Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

Newbie, yes, I am going back to that thread too.

abear

My dd school also offer a sick bay night for children needing a good nights rest, I'm sure the other boys will have sympathy for him and bet some of them are home sick too.
Hopefully the boarders thread will continue as well, there are lots of lovely kind helpful people there too.

Well, I have egg on my face re my DP, because he actually didn't mind . And was quite happy hardly seeing his parents and staying with a (very loving) aunt and uncle and his cousin (who also boarded) in the holidays, along with his older brother. Bear in mind, though, that they had already had some notorious disruptions in their lives, including fleeing war and an imprisoned parent.

But I still don't buy the family excuse that 'there were no decent schools' on the entire subcontinent.

And DP, interestingly, says that when he and schoolfriends have met up, almost all of them say that however fond their memories of school, none of them would send their own children to board. I think, too, that it has inevitably affected his views on/capacity for family life. He finds a lot of the need to be hands-on a bit odd.

I am fairly sure that I know you and your family IRL...

So I'll put in my two pence worth. There is a perfectly adequate American school where you are going, with teachers trained in the US, and really good facilities. The school does the Advanced Placement exams, which are accepted for entry to a UK university. As your DD is bright, she will do really well in these, if you stay out there for five years, get lots of UCAS points and get into the university of her choice. Alternatively, you could keep her at post with you until she is 16+ and then send her back to UK to a school where she can do the IB. A 16 year old is much more emotionally mature and better able to cope with boarding than a 13 year old. Win-win all round with either scenario.

But please do not leave her in a boarding school where she is unhappy and go half way round the world, particularly if you are keeping DD2 with you. It will wreck your family dynamics forever.

And Whoregasm is bang on the nail with what she has said.

How did he feel about being sent away motherinferior?

sundress

I hope your dd is more settled, it must be so hard when they are unhappy.
Please come back and let us know.

I also doubt that this is the only decent English-language school for thousands of miles. My partner was sent to board in England for similar reasons and I still can't work out why he didn't go to the same school as my cousins, only a few hundred miles away...

I'm no snuggly Earth Mother type, either motherinferior. I'm really not. But in the circumstances the OP describes I wouldn't dream of choosing my husband over my daughter. And furthermore I know in the same circumstances my DH wouldn't dream of me leaving our DD either.

If I had to choose between living apart from my DH for a couple of months at a time, or leaving my 13 year old DD in a school thousands of miles away, knowing she is desperately unhappy, there would be no contest. My DD would come first.

This.

And I'm quite an uncaring sort of a mother.

Gosh that was long! Sorry!

OK - hang in there, it is very, very early days. DD1 started at her boarding school when we were still overseas, a few weeks before we relocated to the UK. She was the most miserable child on earth for the first 2-3 months. She was (and still is) a weekly boarder, but had to spend the first three weeks of term at school because we were still packing up and moving back. I had (wrongly) thought that this would be a good time for her to bond with her dorm mates, but in reality, most of the expat parents stayed in UK for a few weeks, so on two weekends, she was practically the only one in the dorm. We had tearful phone calls, all of which started with "I hate it here. Can I come home?" The texts and IM and skype calls were as bad.

It improved when we were back in UK (I realise you are going in the other direction, so this isn't helpful!) - I would sometimes pop down on the train after work and take her out to dinner midweek, and she came home at weekends. How many exeats are you going to be able to manage before you leave the country? Is there any chance you could stay behind for a little longer, so she could have a couple more with you, while your DH and DD2 head off together?

She has now been boarding for two years. I would say she is still not entirely, 100% happy, but she has a good group of friends, both boarders and non-boarders, and some weekends chooses to stay in the dorm, if they have fun stuff planned, rather than come home. The beginning of this term did not start well - we got back to the "I hate it here and want to come home" calls. This was largely because she had an accident and had to have an operation, so missed the first boarding induction weekend and first week of school, and couldn't participate in the outward bound activities of the second. Things are now better, she chose to stay in the dorm last weekend, and we seem to be back on an even keel.

I think you need to give it six months. When we got to six months, I felt that it was going to work out - the "I hate it here, can I come home" start to every phone call was followed by a laugh, and telling me what she had been doing. If she is still as miserable as sin, pull her out, and either send her to the local school where your DH is posted, do the online high school, or stay in UK with her and your DD. Is there any chance that your DH could pull out of his posting, and come back to UK, so that you could all be together? I realise this might harm his career, but sometimes you need to put your family first (we have taken the decision to stay in UK until DD1, at least, has finished her education). Or, you have lots of supportive family in UK - how about a school near where they live, where she can board weekly and see them at weekends? (DD2 boards near her grandparents and sometimes goes to them for the weekend, which she loves.) I think full boarding schools can be a mixed blessing - on the one hand, everyone is in the same boat, on the other, it is full on boarding, with no escape to a little bit of home life.

Anyway, good luck!

But, there is a way that 'most of the family can live together' surely? You stay living in the UK with both your DDs, and they attend a local good school, while your DH works abroad. He flies back when he can, and you all fly out to spend the holidays with him.

As a grown man I would assume he's far more fitted, both emotionally and psychologically to living without being surrounded by his family, than a young 13 year old girl is?

I doubt your DD will benefit that much from a great UK education, regardless of the school, if she is so desperately unhappy.

If I had to choose between living apart from my DH for a couple of months at a time, or leaving my 13 year old DD in a school thousands of miles away, knowing she is desperately unhappy, there would be no contest. My DD would come first.

I couldn't consign her to months and months, if not years, of being desperately unhappy. It would haunt me and I couldn't possibly enjoy myself or get on with life knowing she was suffering.

My DCs expat also so we have plenty of experience. It's not as easy as people think as they are unrecognised foreigners in their own country but there is lots you can do. PM if you need.

abear if it is of any comfort for you my DS2 has boarded since he was 7yrs and he always has a few tears when he is tired but absolutely loves his school and would never change from boarding. Trust the Matrons, they are usually fabulous, she is quite right it is often just tiredness. Think how little sleep kids get when they have a friend for a sleepover , now make that every night and throw school into the pot as well, yes they do get very tired but they are also happy and fulfilled too having the time of their lives. Keep smiling it does get a lot easier.

And you're not alone - plenty of handholding on the Boarders' thread.

Thanks Gruach

I'm sure he will feel better abear - try not to worry.

We've never (so far) had any indication of problematic homesickness - but IME lots of boys go down with mysterious bugs in the first few days of term and need a little sick bay rest to help them through.

And I'd be surprised if the other boys don't also try their best to help him settle in.

I have been reading this with interest. DS started boarding last Sunday. We have had some texts, phone calls (mostly asking for things!), but last night came the killer tear filled 'miss you so much' call. Matron also called and arranged for him to spend the night on his own in a sick bay type room as we all felt tiredness was involved. He called this morning and sounds much better. I did ask him when he was crying what he wanted to do and thankfully he didn't say he wanted to come home he said, 'I just want to go to sleep'. Matron was fantastic taking him from prep early and giving him the other room to sleep in. I just hope all the other boys are lovely to him today and tonight when he goes back. I am crossing my fingers that he just needed to get this out of his system and have a good cry and that now he will feel better.

I'm a boarding tutor for Senior Girls. Some girls do struggle - one of our Y13s told me she cries for the first few nights every time she returns. She also loves boarding and wouldn't want to change schools. I think you just need to give it time. Our overseas boarders don't seem to take any longer to settle than anyone else.
Hope it works out for you and your DD.

johmImonlydancung you seem to be assuming that because you were bullied at boarding school so is the OPs DD and all other boarders. I was bullied at a day school, I don't assume all who go to day school are bullied, My DS who's boarded for 10+ years has never been bullied, in fact not only is bullying treated very seriously by his school in fact most reputable boarding school treat it very seriously, there is at his school (and at many other boarding schools) a strong camaraderie between the boys so bullying is very frowned upon by the boys in particular any physical bullying. I'm not saying bullying doesn't exist in boarding schools (it also exists in day schools) but do not assume endemic.

Hello OP, my dd is due to board soon, so no experience.
However, as this is my biggest concern I have been asking parents, teachers, house masters/ mistresses and they all seem to agree on one point.

Apparently, it is much easier for younger ones to settle quickly, not the very young, but those who start around y7/ age 11. I was assured though that most settle within a short space of time, but for some it's a little longer.

The advice I was given was to allow 2 terms for them to settle, before considering removing them.

Everything will be new to her and making friends is daunting for some. My dds friend has just started 6th form boarding and she messaged dd she was lonely and scared to talk to people. This on top of the upheaval of her family moving will be worrying for her.
All you can do is wait until you are able to speak/ message her and reassure her that no matter where you live you are there for her.
Will she be home at half term or will she have a guardian?

It is also quite possible for children to laugh and joke and then cry themselves to sleep when the housemistress isn't there to see. Most bullying in my case took place in the dorm once the lights were out and the housemistress was nowhere around.

Oh, and we spoke on the phone once a week if that (limited phone contact with the country where my parents lived). Post took about a month to get there if it got there at all. Definitely didn't have 'too much contact' with my parents.

Agree with SirVix. I boarded for two years (there was no schooling for 11 + in the country where my parents lived). I was extremely lonely and unhappy and it had a lasting negative effect on me. I remember at the weekends looking at all the 'normal' children who were allowed to live with their parents and wishing I could have some respite from the bullying (I told my parents about the bullying, they complained to the housemistress, who talked to the bullies, result was that the bullying got worse since I was seen as a sneak - didn't tell my parents again. do not assume your child will tell you everythign that goes on, they may be keeping themselves safe by keeping quiet). I appreciate that you feel boarding is the only option, but if there is any way of keeping your child with you, I would strongly advise that since she is so unhappy. The best education in the world will be useless to her if she becomes shy and anxious and depressed as a result of this experience (which is what happened to me). Or is there another boarding school she could try at? Boarding schools differ a good deal. At least please take her feelings seriously.