Boarding school - will I regret it?

Astrophe, I'm really shocked that your experiences are so recent -- I had hoped that kind of sarky nastiness and bullying had died out.

I do know plenty of people who genuinely enjoyed boarding, and I don't think they're deluding themselves in hindsight. It does tend to be a particular type of individual, though: naturally outgoing, gregarious, good all-rounders, bright but not superintelligent, not excessively thoughtful or given to analysing, not particularly sensitive.

I think it also helps to come from a background where boarding is the expected norm, and to be in a school where most other people come from the same kinds of family. Boarding is much less likely to suit people who are quite introspective, quiet, easily hurt, and have a high need for personal space and time out, or are in some other way inclined to be the odd one out.

Oh gosh - you poor things! I can't imagine what it must have been like for you gals who had a really tough time.

sari - you poor thing
I was a gap matron in 1999. I've totaly forgotton the Head's name...she had two big dogs in her office.

The staff who were dismissed were heads of H house (miss s) and w house (kath ??)

wow I surprise myself that i've forgotton names...blocked them out!

when were you there?

buffysmum - i'm sure you are a lovely mum and will keep a very close eye on your dd if she goes. please do, andtake anything she says very seriously.

Astrophe, I was at G and everything you say rings true. I don't know when you were there but the long-standing Head when I was there terrified me. I remember wetting myself once while waiting to be seen by her about something I had no involvement in. I went when I was 9 and the girl in the bed next to me was so unhappy she didn't speak to any of us for well over a term, yet I don't remember any staff trying to help her in any way. She cried herself to sleep every night for months. They started taking really young children in about my last year -I remember a 5 year old.

Funnily enough I enjoyed my first two years (aged 9 - 10) but then was unhappy. I then went on to WA which I did not like at all and have very little good to say about. (I wonder when you were there, Frogs?)

Suffice to say none of my children will ever board. For me, the main reason is that I stopped including my parents in my life and led a parallel life about which they knew nothing. Even now I would never consult them or ask for advice about anything, although I am happy to see them and enjoy spending time with them. So yes, boarding school made me independent but it's not the kind of independence I'd want for my children.

but bloss, don't you work in an australian boarding house? I imagine they are worlds apart?

Frogs, yes, G School, it was appalling. There was frequent emotional abuse by staff of vulnerable girls, also lots of rasim and predjudice against less affluent girls (also from staff). Generally the girls themselves were lovely and supportive of each other, but it was every girl for herself when it came to the crunch, and if the Head of House made a cruel joke about another girl, then what could they do but laugh along? They were all less than 14 years old, some were only 5

We (other gappies and I) reported some specific cases of emotional abuse to the Head, and she didn't want to hear about it. Fortunately a year or so after we left SS investigated certain members of staff, and the 2 worst were dismissed.

Lots of the girls were not picked on by the staff, and really loved it. My worry would be that during the term or so it might take you to realise your child was being abused, untold damage could already be done.

Yes, I know this is not everyones experience, there are many loving matrons etc, and some children adore boarding. Personally i wouldn't risk it, plus I think its right that children live with their parents (except in very exceptional circumstances), and are not raised by other people, however kind and fun they may be.

I think it is unbelievably cruel Everyone I know who has been has issues of one kind or another with their parents.You would miss a huge chunk of her growing up

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Buffysmum - if its any help my Mum hated the idea of me 'going away to school', something she didn't tell me until well after I had left school. She took the incredible decision of allowing me (at 11) to decide if I wanted to go.
I have nothing but admiration for her for giving me that choice (and the chance of an amazing education), it has always given me a huge sense of how much she loved and valued me even then.

The proviso was always clear that I could leave at any time if I didn't like it but I thrived there.

Am now slightly paranoid that the fishy one was a contemporary that I haven't sussed out. Think she's way younger than me though

I know you do Beety - I actually applied to that school but didn't get in.

fannyannie - we have loads of specialist musicians at dc's school. Most of them board. They are super dooper musicians who just would not et the teaching at home.

Twig - my dad sais the same - talking to him even now (now Daddy's little girl is all grown up and expecting her 3rd DC ) he still says he can't quite believe he agreed to me going to boarding school. Although he's glad he did as it worked out well for all concerned, he was always absolutely adamant that "no child of his would ever go to private school" (never mind boarding LOL).

sorry would never contemplate a child of mine not living with us ..

of course much easier to say as have not been confronted with that kind of situation as eldest is only 6 .. but I cannot, now, envisage it

Twiglett - what if you were in the position that my parents were in?

I was desperate to continue with my music, they wanted me to continue too. However it was a constant battle to get to music lessons, fit in music practice, homework, and things like Brownies and playing with friends. In the end we decided (well I had heard about Music Scholarships and wanted to ask them, and they'd been looking into them and wanted to broach the subject with me LOL) that the only way for me to be able to continue my music and be a 'normal' teenager was to get a music scholarship somewhere.

The local girls school did music scholarships - but didn't offer the Organ as one of the 'optioins' (not much good given Organ was my main instrument). I ended up 350 miles away from them but almost overnight became happier - I had time to do everything I wanted to do - and as a result when I was at home with them in the holidays was a much happier person - and still to this day have a great relationship with my mum (average one with my dad - but that was the case even before I began my music....)- even though from 12-18 I was away at boarding school - and for the last 2yrs there I hardly went home in the summer holidays instead staying with friends in Edinburgh for the Festival .

If I'd stayed at home and gone to a local school something would had to have 'given' - and I dread to think what it would have been as music is still a huge part of my life now.....

2 things

1. you couldn't pay me to allow a child of mine to board

2. if you apply and she gets offered a place you will not be able to say no .. I really would advise you to decide beforehand .. can you imagine her knowing she got in and you not allowing her to go .. you would be on incredibly shaky ground there .. why allow her to apply .. just to see if she got in?

Zippi, think son of god

Talk with your xh, talk with your dd, talk to the school and see if dd still likes the thought of it once explained fully - then make a decision. Good luckx

for those who don't know put a few more letters round ch please

I may be wrong, but I thought the codmeister herself went to CH, in which case that's the school she's describing here.

Hi - I haven't read all of the posts but felt I had to put in my two penn'rth. I went to an all girls grammar school and have always thought of boarding schools as a form of torture. As an adult though I am now part of a boarding school and can see that some children/boys (13 and over) absolutely adore boarding - they beg their parents to let them stay when their parents have put them down as 'day boys'. I am part of a termly boarding community, but this 'term' is a little dated now as most of our pupils stay 'out' or go home every Sat pm and only return for chapel on Sunday evenings. It's not weekly boarding but it's almost 'as good as'. They see their parents (unless overseas) most weekends. I truly think it depends on the child - some truly hate it, some truly love it - most don't mind it and have times when they love the fun but want some time to themself. A difficult decision - what does your dd think?

That's good to know, frogs. My visit there is etched on my brain as a disasterous night! My first introduction to binge drinking and a mass of 14 year olds spewing rivers of vomit. I didn't even drink in those days so had to endure it sober and the kids there didn't half talk a load of shite, as stoned drunken teens are wont to do i suppose

No not everyone has a hard time at boarding school. I went to boarding school from the age of 5. There was no other choice in my case as it was a school for the visually impaired and we didn?t live close enough for me to be able to be a day pupil so I was a weekly boarder. When I was 9 we moved to south Africa and I boarded there too and when I was 11 my parents moved away and I became a term boarder. I can honestly say that I enjoyed it there, the interesting things happened on weekends so if you weren?t there on weekends you missed out on a lot. I ran a music/variety club and my weekends were taken up organizing talent competitions, hanging out with friends, just doing general teenage type things. I was never bullied, it was a very strict school so absolutely no chance of getting into drugs/alcohol, and I certainly wasn?t depressed. But ?

The last time I spent my birthday at home must have been when I was 4. I don?t remember, but all other birthdays would have been at school. Too many kids to make birthdays special, yes it was acknowledge and they?d sing happy birthday etc but that was it then.

I don?t remember ever confiding in my mum about anything, because to be blunt, she wasn?t there. She was 1000 miles away, so if I needed someone to talk to I talked to my friends. Friends who, on the positive side, I am still in touch with even though I moved away from south Africa 13 years ago.

My parents never met my boyfriends. They knew very few of my friends, although some of my friends lived more locally than me so I often went to their houses on long weekends etc so I knew their parents well.

The boarding school experience was a positive one, it?s the long-term effects that I didn?t even really realize until after that would prevent me from ever sending my child.