Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

I had a boy Tutee like yours. Failed everything, quit school, overweight, depressed, anxious. Did one to one tutoring with him and he got two Bs and an A. Much improved behaviour and attitude to learning. Got fitter, got happier. Started volunteering with guide dogs for the deaf and is going to uni.

Op when did you move to Germany?

I'd use the school issue to get him seen by a professional.
But have a quiet word with said professional about your concerns. It's good that he's been able to talk to you about his feelings and thoughts, but that may mean that there's a lot deeper down that you don't know about.
Keep his trust and keep talking to him, but I would also take it very seriously.

What's he doing or watching when he's sitting in his room? I presume he can't do this at BS, is that why he wants out?

Tbh I think he needs some help. Not saying he is odd or needs medical help.

But you have described someone who is isolated and has quite odd ideas about himself and imagines himself as better than those around him. I would be concerned. I am also concerned about his claim that he has loads of friends but doesn't. Up until the last few posts I thought it might just be teenage blustering. But I am not so sure.

If he can't manage boarding school he won't make it in the military. Even if he did, I doubt it's how he imagines it. There won't be a military campaign that is 'his'.

How is he going to take being told what to do in the army? What will he do when he thinks his superiors are 'idiots' and 'thick'? Do they accept absconding in the army? Honestly at best you have a child who will try and fail at most things, because he thinks he know better. At worst he could have some real issues.

I really don't know what to suggest. Half of me thinks you should force him to see it through. Make him stick at something until it's done and hope he sees the light. If he comes home within weeks he will be running away from the school, if he returns to the old one.

The other half thinks he really needs to be at home so you can work in his problems as a family.

Agree with Brenda, this would ring alarm bells for me if a parent came to me in school with similar

Plus isolating self in bedroom.

Sorry Ernest.

I'd be seriously concerned if my son expressed such extreme thoughts, he sounds like an extremeist's candidate. I think this would worry me more than his schooling as it's probably dictating what he thinks about school and education- little point if he's going to rule the world anyway through agression.
Where did he get this from?

(Not discounting the other issues - it's just that I live in UK countryside and every weekend the place is crawling with teenagers doing D of E type training).

Could his interests be channelled into more 'outward bound' activities? Do you live near any activity centres?

I agree that this sounds to be some mental health issues, it's nothing to do with the schools and I think you should urgently get him assessed

I think he should stick it out until Christmas , he won't have made friends yet and at that age friends are everything. School will help with routine, sleep and exercise which can be crucial.

Unless he is depressed, in which case he needs medication.

From what you say, I'd be very concerned about him. And when. I say very, in a worst case scenario mass killing spree concerned. More realistically, not sure, but certainly worrying.
Has he been psychologically evaluated?

Can only tell my own experience, but as my mother moved (yet again) to a town miles away, I decided that I didn't want to go and so agreed on me going to boarding school in the town I was in. It felt at the time that it was my decision and I was happy with. I went there fully determined to make it work.

I hated it after only 3 days. It was extremely regimented whereas I was used to a school where they encouraged teenagers to take responsibility for themselves on the basis of a certain level of trust. I felt like I was back to being 5, scared to breath.

In addition, it turned out to be quite a posh school, with most kids being from rich families, and immediately I felt judged for my way of dressing, talking etc... I wasn't very confident in my boots, and being there made me feel even more inadequate. I felt absolutely miserable. My parents told me to give it more time, but one afternoon after about 2 weeks, I couldn't take it any longer and just had to go. I didn't know where to go and ended up at friends of my parents.

Thankfully, my parents didn't doubt my feelings for a second and right away told me I wouldn't have to go back. I still, 30 years later, remember the utter feeling of relief. In the end, they found a boarding school that took on pupils from different schools and my old school agreed to take me back. It was a difficult year, but I did ok in the end and certainly was much happier than I would have been staying at that school.

Looking back, I can say that I still feel thankful that my parents didn't force me to go back. Saying that, in my case, it is because deep inside, they agreed with my reasons and they themselves could imagine me really fitting in and went along with it in the first place because it suited everyone and because I seemed so determined.

X posts. I agree with BrendaandEddie. The military thing - essentially wanting power and glory in an aggressive way without wanting to graft for it - is a bit worrying IMO. My 10yo approaches things a bit like this (comment on any conflict/war: 'why don't/didn't the powerful countries just send in their armies?'). But he's 10. It sounds as if there may be more going on here for your ds.

Don't let him leave, not yet. Back track on the he can return to his old school idea. He was unhappy in the last school, so that's not really a solution. I think settling into a school can take up to a year. So chopping and changing so quickly is not giving him a chance, also it sends him a message that he can't cope with new things.

this just sounds a bit odd Ernest. I would go to the Doctor. I might be alone in this idea.

Is this outside UK still? Does he have to come home every weekend , are there activities over the weekend which would help him settle. IMHO he is finding it hard to integrate and using excuses to avoid admitting it. As to work he needs to learn by making mistakes, are the staff sanctioning late homework etc.

This is Germany, right? So he's y11 now (not sure whether you have G8 or 9 in Bavaria)?

Boarding schools in Germany (again, if this is Germany - I am just assuming it is this or a similar system) are quite strongly associated with pursuing an 'alternative' educational path in some way - either in terms of the ethos of the school, for specialisation, or for students disaffected or turned off by the mainstream system in some way. So they are usually (or should be) quite good at coping with settling-in troubles and pupils who don't know what they want. Are you happy with the support Bob is giving him?

I do think there may be something in what viewwater says, that the enforced participation of boarding school life may be making him unhappy. But the increased support and supervision may be preferable, for him in his current state of seemingly not having much in the way of intrinsic motivation, to the rather sink-or-swim experience of a mainstream Gymnasium.

I might agree with BrendaandEddie, tbh, if his experience of his other school hadn't been so negative and all-wrong - but in the context I think he does need to try, at least for a bit. A return to the old school would need to be accompanied by a careful plan on his part (initiated by him) to make the most of his education there.

What are his aptitudes/abilities in general? Is he academic, or might he be interested in leaving after y11 and finding an apprenticeship (which certainly wouldn't bar the path to university in the medium to long term - some of my best students when I taught in HE were those who had had vocational training and worked for a while first)?

DS lasted precisely one week at boarding school.
It was something he really wanted to do, he is a motivated and hard worker but and grown disenchanted with his school and wanted a sort of transition towards living more independently.
But he really really hated it.
Because it was only a week, he managed to slot back into his old school with a renewed enthusiasm and appreciation of what he had. Despite the lost cost (!) I still think it was actually a brilliant thing to have happened to him.mit shook him out of his complacency and made him more determined to work hard.

But, that was my DS, not yours.
What does your DS think the solution to his problems is?

his kind of depression/superiority thing is worthy of attention

Sorry, I don't know him OBV but I would seek help if I did know you and you told me that

Ernest - is he ok? The military campaign sounds a bit.. odd

Do you think you should get him checked over?