DD want to board - help! I don't know where to start!

Newlife is right some can know exactly what they ant at this age, my DS decided he wanted to board at 7, I was anti boarding up until then.
I accept that boarding can damage relationships with parents but I know from my work that plenty of day children sadly have very damaged relationships with their parents.
Are boarding children spending most of their time with people who don't love them?f Over the years Ive been stunned by how dedicated and caring staff are. My DS believes that his HM really cares about him, and I've heard his HM tell him that he really cares about what him, he also knows that my DH I love him and that we're always there if he needs us, I don't see that boarding has taken a toll on him in fact the complete opposite, I see a well adjusted caring empathetic teenager, his other boarding friends are the same, of course some aren't but this is just like you'd find in any day school.

"Im afraid that SEN is one are where the state sector triumphs over the independent - although that isn't saying much"
How right you are my head ached from banging it against a wall stuffed with couldn't care less teachers in both sectors. Very occasionally you'd get the exception that proved the rule but most had either not bothered to read DS1's ed. psych report or if they had refused or perhaps more realistically couldn't be bothered to take it's very simple recommendations on board. Of course they then endlessly moaned about how he underperformed and blamed him!
Most children at boarding schools do well, I believe research shows they perform better at boarding schools than they would have done if they'd been day pupils although obviously I cant comment on the thoroughness of that research. A child at boarding school gets swept along in the general ethos of high expectations, work hard and do well. Teachers are more readily available, many schools run subject clinic in the evening and weekends as pupils get close to exams, older pupils help younger ones as do matrons etc, most schools have set prep times, often supervised by older pupils/staff.Boarding houses have tutors who come in once a week so if your lucky a math one will be there on Tuesday or a chemistry one on Thursday so if your stuck or don't understand your teacher a different one might make things clearer. Its easier to sit down and do prep if everyone else is doing it, if you cant remember what Mr S told you to do for your history prep your best friend probably can or you can email him and get a reply that night.
When you add all of this up its not surprising that results are good and that children who may not be very academic do better than they were expected to do.
But on the other hand you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink, children aren't as supervised as they could be at home, they are not on a one to one, its easy to "hide" in a boarding school staff will try to get a pupil to work hard but might give up quicker than a parent. HM's are usually looking after 60 pupils older pupils are often unsupervised doing their prep some may not be working but doing other things, schools don't turn the internet off at prep time! Some boarding schools spoon feed more than others (DS2's doesn't spoon feed at all). For the "helicopter parent" boarding could be very stressful you cannot change the system if you don't like it, boarding is about what works for the majority it has to be otherwise there will be anarchy, you cannot have an individualised approach to 60 odd pupils HM's are very busy people and they unlike parents have to think about the whole house and what is right for the majority. Your child is obviously a priority for you but they cant make one child more important than all the 59 others. IMO if boarding is going to work you your gong to have to give up control of their lives, you have to believe in your chosen school and trust the staff, no where is perfect, as I said before there will be good ok and rubbish teachers, some will be extra ordinarily dedicated some wont, there will be times when the school annoys you or makes decisions that you dont agree with, but your just going to have to accept this, your also going to have to accept that your DC will have times when they make the wrong decision, fail to do their prep or do poorly in an exam because they couldn't be bothered to revise and you will have to let them get on with it and hope that they learn from this. You cannot be phoning/emailing/skyping/whatsapping them everyday or endlessly emailing the HM.
Boarding isn't guaranteed to produce better exam results/entry into top universities, happy children or a more rounded individual. some hate it and are thoroughly miserable, some parents hate the fact that they are not a large part of their children's lives, some simple dont get what they believe they are paying a very substantial amount for and feel angry about this. In every boarding school you'll find disillusioned parents, I think the pastoral care at DS2's school is excellent a mother I met the other month thought it was at best mediocre, we've had different experiences. I like our HM I know another mum who doesn't. I suspect that there's more inconsistencies at a boarding school because what you experience is more dependent on the personality of the member of staff your dealing with if that makes sense? I am happy to take the rough with the smooth, accept the good and the not so good, other parents feels for 36k+ it should be almost perfect all the time.
Boarding is definitely not like having your DC at a day school and its definitely not for all.

So my DH has urged me to come on and share my thoughts. The list we are looking at for our DD is (roughly) one hour drive time from Hyde Park Corner or 50 miles from Henley area so that I/ we can be there for any exeats or to cheer on any netball match/ recital she is in (likely to be rare!). And looking at a range of academic levels 'cos not sure where she'll be yet. So for 11+ that means
*!Wycombe Abbey (very impressive results, no joy in the girls, basically an alternative to a London day and the girls hop on the train whenever they can)

• Cheltenham Ladies (liked it a lot, very competitive atmosphere, they market a lot is Asia and are/ have opened their own branch in China so lots of overseas, would suit a forward, outgoing girl)
• St Mary's Ascot (love it: small, very Northern European, Catholic with a big C in the best way which is fine for us, amazingly kind and nurturing, doesn't have all the facilities some of the bigger ones do, actually suits a huge range of girls despite size)
• Benendon (love, love love it, facilities amazing especially science, like the way they teach convergence subjects such as politics coming into geography lessons, the co-curricular, the extra curricular and the pastoral care are top notch, love the diploma for the 11-13 year olds, massive pain for us to get to but it is a proper closed boarding school so it's only us impacted at most weekends)
• Downe House (competitive, outgoing, quite pushy, bit stuck in the middle ground)
• St Swithun's (good, excellent results, socially quite "in", happy girls, linked up with Winchester, looks like a municipal library !)
• Woldingham (loads of space, huge range of options from boarding every which way to day and can even be day girl and live in Pimlico/ Belgravia and change your mind, amazing drama and music programs, Catholic but doesn't feel as defining as St Mary's)
• Heathfield
• Tudor Hall

Of course there are loads of others but you have to draw the line somewhere. I haven't looked at Rodean mainly because of the rumour that it may turn state. Frankly they are all good schools, it's about deciding which will most suit your DD and where she will flourish, sufficiently stretched but supported. We are early in the process but have decided to register at 2 right now: St Mary's Ascot and Benendon. They are the two that stand out with no substantive concerns and the in take is relatively wide ranging for their excellent results so suit out DD wherever she is on the testing. St Mary's has an intake bias for early registration, Catholics and siblings and Benendon is getting massively popular as their results are getting so good.

We will start looking at the 13+ co-eds (Wellington, Bradfield, St Edwards, Marlborough, Stowe and Bedales on our list) but will have to find somewhere else for her for 2 years for most of these don't have their own prep.

Happy to tell you more of our impressions for any of the ones we've seen. They are all among the best schools in the world so any negative impressions are just my own feelings or down to how it came across on the day. I'll be seeing most at least twice before I take our DD to see a small number so may change our view. Also our prep school is amazing at guiding the parents and know the girls well.

I think they can know exactly what they want at this age, my dd is also a prime example.
Some just know what they want to do and what they need to get there.
Despite us saying she had to wait until she was 14, she was prepared at 11 and ready for audition.
She knew at 2.5 she was going to be a musician, some children are like this.
Her brothers at 24 and 21 are still not sure where they are going in life.
They are all different and if you have one who is determined and adamant they want to do a particular thing, I think we should listen.

Your DD is how old? 7? Year 3 is very little. She may feel quite differently about boarding by the time she is 11. So bear that in mind. She can't possibly know what it would mean now to be away from home -at her age being 11 is like thinking of being 30, it is years away.
I will go against the grain here and say that I really wouldn't rush to sent her away- I think my time boarding damaged my relationship with my parents, in particular my mother, in a way that was impossible to mend. And in ways that I wasn't really aware of until I had my own dds. I wonder whether addressing your anxiety over her might be more productive than boarding school for both of you? Schools have changed since my day, and I think for older children of a certain personality they might be fun, but there is no doubt that spending most of your time with people who don't love you takes its toll on younger children. 11 is too young to board IMO.

dad I hear you.

StrictlyRioja I agree that it feels like rolling dice, however the collective wisdom of these 100+ posts and that you initiated them would suggest that you will make a good decision for your daughter.

If for no other reason than spending a term in France at Downe House, your daughter will learn that you should drink from Burgandy and Bordeaux and not Rioja. She will be fine.

I ought to add DS1 has dyslexia and a very significant processing problem I've never found any teacher in either sector (how ever small the class is and however much you pay) who has ever even attempted to tailor their teaching style/method in any way to fit his very clearly and well documented needs despite being told to by the LEA and the schools learning support dept..

TBH I've absolutely no idea if my DS's "strengths and weaknesses" are assessed and then teaching planned accordingly and Winchester has very small classes 12 -14 is the norm, max is 18 and this is very rare and single figures common. Anyway my gut feeling is that its not happening and frankly until you mentioned it I've never given it a thought. I also don't expect it to happen. But I do expect him to accept that there are different teaching styles, some he'll like some he wont and he has to get on with it and try and do as well in the cases where he doest find the teaching style to his taste as he does in the ones where he enjoys the teaching style. When he's at university he's going to have to do this.

StrictlyRioja.please don't think I am negative about Downe House it's just that it doesn't have the same architectural charisma as CLC nor does it have a strong brand / sense of educating female leaders / planted it's flag in the world, however it is clearly a first rate school for academic / pastoral and non-academic pursuits.

I remember feeling that the girls were very happy and confident. I also remember that they were mainly English without the usual 20% Asian 10% African, which could be good or bad depending on your POV

I really liked the term that all girls have in the schools place in France. It might just be marketing, but it is good marketing.

Regards Benenden, my wife is away riding this weekend with our daughter so I don't have a report. She was very enthusiastic about the school. More than anything else she wants our DD to be happy so I suspect the pastoral side looks good. I am going in a few weeks.

"I'm assuming the learning and teaching is pretty much individualised to bring out the best of each child's potential".
Of course its not no school can possibly offer individualised learning and teaching unless you've only got 2-3 in each class.
As at alll schools (in both sectors) there will be a mixture of inspiring, amazing, good, ok, and frankly at best mediocre teachers, your DD will have to learn to make the best of it, as she will in her adult life where she will work with inspiring amazing good ok and frankly the mediocre.

My dd is at Malvern St James as a day student but it's also a boarding school and I cannot fault it. She has really taken off in all areas since she joined and I would recommend it to anyone. It's not a hot-house but gets good results from all the girls. And there is emphasis on everything so that the children get lots of experiences. My experience of the boarding staff is that they are very nurturing and kind.

I would have thought it was easier to keep up music to a very high level rather than dance? (I'm no expert) Most boarding schools hold regular concerts etc the few I've attended at DS's school the standard of playing has been extraordinarily high, music depts at most of the boarding schools I'm familiar with are very large and thriving and also maybe they find it easier to get top level teachers for instruments than for ballet?
I did attend a ballet performance last year at a coed school, as I said I'm no expert but although enjoyable and I know the pupils had lessons 2-3 times a week in a purpose built ballet studio it wasn't exactly the Royal Ballet.

I think Abbots Bromley School would tick many of your boxes. (Academics, music, ballet, faith school) I'm considering it for 6th form for dd. (She's currently stands specialist dance school)

It's very very hard in most boarding schools to keep up music & dance, especially dance, at a high level.