What benefit would private education give my DD?

sparechange, is that a GDST school? Their alumni group is amazing.

I'm quite shocked by people saying their old schools don't have active alumni groups or worthwhile 'connections'
DH and I must have been lucky, because we both have very active groups.

In mid-30s and firmly established in my career so don't pay massive attention to it, but I have mentored a couple of ex-pupils wanting to get into my industry and get invitations every 2 or 3 months to drinks and meet-ups
The alumni association has set up 10+ groups on LinkedIn for various industries (property, media/advertising/PR, STEM, banking and finance, people living in Hong Kong/US/Middle East/Australia/China) for people working in and wanting to get into those areas. They have conversations on internships, job vacancies, flat rentals, references for jobs, general advice etc and there is an undeniable degree of nepotism but that's the point...
There is also a (closed) Facebook group which has some of the above plus general news on ex-pupils, holiday rentals, flat rentals, people going to new cities requesting people to be introduced to when they get there
I thought this was common to most independent schools

It isn't the main reason to chose independent over state, but it's a very nice benefit to have...

Meant to add DH went to a famous top independent boys school he thinks the "connections" thing is a load of rubbish. He's never benefited from it.

Do you have a suitable school in mind? Not all independent schools are more academic, not all are better than state ed and importantly in your situation many don't offer stand alone bursaries, they are linked into scholarships (you've missed the boat One of these for yr 7) and these are fiercely fought over, preps very carefully prepare children for scholarships. Anywhere that has a yr 7 place now is not likely to be very selective so you'd be looking for a yr 9 place where would your DD go in the mean time? Few preps offer substantial bursaries and fees for preps that go to yr 9 are often substantial.
With regard to one in state ed. one in independent DS1 went to a state comp from yr 9 having been at a prep school since yr 1 DS2 was in independent from yr 2 till he finished school at the end of yr 13. DS1 I'm reliably informed in his most recent ed psych report, is very very bright but has "moderate" dyslexia/dyspraxia, dyscalculia, poor working memory, very severe processing problems he wouldn't have got into DS2's school and I didn't think it was worth paying for the type of independent school that would have taken him when we had an "outstanding" state school on our doorstep. We paid for lots of tutoring etc instead and supported him a lot. DS2 who's brighter with mild dyslexia and in particular he has a very high ability at math went to a super selective big name boys only boarding school from yr 9, I have no doubt he would have been bored rigid in a state school. Neither has resented the others education, both are intelligent enough and know that we love them both equally to realise that we sent them to schools that we genuinely felt would work best for them as individuals. Like you I believed from an early age that DS2 would thrive in a very academic environment, and he did.

Waah independent not indecent!

As someone else said, the connections thing is massively overstated. I also think it's nonsense that going to a private school stops you being able to get on with a wide range of people- certainly, that is not my experience.

I think the main benefit of being able to go private is choice. Beyond that, it's all down to the school in question- there are some great private schools and some which are absolutely dire. I'd think much more in terms of finding the right school, state or private.

I also think you need to think hard about the issues re sending one child to private school and one to state school. I know you say your son doesn't want to go- unfortunately that doesn't mean he won't feel it as unfair, even if only subconsciously. Tricky one.

I went to a v academic indecent school and loved it. In addition to a great education, I think it gave me the confidence to feel that I could do whatever I wanted, so long as I was willing to work for it- nothing feels out of reach. But that was down to the specific school, and I'd hope a good state school would also help its students to feel the same way. In contrast, my SIL went to a v smart but not academic girls private school in Kensington and it was awful- no expectation that anyone would achieve anything academically, doing well in exams was seen as being a bit of a joke because of course you'd marry someone who either earned lots or just had lots so why bother? Grim.

Haven't read the thread. Dd3 will go private for at least years 7 and 8 for the sport and extracurricular. Academically our local state is excellent but the sport and drama is pretty poor. I work ft and don't have time to drive to clubs etc. We've done a mixture of state and private for the other two and it's worked well.

My daughter is starting a private school in september, no one in our family have been to private school (a few went to grammer school) so I don't know much about other private schools, but the school's approach to education is totally different from the education I had, and a lot of it is practical based learning (I would have loved to go there, she's extremely lucky).

She has met all of her teachers and has made friends already who will be in her year group and can't wait to start, I have never known a child as excited to start secondary school as she is(she wants to skip the summer holidays).

However, there is another private school which has always had a fantastic reputation nearby and parents aren't happy with it as it has changed very quickly since the new headteacher has taken over. I think they are like any school and that who the head is and how they run the school, and how the staff are, is what makes a school how it is.

My daughter is at the top of the top sets at her state school. She has never had an issue with being bullied for being bright and actually finds it can help her in some mixed ability classes, as people are keen to work with her, knowing they'll get a good result too. She's had "extras" thrown at her - further maths lessons, author visits, STEM activities, college visits & soft skills/team working activity days this year alone

I went to a private school after a state school, but blended into the background. We had the choice between state & private for DD, but decided the money saved would far outweigh any perceived academic advantage of our local private schools. She's thriving, but we are lucky because we got her into a great state school out of our catchment area. It's true, the advantages are all based on your local circumstances.

Far better put than my feeble attempt bojorojo

Although my DDs were privately educated, they absolutely get along with people from a range of cultures, backgrounds and intellect. Being privately educated really does not mean that, as an adult, you are only comfortable in your own tribe, but I really do believe there are exclusive tribes at independent schools. You only have to look at Boris Johndson types to spot the tribe! Most people, however, do turn out to be normal, rounded human beings. Minor private schools are very non tribal. Boarding schools are different, and the girls do help each other. If a school does not have old girls involved, I would ask why not? Did no past pupil ever achieve anything or be able to help others with work placements or mentoring?

I have found that when my DD went to a certain university near the top of the highest percentage of private school student tables, she felt it was the state school educated pupils who refused to integrate. They chose different halls of residence, the more expensive ones, and found mixing with a range of students to be problematic, preferring to seek out people like them and not go to certain events where there were likely to be insufficient numbers of their type of student. Whatever we think we are doing as parents, for the best, you cannot completely engineer what your children will do when away from home. If my privately educated DD had refused to mix, I guess it would have been blamed on her education. So why did the other students refuse to mix with those perceived as "different" to them? Getting along with anyone is important, regardless of where they went to school. Just getting along with people you consider to less fortunate than you, is only half way there.

Do you really believe that swing? My friends are almost all quite posh and well heeled. At work I mix with a variety of people, as I do when out and about. Never had any problems dealing with builders/hairdressers/retail workers.

When dd was at the comp it was the working class girls who walked around I threes asking the other girls to have a chat and then jeering "yeh, yet posh", etc. I'm not sure how that teaches equality or niceness and I don't think it will help those girls deal with people from all aspects of life.

Re choice it only gives choice to a degree. It means people don't have to go to Lo don comps but the hierarchy of schools goes something like this:

St Pauls
LEH
WHS/Putney
Surbiton
Emmanuel

The schools get to chose based on academic ability, not vice versa.

London is a bit of a micro climate in education however.

She has never enjoyed the mix of boys and girls as she says the boys just mess around a lot, and she also finds the wide range of abilities in state education a challenge.
That reason would actually lead me to think that comp was a better choice. Unfortunately, dealing with the wide range of ability is adapting to normal life. DD has learnt to appreciate people for their different abilities, some which she doesn't have and that she could get as much reward from helping others not as fortunate as her to improve their grades then she does getting a top mark herself.

DD knows that she is lucky to be clever, but that it doesn't make her better than other people, and that's probably why she gets along with people of any age, sex, culture, background and intellect. I believe this learning is worth so much more than any additional academic learning she could have got from going to a private school.

What you get when you go private is choice.

So you can choose an academically selective school if you feel that will be a good fit. This will provide a critical mass of like ability peers.

Wouldn't send one and not the other. Terrible message which will come back to haunt you.

I wouldn't choose private school unless the private school was very good indeed or the state options were bad. Where we used to live the pupils emerged from the comprehensive smoking, snogging, tattooed... Plus they had to do compulsory GCSE PE. I would have paid to avoid that school.

My friend's dcs went to a very good London day school. She says that the major advantage it gave them was the opportunity for some really fancy holidays with their friends' parents. One dc is currently spending gap year in apartment of friend's father in New York. Results of local comp here exceed many private schools, but a holiday with friends is more likely to be in someone's parents' caravan than in Cap d'Antibes.

I went to a private school, and I have no idea what these "connections" are. My headmaster was well connected with universities etc, so when I was having issues with my university, he was able to advise me on the route to take and offered help if I had to go further. But, aside from that, I've not benefitted from any apparent connections.

However, the learning environment was substantially better than that which I experienced at the two Catholic (semi-private) schools I'd been to previously. They were awful, full of hostile students and teachers, and parents who ensured that children who were from single parents, poorer families etc. had nothing to do with their children, even when it came to sports. The education was sub-par and the schools made no effort to address each child's needs individually.

Moving to a (small) private school was the best thing I ever did. The teachers were bloody fantastic; so invested in their students, and interested in them at a personal level. The students were awesome: no bullying that I ever saw or heard of, and no "group hierarchy" in the grades. There were groups, but everyone mingled and had friends outside of their groups/grades. The discipline was fair and consistent and truly worked in getting you to pull your socks up, if that was needed (and it was for me, at first - I had developed into a model student by Grade 12). They actively encouraged extracurricular activities: sports, hobbies, groups, organising the formal/BBQs, fundraisers etc. I cannot overstate how wonderful and worthwhile it was. However, I'm aware that this isn't all private schools. Some of them are hideously awful, but I think the smaller private schools are generally quite good.

No, it's more of a self esteem thing. Her results have been slightly lower and she works harder. Predicted 2x A and 2 x A at A'Level. He got equiv of 5 A - only ever really worked hard in upper 6th.

Roses has your DD achieved less well and attributes that to her two years in state ed?

OP our ds is academically gifted, sporty, musical, at Oxford now. Where we lived there were no options for boys but there were state options for girls. DS went to one of the most selective independent schools in the country; DD to a girls comp that is considered the holy grail. We felt we sent each of them to the best possible schools for their individual characteristics. DD was very unhappy and we pulled her after two years and sent her to a private school. Only now is the deep seated resentment that she feels her brother was favoured emerging.

My honest advice - if you can't afford it for both don't. Our decision wasn't based on money - I think the resentment would be greater if it had been.

Give your daughter extras re extra curricula and tutoring but don't treat them unequally in the context of their overall education. They don't necessarily articulate their perceived injustice until much later. And for DD it was only two years but there is a lasting effect.

Are you looking at single sex or mixed independent schools? I think girls can flourish in single sex schools and do not see any subjects as the 'boys' subjects. They study what they are good at rather than being swept along in stereotypical subjects.

Independent schools are always open for business do it is not too late for September.

I think it depends a lot on your local schools, but I think that in a choice between a good local comprehensive and a good local independent, the child who will benefit most won't be the highly academic child but one who is a bit more average and gets overlooked in a bigger school.

If the comprehensive tends to send pupils each year to very competitive courses after A-levels, then she'd probably do well there.

What are your reasons that your daughter expressed for wanting to go to the private school?

DD finished Y6 top of her class (out of 105 children), we then moved town and she attended the local comp, which is ok, but overall results only just above national. As she didn’t know anyone at all when she first started, she initially felt a bit self-conscious about being teased for being clever, which indeed, she was a bit, but the kids got to know her for the whole person she is, not just her results (as much as she learnt more about them) and shortly became a well-liked kid and respected for her ability. She actually offered tutored time, approved by the teachers to some other GCSE pupils because some said that she could explains things better than some teachers.

She will attend 6th form at an independent school which promotes itself as free private school which is extremely popular and therefore very selective (somehow they are able to be so on the basis of academic results). DD best friend from primary school, who was also very academic went to the local private school as her mum was worried that the local comp wouldn’t help her flourish to the best of her ability, although by doing so, they had to make changes to their lives as they are not well off. Ironically, she has now said that she doesn’t want to stay there for 6th form and her mum also think that the independent school will be best for her, so DD and her will be together again. Her expected GCSEs results are not expected to be as high as DD. I know that private school is not just about GCSE results and she would have gained valuable experiences being there for 5 years, but it was the reason they chose private over the local comp, so not sure how they feel about the £50K or so they would have paid for those 5 years.

It's worth asking for sept entry.

We did this with ds at the end of his y3. We had a "straw that breaks the camel's back" thing happen at his primary school, phoned up the private school some boys attended that we know, looked round the empty school as they had already finished for the summer, showed some of ds's work to the head, and he started in the september!!
If your dd is bright and will be a credit to the school - and they have space - you might get lucky. Worth a shot I reckon. Good luck.

"I think the 'connections' side of it is reserved for a certain cadre of private school & (dare I say it), boys more than girls"

And dare I say it - massively overstated even then.

As PPs have said , if you are prepared / able to pay for a private school , all you can do is look at the state / private options available to you. The simple benefit looking at private schools gives you is that it gives you a wider choice of schools. Other than that it is simply 1 school v another. Private per se is not a benefit.