Bright child, zero effort, mediocre grades - how best to handle?

very few children get the full grades they are capable of, because very few children actually put in the maximum effort, and the ones that do are not generally the happiest, best adjusted children.

Look at yourself, are you going to go all out to put the maximum effort into your job today, or are you going to work hard enough to feel satisfied with yourself and earn a living.

Life isn't about constant effort. We live in luxury here in the uk with minimal effort. You don't want your kids living their lives pushing themselves to the max. You want the to find the balance between working hard, and enjoying life, love and interests.

Your DSs GCSEs are fine

I was Miss Give Zero Two Fucks. I look back and rack my head how my parents could have changed how I was feeling at the time and I don't think they could. I wasn't miserable and I wasn't depressed. I just needed to grow up.

Not everybody, even really bright kids, are cut out for the sparkling A Levels, Top University path in life. Some of us just need to find our own way. But I know, as a parent, how frustrating that can be!

OP you can't make them work, they have to WANT it themselves.

It is totally frustrating; my DS had amazing GCSE results, mediocre AS and ended up with ABC (just missed a second B). That was because all tech was removed in the run up to exams.

He didn't get his offer for Uni, but ended up there anyway, studying a different subject. His choice and he was keen to go.

Roll on to the end of his first year and he failed it.

He is now going back to re-sit Yr 1 again. Hasn't looked at a book since he came home 3 months ago - has spent his time gaming, morning, noon and night. Says he wants to go back and will work this time...

I seriously doubt anything will change. I will be amazed if it does tbh.

My DH says if he fails again his PC is not coming back in the house.

It"s going to be interesting...

There are three possibilities, lack of maturity (ie. understanding the reason why he needs to apply himself to benefit his future), lack of interest in studying (can be the subject, can be the method of learning) or an overall lazy attitude.

I wouldn't be concerned with the first, it will come. I wouldn't be too bothered with the second, however, might want to help him understand what and how it is that he likes to learn and gear his study/career choices towards it. I would be very concerned if it was the latter and would apply a 'kick in the bottom' approach to it.

In my experience OP I'd add my vote to the 'nothing you can do' fraternity. My approach was low level nagging on an occasional basis coupled with a very, very rare outburst of frustration along the lines that a lot of opportunities might go down the Swanee if gears weren't got into. Things did shape up, though it might have been in spite of me rather than because of me.

I wish I'd had someone pushing me the way you are :( I've done alright academically but I'm not where I want to be :(

Sometimes young people need to grow up first. I know I came into this category and did all my learning post 25. I was not in the mood at 18.

My elder DD now laughs at the little amount of work she did to get 9 A*s. Some children can do this, others need to work hard. Talking to one of her flat mates at uni, we were somewhat amazed to hear him say he wished he could get the marks DD achieved with so little work! Final year saw her working like a whirling dervish for the first time. Two years on and she has a very strong work ethic. She was so adept at winging it when she was younger it was unreal!

I don't think you can make them work. They have to realise it for themselves and he probably will not care what university he goes to, so no great worry on his part. When he does see the need to work, he probably will.

Ds2 was very similar, no effort at all, no revision just sat the exams on what he knew. He did well enough, He didn't work in sixth form either in fact he probably worked even less as there wasn't the constant aggravation from his teachers and there was more to distract him like alcohol, parties and sex.
He didn't go to uni at 18 but went to work instead and he worked hard and progressed rapidly and his workplace funded his degree and his Masters (that he got with little effort tbh) He's now at 27 senior management, earning a very good salary so he turned out well in the end.
I would say that the effort and motivation will have to come from your son none of the lectures or friendly chats made the slightest bit of difference to ds in fact if I had my time again I'd have kept silent and let him figure things out himself as relationships were tense.
Ds's motivation is money and the respect of his colleagues so probably the reason why school just didn't cut it for him.

I think you are going to need to step back and let him sink or swim alone. Pushing him will likely entrench his attitude. And also, if he then fails he may blame you (you didn't push enough). If you make it clear now that his achievement or otherwise is now his responsibility - and force yourself to step back - it may give him the room he needs to grow up.

And yes, his results are decent. But unless his school is bad, he's already in a position where uni admissions officers for the top units are unlikely to be overly impressed (GCSE results are one of the best indicators of overall achievement at uni, once adjusted for things like having a crap school).

I would certainly make some restrictions (Internet, wifi, phone, money, tv) if he is being lazy. Not overboard but just to be clear he won't get these things on tap unless work is done.
Not paying for driving lessons or only paying for a handful might be a carrot too?
Insisting on chores if he isn't doing homework - as an either/or?
I am obviously not the parent of a teenager though!

Quite a few people have said l that 9+ GCSEs made up of a couple of A's, some B, some C's, is great, and we should be proud of kids and happy, and that was certainly the case when I did OLevels, but it really has changed...

Some schools will not let student take an A level if they get a B for GCSE, even if predicted grades were better (take a look at entry requirements for 6th form colleges to see this). My DC is waiting to find out what A levels he can now take after this. A B used to be a good grade, now it's not seen that way by schools really they seem to see it as showing an insufficient grasp of the subject. it looks to me like A* is the new A, A is the new B, etc.
And almost everyone takes >9 gcse's - there are diff subjects, some may be less taxing, but whereas when I was at school, 6 or more passes was great, now I think all my son's class would have been shocked with

I wouldnt be absolutely delighted if I knew the lazy so and so could have got straight a's! its only gcse. mostly a's would be standard for a high achiever. he is going to find a level a shock. as everyone else says though, its up to him and not much you can do. its tricky to balance presenting "accepting him for who he is" with "challenging him to do better as he is more than capable". I would also leave it up to him after offering help if needed, and remind him education is lifelong if he decides to work harder in his 20s.

He's got 9 GCSEs and that includes 3 A's??

You do need to step right back. I would have been absolutely delighted if my DS1 had got those results.

but is refusing all offers of help to organise his study time etc

Will you be organising his study time throughout 6th form and University too? He hasn't started 6th form yet.

I think these 'predicted grades' are a problem for some. They seem to think 'oh, I'm predicted an A, so that's fine' , missing out the rather crucial bit that the prediction only holds true if hard work is applied.

In last years tests my eldest only pulled out the stops for the subject that had a predicted C, and he wanted (and got) a much better grade. He seemed to think the othe subjects were 'in the bag' due to the prediction.

But maybe that is just my teen.

Does he have any hobbies where he experiences the rush of feeling success or achievement following hard work? To get a sense that it feels heady to do your best and get a result to be proud of?

Have you read any of the growth mindset material?

Luckily for us, DS's success in getting himself from a C to an A / A* in one subject has given him a lesson in the nick of time.

I've got one of these too. Really irritating as he just tells me that his grades are better than the national average. DH is convinced we should just leave him alone, I'm worried that he's depressed and think he needs support.

Sounds like he's done bloody well.

Give him a break.

Let him study something he enjoys and he'll find his own motivation

Did you say he plans to do Maths? That might shock him into reality pretty fast: the Maths teachers I work with are fairly unified in their belief that anyone who got below an A at GCSE will really struggle at A Level, and those who got an A are only going to cope if their algebra skills are really strong. But really anything lower than an A* suggests hard work ahead at A Level.

I really sympathise, I have 2 like this! One is now final yr uni, having scraped thru everything g with the least effort he can get by with (retakes every summer...); he was forecast for mostly A*s at GCSE, but made no effort, and did the same thru a levels, with intermittent panicking over how badly he was doing. School maintained a view that he was mature and studious, and i couldn't bring myself to tell them he just wasn't -lovely kind boy, but no sense of the future and doing the least possible for school work..he was miserable with me telling him he MUST work, if he wanted to do the kids d of jobs that interested him, but it didn't make him work any harder (tho sometimes he begged me to force him to stick to a plan for studying).
My younger one just did GCSEs and is following similar pattern so far, and it has me stressed, but I agree with other posters, that pushing doesn't seem to work, and can make everyone miserable - I think u have to hope they'll find their 'thing'eventually, and u just have to have faith and support them

I think it's FAR more common than you'd think - it's just not boasted about celebrated on FB or on here or in RL in the same way hard workers are.
My dd has just done really badly in her ASs, despite all the support, advice, offers of help, nagging, and being left alone we could muster during Yr12. By this stage, it has to come from them. Encourage, and let them know alternative ways, but ultimately, it's them that has to do it.

maw I relate to your post.
It really isn't possible to do it for them.
Every young person is not made from the same mould and we need to try to help them find their way.Doing well at school/in education is about a mixture of talents and raw intelligence is not the most important although it is very useful.
If you can identify motivation for them that is brilliant but by far the most important thing is your DC's mental well being.
I really empathise OP as it is incredibly frustrating, we always seem to hear about kids with strings of As and A*s and look at our own DC thinking that they should be able to do the same but the truth is that some kids are blessed with good organisation/competitive spirit/excellent memories/good concentration and maturity as well as motivation and a facility for the subjects and others are missing one or more of the jigsaw pieces.
I am not an expert here but I observe that girls are a little more likely than boys to have the requisite talents at an earlier age.
They haven't failed if they don't achieve at 16-18…it's only the beginning of their adult lives.
My advice is to continue to keep DC warm, dry ,safe and fed and some will sort in the time frame and others take a bit longer and will need the world of work/different motivations.
Daily arguments will upset everyone and make no difference.
Just my thoughts!

I am pretty intelligent but didn't get the grades to match.

I was labelled as lazy but the truth is that studying is just not the way I learn best. Over the years, I have realised that I am a learn on the job type of person.

I wasn't lazy. I was actually depressed, stressed and fucking miserable. The pressure put on by the teachers didn't help.

It would have been best for me to leave at 16 and get a job instead of being expected to stay on at school.

Maybe your son is the same.

Another vote for - nothing you can do.
Sorry.

DS has to be hit with a cattle prod 200 times a day to make him work.
His mocks scared him. He decided to knuckle down. He did well.
Many of his friends did not.

In 6th form they have to decide for themselves if they are going to sink or swim
but
I agree with the high goals
Uni open days
outreach days
event days
anything to make him want what can only be had through hard work