State boarding, or similar/language immersion/mildly alternative?

You'd think that, wouldn't you, re permission, but DB says it is school rules and DN says it is up to the school council.

DN is pretty anxious and the journey to my mum is 2 hours, cross London, 1 1/2 further hours. The same to us (and I have two small children and can't get to that part of the country) except the second leg is 3 hours to us. My DM could just about do a practice run but I don't think it's the journey itself which she has done accompanied already. She is being verbally abused at the school. She is going back next term but they have no money to keep her there. She doesn't get to see any other family members during term, unlike many of the other pupils. There is little point in her "settling in" I don't feel.

It might not be a bad idea - my DM is finding the school very bad at answering questions about things like "can DN take more than a weekend away from school and can someone accompany her on the train" and my DB won't speak to her about that kind of thing anyway, and just insists DN can travel on the train on her own.

She's 12 and some airlines will let them fly unaccompanied but she is afraid of doing that, and also of travelling by train unaccompanied (meaning it's really difficult for her to see my DM at weekends). It's a four hour drive from my DM to her (though they can meet in London, but that also involves a train journey alone) and a further 2-3 hours to us so we cannot see her unless she has more than a weekend off; currently we are unclear whether the school (i.e. the other pupils) can give permission for this or whether the school requires parental permission.

I do phone, I can't Skype at the moment (nobody will lend her their tablet any more but DM is thinking of getting her one of her own), and I do send little gifts and she seems to appreciate those. She has an email address but I'm not sure she can use that either for the same reason as the Skype thing. She phoned me yesterday and sounded quite resigned about the fact that she wasn't massively happy but my DB had made this decision and that it was not apparently all about children making decisions, but about children making them unless the parents disagreed. She also told my DM that my DB has been saying "don't speak to me like that" (to DN) and my DM has told me one fairly shocking fact about DB's treatment of DN when preschool age. I also worry about things like the internet access at the school and the fact that they have no policy on pupils bullying or being verbally abusive to each other or on the certificates of films that pupils can watch.

This is just a vent really as I cannot do anything about any of this!

Sigh. DB refuses to let DN look at the school on the grounds, as far as I can work out, that my DM likes it, that you have to fill in an application form and that they mention God on their website.

DN still doesn't think she really needs or deserves friends or needs looking after. She's staying next term and DB insists he can afford to keep her there. At least I can write to her and send her things/phone her if she's there.

There's a history of other stuff with DB and I kind of feel like since it's a bit easier to contact DN independently I might as well just go NC with him, it might save me from his rants too. I'm not sure either I or DM being in contact with him is helping her at all.

DN continues to be fairly miserable. I am semi seriously considering whether reporting verbal abuse by pupils that is unchecked by staff, to the LA, might be a possible move. She is however also still convinced that no other school could suit her and sadly that she cannot have friends and that she doesn't need looking after.

My DM who, thankfully, DN is still very keen to see regularly, is arranging with the school local to her for a visit but still needs to get permission from either school or my DB to release DN early (DN wants to go but the pupil led ethos doesn't extend to this). DN's flight home leaves the day after the end of term and DB assumed school would take DN to the airport and she'd fly home alone, but she's terrified of this so DM is flying with her but is seriously contemplating flying straight back given how underwhelmed she is with my DB's attitude.

I have also suggested to my DM that she ask who, for example, would rescue DN should she lose her passport at the airport or miss her flight, or need to go to hospital, as they don't seem to have a system of in-country responsible adults and my DM feels that if she is informally expected to run and help she should also be formally allowed to take DN for a visit.

I'm just trying to morally support DN and send her care packages. The food is apparently mainly Smart Price so she buys sweets with her pocket money so not those, but any other ideas gratefully received.

Me again. DN is not quite as desperately unhappy as she was but that would be hard. She had a weekend at my DM's and I think someone (school? My DB?) has asked her if she'll stay another term and she's said Absolutely No Way. I spoke to her and she seemed quite low and trying not to cry. I keep meaning to send her a care package but I can't think what to put in it!

She seems to have about 1 lesson a day timetabled but, surprisingly, to be going to all of them (i.e. she mentions that a lesson she is poor at is on the timetable, but only once a week).

My DM has a friend whose DS went to the Quaker school mentioned above, and has chatted to her, and DM has mentioned in passing to DN that there do exist schools that will be nice and care for her and not let the other pupils swear. DM has been to have a look herself, and is hoping to take DN to look. DB has said he doesn't want DN to come to DM's before the end of term and has booked her flight (my long suffering DM has agreed to fly with her) immediately after term ends and says DN will "enjoy the end of term parties" but DM does not want DN packing up her stuff (including some of DM's stuff because DB - you'll faint in surprise - didn't send DN with everything on her kit list).

With me so far? So my DF has agreed to go and pick up DN but can only go a few days before the end of term, so I have told DM to say "this is what's happening and why", and just repeat and not justify, and to tell DN about 2 days before visiting the school and DB one day before.

I dislike the idea of going behind DB's back to see another school but he will never say yes - though SIL and DN may say yes if DN likes it.

DB's idea is now to home school DN using online worksheets, which they tried before and admitted did not succeed.

The other question is over a supposed entrance exam to the Quaker school. Not surprisingly DN is very exam phobic. She's also not a high achiever, but I wondered if it was more of a setting test. Not sure if anyone knows? I'm also a bit dubious of whether DM could arrange this to happen - she is DN's guardian in the UK for school purposes, and it wouldn't actually occur to DB that he'd need to give permission, but I'm not sure how the school would feel.

DM has also had various other ideas re DN's education which were all rejected e.g. a relative has a flat for rent, why doesn't she help DB and SIL with the rent. It doesn't really help matters though.

My phone has just beeped to remind me to buy DB a birthday card.

WIBU to write just what I think of him, in the card?

Oh my goodness. Just wanted a bit of a vent. My poor, poor DN. As predicted now she is there it is totally not the school for a sensitive DC. She is particularly bothered by rampant swearing and the teachers saying "we can't tell them not to, they can do what they like". She is so, so unhappy.

I have her contact details but I am leaving her for a little bit because I am not sure having even more "home" contact is going to help her (she has been calling/Skyping my DM who is of course massively sympathetic and has only said "I told you so" to my DB and SIL not to my DN, and also obviously my DB and SIL who have said "oh you will learn to respect the other children's decisions and you can teach us [i.e. DN's family] how to respect"... i.e. she's expected to be grown up about it. )

Also nothing at all for special needs, they will help "if she wants" but she doesn't want to try her difficult subjects and be helped, she just doesn't want to do them.

DM is again offering DN to stay with her at least as a temporary measure and enrol in the school her primary school feeds to, and is really leaning on DB and SIL to consider moving back to the UK at least for the DNs' secondary schooling. DB's business is not so thriving it couldn't be put on hold.

Just resurrecting this, my DM has agreed to take DN to the school next month (she says it's to avoid my DB staying an extra week with her given the atmosphere with them staying over Christmas, which I quite understand).

She's got the documents from the school which to be honest sound rather joyless. From what I understand the school tend to assume that if children don't like a lesson, they just won't do it, meaning that my DN will avoid her least favourite subjects which are a) fairly important ones to have some qualifications in and b) those which her Y6 school was fairly sure - especially one of them - that she did have mild SN and they gave her extra attention/adapts work etc.

I think my DM is going to mention the extra help/suspected SN. Anything she should particularly say/try and find out from the Y6 school? I might suggest she find out if they offer younger groups to children who are struggling (my DN would detest this).

It's all a bit of a car crash, my DN says exactly what my DB says when he is there but changes her mind when he isn't too (e.g. saying to my DM she doesn't want to come and visit us - cue my disappointed preschool DC1 - then saying she does when alone with my DM). DN has been told by them that my DPs won't be paying her fees (it seems awful to have to say that to her, at her age, but my DB harps on about how it's all the DN's choice while telling her what to think).

Not really sure anyone's relationship with my DB is going to recover from this but my DM seems to be managing to spend a little quality time with the DNs at least and is still promising to be there for either of them if they want to come to her.

Thanks all for your messages of support. I reported one post yesterday as I was hoping not to mention the name of the school, for Google purposes. I'll just report the other two mentions. I am not sure there's much more to be said right now though of course with my DB and family who really knows, decisions are not really being made on the basis of much evidence so maybe they will be remade on the basis of not much evidence too.

It was the one near Banbury I meant, sorry.

Anyway they are completely convinced/have convinced DN that she must go to this school. They admit that she hasn't even looked at websites for other schools, she in fact says she does not really want to go to boarding school but wants to go to this school only and no other will do (DB says "it's the ethos" and I get the impression that DN wants to drop a couple of core subjects right now, forever, because she feels she's bad at them - one of them being a subject that she finds challenging to the point we did suspect the mild SN).

They really don't seem to be looking at the gentle/individual/caring ethos of schools - only the optional lessons feature. Which I understand my DN doing as after all she is 11 and doesn't like some lessons! As far as choice goes, more subjects are available at the comp local to my DM...

They also admit they probably can't pay for her there till 16, and say "she can try it for a few terms". It is clear they are expecting my DF to change his mind about paying, I know he won't.

I think my DM and DF are just struggling for a new set of cliches, having used up "washing their hands" and "car crash"... My DM is alternating between relieved at not having another teenager under her roof and upset at what my DN will probably be going through.

You'd think so milky but to be fair to them my DB has a business (though they couldn't live on it), SIL has a job that is their main income, her family are there, and DN2 is happy in school.
They say there are no less rigid schools in their country. From what we've seen, it does seem quite likely.
My DM is not keen to parent a teenager again, we were enough trouble, but feels she can't wash her hands of DN.
happygardening though I can see that my DB is the kind of person who could sign up wholeheartedly to this school's ethos, it all seems very sudden, and he does seem to be taking a "see if you like it" attitude with no guarantee of continuing. The school will take her now - part way through y7, but no later, while my DM thinks, and I agree, that if DN will benefit from boarding school at all it will be later.

My DF is planning to visit us later and call them to find out what they are really thinking. I'm pretty sure he'll be interested to hear these suggestions, thanks all. And yes to Sidcot, which would be easy for weekly and just about doable for day.