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Original poster

Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

91 replies

ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 07:54

He was miserable at his school. Talking a lot of dropping out altogether before he has ANY qualifications. This year he will do his GCSE equivalent. Then has 2 more years to do his A Level equivalent.

He was so miserable I suggested we look at alternatives. He rejected the idea of another school in nearby town (20 minute train ride)

We visited 3 boarding schools. He liked 1 best. We left him to choose. He spent 2 weeks deciding, so not rushed decision. He chose the 1st boarding school.

(He unfortunately was told that if it goes tits up, ha can always return to his old school - gah)

So day 2 he texts dh, he hates it, he wants to come home. DAY 2 !!!

We contact the head of the boarding and also his 'Adult who looks after him', lets call him Bob. Ist weekend back he says he hates it and cannot return. We tell him he has to try fgs, and also school and studying and clubs not kicked in, nd next week will be v. different etc.

This week Bob emails us and says he thinks he'll be ok. He's joined in and done loads of stuff. He's just very shy and reserved but it'll be ok. We think phew, it's getting better. He comes home Friday and insists he will not go back and wants to return to his old school, which now he realises, is brilliant. Hmm Or at least, if he has a shit day he can come home and be happy here.

I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. Part of me - don't want son to be unhappy. Other part of me, v disappointed he chucks in the towel after 2 days and has no persistence and wants to chop and change in an important school year. Sad Angry

OP posts:
viewwater · 27/09/2015 08:23

I would suggest to him that he needs to think of what he will change to make his old school work and also research other alternatives such as college and courses. You will then discuss over the halfterm holiday and reach a decision. Let him know that he can't base his alternatives on comparing negatives but needs to think of what he wants from the next couple of years. At the moment it sounds as though the boarding school routine of making him participate is uncomfortable for him but may be beneficial even if just for the short term. .

tribpot · 27/09/2015 08:22

Yes, I agree with Lweji, school doesn't seem to be the cause of the problem but a symptom. If he wants to drop out with no qualifications, it doesn't seem to be because he has a burning ambition to pursue, is he afraid to fail? Is he actually have problems doing the school work or just applying himself? Would he be better off being tutored so you can find out exactly what the problem with school work is?

His boarding school should have seen children before who have a hard time settling in, what do they suggest?

Gruach · 27/09/2015 08:19

As Lweji says, there must be a reason for his disaffection.

Sex, drugs, thinks he should be a rock n roll star? What's going on in his head?

Lweji · 27/09/2015 08:15

Have you talked to the gp, get counselling?
It seems a problem beyond what school he is in.

Spartans · 27/09/2015 08:15

What's your ds' solution?

He says he isn't going back, so what is he suggesting that he does instead? A new school or the old one?

Spartans · 27/09/2015 08:13

Do you think he hasn't really given it a try? Is that the issue?

How you handle it depends on what you think the issue is. What made him miserable at the old school? Do you think he really doesn't like it, he is likely to be 'hating' the old school again if he goes back there with a week?

Is he a 'grass is greener' type person?

If so I would set a time scale and tell him he needs to attend until that date and then decide.

He really can't just keep chopping and changing schools on a whim.

Gruach · 27/09/2015 08:12

Shit grades. Doing no work.

Why?

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 08:11

He's not half way through a 2 year course and his new school has exactly the same curriculum and everything. That seems to be interchangeable. I think I have been sympathetic. Dh has been even more so, but basically dh sympathy has given him the idea that he can just come straight back, which I think has compounded the problem, inasmuch as he thinks he doesn't need to and therefore isn't trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 08:08

He was miserable in his old school. Shit grades. Doing no work. He ran away once and tried to run away a second time soon after. He wanted to drop school altogether. We spoke about various solutions. He wanted to try boarding. Get away from home and mum and dad, have a adventure etc etc. He reckons he has loads of friends but he only ever hangs out with the one that lives close by. It's only become very apparent he is so withdrawn now based on this. He would deny it but clearly it's been a problem.

I think dh thinks it won't get better, let him come home now. I think he needs to try.

His old school wasn't working for him. So will it continue to not work, or will this experience make him realise it's not so bad after all.

His new school seems to be OK: He's complaining that he's bored and there's nothing to do. At the same time as complaining he has no free time. He doesn't like the people. They are all idiots. Apparently.

OP posts:
Yellowpansies · 27/09/2015 08:06

If he has GCSE equivalent this year, does that mean he's half way through a 2 year course? If so, it might be easier academically at least to move him back now to the old school. At least he'll have been studying the same courses. If he's had to switch into different syllabuses I'd have thought that would be hard in some subjects.

And if he's a shy child who doesn't much like any school a boarding school's going to be tough. What is it be doesn't like? The other kids or the learning?

Gruach · 27/09/2015 08:05

He unfortunately was told that if it goes tits up, ha can always return to his old school - gah) Yeah ...

What are his concrete reasons? Other than "hates it"?

What made him miserable at his previous school? Is he going to be unhappy in any school?

AngelaRipp0n · 27/09/2015 08:03

What made you thinking that a child who is reserved and miserable at school would find boarding anything other than much worse? My eldest has always found it hard to fit in and is only now enjoying school at 16. Home has been her sanctuary, but your ds hasn't got that, I think you've mad a big mistake although I'm sure you thought it was he right thing.

Maybe he just needs to off load how he feels and might be more able to get on with it if he feels listened to, it doesn't sound like you've been that sympathetic.

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 07:58

Boarding is miserable. Get him back

Lweji · 27/09/2015 07:58

I'd insist he keeps at it at least until Christmas.

It sounds to me, though, that schooling is his problem, as he wanted to drop out and dragged his feet regarding school.
He needs motivation.

DylanNells · 27/09/2015 07:56

Yes what is it he doesn't like? The lessons or the boarding?

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 07:55

Why is he boarding ?!