relief for me), what marks their getting etc, if they're actually doing prep (I think it's safe to assume they're not if they can possible help it), making sure they're shoes fit, or they've got a clean shirt etc (again not my strong point) or brushed their teeth, and you miss them terribly. But you get excited when at the end of every term in particular the long summer holiday when they come home. I used to hear work colleagues moan half way through the summer holidays "when are they going back to school" I can't wait to get rid if them". As boarding parents you really appreciate the small things, walking the dogs together watching a movie, eating breakfast together. And as he wasn't at home all the time I worked more n term times and less in the holiday to be around neither ever went into a holiday club.
But I should add we've always been incredibly close and have been since he was born, we are very alike in many ways and understand each other, we had before he boarded and still have an excellent loving relationship being with other families in my work and watching what goes on I count myself very lucky indeed. Although boarding alone will not bring unhappy children/parents together. He knew that he only had to ring and I'd be there, and would have removed him if necessary. Now at home on a gap year we remain very close we share a common interest so we're often together and so many people comment on it, our relationship is not damaged in any way. I have to be very reflective to do my job well so when he left school, the end of an era. I looked back over the last 11 years, has we done the right thing? Had I damaged irreparably our relationship? Would he have been happier at a day school? I asked him (he's also a very reflective and honest person) the answer; yes we'd made the right decision to send him to a boarding school, no our relationship was irreparably damaged, he had friend at both boarding school and day schools whose relationhsip with their parents was but ours wasn't and he couldn't really comment about happier at a day school because he couldn't really remember being at one but having watched his brother and other friends he very much doubted it.
Boarding isn't right for every child or parent but many happy well adjusted families do it and the comment that something must be wrong at home if a child is happy at boarding school is hurtful and uniformed. As I so often say on here I work with dysfunctional families, very few board it's poverty, substance abuse, abuse in general, hideous messy divorces, health problem and just plain fucking bad parenting that causes unhappy children.

Following this thread with interest, as DS has announced that he really really wants to board at 13, and I'm finding it hard working out what i in the best interests for him vs the fact I can't quite bear to "send him away" and not have him with me most days...

Quite agree happyg. It is a different type of education and suits some children. All assumptions by people who don't understand boarding are usually wrong! They are not away for weeks on end if you read the posts above. They are brought up by their parents and the schools are not a substitute. As if??? We are no longer in the 1950s.

"if a kid really loves boarding school, then there must be something wrong at home."
DS2 was very happy boarding and there is nothing "wrong at home" I've known 1000's of other children over the years who've board both personally and professionally, the vast majority of them also have nothing "wrong at home" in fact often the complete opposite many are part of very happy we'll adjusted families.

Neither do l. What's the point of having kids to send them away? Especially when they are teens, or actually any age. .... if a kid really loves boarding school, then there must be something wrong at home.

Its a great idea to send them away so someone else can bring them up🙄

I thought people only boarded if:

• they didn't have a good day school in commuting distance
• their parents both had full on jobs = weekly boarding makes sense
• a child has particular needs only fulfilled by a particular school (eg on the England tennis team needing specialist coaches and 4 hours of training a day!)
• family live abroad and want a UK education for their kids

Why would you choose boarding if you are at home and have a great day school in commuting distance? i don't get it on any level, financial, social, emotional.

I have a huge amount of anxiety about my kids going to boarding school. It is ironic because as I child I was desperate to go and wished my parents would let me. Fast forward to being married to an ex boarder (who truth be told says boarding from 8 was very hard) but he is still pro boarding from 13.

Also I only have myself to blame as I took them myself to see the schools as they were in such a small international school that I wanted to see what the alternatives were. Then it became like a kind of roller coaster. I have just about got my head around the elder one going but the younger one... I really don't think I can do it yet.

The anxiety for me is massive, I am obsessing about it, constantly researching and the kids are definitely aware of this. I either need to put my big girl pants on and get on with it or pull them out.

DH is being amazing, he will go along with whatever I decide. DD1 would be gutted if I said she couldn't go at this stage but she is a great kids and would deal with it. DD2 would be fine too... she is desperate to go to the local comp with her friends.

As for me.... I am totally pulled in different directions. I want to do the best for them but I want them home with family support and love too.

All I can say from this is I almost wish it was a decision that we did not have to make. If the money was not available then the decision would not have to be made. I have considered giving it away!!! But, I did not earn it so it is not mine to do that with.

I understand the difference, but was pointing out the local friendship side is the same.
Also, a mother missing her child is the same whatever the reason or conditions.
I do think if there are alternatives that could offer the same they shouldn't be overlooked, but at the same time pointed out that to send one and not another needs a good reason, not suggesting the OP hasn't a good reason.
her child might just ask why.
I do think that it should be the child's decision ultimately, as it could work the other way, that the parents wanted it but the child didn't.

But the OP's situation is not a music specialism school or a special needs school. Ultimately, Gilly, you knew your DD would not get anywhere else what she's getting at her school. Ultimately, you decided to bravely put that above your feelings. The OP has a good local school. I really don't think she should feel selfish or be made to ask the boys before making a decision and decide what SHE wants. She should not be forced into sending them to public school. My parents did not make the same decisions for each of my siblings, nor felt they had to. It was a time when parents had the last word about most things. I know it wasn't ideal, but the opposite is not right either.

Meant to add, probibly have a closer relationship with ds who boarded than ds at day school.

I agree with the not having local friends comment.
My dd has lost touch with most of her friends from round here as she leads a different life now and has nothing in common with old friends.
They talk on social media but she wouldn't meet up with them during holidays as they've all moved on.
This does mean though that when she is at home we have her undivided attention and I'm sure if it was compared with a day school pupil whose parents worked until tea time, the difference wouldn't be too much.
In fact time actually spent together may be higher for the boarder if a parent is at home everyday of the holidays.

Name changed.
Ds1 boarded, left summer 2016.Different situation, he went to a special needs boarding school because it was the most suitable school. Mostly he loved it.
However I always wanted a reason to bring him home as I missed having an influence over his life. Knowing what was going on on a day to day level. When ever things went wrong it was easy to blame the school.
He has made an easy transition to uni.
Ds 2 has remained at our local school. I couldn't contemplate the idea of him boarding too and he didn't have the need. As he has hit teen years many of the same things occur. I don't know what is going on on a day to day level. Things go wrong. In many ways I don't feel any more involved in his life.
Sorry not much help. I think boarding gave ds 1 room to grow. He did miss out on being part of our local community which ds2 has. Also part time jobs, local friends.
Ds2 gets more grief of us day to day. We are more likely to nag about school work. We didn't know if ds1 was doing his homework and as a result felt the consequences from the teachers.
Keep your options open . You and your husband may feel differently when they are closer to boarding age

I know it's not an easy decision and whatever you decide.
I quite often think the worst thing I did was allowing dd to talk me into attending an open day at her school.
From the beginning she loved the place and the more we saw the more it seemed to suit her.
It was completely off the radar for us because we had no idea how this particular school worked and thought we'd never be able to afford the fees in a million years.
Well, to cut a long story short, after 2 auditions they offered her a place and she went.
I spent the first term in tears, I missed her so much and although it's much easier now, I'd still secretly be happy if she asked to leave.
I know that sounds horrible, but it's awful missing your child.

As for being selfish, I think in my case it would have been selfish to stop her as it is exactly what she wants to do and where she wants to be.
She actually told me if I stood in her way, she'd never forgive me.
It doesn't make it any easier though and when people question why parents use boarding schools and the awful comments sometimes said, I feel like screaming you haven't got a fuckin clue.

If you have good alternatives and you want your dc at home, that's not selfish.
I disagree that parents should decide first, ito boarding it's up to the child and should be their decision.
As you have already had one board then it's essential imo to let any other children decide.
It would be hard to explain why one was allowed and yet others not.

I imagine these boys would board at 13, not earlier. Lots of schools are weekly boarding anyway. If parents have decided to live abroad, then they have to take the consequences of that. It was their choice. If parents live here then choose a school with weekly boarding and then you will get to see them. If you live in Newcastle and choose Tonbridge, then you cannot expect to see them! Be flexible is the answer. No more than 1.5 hours from home is a good yardstick or closer! We were 45 - 50 minutes away.

I saw my DDs a lot at boarding school. We, as parents, were invited to House events, sports matches, music events, drama, and a whole host of other activities. I took pleasure in seeing them flourish. I was very much aware that many children had both parents working and to have their daughters away from Monday to Friday was no hardship to anyone. The parents just saved on nanny/au pair costs as they didn't see their children that much in the week anyway.

As to giving the children choice - absolutely. The children who really do not want to board rarely make a huge success of it and resent it. Don't just look at your DHs old school. That may not suit. Have a good look at other options. You are presumably sending them to a prep to get up to speed with CE, so you have time to gather ideas and their friends may go to other schools you have yet to consider. Unless your whole world is your children, then modern boarding does open up options for everyone.

The difference is the parents have to decide first independently from their children's wishes. IMO, the OP should not need to consult children before deciding herself.

Hardboiled, what is the difference between asking kids about it and asking them whether they agree to it?

Spaghetti I agree with you

I loved boarding - I really, really loved it. I was the child who was packing my trunk in the last 2 weeks of the holidays because I just missed my friends so much and had such a great time there. But.... loving something doesn't mean it is for the best. My children would love to eat Haribo every day but I don't give it to them because I don't think it is the best thing for them.
You are not being selfish at all - you are wanting to raise your children in your family which, after all, is the place that children have been brought up for thousands of years. And there is a reason why nearly every human has been raised in a family day in day out - because children need to be nurtured right up until they are ready to leave home. They need to learn from their parents, talk to their parents, gain wisdom from their parents and have time out from the teenage culture. The Public schools have a huge amount going for them - amazing facilities, great results but they may not be the best all around for a child. I'm afraid I think there is no replacement for a loving, kind mother/father who is there to chat things through with a son or daughter - there to talk about things as they come up each day. It sounds like you are a lovely mother and I don't think you should feel guilty at all that you want to see and raise your children with you - it's natural and I believe it is for the best. I understand that sometimes, in difficult circumstances, it is best for a child to board, but a good day school plus home can offer more than a boarding school without the daily influence of home.

Why do the kids need to be asked about it? Boarding is not some kind of human right every kid should be offered. Most can't afford it and never even think about it. It should mainly be a decision of the parents, and then the child should be asked whether he/she agrees.