Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

Hope your ds gets the support he needs to finish his education Ernest. I am not a doctor and obviously you cannot diagnose someone from
snippets online. However from what you post, your ds reminds me very much of my teenage dd who has asd. She is very high functioning and her asd was not picked up until she was 15.

God, I can sing a song (as they say here) about the bloody German system, and I WFH, do speak perfect German (got a doctorate in it) and, while 'love' is a bit extreme, am perfectly happy with tutoring my child. It's still been pretty much my nemesis at times. Have negotiated with aplomb dealings with the Finanzamt, various employers, the police (as the victim of crime, I hasten to stress!), goodness knows what other Ämter and authorities, but school, I really have to pull myself together to deal with. So empathy in spades

Good luck with it all - has ds been told yet?

Op if your ds was my son I would be looking at an asd assessment , private if necessary to speed it up.

Your last post sounds sensible and as you say you and your husband turned out all right. Preserving a relationship with your son for life is probably a better result than alienating him and forcing him to stay at boarding school, even if his grades end up a bit worse. A lot of teenagers are like your son. It is just a phase and they come out of it the other end when they go to university (or start work).

It sounds as if your DS doesn't fit in anywhere at present and has lost any faith in his ability to belong to a group/culture/society.

I'd say he'd benefit from some counselling, as someone who benefits from counselling myself. I often struggle socially - we suspect our whole family has AS, to be honest - and if he is anything like me, I can imagine boarding school is relentless. But part of being a teenager is having your lazy arse kicked, because you need it a bit. Some comes from parents, some comes from the school. Your DH sees himself in your son, which is a mixed blessing, I'd say.

Can you arrange a meeting with your son at his current school before you do more, so it's all in place rather than by phone, arranged with Dad? So all three of you meet in a room and discuss a plan of action. Home, with counselling, sports clubs, other chances to pursue interests and minimal vegging would be my choice. But whatever happens, you and DH have to have worked out what the options are rather than having it dictated by your son, because I'm not sure he's in the healthiest place at the moment, from the sound of things. I don't think that means he's going to turn into a mass murderer, I think it's likely to lead him to dissatisfaction and underachievement.

He needs someone on his side, outside the family, to speak to (counsellor, not teacher). He needs as many chances as possible to feel better about himself and engage positively with other young people. How about horse riding? It's outdoorsy, it looks initially as if you just sit there and he'll end up speaking to people but not showering with the team or anything unconscionable...

You sound a bit railroaded, Ernest, by your ds and dh. I also thought it was interesting that your ds has chosen to not go on your UK holiday with you the last couple of times - so, assuming you go annually, since he was 14? That's a lot of choice for a young boy, and I am beginning to wonder whether he has had too much choice altogether iyswim. In this case my instinct would be to put my foot down all the more to insist he stays put for now. It's not going to be easier to regulate his life when he is coming home at 1pm (find it a bit odd that he only had one longer day a week - my y5 Gymnasium already has 5 days until 1pm and AIUI the timetable increases every year from there on in) and it may be hard to achieve compliance with attending that sports club (and what would be the consequence if he doesn't go? You can hardly then send him back to the BS). At least if it's Bob/the BS environment forcing him to join in stuff, you are out of the position of being bad cop/enemy.

Is he 16 going on 17 or just 16? If the former, he must have repeated a year at some point (?) Might that be contributing to the friends situation?

'Running away' is, I think, a factor here in more ways than one. If he'd gone to BS as a positive choice, because you or he were interested in the school's ethos or specialism or whatever, and he was miserable I might well be saying oh yes, pull him out. But going there was an escape, a 'running away' from his life as it was (and, of course, a hope for positive change), and I can't help thinking that leaving would be 'running away' again - perpetuating the pattern he's got stuck in, and chiming with the theme set by his survival ideas (and I agree that leaping to 'potential mass murderer', as some posters have been doing, is a bit extreme, but I also see where those views are coming from iyswim). It seems that overall he has got into a very avoidant pattern of living and doing (or not doing) things, and it's that which needs to be broken through more than anything else. I would be insisting he stays put, seeking psychological assessment asap (can happen in the half term break perhaps) and looking into arranging ongoing support/counselling for him there.

Ernest you sound as though you are being frustrated in your attempts to doing your best to be a supportive mother at this difficult time for your DS Your DH needs to realise that your DS has the opportunity to learn better strategies for integration and enjoying life. That would be true whatever the reason for his present angst including if he has tendencies to ASD-like social inhibitions He will be taken out of his comfort zone but your DH should follow-through plans that the two of you agree and be firm since the potential rewards for your DS would be worth it.

Presumably you've reminded him that He was miserable in his old school. Shit grades. Doing no work. He ran away once and tried to run away a second time soon after. He wanted to drop school altogether.

Something's got to change and I think you're right to want to be stricter with him in terms of integrating with the German kids and watching some German TV etc. However, this is doomed to failure again if your DH is not on the same page. He seems to just go along with whatever ds is saying he wants at a given moment? And then you're left picking up the pieces of whatever new agreement they've come to without consulting you.

Why would he be forced to do a sport? That sounds almost Victorian. I let the children choose what if any clubs they want to do. Some do none at all which is fine (as time alone thinking is as good for many teenagers as time being a rugger bugger) and others do a lot. Why force this boy into a mould which is not him?

Yes, the dynamics of this family decision making seem all wrong. I'm surprised that the boarding school didn't prepare you better, particularly (I would have thought) for the need for the parents to present a united front in the face of settling in wobbles. Your DH was clearly never that supportive of the plan and has caved at the first hint of trouble.

It sounds as if introversion runs in the family. A boarding school was unlikely to be an environment he could settle into comfortably.

Why is he not keen on the international school? Let's face it, he's not keen on anything. If he's going to sabotage anywhere you send him, what's the solution? What about the army, as suggested up thread?

So your ds and your dh made the decision then? Together...without you?

Ernest it does sound rather more complicated for him and you than just being disaffected with school and homesick because of boarding.
Counselling as a condition of him coming back would be worthwhile to tackle his isolation . However it sounds as though that should be in English, his most 'natural' language which may be difficult to arrange.

It is odd that English should dominate even with the move from Switzerland to Germany in 2008. For all DCs I know who are bilingual with a home language and a peer / school language the latter takes over. Why does he refuse to read German let alone watch German TV? Possibly he would be more comfortable in a English / German bilingual IB international school?

Gosh I think some people are being a tad dramatic. He does sound like he is unhappy but to say he's may go on to commit mass murder is taking things rather too far.

He does have friends so he isn't a loner.
He worked hard at his work experience.
So he's not all bad!

I would let him come home OP. I really wouldn't like my dc hating being somewhere and having 8 hours a day free time.
Experiencing ehis may make him really appreciate his old school.

Gosh, I think it's normal. My best present as a child was my pen knife. I have taken my teenage boys to survive on an island. Why can't teenage girls and boys do that kind of thing if they want to? Just tell him if he wants that kind of hobby then he needs some money to fund it and passing some exams is a good way to achieve that. I wouldn't force him to be at a boarding school he doesn't like.

I think his survival obsession is a bit odd too tbh I think might be anidea to see your Gp or speak to Bob about it. I would suggest he sticks school out till christmas and then you can see

Poor OP, I can really sympathise with your dilemma.

For what it's worth, I think the school issue is a symptom of the real problem. My feeling is that the PP who posted this:

Do you think that being caught between languages / cultures is a least part of the problem?

is onto something.

He has lived in Germany from 8, half his life, and yet does not engage in German culture. Why? That strikes me as very strange.

I was talking to my cousin this summer, who has brought up her children in France. She is finding that even though they speak English fluently and spend lots of time with English cousins, they don't really get 'Britishness'.

He may not even be aware of this himself, but it may explain his inability to settle or focus on things. Perhaps he isn't sure where his future lies?
Maybe a discussion with him about this may help all of you clear up some issues.

The world is full of loners, they are called introverts.

No they are not. Introverts draw their energy from being alone, but they are not loners.

I did say that mass murder was worst case scenario.

It's still apparent that he is unhappy and what the op described doesn't seem healthy to me.
Which is why he should be assessed by professionals with full knowledge about what he said to his mother.

In any case the outcome would be a happier boy and parents.

TheTigerIsOut There is a big difference between introverted teens who play games and have a slightly egocentrical view, and a teen who is so convinced that he is superior that he is buying equipment and planning military schemes in great detail. Who seems to be actively planning to go "off-grid".

Whilst hopefully this will be nothing, if OP's DS did go on to commit a crime, there may well be high-profile questions asked about why nobody did anything about this. It would be very easy to make it seem that her DS has been upfront and honest about his plans to exert his superiority through violence, and then "escape" into the wilderness to live off-grid and undetected.

His mental health issues need to be looked at. If his thoughts are dangerous or damaging, sorting them could help him to sort the rest of his life.

His schooling is separate but there is no doubting that he will be unhappy at either school. Infact, it'd be an easy jump to say he probably dislikes school because he dislikes authority - it would fit perfectly with his other thinkings. Having to integrate more and make an effort at boarding school, even if he feels he has to because he has no choice, could help him to start accepting school and building a future that isn't designed around his current thought patterns.

I can't really comment on the possibility of MH issues, but it sounds to me like boarding school will be good for him for all the reasons you suggest - structure, having to study, having to interact more in German.

I wouldn't give him the option of coming home, certainly not before Christmas. Of course he is objecting to having lots of structured time and having to work if he is used to 8 hours a day free time to sit on his computer.

"i read a book about Anders Breivik and whilst not wanting to equate, he too was a loner who saw himself as superior whilst playing war games and isolating himself"

The world is full of loners, they are called introverts. Go into a game shop and try to find a game, that doesn't involve warfare, for teenagers, and I'm pretty sure you are not going to find much more than Minecraft. Many teens saw themselves as superior, if they are not the best in football, rugby or science, they are the best in maths, climbing, or pulling girls.

If all the loners, who play war games and see themselves as superior were meant to be as A Breivik, the human race would have ceased to exist millions of years ago.