Boarding school - will I regret it?

I went to university with a little group of people from CH school (I presume we're talking about the one with the Harry Potteresque uniform). I shared a flat with one of them in my final year.

I'm sorry to report that they all seemed boringly normal, and had generally had a good time there.

At my school the school nurse had previously worked at Eton and had some real horror stories to tell. She used to give me large slugs of neat whisky and handfuls of Kalms to help me sleep

I went to (state) school with couple of kids who had been expelled from CH, if I am thinking of the right place. They were not happy. One of them was lastingly and obviously screwed up by his experiences there. Also went to a party at the school with one of them. Drink and weed were aflowing. There was a very smarmy housemistress who didn't seem to like her spotty charges. They have a ridiculous uniform. It was honestly a complete anathema to me and I can't think why anyone would send their kid there. I hope it's changed a lot.

Two of mine boarded for a week while we went on holiday- DS was Y6 and DD Y10. They both cried when they came home and begged to be allowed to board permanently.

I lived with my parents until I was 20 but they knew nothing about my life at school, boyfriends etc because I chose not to tell them. And despite trying really hard with my DD she never confided in me either and moved out at 17 to live with her boyfriend's family.

Astrophe, yes, I figured! I presume you mean G school?

I had a brief sojourn at WA years ago -- was desperate to leave home, and they offered full-fee schols at the time, so seemed like a good solution. How wrong I was.

Loads of the girls there came from G school, so I presumed that must be a hell-hole as well, only with younger inmates.

No Buffy's mum -weekly boarding wouldn't have changed things much (although could have helped). We were allowed 1 full weekend each half term but on the other weeks we were allowed home on a Sunday most weeks so I did see my family most weekends. I spent most of my visits home in dread of returning and begging my parents not to take me back .

They thought they were doing the best for me because it was such a 'good' school and so much better than the local crappy comp

dd1 who is 7 goes to a prep school in worcestershire ( foothills of the malvern hills) dd2 who is 2 1/2 will go aswell, dd1 boards 1 night a week at her own request, and it is very flexible , i write her name on a sheet a week ahead for the night she wants ot stay - if she doesn't want to go that week she doesn't, they run 2 nights a week as "fun nights" so the boarders get a dvd or trip out for pizza or in the summer they get treasure hunts/picnics /swimming etc. i really really want to go myself! If your dd is keen , and you are happy wiht hte school it could be a wonderful opportunity for her , not everyone has a bad time at BS. I owuld suggest your dd asks some of the present pupils, if she goes for a taster day, what they all do at the weekends . i bet there would be loads of stuff happening she would love... good luck.

i have to say again that not all bs are draconian rules, loneliness , drugs taking hell holes etc, mine was bright , spacious, the staff fun and caring , loads of activities and friends all the time plus loads of time/space and quiet to study hard if that is your thing . and that was 20 odd years ago, my DDs' school is all this and more, i wish i could go to her school!! my dd described her matron at school as " a cross between the best grandma in the world and mary poppins "

I went to BS and hated it but I can see why you are considering it. If I had to make the choice between a shitty school and an excellent bs for my children I really don't know what I'd do.

I must say though that I would move heaven and earth to get my kids into a good day school instead of either a crappy day school or a great bs.

BS disadvantages that may or may not not have been mentioned are the draconian rules, bitter, twisted and unhappy staff (all somehow refugees from a sad life themselves), bullying, lack of opportunity to socialise with the outside world etc, total mind-numbing boredom of being 'locked up' at weekends, elitism and snobbery.

Apart from that think about your relationship with dd. Boarding school made me independent - so bloody independent that I never told my parents anything about myself ever again. They didn't ever meet any of my boyfriends until I got married. They have met few of my friends even now. I did all my teenage rebellion and stupid dangerous stunts well away from home and have never lived near them except for holidays since I was 11 . This is all despite the fact that I have a great relationship with them and they are the sort of kind understanding people that many MNers wish they had as parents. I wish I'd had the chance to grow up and go through all that teenage stuff at home.

I don't want that to happen with my kids.

frogs, i mean prep, not pre school

Going to boarding school feels a bit like I imagine it feels being put into care.

I had a good time at my boarding school, after the first term when I literally couldn't speak because I knew I'd cry. I was bullied because I was vulnerable. I felt like my heart was broken. I started to feel ok once I started to smoke, drink, shag, get suspended and bury my feelings.

I carried on with the burying throughout my late teens/twenties with plenty of drinking and drugs.

There was no moral compass because my parents had no awareness of my daily battles. I was so isolated from my parents that it became hard to go home for holidays.

It is only since ds was born and I stopped avoiding it all that I realise how much of an impact it has had on me.

I was bright and have a good job, am close to my parents, have a great relationship with DH and a beautiful son, but I really believe that I have underachieved professionally, and that I struggle with relationships, self esteem and confidence as a result of boarding.

If there are fee-paying day schools near you don't dismiss them out of hand because of the being the poor kid at the posh school argument. Firstly plenty of fee-paying schools have kids whose parents scrimp to pay (possibly even more likely if your only state school is as bad as you say) and/or have quite a diversity of people. Secondly being the poor kid at a posh school isn?t always so bad (I was and I survived). Especially if she?s academically bright, cheery, resilient, independant ? all these things are much more important to fitting in/finding friends than being able to afford the tennis lessons and the ski-ing trip (I never did. Best part of 20 years later I am still dear friends with many school friends who did the tennis/ski-ing thing). Thirdly all of this depends on the actual school ? your only way of finding out would be to visit ? it?s too important to dismiss without considering them. And hang around the school to watch the kids and parents. There might be a lot of 4-w drives and uber-mums but you can bet that?s not the whole story. They?ll be clapped out ford fiestas, they?ll be kids catching the bus, and they?ll probably be quite a lot of pretty ?normal? kids.

I boarded and loved it -

My dh went to boarding school from the age of 6 . He hardly saw his parents (probably just as well as mil is a cow) and he and his siblings have a weird, very formal relationship with them now (he is 45). He often says he is envious of the relationship that I and db have with our parents.

the top girls independent school in britain..would that be?

Buffysmum - if it is CH I can tell you all about it in the 70's!
I was full of Malory Towers etc but I really enjoyed it even though I was the only kid with an Irish accent and my family were in another country. I am not particularly screwed up (though others may disagree ) and my relationship with my Mum has always been great. I know it doesn't suit a lot of children but it did suit me.
I did have a very real option of leaving if I didn't like it which I think helped.

My DD is only 4 but I think I would seriously consider boarding if I was in your situation at secondary level.

HTH.

no, but one of the pre schools that feeds it.

Which posh boarding school in bucks, astrophe? Not WA by any chance?

It's pretty much a no no unless there are exceptional circumstances, imo.

I've now scannd throught his and just to say I agree with everything Cod and Greensleaves say. The lonliness, the Sundays, the being taught to cope.. high rate of suicide attempts (FFS - one even succeeded at my school), the drugs, the alcohol...

I know its the done thing here in England
I know some kids enjoy it and get on fine
I know some schools are better than others...

BUT

Having done a GAP year in a posh boarding school in Bucks, and meeting lots of other Gappies from all over UK... I would never, ever, ever, EVER under any circumstances send my child to Boarding school. Not ever.