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Original poster

Do we choose a school that's right for DC or one that's right for the whole family?

80 replies

mckenzie · 21/02/2016 15:39

DD has been offered places at two schools, both of which are good and suitable and so that's great.
Problem is, DD favours one school but DH and I favour the other.
The school that DD favours is a longer school day, a longer school week and is further to travel. We think it will have a negative impact on family life and eventually therefore on the family itself.

Does DD get the final say? She is adamant that she is making the right choice for her.

OP posts:
LIZS · 21/02/2016 16:22

So basically it is flexi boarding. She soon won't want to do that trip daily and presumably will have few local friends. Also you may find that she is very tired when she is home. Personally I'd rule it out unless she can weekly board although an hour or so each way isn't unusual travel time at secondary.

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:18

Blueemerald, thank you. I'd read somewhere recently that girls at university who'd attended an all girls schools spent the first year studying the boys rather than their chosen subjects.

OP posts:
Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:16

Neither school would she be able to get to on public transport unfortunately.
It's either a lift to the bus stop and school bus (DDs favourite school) or a lift all the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:14

Lizs, there is only one bus back; it leaves school at 6.30 after prep, supper, an activity etc.
We would be able to collect her earlier once or twice a week perhaps although it's one heck of a round trip and I think she'd want to stay one night too. It is primarily a boarding school with a quota of day pupils.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 21/02/2016 16:13

Can't she get a non-school bus?

blueemerald · 21/02/2016 16:13

Having gone to a mixed school with a girls' school and a boys' school very nearby I would say that the girls at my school were (on average) a lot less starry eyed about the idea of boys. Seeing them day in and day out really takes away the novelty, whereas there were groups of girls from the girls' school outside our and the boys' school's gates most days.
My friends and I mostly dated boys from the boys' school.

Floggingmolly · 21/02/2016 16:12

How long do you actually anticipate dropping / collecting her? It's not that usual at secondary, unless you live really rurally and don't have access to public transport.
If she's happy with the journey it shouldn't impact on anyone but herself.

Ragwort · 21/02/2016 16:11

As children become teenagers their interest in 'family life' is not the same as your's (not always but in many cases) - there is very little that our teenage DS wants to do with us as a 'family' - to be honest if he showed a preference in which school he wanted to attend I would be absolutely delighted.

LIZS · 21/02/2016 16:09

If it is a longer day can she still get the minibus back? I do a 5 minute drive to pick up point then it's a 10-15 min minibus ride for them but the later return buses don't drop off there so I have to fetch them if they stay after school hours. There is also a direct public bus which they use now they are older to avoid me going but guess that is not an option for you, Do you have other dc to consider and might you be prepared to move nearer longer term? Do you work and might therefore struggle to meet her?

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:08

Thank you for all the replies.
I'm concerned that DD is rather too interested in the boys Smile

OP posts:
AveEldon · 21/02/2016 16:08

Is there no public transport option for your preferred school?
Why is there such a difference in the length of school day/week?

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:07

I think, and so does DH, that DD will get on well at either school.
Her favoured school requires us to take and collect her on Saturdays as there are no school buses.
We can do the logistics of her choice of school if necessary but I guess, selfishness does come into it Trojan; we think we are going to lose her to the school. She will be either there or on their bus for 12 and a half hours every week day and then back there on Saturdays.
Our family life will be school holidays only won't it?
DS is at a state school so doesn't have the long holidays. He is desperate for DD to follow him there.

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 21/02/2016 16:04

I think not wanting to be in a single sex environment is a good enough reason to choose one school over the other - other things being equal.

My dd (choosing age 13) picked one school over the other for similar reasons. and I felt it was a valid criterion.

I don't know how the longer school day will impact family life though? Is it that you want to spend more time with your dd or that dinner would be later or what?

hownottofuckup · 21/02/2016 16:01

She will have to go for 5 years (7 possibly if 6th form is included?) You should let her choose.

Balletgirlmum · 21/02/2016 16:01

Some girls find a single sex environment too cliquey/catty. My dd gets on better with boys.

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:01

I posted my reply before seeing the others so will reply again now

OP posts:
BackforGood · 21/02/2016 16:01

Like 7seconds I would expect to have the final say if there were good reasons why one school was better than the other, but I don't think the reasons you've given are strong reasons for not choosing a school.
A dc moving to secondary - and then becoming a teen and all that involves does mean the arrangements will change from when you have only Primary age dc, whichever you choose.

LIZS · 21/02/2016 16:00

If she's 11 you get the deciding vote but agree, why get her hopes up if it were logistically do much more tricky. Dd sat 2 schools, pretty equidistant from home and similar standard, but she went to the one her brother was already at as so much easier all round. Worked out well but still have what ifs, most of her peer group went to the other at 11 and 13.

Balletgirlmum · 21/02/2016 15:59

Like Newlife dds choice of school impacted massively on the family even down to dh changing jobs so she could physically get there. But she loves it there even though she had the option of another excellent academic school.

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 15:58

AveEldon, that's a very good point Smile.
We were guided by her current school and I think would now admit that we felt a little pressure.

The school DD favours requires a 5 minute lift to the bus stop followed by a 45 minute school mini bus journey (in the opposite direction of the main traffic flow)
The school we favour requires us to take and collect (15/20 mins) although we will be able to share with other mums whose daughters either already go there or are going there next academic year.

The school she favours is mixed and that is really important to her, she says because she has been at a girls primary school.
She cites facilities, staff and the whole package as her reasons when we ask but has been heard to tell others that it's the boys too who feature highly.

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 21/02/2016 15:58

I think the dc should get a say.

How will she be travelling? Because if it's independently of you and DH I do think you are BU. But if she would need to be taken to and from school and it would impact on your ability to get to work on time, meet any other dc's needs, etc, then you have a good point.

Balletgirlmum · 21/02/2016 15:57

I'd choose the school that's right for the child unless it impacted too negatively on another child (eg it meant that other child couldn't attend a good school or had to give up activities they excel at)

I'd over-rule the child if I had concerns they were only choosing the school for superficial reasons eg. Food on open day, best friend is going rather than educational reasons like Sen provision, specialises in an area they are interested in

NewLife4Me · 21/02/2016 15:55

I think it depends on whether you are in a position to offer her the choice she wants.
If you are, then it is up to her.
My dd choice had a huge impact on our family and completely changed the way we do things entirely.
Had we not been in the position to make these changes then she would have had to go elsewhere.

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2016 15:54

What are her reasons for liking that particular school?

Do you have other children?

TrojanWhore · 21/02/2016 15:54

You come across as very selfish, OP, though probably unintentially.

You want your DD to go to a school she doesn't like so much because of your view of what family life should be like.

She worked hard, ai assume, to get the offer for the school she really wants. And you're going to take that from her?