Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

Oh I'm not assuming the worst - just trying to see the full picture! (I've been in a similar-ish situation to your DD - but without all the rellies ...)

I wanted to suggest that you encourage her (if you're not already) to contact all those other people more and lean less on you. If she's well supported it's far more likely you'll arrive at a positive outcome of course.

OP - you clearly have a bright DD and high academic expectations and, as a former boarder yourself, you are imbued in boarding school culture and it is your normal (and probably the normal of many of your DH's colleagues, from the sound of things).

But you know what: boarding is not normal and leaving your 13 year old behind while the rest of the family moved to a new country thousands of miles away is not normal. Take her with you. Clever DC with involved mothers do fine academically in average schools and her life will be so, so much better for having grown up in her family, not an institution.

I sympathise. My DD also 13 has just started at day school after boarding and is desperate to go back to her old school (not an option). It's all about change and leaving familiar things behind. It will almost certainly get better but it will take strength and perseverance on everyone's part. She sounds very like my DD. Thinking of you all.

One other thing - who have you appointed as guardian? Is it a fond relative - DGM or cousins or a godmother? Please tell me it's not a random stranger being paid to do it - poor child would have every right to kick off about that on top of everything else.

It's very early days.
I'm glad the housemistress is sympathetic- can you ask her to keep dd busy? Extra responsibilities? And with advance warning wean off the nightly contact- so tell her now that next Monday, say you'll be unable to message her. Then another day at the end of the week and try an get down to twice weekly. Are you taking her out at the weekend? I don't know what to advise on that! Is there anything she could do in the morning before you see her, so she's meeting with other dcs who'll be around at the weekend?

While you're here take a look at this thread on boarding for a few more opinions.

It must be rather heart-wrenching for you I know.

Look, if I were your DD it would be the Christmas threat that made me most unhappy. I could probably live with the homesickness if I knew home was there somewhere, quite close. But she knows you're going far away - within weeks - and then she'll be stuck (and she probably imagines she'll feel exactly the same for the next five years.)

Stop and think. Talk to your DH. Could you not possibly decide, and tell her, that you will stay for another term or even two, in order to help her settle? And that she must now give all her effort to doing that? (It's something that has had to happen in slightly different ways chez moi ...)

I daresay your DH and younger DC could manage for a few months? Might be an adventure for them. What do you think?

Might Interhigh, an online secondary school, be an option? There are students there from all over the world.

The poor lass is having to get used to being in the UK, starting a new school, making new friends and knowing that in three months time you're moving to the back of beyond without her. I'm not in the slightest bit surprised she's struggling big time. You're not going to be around for her at all so it's hardly surprising she's struggling. I really feel for her.

I don't have any suggestions other than to say that it's a lot to take on board for her, and you.

I do hope she settles down quickly.

Not quite the same, but when my sister went to uni she was on the phone every night to my parents in floods of tears. They went to get her a few times I think (5 hour round trip!)

It got better once she had made some friends and everything wasn't so overwhelmingly new, she needed some confidence that she knew where she was going etc. it took about 6w, hopefully your DD will find her feet quickly.

Sorry - that sounds as if I'm blaming you in some way. I don't mean to - but there's only so far you can push someone. She really, really has to have wanted to be there.

An obvious question but had she wanted to go to this particular school? And was she herself enthusiastic about boarding? And relaxed about your future plans?

I hope you could answer yes to each of those. In all honesty I wouldn't fancy your chances if none of this is what she wants. (And I am a relentless advocate of boarding for the right child.)

My children were not allowed to be in touch with us, in any form, every evening when they first started. They had an extremely busy few weeks and our first contact was at a bbq 3 weks in. I think if she needs to be in contact with you all the time, I would be wondering about whether boarding is the right solution. Has she been away from you before? Is she the right sort of "boarding child"? Or is she dependent upon you for cuddles and reassurance?

If she has independence, resiliance and can make friends, she will be fine. You do not say what the school staff are saying? Is it as bad as she is telling you? You have, of course, chosen this way of life and therefore knew she would have to board. Did you do any preparation for this? My DD went to summer schools in a boarding school from the age of 8. Loved every single minute of it. So, come 11 making friends, being in a boarding house and being away from home was very much what she wanted to do and she knew what to expect.

Modern boarding schools also have lots of exeats so even boarders see their parents fairly frequently. I was only 45 minutes from school so I saw school plays, concerts, sports, attended House dinners, plays, dance and music events and all the Parents Association functions. I guess you will not be doing any of that.

Finally, from what I have seen, the vast majority of homesickness goes away. I have seen a few leave because they cannot cope with it. These children should not have boarded in the first place. They did because their parents wanted boarding, not the children. You have to know your child is suited to it, whatever your circumstances.

So she's pretty much new to the UK as well?

It's an enormous amount of change to adjust to all at once. (I often wonder how new "foreign" boarders cope, regardless of the loveliness of their school.)

In your position I'd be trying to establish how much of what she currently feels is related to moving country and being away from everything familiar as opposed to being at school for a few weeks at a time. I imagine the clock ticking down to Christmas and your next move is weighing on her as well?

I'm stalling because I have so far no experience (as adult or child) of extreme homesickness while boarding. (I've felt it at other times and know how frantic it can make one.) I'm also praying it won't unexpectedly rear its head in the next few weeks. We did say to the boarding child, when he began a few years ago, that it would be perfectly normal to feel homesick, lost, confused, even rather distressed, intermittently over the first term. And that he shouldn't assume that those feelings meant that boarding was a mistake. We also said that he should give himself at least two terms to feel settled.

He said at the end of the first term that it's important to make some friends quickly.
Is your DD someone who usually makes friends with relative ease or was that always going to be a struggle?

If you must be in contact every evening (!) can you get her to talk about other people at school (and the weird stuff they do) rather than herself? And try to wean her off nightly messages. Cut their frequency down gradually? She can't get into school business properly if she's spending the days thinking about what she'll say to you later.

I suspect that if you had not thought she'd cope you would have chosen something different - you'll know if she can get through this period. But she may be feeling that she needs you to do something drastic right now, before you disappear to the remote place.

Must you go at Christmas?

I was a boarder, not a parent of one.

It has been less than a week so far. She needs to give it until at least half term to settle in, make friends, and get busy.

I'm not convinced that messaging every day is great either, but accept that in these days of instant contact it may now be the accepted norm.

Hopefully once homework and clubs kick in properly she'll be too busy and tired to be too homesick. Try to get her to focus on what she is enjoying, rather than what she isn't.

Hope she and you feel better soon.