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ds (16) wants to drop out of school

32 replies

ErnesttheBavarian · 23/07/2016 22:18

He has 2 years left, about to start the German equivalent of A Levels. Says he finds studying hard, though he is very bright but he cannot concentrate and he is bored by school.

He wants to be off, out there, travelling, running his own business. sigh. I think his fantasies and reality are so far apart. He seems to think he can do ad hoc translating work which will find his lifestyle.

He is incredibly stubborn and determined and really digs his heals in. he has always been like this. if you tell him to do something he will totally rebel. Definitely need to convince him subtly of what to do before he'll do it.

So, Tuesday, all set for the big talk. In a way, I think it might be the wake up call he needs, and a way for him to see for himself. on the other hand, what the hell will he do, where will he go, etc I feel ill at the thought of it. He has started drinking a lot. after big incident a couple of weeks ago he said he would stop drinking, but says he has been drinking because he is so bored and fed up with school.

Both dh and I would love all the dc to go to university, not just for the higher education, but also the amazing life experience. I could accept though if they said they didn't want to go to uni, but not doing A levels seems utterly disastrous. He has no plan other than doing translating work, seeing up his own business and travelling.

what do we say on Tuesday? Apart from telling him he's deluded and we won't be buying him ice creams and paying his mobile phone bill, he chooses to be an adult, then the world of paying your way beckons. Sad

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NotCitrus · 25/07/2016 11:06

What about schemes like working in a summer camp somewhere abroad, say the USA? Usually you have to pay for flights but then it's free board and lodging for a couple months, and you earn enough for a bit of travel before going home. Or being a chalet maid in a ski resort? Lots of young people around though probably have to be 18.
There are distance learning A-level courses you can do from home, which I know some teenagers in Europe are doing - might be worth considering?

Make clear that you are happy for him to live at home rent-free while he works towards his goals, but access to perks like snacks, pocket money and WiFi depends on meeting the standards any landlord would want of their lodger - no being drunk and generally helping keep the place clean and tidy.

Bobochic · 25/07/2016 10:32

These days you need a university degree to do any sort of office/desk job. Leaving school at 16 will shut the door to office work. It is hard to make money in translating and it is dull and tedious work. And requires a degree and professional qualifications most of the time.

GetAHaircutCarl · 25/07/2016 10:28

I have a few friends who have faced this OP.

The first convinced her DS to take A levels and go to university. But he dropped out after year 1. Started again elsewhere but dropped out again.

University simply wasn't for him. At least not at 18 or 19.

He's working now. Not on a particularly well paid job. But he seems happy enough.

The second friend's son left school to start a business ( which he was convinced would make him a fortune). It has done well but not nearly well enough to leave home, like his degree educated brothers.

ErnesttheBavarian · 25/07/2016 08:56

re the translation work, I totally agree and have said as much to him. I have 2 good friends who are translators, and the amount of attention to detail and care and time they have to spend is incredible. But I'm just an old lady, and mum, so what do I know? I agree also, who in their right mind would ask or trust a 16 year old to do it? Just being bilingual doesn't make you a skilled translator.

Unfortunately I don't know anyone I could ask, although I strongly agree, a more independent person would be a useful voice.

We have tried explaining costs, how travel is $$$, how, regardless of what you do in life, success = hard work.

Cloud cuckoo land , what do parents know..... going round in circles. Let's see how we get on tomorrow. Thanks for the suggestions.

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senua · 25/07/2016 08:39

Tell him to get some work experience over the summer to see if this translation idea will fly. For a start does he mean translation (written) or interpretation (oral), and what does he think this entails? Who does he think will use the services of a 16 y.o.?
I knew someone (years ago; it may have changed but I doubt it) who did translation. It involved translating hundreds of pages of technical manuals - not the sort of thing that would appeal to someone with ADD and not the sort of thing that you would trust to a youngster (and that's even assuming that he could get PII insurance).
If you employ someone as a translator/interpreter then you need someone you can rely on to ensure that the correct message gets through to the other side. That involves building up trust and relationships (like any other business) and is incompatible with flitting about travelling. He is either (a) doing solid and dependable work which involves him being solid and dependable or (b) he is doing lightweight stuff which they can probably get GoogleTranslate to do for free.
Basically, I think the translation idea is dead in the water.

He would be more suited to be a multilingual host eg do the ski season or PGL or something like that. But, again, you have responsibilities and who would trust a 16 y.o.?

I agree with OurBlanche: get him to explain how this will work because it doesn't sound feasible to me. Is there someone he respects who can come to Tuesday's meeting? - if you pose the "what-if" questions then he will think you are being obstructive/negative but if someone else does it then he might listen.

swingofthings · 25/07/2016 08:09

There is a difference between being bored with school because it doesn't suits his personality and therefore looking at other ways to 'educate' himself to prepare for the future and being bored because of not accepting making efforts and just wanting to have fun (travelling).

It is only natural to be worried and it is hard to accept that our children are becoming people of their own making their own decisions, but the reality is that indeed, there comes a time when we can't just tell them what to do and that is the end. However, there are still young, naive and vulnerable and therefore need our support and guidance. Maybe he is headstrong because you/partner are too and he feels it is the only way to fight against doing what you want him to do.

Maybe it is time to accept your son how he is and work with him to consider his future. If it was my child, I would say to them that I would support them coming out of school and looking at other options, but having fun as an alternative is in no way one of them. I would remind him that travelling is a reward, not a due. Therefore, I would tell him that I would only be prepared to support him if he came up with realistic plans about setting out for his future, ie. the message is 'I am worried about you not continuing with mainstream education, but I love you and respect you wanting to take control of your life, so will support you, however, trading school for a life of leisure is in no way an option at this stage of your life'.

ErnesttheBavarian · 24/07/2016 23:04

He was dx with ADD, when he was much younger, say aged 7ish; his 2 brothers with ADHD. His brothers take /took medication, but he never did. Always seemed to manage fine without. I mean, he achieved amazing things. But back then he was ambitious. Now he's just fed up and wants adventure.

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senua · 24/07/2016 20:48

Says he finds studying hard, though he is very bright but he cannot concentrate and he is bored by school.

Have you considered having him assessed for something like dyslexia, dyspraxia or ADHD. Is the German system set up to cope with this sort of thing?

CMOTDibbler · 24/07/2016 19:09

For a bit of balance, one of my nephews started A levels and decided he just didn't want to do them. He did have a degree in mind, and found it didn't need A levels, so he left school and worked at McDonalds for two years (and worked at night with am dram groups to build his show reel). He got into the course he wanted and has just graduated and gone straight into a really fabulous job - so it can work out.

Davros · 24/07/2016 18:59

🇩🇪 Aha!

OurBlanche · 24/07/2016 15:15

That's right Davros. The legal leaving age was raised a couple of years ago. Kids must now be in some kind of education, leading to a recognised certificate until they are 18. Including apprenticeships and on the job, proper, qualifications... like day release.

But OP is in Germany!

Davros · 24/07/2016 15:01

DD announced to me the other day that you can't leave education at 16 in the UK anymore like in my day! Not that she is planning it.
Lots of good advice here, good luck Flowers

lacebell10 · 24/07/2016 14:32

Look where he wants to travel, the rules and how is he going to finance it .... In most countries he won't be able to drive as not able to hire car, America he won't be able to drink or in UK .... will he need a locus parentis if so who will it be?

LIZS · 24/07/2016 12:26

I guess when his friends return and he is left alone his ideas may change.

LIZS · 24/07/2016 12:14

Is a vocational school/college a possibility. Is this the same Ds who wasn't happy a while back? Would living in UK for a while, taking a college based course here be an option? Does he have sufficient qualifications so far to be employed?

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/07/2016 12:07

I would be all for it but put in a proviso that for example he doesn't drink. Say he can live rent free and you will pay for his phone etc for the first month to get him going but then he needs to start earning x amount per month. Work out how much he needs to make and work out how he will make that amount

OlennasWimple · 24/07/2016 11:54

Can he set up his business alongside school work?

Or is it the travel bug that's really fueling this?

OurBlanche · 24/07/2016 11:53

So on Tuesday you sit down with a laptop and look at the travelling and work with him to make a real plan, starting with how much it will cost and what he can do to earn the necessary money... same with anything else he comes up with.

Ad hoc translating Great idea! let's look at where you can find work, advertise yourself, how much it will bring in.

Not staying on at school? OK! So how will you pay for your food, rent, bills etc? You can't live at home for free, we will subsidise your essential living costs but no cash, no phone, etc... how will you pay for those things?

Basic job? Great. let's see what is available and get some applications in,

What? You want a summer holiday? OK, how will you pay for it? You can't live at home out of school, earning nothing.

Don't get angry or impatient. Be wholly supportive, enthusiastic even... but don't let him sidestep a question... if he wants it how will he pay for it in real life?

Having taught 16 - 19 year olds for years I wish many parents had done this instead of foisting their disinterested child on me!

It really could be the making of him!

ErnesttheBavarian · 24/07/2016 11:42

I don't even know the legal ins and outs, whether he's allowed to, I assume so, which authorities if any I need to tell.

I doubt he'd go for an apprenticeship as he seems hello bent on travelling. He is in my eyes still so young and has little real world experience. He doesn't feel it, but I consider him to be very vulnerable, especially in more remote parts of the world (he has talked of Asia and South America)

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FiveFullFathoms · 24/07/2016 10:29

My brother dropped out of school at 16 as he was sick of studying and wanted to earn money. My parents said fine but he needed to get a job. He ended up working in McDonalds. He stuck it for just over a year before he decided he wanted more from his life. He went back to college and then uni. He did an MBA in the US and then came back here and got a job in the City. He always says that leaving school at 16 and getting a minimum wage job was the best thing he could have done as it showed him the reality of the workplace.

Shortandsweet20 · 24/07/2016 10:24

What age does it become non compulsory for them to be in some form of education? Could he look at apprenticeships, they can be a great way to see the world and do different things if you find the right one!

Clutteredmess · 24/07/2016 10:07

Education brings choices

Very true. Can you say that you will support him in his choices, maybe help him do a bit of research to show you are taking him seriously, look at potential earnings (immediate and projected future) and then go through a list of things that he will need to pay for (as you won't be) once he leaves school - rent, phone, transport, clothes, toiletries etc etc

This is what I did with DS last year - surprise, surprise despite my "support" for him leaving school, he finished his A levels and will be heading off to uni in September.

Just to put the other case - my ExH truanted from school from age of 14 years, left without a single qualification and is now very wealthy owning numerous properties over London & south east England - so lack of education is not a barrier to success. ExH was, however, even more exasperated than I was with DS's attitude towards education.

Gizlotsmum · 24/07/2016 07:20

I would tell him he can leave education but leaving means an end to you funding him so he needs to pay X amount rent and bills and if he wishes you to continue to feed him y amount for food. Give him a month to find something ( only funding essentials). Good luck

ErnesttheBavarian · 24/07/2016 07:16

Thanks for your ideas. I am erring towards letting him do it. The trouble is, he is so stubborn, even if he realises it was a mistake he might not be able to bring himself to admit it and return to education.

A big part of me thinks saying yes is the only way for him to choose to do it iyswim, but i am sad and scared for him. We have 2 very clear examples on both dh's and on my side of the family, where 1 sibling has worked hard and done well at school, and have gone on to have pretty fun jobs, comfortable lives and a rewarding and well off retirement. while the other sibling did badly at school, left at the first opportunity, worked in low paid menial jobs, with hard work and little security, had fewer choices in life and still having to work now in their 70's cos they can't afford not too Sad

Education brings choices.

gah!

I don't know what on earth to say or expect. I mean, if he wants to stay at home (doubt it) do we charge him rent? But we can't if he's not earning. omg. feel so pressured into getting this right, but I don't know what right is!

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Haggisfish · 23/07/2016 23:39

Look into an advanced or degree apprenticeship. Do a job and get a degree paid for you with no fees. Win win.