HELP! Worried about DS14 in Year 10

I would also like to suggest you look at the dyslexia thing again. My DS very capable but all of the slapdash things could be him. Often times clever children have coping skills that don't make the diagnosis easy. To be fair my DS was younger but one of the things that stood out for me was that with dyslexia the gap between written work and verbal work-what they are capable of-is bigger than it should be. If finances available I suggest you find a good independent ed psych and get him tested. Not one associated with your school or council. That will give you a good starting point...well worth it IMO...

Ok, I don't post very often at all, but in this case I feel I must.

Your son, is struggling.

He has standards at home, and school, that he feels are unattainable. He has minimums that he must do (have something to hand in). He knows he will be growled at, but knows it's serious and must have something (anything) to hand in.

He is still trying.

This will stop, when he has internalised the message that he is "lazy", that he "wastes time", that he is a "failure".

A little about me.

I'm bright, by 'academic measures' and everyone had high expectations of what I could achieve. I was fed the great academic dream. Except I had absolutely no interest in doing the great academic thing. I also loathed writing - and the actual process of writing is a painful and tortuous process it's now little more than scribble, (DS's writing has been likened to chicken scratch)

Frankly I'm not surprised that my son has dyslexia, as it seems to be moderately prevalent in my family. I stopped trying, at around 14 - over some science homework. By that point, I'd become disengaged with the school process, and was busy internalising the mantra that everyone was telling me - failure, lazy, a time waster. This particular homework I redid 8 times (yes, 8 times), because it didn't meet the arbitrary 'standards' of presentation expected even though the content remained the same - I struggled to manually create something beautiful.

That was a formative lesson, and I then questioned why I was even wasting my time bothering trying to try.

So I didn't.

Every half year the growling a would occur. But, it was no worse than trying and failing. It had no impact. The United school / Parent message was that I was capable, but lazy, a failure (or would be), and a time waster.

Those messages have been internalised to such an extent that I now struggle with imposter syndrome, some 30-odd years later. It can be crippling, especially if starting something new, the nagging doubt and the repeated internal script. Not to mention the now self imposed impossible standards, because obviously my own standards weren't good enough.

You and your DS have an opportunity to not replay the same story. There is a problem, somewhere.

Please get some help to find it, and gain strategies.

U.

Maybe he is just not good at everything. I work in a science environment & some of our brightest minds work & live in chaos. Have multiple things on the go at a time, never appear to finish anything properly & can't decipher their writing. They are paid for the things they can do. Maybe he will find his place & have a bright future doing the things he's good at.

It could be lots of things and it's going to be impossible to diagnose over the Internet to be honest.

It could also be that he has rushed at things so much that he hasn't learned the habit of how to work effectively and isn't sure how to sort this out. Add into that normal teen laziness and a gazillion hormones and it could be any number of things.

I think I would recommend you cut out the long discussions and reminding him how important this year is, because he will see it as nagging.

Perhaps also look into work experience - something he might enjoy and see a point to.

I'm going to go against the grain here and go back to the dyslexia thing. DS2 was looked at as lazy and even after his diagnosis his teacher at the time refused to believe it because his reading age was 14 at the age of 10. He has an unusual presentation which resonates with your son's experience and behaviour (and yes, some of it may be behaviour based on his difficulties).

My DS's form is called stealth dyslexia. You can google it. It is called stealth because it masks itself in bright children. They can gain enough from context to be adequate or even advanced readers although the writing side can be indecipherable. As I understand it the brain mechanisms for being able to take auditory or visual input (say from a teacher or a book) and turn it into language, and then output it as coded fine motor skills needed for writing gets disrupted. Rather like the usual dyslexia where letters and words are hard to read with this version they are hard to form.

In DS2, the difficulties also exhibit themselves as emotional. When he gets flooded with emotion, good or bad, he can no longer express himself verbally. When he was little he just froze up, didn't speak, wouldn't focus his eyes on you, physically froze, until the height of the emotion had passed. Then he could answer yes no questions about his feelings and eventually when he was calm could explain himself reasonably again. This happens less as he grows older but still happens.

This is the same language issue as with the writing. Stuff inside can't get processed into language and coded into writing (or speech under the heights of emotion) without a huge amount of effort. Anything which reduces the headspace for effort reduces the ability to output.

This year in school they actually read and understood the report which suggests using a keyboard for all written work and have allowed this (Year 7). DS2 will be able to continue this in years to come with the report and diagnosis. The keyboard has made an amazing difference. All the stuff in his head can now come out and he is suddenly achieving so much more in writing based work. He can also get presentation issues dealt with much more easily by formatting and cutting and pasting and then printing if necessary, or just emailing to the teacher concerned.

The behaviours your DS is showing, a lack of care for presentation shown with the ripped page for example, may be his expression of the difficulty he finds with writing and presentation. Feelings of inadequacy may actually be hampering him. That mixed with teenage hormones which tend to screw with emotional regulation and your obvious concerns for his achievement may unfortunately be adding to the issue.

Happy to tell you more if you think there is any possibility your DS might struggle along the same lines as mine. It is unlikely that a child so strong in science, maths, computing etc. simply doesn't care about school stuff to the extent that they are refusing to try in other areas unless something is going on. It might not be stealth dyslexia but I wouldn't put it down to laziness.

i would try to build on his love of science & computing
find some courses he might like to do, try and make some plans for beyond 16, see if anything will motivate him.

ask to see his science and IT teachers. ask for some back up. ask them not to accept scrunched up homework (you really shouldn't have to do this!)

i doubt nagging him is going to work if it hasn't already, at his age it has to come from within so i would try and spark some kind of motivation, some kind of "point" to it all. easier said than done i know...

Yesterday he ripped out a piece of lined A4 paper and wrote out his science homework. When I say rip, I mean literally ripped so that the edges were all a mess! It took him all of fifteen minutes and he stuffed it in his bag all screwed up and all dog eared!

this isn't about dyslexia or a learning issue. he loves science and is really good.

My Ds13 is very VERY similar and finally, after years of pushing and complaining, the school agreed yesterday to run some tests to see what's going on. I don't think it's just laziness. If I were you, I would talk to the school again. Don't worry about being labeled as THAT parent. If he doesn't manage to get over this hurdle, his whole education will be compromised. In the case of my ds, his lack of ability in English if starting to affect his Geography, History and any other subject where you have to actually write to show your knowledge. I have spent 1000s in tutors, but now it's time for the school to actually take this seriously

Dd had a tutor for her written English when she was about to sit the 11+. The progress she made was excellent. I got the tutor through recommendation.
Also I have a dd who will most probably go into stem subjects at A level. However I cannot think of a career where an ability at written communication will not be important.
I think with children, it is more effective to ask them their views rather than tell them what they are going wrong. So does he want to do better in written work? Does he feels he struggles and needs help? What sort of career does he want? Can he see why being able to write well may be of benefit?
I too went to a school which had the idea of learning through play, so know the struggle it can be to catch up with those children who have spent those same years learning through being taught.

Maybe tap into some ambition he has? Give him a reason for putting a bit more thought and effort in? Am amazed the school is letting him away with it tbh.

honestly he sounds totally "can't be arsed" lazy to me. i agree with your dh.
i'd talk to the school and get them to put a rocket up him. no capital letters. no full stops? that is barely acceptable in yr3 of primary never mind yr10.

does he put any effort into subjects he likes/is good at? or is it always the bare minimum? does he realise if he doesn't get a C in GCSE English he will have to repeat it?