Boarding - positives please

Orange,

I do not post here nowadays as my son has now left his boarding school and is at University in his first year, However, I am minded to because I have spoken this afternoon to a friend of mine whose son went to a different school from my son but a "good" boarding school and changed for 6th form. He is now doing well and on track for the course he wants to do at a good university. This will not help your yr 11 decision but just to say that a change of schools is not the worst thing. TBH I think a post GCSE change would be easier than yr 11 (so 6th form , yr 12) , but do speak to the headmasters and staff involved. Good luck to you and wishing you well.

Oh and BTW if HM wants to be friends with "influential parents" - run. Purely a personal (non influential person) opinion . Sounds odd. "The best schools are strong enough not to be swayed by influential parents" as sendsummer says.

Orangesugarsheep best of luck to you and your DCs. Hopefully you can provide your perspective on the school if it comes up as a possible here for other posters. My impression is that even with best of new heads there is a lag time before significant changes can take place but usually a track record at previous schools can make it clearer whether a new head is effective. The best schools are strong enough not to be swayed by influential parents

Thank you for your comments - it was a new head and he came complete with all the changes he was going to make to the ethos of the school - more academic, driver to take to regional sports etc We had scholarships at 4 schools and chose this one because of his vision. Unfortunately thats where its stayed - a vision. He is more interested in being friends with the influential parents and has not changed a thing bar taking in lots of one and two term 'language' students who do nothing but disrupt the lessons.
Happy gardening - there is one adult at a time on duty - 4 is the total number. Sixth formers do most of the supervision but most can't be bothered as they have their own work to do.
I'm trying to be positive and have two interviews lined up at other schools - looking at whether we change in sept at start of year 11 or muddle through and go for sixth form. I feel awful as I spent so much time looking at schools only to be taken in by empty talk! I wish I could warn other parents

Sorry too orange to hear about your woes, I hope they are resolved satisfactorily.

However, I doubt you could find a single state v private thread on mumsnet where someone doesn't give the warning that the fact that you are paying is no guarantee that you will receive a better school or education. I'm afraid that your experience is a sad reminder of this very important fact.

orange it's disappointing to read your thread. One would hope that in 2016 with the many changes in boarding that have occurred in the last 15-20 years, including a huge shift towards caring for the whole child, regular ISI inspections and a huge increase in fees that the what your DC is experiencing wouldn't happen.
When you say only 4 staff for 85 pupils are you saying that's how many are on duty at any one time or that's how many adults are allocated to the house in total?
"Friendship groups seem to change all the time" of course all schools day or boarding state or indepenent.will have year groups where for some reason pupils don't gel together. This is less important in a day school but problematic in a boarding school. I was talking to an HM at a boarding school (not DS's) who is expectionally dedicated and runs an excellent boarding house with happy pupil and he has a year group like that, as individuals the pupils are fantastic but all together they just havent gelled. It's very difficult for him he can't make them like each other, although he's worked very hard to encourage them to get on with each other but friendship groups are like your DS's changing all the time.
With regard to academic standards these will obviously vary from boarding school to boarding school. It's inevitable that if you very carefully select the verybrightest pupils your going to have high academic standards if your completely non selective your results are going to be mixed. Boarding schools cannot turn children of average intelligence into geniuses.
In res
"We have been sold an expensive lie" I do think many independent schools are economical with the truth, they organise swish open days and have wonderful websites complete with videos of happy polished children saying how wonderful their school is with the best teachers and facilities etc. As parents we want to believe it. The most common complaint I hear from friends with DC's at other boarding schools is that they were very much given the impression by staff that their choosen school was full boarding and it turned out to be primarily a weekly boarding school. IME to get extract the correct info on this sort of thing you need to ask very specific questions. Others complain about the lack of golf course, or a specific club (usually sporting) they just assumed it was going to be there. When you visit on open days you very much shown the positives, it's so hard to get a feel for exactly what's going on. It took me four visits before I could work out what sort of school my DS's really is. We are thinking of sending to the school the most important people in our lives and at a considerable sum, yet I used to noticed over the years of visiting schools how few searching questions are asked of either staff or pupils. I'm proud to say I've never looked at bathrooms or loos but I've always asked both pupils and staff searching and even difficult questions about areas that matter to my DS and myself. I always advise parents visiting any school if something matters to you be it the number of staff allocated to a boarding house, the type of loos, the existence of a golf course, how many actually full board or the quality of the art dept then ask never assume.
orange I hope you find a better school for your DC, there is inevitablely a degree of luck involved when you make your choice. My DS2 has 4 weeks and three days of boarding school life left, I regularly thank my lucky stars that his school has turned out to be right for him and us, that what I thought it was when we visited all those years ago, in particularly our impression of his HM is exactly how it's turned out to be. But I do know that some have not everyone has had such a positive experience, this is inevitable at every school you'll find a small number both disgruntled pupils and parents.

85 in a boarding house sounds huge. 50 - 60 (10-12 per year group) is much more common.

orangesugarsheep that sounds bad. What attracted you to the school when you were choosing?

Inevitably there will be some 'bad' boarding schools which have insufficient numbers of good teachers and patchy pastoral care.
I think though that even in the 'best' boarding schools just as in the 'best' day ischools you will find dissatisfied parents because the DC has not for a variety of reasons availed themselves of the extra opportunities, perhaps avoided contact with the teachers and house staff, sometimes done too much socialising but not enough work or other activities, or worse of all just never really felt happy socially or ended up developing attention-seeking poor behaviour. The teamwork between parents and school is obviously important in these situations but sometimes just not enough for a DC to turn the corner.

Certainly, as a given, make sure you are happy with the school. I don't know whether we found good schools through our own judgement or just through luck. I do know that for the couple of the girls schools we definitely did not like, I am still happy with those judgements. The co- ed schools we didn't choose would probably have been fine - we didn't reject them because we thought they felt like unhappy places. We weren't overly hung up one way or the other on big name schools but wanted all the things that mattered to us and the children's view was important. As for the personal relationship side of things, I think that comes down to your own personal relationships. If you have confidence in each other and listen to each other and can talk to each other then it will work pretty well. You know that there is a difference coming in how often your son might want to phone you (I suspect not many sixteen year old boys want to phone their parents every day though fine if they do) and that is just a fact of growing up. I don't really think the balance of caring yet backing off enough to give them space to grow is actually that different just because they are boarding but boarding does provide a framework for those later teen years which can be quite handy. If we lived somewhere else of we might not have opted for boarding and I think that would have worked out fine as well. One thing I do appreciate is that it reminds me not to take their presence for granted. Good luck with it and hope it works out for you.

Although I do think an element of luck is needed to find a match of the right school for your child. I also think that good research is needed and a understanding of your childs needs.

Going to private school is not only about getting top grades. It's also about building confidence and learning to get on with others.

Some private schools are just academic some are not. Some are very nurturing some are not. Like all schools bullying does occur. I have found especially in my DD school even the smallest amount of bullying or ostracization is severely dealt with. That being said there is still a bit of low level bitching. You have to remember not everyone is going to be your BBF. Yet you will always find that small clique that are. The others range from close friends to just acquaintances.

I do know of some schools that are as dire as orange has mentioned. I also have a friend in the same boat.

No teaching , No pastoral care and No activities.

These schools are not the norm amongst private schools.

I would suggest that with a little research and understanding of your childs needs. The school should not fulfill your needs and expectations. The school should be right for your child to fulfil their needs and expectations.

Unfortunately everyone Kitkat is right with regards to some schools - we are desperately trying to get our dc out of boarding school now half way through GCSE course as the school is not improving. Virtually no supervision - when you visit you are hard pressed most of the time to find an adult. There are about 85 in the house with 4 staff so they very much have brought themselves up - I have watched it happening. My dc is only still there because I thought I was over-reacting and it was the best education I could give them - friendships seem to change every week so no real closeness amongst the children. Academic standards not great - I could go on and on. You are all obviously lucky with your schools - we were sold a massive expensive lie.

Well, you've clearly made up your mind. Good luck to you.

Has anyone said that they or their children are on their "best behaviour" when they're together?
I am not my DS2's best friend I am his mother, this means I care about his smallest worry celebrate his smallest "yay", he know without any doubt that I love him unconditionally and am there for him, if he want advise, or help and support, someone to bounce ideas off, encouragement with his plans, someone to moan at, someone to talk about his fears or dreams, or someone to walk the dogs with and play backgammon (badly) with. If he has a problem he knows that I will do everything in my power to help him overcome it and he also knows that I won't always be able to help as I can't work miracles but I am still there for him. My DS know I'm not perfect at times we argue and squabble and sometimes I'm in the wrong sometimes he is because we are humans. But we still love each other deeply.
Your right kitkat children are adaptable, but adaptation is not necessarily negative. Yes some resign themselves to boarding in the way that some resign themselves to being in a day school, as you say they adapt to protect themselves. But other adapt to boarding/communal living to enable themselves to thrive because they love all it has to offer, I suspect this is why katemiddletonsothermum's DD now wants to full board. I've seen this a lot over the years day children changing over to full boarding despite some living within walking distance of the school gate because they want the life that their boarding friends have.
Your right children's needs haven't changed but boarding schools have, the happiness of the children is at the heart of most boarding schools, most parents seek good results but also place a lot of emphasis on pastoral care they expect their child to be cared for, and for their child's emotional wellbeing to be very important to a school. Schools know this, they aren't just paying lip service to pastoral care because they know if they do parents will vote with their feet. I never cease to be amazed by the caring dedication demonstrated by DS2's HM, and others I've worked with, DS2's really cares about the boys in his house, and most importantly they know this.
As has already been said this subject has been done to death on here and like others with your views I suspect that whatever anyone says you'll carry on believing that boarding is completely wrong and that as Indrid you'll also carry on believing we do not understand our individual children so are simply deluded or alternatively we're lying.

A relationship with parents where both parties are on 'best behaviour' is not really a healthy parent/child bond.When I was a t boarding school, I wasn't really unhappy.Children are very adaptable and you just kind of become resigned to it and adapt to protect yourself.I remember when I was a child, people would say how different boarding is compared to how it usedto be, but the truth is that children and their needs are the same now as they have always been.
I read on a fresher's FB status 'Until you leave home you don't realise your parents are your best friends ' they care about your smallest worry, and celebrate your smallest 'yay!'

OP, boarding one day a week is a bit different to boarding 7 days a week and not seeing him for the 5 weeks between the May half term and the end of the summer term when there is no leave weekend in the middle.

My DD started off as a weekly boarder and then became a full boarder which was stunningly hard. Be careful what you wish for!

This is what friends who boarded told me were the benefits. Lifelong friendships, they appreciated their homes more, had good relationships with parents and siblings because they had a lot more time apart, so were pleased to see each other.

Teenage boys are repelled by their parents? Really? I have 2 teenage boys and one girl and never come across that!

What I said was they are programmed to be repelled (in the scientific sense, as in magnetic attraction and repulsion). Every study of adolescence has shown this, starting with that writer from Ancient Greece who complains about how ghastly young people are, that people like to trot out from time to time. If you have three teens and none of them have ever exhibited Kevinish adolescent stroppy behaviour then they must be highly unusual.

No one here has ever denied that some people have suffered terrible consequences from a bad experience at boarding school, but that does not mean that everyone does, and it does not mean that young people cannot suffer terrible consequences from bad experiences in any number of other situations.

Simply stating that the pro boarding comments are laughable, implying that all of us whose have happy and fulfilled boarding offspring are lying or deluded, just does not do as an argument I'm afraid, but then you don't seem to value real evidence much to prove a case, as the lack of any to back up your own point indicates.

I can't be bothered with this any more as its been done so often before. I've had a hard day in the garden and am now going to sit down with the and so kindly presented by happygardening!

I'm sure mishaps that bitching and bullying goes on in boarding schools although in my own experience boarding schools come down very hard on bullying. But it also goes on in day schools in both sectors.

Don't know what it is like for boys, but my DD weekly boarded for a couple of terms and there was non-stop bitchery and bullying.

Please link in to the research to back up your point of view I would be very interested to see it. Perhaps even more interestingly you could share you findings from your dissertation please include your methodology. In particular I'd like to know how many boarders ex boarders you spoke too, how you selected them and how many are actually in boarding now.
Are you saying that my experiences as a professional who regular
works with boarders has no validity? I too could write a dissertation on my experiences which I suspect would come to a different conclusion to yours.
I guess I can only speak for my teenage DS he has never be repelled by his parents. We do not have a "Disney" relationship. I work with children who are educated in both sectors many very sadly have very dysfunctional relationships with their parents, some of these children board but it's not boarding that causes this. Over the years many health care professionals who've come into contact with my DS (for other reasons) not only comment on the strength of his relationship with his parents (often because they have preconceptions about boarding) but also on what a well adjusted individual he is are you saying they too are wrong? Thirdly parents of day children often comment on envious they are about the relationship DS2 has with us his parents, even other children have commented. This is not a "Disney" relationship but a loving well adjusted parent child relationship.
Why do you assume that as parents we can't make correct judgements about our relationships with our children and how boarding is effecting them?
I accept kitkat that you were unhappy boarding (many years ago I guess) and as I said above I can find children today who are unhappy hoarding but I could also show you 100's of children boarding in 2016 who are exceedingly happy and thriving and have normal well adjusted relationships with their parents . I could also very sadly show you children in day schools (in both sectors) who are exceedingly unhappy they self harm have eating disorders abuse substances and attempt suicide and often they broken relationships with their parents but I don't go around saying that being at a day school is harnful.

There is heaps of research to back up my POV. The pro boarding comments on here are laughable
Let bs deal with tricky stage of parenting. Boarders have a better relationship with parents (Disney mum and dad ?)that is like the comparison of holidaying in a country to living and working there. Teenage boys are repelled by their parents? Really? I have 2 teenage boys and one girl and never come across that!
O was a boarder myself from 11 and have done a dissertation on this very topic

"Anti boarding sharks who like to come along and bite chunks out of nervous parents."
Indrid that truly fantastic I take my hat off to you you win the MN prize a bar of for descriptive writing.

lonecat that's an interesting point. After four weeks of intensive revision alone at home over the Easter holidays DS was saying it's easier to work at school. Not because they're supervised or because they're all sitting round together revising he said it because there's an "we're all in it together" ethos that encourages you to get on with it.
I've read a few times on various school websites in both sectors that data shows that results are better for boarders.

Teenage boys are programmed to be repelled by their parents, no matter how close they are to them, and living with them can be extremely quite bumpy at times.

Your son may be adorable now parsley but he is going to change soooo much over the next two years you just won't believe it (he will still be smashing, of course) and he will begin moving away from you at this age anyway, and is going to want to spend much more time with his friends than with you.

Boarding school can deal with this stage admirably. He is surrounded by friends, he has caring and sensible adults to talk to about stuff but who won't say stupid things, and won't 'keep going on at him' and who won't incinerate him with embarrassment by trying to be friendly with his friends, he will have any number of cool role models in the older boys - whether they are first team rugby players, comic actors or super geeks. As for GCSE time, it just worked brilliantly.

You will miss him like mad, (although you are used to him boarding anyway) but when he comes back the first thing he will say is 'It's just so great to be back home' and will be happy to revert back to snuggling up with you to watch DVDs and catch up on the gossip.

Ignore kitkats comments, she obviously has no direct knowledge and is just one of the anti-boarding sharks who like to come on and bite chunks out of nervous parents whenever they sniff a wibble or a waver. Real closeness has nothing to do with physical proximity.

The benefit of independence has been noted. The real difference I notice between myself aged 12 at boarding school and my DD who us at day school is the academic independence I had. I started boarding at 9 for a variety of reasons by 12 I just cracked on with my prep/homework there was no one to make a fuss to. Despite the fact that I am a rigid 'it is your homework not mine' my DD will create a tremendous fuss before getting on with her homework it drive me crackers. I intend to do State boarding for sixth form partly due to option available to us and partly to foster some independence.

Dozer you and others are of course very much entitled to have opinions as are those who believe in boarding. But when people who are anti boarding come out with comment like the one kitkat makes which clearly are not based on any knowledge, experience or understanding of the way boarders live in 2016 it's more than unhelpful. For those of you who are anti boarding you would strengthen you argument by basing you views on real facts rather than knee jerk uniformed prejudices. Parents with children at boarding schools know from direct personal experience that comments like the one kitkat is making are simply incorrect. No one on here with direct current experience will deny that some children struggle with boarding but after 11 years of having a DC in a boarding school, the fact most of our friends DC's board and I have professional experience of working with boarders means that I have met countless children who board the vast majority are happy and thriving and are happy well adjusted individuals who at the very least have as strong a relationship with their parents as day pupils and in many cases they have stronger relationships with them. This may not be how you would want to bring up your children, you may be unconfirtable witht this way of parenting and you may feel that your children would not be happy but you cannot then jump to conclusions and assume that this will apply to all parents and children.
Secondly I have never understood the need to add these type of comments to specific threads, I'm not commenting on another thread started a parent having a wobble about sending her DC to a state school because it would be inappropriate. If the thread had been titled the pros and cons of boarding then fair enough but it's clear that the OP has made her decision she like many parents is aware that although the knows her DS is most likely going to have an amazing time she is going to miss him and is therefore seeking reassurance. This is perfectly natural most parents sending their DC's to a boarding school for the first time will feel like this.