dd seems to be going down the drain

13/14 is a horrible age

Can you find something she could do in the summer? Drama course or art? Something yo boost her esteem. Doesn't matter what! It is a horrid age.

Seconding the drama group idea. My dd is a misfit at school to some degree and completely blossoms at drama - mainly with a lovely bunch of assorted teenagers and adults. It gives her some stability in her rocky path through school.

Dd has a learning difficulty and i sent her to drama at 10 she was struggiling with the social side of school she was also left out of parties and being asked for sleepovers so she was always busy on a Saturday iyswim so it gave her something else to focus on and not be to upset if she wasnt invited again.

I'm going to be very cheeky here and offer some unasked for advice based on my experiences!

If your daughter tells you about things that are making her upset and angry, even if they're really daft or common, don't minimise it with 'everyone goes through this' type comments. At that age and stage the last thing you need to hear is that even your own thoughts and feelings aren't unique or special. I don't know what you said about the brexit debate thing for eg, but 'That sounds really boring and frustrating' would be far more valuable to her than dismissal or teasing, however gentle and well meant.

I would have killed for a local drama group, but they were far less common than they are now. It might be hard for her to summon up the courage to join, but hopefully she will manage it and knowing she has real options outside of the school setting might also provide a boost.

And these trips should be for all or none i cant stand this names picked out of a hat nonsense when it clearly isnt your dd is missing out on opportunities i would want to know why

Dd did school shows got chorus but they let everybody in she was in a Drama group at an arts centre did ss she said proper acting would she consider something like that gets her mind on something different and raises confidence and she would make friends away from school.

Do you think fear of failure is also an issue? It's been a constant in my life, even though I'm not aware that anyone ever told me I had to succeed!

Haha, I can imagine myself saying that x a million. But it's helpful if you've identified a similarity in yourself, since it might help you to come up with solutions. Confidence building is really key imo- when you don't feel inferior, there's far less reason to try and convince yourself you're superior.

I wanted to act and it would have helped my whole psyche immensely if I'd ever been given a part in one of the school plays I forced myself to audition for. But it was assumed that I'd be too shy and quiet I think. I actually saw a teacher's comment about me at one audition- 'Very good, but quite quiet.' It's like, well why not just encourage me to speak more loudly then??? But it's easier to just give jobs that require confidence to people who already display confidence and in a school environment that is understandable. Thing is, we understand it as adults, not when we're actually going through it.

Wanting to be noticed really strikes a chord, mary21. One of the things I hated was getting no acknowledgement of the efforts I was making in any area, whether academic (well above average), sporting (well below average but I tried) or social (very shy indeed). All the attention went to the pupils who had difficulty in behaving or who were very confident and usually sporty.

It started very early in year 7- or 1st year seniors as we called it back in the day- with the Commendation scheme, where you would get points for good work, behaviour etc followed by certificates for a certain number. The pupils who weren't great at work but tried hard got them in scores, while I was just expected to produce something good and not acknowledged. In sports however, people who were good at it got them and people who were average or below didn't. I remember my mum asking worriedly why I hadn't brought any more certificates home after the initial few weeks and I didn't really know how to tell her! The same situation as primary parents have now with their children really. But it was utterly demotivating for an 11 year old to see the person next to her who wasn't very academic get two or three a day while her own, much 'better' work just gets a quick tick. At that age, you can't see the bigger picture!

Sorry, making this about me now! But wanting to be noticed might be one thing the school can help with anyway.

she sounds completely fed up and demotivated.
what subjects does she like?
would it be worth her getting a saturday job? it can be fun mixing with a different set of people but i also think it's invaluable for them to see/realise that this is their future unless they choose it not to be. What a levels can you see her doing? might be worth looking to the future - who do you know with kids at uni? someone having fun? a bit of joie de vivre. if she has a vision then she may step it up a bit.

difficult times yr8.

Does the school run any nurture groups or social skills groups.It moght just be hormones but I would take it seriously and talk to the school..also watch to see if you get your lovely dd back over the holidays

From your breif description it sounds as if she really isnt happy.Do you think she is being bullied? Or wanting to be noticed. Do you thin.k her behavour is a cry for help.
I think it might be worth talking to her form tutor or head of year.
Is therr a more suitable form group

What are her interests are there no school clubs she could get into 1 of my dds hid in lunch clubs not ideal as you want them to mix with other kids but dd felt safe in the clubs

Do you think it would be making her stand out more Rhonda if you spoke to her year head

I don't have much advice but I can offer sympathy! My DS Year 9 equivalent sounds very similar. He's gone from being cute and smiley to really tall and grumpy looking in a year. He also goes completely off the boil towards the end of the academic year, did the same last year. He's come first in everything he likes at school (gives me hope for a levels and uni) but totally bombed in the stuff he hates.

I put it down to a battle of the hormones and not fitting in with his peer group, and importantly, not making any effort to fit it! I just smother him with love and remind him about all the good things in his life. He's clever enough to know the forecast isn't that grim. We've talked about home ed but decided together it's wrong for him now. I would advise against changing schools if you can. We did this last year. Total disaster. At this age when social awkwardness hits an all time high, it can be really hard to make new friends unless it's a super special international type high turnover place.

My eldest is 23 and she still looks like she is chewing a wasp her face always looks kinda sneery

Och reading on thats sad poor girl sounds weary of the whole school thing which is a shame at her age is next year her option year ? (im not being dim i live in another country) she might make some friends in the new term different group iyswim I would still speak to her year head or pupil support to try and get to the bottom of it ignore my sanctions comment your dd sounds sad not naughty she seems to be lashing out. Fwiw it took 1 of my dds a 2years at secondary to find her tribe

Does she feel as though she has friends? Mine say they have friends, seem happy enough, but rarely meet up with them outside of school - I'm trying to accept this as their norm, I'm trying not to project my idea of how teenage friendships should be on my kids.

If your DD is actually unhappy about her lack of friends, can you speak with the head of year and her tutor before the end of term? Try and get some info about her attitude in school?

If you don't / can't move her to another school (I can't judge whether a move is warranted) then maybe a move to another form group? Is the school big enough to have 2 "halves" and could she be moved to give her the chance to meet fresh people?

Cross posted with a few I see :D