Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

I think running away from home is a pretty big cry for help.

You know, I think you are doing exactly what you should (but don't give him the choice of English A levels, he has far too many options already). I would say that a bit of regimentation would make wonders both in terms of getting him out of his comfort zone and to force him to interact more with people. Your life is much richer when it expands beyond your bedroom.

Personally, I don't think that, from the point of view what the OP has said, the boy has mental health issues. He is just a teenager pushing the boundaries as they are expected to do, is part of their development, they all do in different degrees, and if he is spending so much time on his own by choosing to stay in his bedroom, it is not surprising he is a bit dosconnected from the world, he is missing on the grounding people his own age provide (yes, as strange as it sounds, at that time, they tend to trust their friends' judgement more than their parents', so a friend jokingly telling him that he couldn't do something, might have far more effect than the repetitive comments of a parent).

Is there nowhere he could study the International Bacc in English? I do think his lack of fluency in formal German is probably a big (and increasing) barrier for him that he doesn't really want to overcome. I get the feeling the crises are probably going to escalate as he gets closer to this exam milestone, is it worth taking the hit of restarting at Year 10 (assuming that's the first year of GCSE study) in the UK?

Interesting that he stuck it out on his work experience, it sounds bloody awful. Some of that I suspect was expectations - he was expected to turn up, muck in, no pissing about and no opportunity to bail out if he didn't like it. His teachers' comments just meant "you'll always be welcome here", it didn't mean "we're holding a place open for you", that isn't their decision.

His whole 'go and live in the jungle' thing just sounds like a way of avoiding any kind of responsibility. Again, perhaps a UK boarding school where he could do Duke of Edinburgh would be an improvement for him?

i read a book about Anders Breivik and whilst not wanting to equate, he too was a loner who saw himself as superior whilst playing war games and isolating himself

OP seems to not see this

OP do you know the term 'third culture kids'?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid

I'm not sure if it precisely applies to your DS, but the general point that children growing up between cultures often struggle psychologically seems very relevant. You mention that your DS functions at a much more sophisticated level in english and that his only real friend is english. Do you think that being caught between languages / cultures is a least part of the problem?

I also echo the poster (whoever it was - sorry) who said that grandiosity is often the flip side of depression.

Have you considered an english speaking environment - maybe an international school where there will be other children in the same situation? Also what about an outward bound holiday or something like that over the summer that will let him put his camping gear to practical use.

He sounds very isolated, and the running away and being self sufficient, sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with his complicated life. He was brought up in Switzerland but had an English home life, then you've moved to Germany and still kept your English home life. But he's had to re-adjust to another culture and throughout his teen years, he can't speak more then teen German, his peers probably watch German tv and the lastest German teen fads, which because you have kept everything English at home he is cut off from real socialising with his friends. He does not 'fit' anywhere. I see why he just wants to be on his own, he wants it so he can 'fit' somewhere and feel like he belongs.

He sounds very depressed and I would definitely get him to the doctors.

I went to boarding school in the Uk and agree with a lot you said. I felt homesick at first but by half term, I realised that I had settled. In the case on your son, as he is returning so often I think it would take longer (Xmas) to give him a chance to settle.
If he returns (your h must be kicking himself for dooming things), you need to set strict conditions because he'll just go back to old patterns of behaviour. I certainly wouldn't go back to the 8 hours of free time a day. It sounds like he might benefit from a tutor or you creating a more "formal German"atmosphere. Watch documentaries, have the radio on )in German) How's your formal German? It sounds like your son would be hard to engage but I would be insisting on this should he return.
I'm a Brit who lived in Germany and my son picked up German at Kindergarten and by watching German TV (especially SpongeBob Schwamkopf and car programmes)

I too read OP's posts and felt this was a very very troubled young man with mental health issues or some sort of psychological disorder - forget the school issues, get him a psychiatric evaluation as a matter of urgency.

Several posters have expressed similar views, OP hasn't responded to these - is there a reason why?

ernest - do you think he might have MH issues?

Put him in the army

There is no way it can be right to send this boy back. Let him come home.

It really does sum up how awful bnoarding schools aer that a teacher would say to a parent that any child told they have the option of going home would leave the school! No wonder boarding has reduced so much.

If he likes English very much would he he suit an English boarding school. I know someone who moved to Germany and at 16 all the children came back to England to do A levels and go on to English universities. but only consider this IF he would want that.
I would imagine he would prefer to be back at home and that will be the best place for him.
Is he doing some German exams then the equivalent of GCSE and is redoing his last year of those because of failures last year?

I thought Swiss German & German German were quite different, too.

I can see why you have him the choice. But since it was a choice given because he promised to change if he was allowed to go, then he needs to go back.

It really could be a mental health issue or just a superiority complex.

The problem here is your dh. You are not United front at all. Your dh should not have been telling him that coming home was an option.

You need to speak with your dh.

I suspect the school knew what would happen and was trying to leave. Pot open for a troubled young man. But they haven't help either.

So he couldn't hack it when he ran away and came home? I am glad he did by the way. But he isn't the person he imagines he is in head. It's very worrying.

Personally I would send him back. But I appreciate you may not be able to physically do that

Oh, the German thing is hard. (Not something we've had to deal with with ours as we have binational OPOL set-up and if anything their English is weaker than their German). I think that's another reason to keep him there - for necessary immersion in the language and (for want of a better expression) youth culture.

Does Bob/the support team know about his ideas, his military interest, the running away? I think they probably should, and I agree you should be pursuing an assessment for him (depending on how rurally you live there might be quite a wait for an appt). What's the school's general ethos?

And no, I wouldn't believe any promise that he will try harder at the old school, if you continue to reinforce the message that when it comes to his schooling, he ultimately has the choice of doing whatever he chooses to do, as long as he push you enough.

Sorry, but I couldn't help but noticing that:

• He was talking about dropping out, so you gave him the choice to look at other schools
• you then let him choose whether he wanted to stay or not
• Then he was given 2 weeks to choose the school of his liking
• He vhoose the school but you gave him the option to go back to the old school if he didn't like the new one, BEFORE he even started.

The first few weeks on any school are always difficult, he needs to get used to the new rules and break into established friendship groups. It is natural he feels frustrated, so now, before trying further he wants to go back to the old one, he also wants to live in the jungle where no qualifications are needed (or warm dry beds) but you, terrible mum, are taking the CHOICE from him.

Frankly, I think this a problem you made yourself, if he has such freedom of choice, what makes you think he is not going to try to exercise it?

If I were you, I would let him deal with the consequences of his own choices and leave him at the new school, at least until the end of the term. Yes, it will be horrible, because ror the first time it won't be his choice, but if you agree to let him move now, you are only making his lack of interest in school much worse.

You need to have a frank discussion with him. He has to suck it up and either come back and make 100% improvement or stay til Christmas.

I think you have lived in Germany for many years OP? Why do you think his German is still not fluent? I ask because most immigrant children I come across in the UK are fluent within a year or so.
Re the friends thing, it's not unusual for boys of that age to spend all their free time at home on a computer. Not desirable but very normal. My ds (14) never sees his "friends" outside school but frequently plays games online with them.

Only you can decide if he should change schools again. However, ime when children don't settle after trying more than one school, the issue is usually with the child, not the schooling.

Actually I am quite interested in what happened when he ran away.

Where did he go, how long was he gone, was he found or did he come home through choice?

I don't think your dh is actually helping here. He seems to be pandering to him quite a lot. Is he concerned at all?

The head of boarding was right. You fatally wounded any chance of success when you gave him the option to bail.

He needs urgent medical help for his thoughts. Work on getting an assessment ASAP. Be very honest about his delusions.

Tell him he stays at the school and tries to make it work. He's 16. He won't be able to jump around jobs and then choose to go back to the old one. Work with the school to get him involved but stop giving him an easy way to bail and avoid effort or work.

He chose this. It's done. He can't overthink the same decision, once it's chosen, it's finished.

I have a (lazy feckless) 15yo who think he's going to become a Royal Marine.
I vote go tough: the lad needs to tough it out. The lad won't wilt or melt if he sticks out a full term. Review the decision at Xmas.

When your lad ran away, OP, where did he go?

Fascinating issues arise here. Having spare time in my view is essential and wonderful for teejnagers. It is how they become the adult they should be. Filling in every hour is torture and bad in my view certanily for quiet thinkers like he is (and boarding school is the worst place on the planet for quiet thinkers).

I would say he can come home as that was the deal you promised him - if you start breaking promises to teenagers you lose all trust. Then make it clear he must stick at and work hard for GCSEs back at his old school

Ah do I see a reference to Germany? Why not move back to the UK which presumably was his home. Surely the error here was removing him from his English culture.