Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

Only on MN can complete strangers accuse you of being a neglectful uncaring parent because you send your DC to a boarding school.
Over the years I've met many parents who themselves wouldn't board their children but not one has ever suggested that I don't care about my DC's because it so bloody obvious that I do or suggest that boarding will turn them into seriously damaged individuals who are unable to form close relationships with others and will be hands off parents (that's a new one).
I work with dysfunctional crap so "hands off" parents that are neglecting their children, weirdly not one has been to boarding school. I also know a few wealthy MC parents, (who are very successfully keeping under the radar of SS) who are so wrapped up in the their work/personal lives that they are very hands off boardering on neglectful, none of those have been to boarding schools, most have children at day schools being looked after all hours by au pairs childminders etc and there children would probably be better off at a boarding school.
You cannot generalise, what works for one doesn't work for others, their are crap parents and unhappy children in day and boarding schools, conversely there are very happy children in boarding schools and day schools who have excellent loving happy relationships with parents.
One of the positives about boarding is that it teaches you that we're all different that there is more than one road to Rome and that we don't all have to do things the same way. It also teaches you tolerance.

My dd shares a room with 2 other girls one is the same school year the other is a year younger in Y6.
It's hard to get a word in edgeways when we skype as they are all 3 very roudy.
At weekend they usually have a variety of fun activities arranged by the house masters.
They go to local attractions, play games, pizza and film, cinema, theatre, ice skating and other local facilities. You can have them accompanied to church if you like.
You can visit and take them out anytime you like, as long as they have nothing of importance to do.
The thing I like best is that out of all 3 of our dc, dd will be the only one where it will be easy to take an interest and support what she is learning. The state schools our other dc attended were dismal and it was almost impossible to navigate the mess the schools offered.

Only in the inverse reality of MN can actually 'wanting to live day to day with your own child' be disparaged as micro managing and overly controlling. Only on MN

Well my DS shared a room up until yr 12 sometimes 8 in the room but frankly neither he nor I could care less, he personally doesn't play hockey but I'm sure some do spent a wet cold Saturday afternoon playing it but then only because they want to as there is no compulsory or main sport at his school and he's not gone to Disney Land (my and his idea of hell on earth) or the equally awful Harty Potter with the school either senior or prep. I suspect I'm not a very hands on parent either I genuinely have never felt a need to micro manage my DC's lives I have enough trouble managing my own, but we have an excellent and close loving relationship with each other. He has a myriad of opportunities that he would never have had at a day school state or independent and most importantly he's a happy well adjusted, emotionally perceptive pcaring individual who's receiving an intellectually challenging education, that's good enough for me.

"And weekend trips to Disneyland Paris and Harry Potter are also attainable for children who are growing up within the family home every day."

Of course they are, LaQueen. But my point was that boarding school today is not like in the past where you have umpteen beds to a room, cold baths/showers, weekends full of hockey on a cold wet pitch. They do try to make it quite nice for the children.

BertrandRussell

I can only speak for myself and maybe our situation is different, but the end result is the same i.e a dd who boards.

Our dd loves her school and looks at it as a second home and a second family having finally found a school where she fits in and isn't considered weird or a freak. She is surrounded by like minded people and is even asking to stay at weekends now.
I love my dd like nothing else in this world and I miss her terribly.
As parents we had to make this difficult decision and for us it had nothing to do with social status.
Until recently I had never met a boarder/ family of a boarder and not been in a financial position to consider it with any of our children.

Sorry Bert neither post was for you

You didn't touch a nerve- because you didn't make sense! You might have done if your point had been comprehensible.

Whore

We have gone from 24/7 as we H. edded our dd to her boarding.
I can assure you I'm more hands on now than i have been for years.
She talks openly to me, we spend more time together as a family at the weekends, she skypes me every night.
I know exactly what she is doing at school during each hour, not like our local state schools.
She worked out that with holidays, weekends, exeat and long weekends she will be at home far more than at school.
I have no idea where you get your 2/3 of the year from.
Have you visited a boarding school recently?

Dearie me looks like I've touched a nerve. So you are allowed an opinion and others are not. Sounds like you are allowed to judge and wield the axe but when someone else offers an opinion you turn to scoffing. Incredibly defensive behaviour. Give the family a chance to settle. I am sure they will do what's necessary if and when it's necessary and because they have thought it through rather than feeling pressured into it by others. They don't need a guilt trip.

What I have never understood (and I come from a social class where boarding, at least for boys, is considered quite normal) is why it is seen as desirable that a 13 year old should get over wanting to be with her family. 13 year olds are supposed to be with their families!

Well, quite Brioche.

So, some children are growing up in emotionally distant families, despite all living under the same roof?

So is the solution to send all children away to boarding school to stop such things happening?

It frankly astounds me that clearly educated, articulate people proffer such spurious justifications for choosing to live apart from their own child for two thirds of the year.

I have met plenty of families who are physically in the same house and yet are emotionally miles apart and absolutely not hands on despite that closeness. And I'm not sure that all non boarders are growing up in the daily structure of normal family life. What an ideal world that would be. Read the papers, there Are plenty of non boarding kids growing up in less than ideal family conditions.

what the heck has that got to do with anything?

I'm sure you have overseasmum. But we're not talking about that.

I was refencing the posters who describe themselves as being normal, loving, engaged parents who are 'very hands on'.

And yet through personal choice have elected to spend two thirds of the year living many, many miles, if not whole countries, apart from their child.

To me, it's a contradiction in terms. How can you possibly describe yourself as very hands on and closely engaged in your child's life when you live in another country to them for most of the year.

You can't 'give it a year!!'
have you forgotten how much slower time passes when you are a child, let alone an unhappy one! If she hasn't signifiantly improved after 6 weeks you need to pull her out.
It must be some job to put it before your DD!

I still shudder at the memory of homesickness - the only other time I have been so utterly miserable has been as a result of the deaths of close family members, and miscarriages. The fact that I remember it so vividly after decades speaks volumes for the effect it had on me. Though I more or less recovered each time, for a long time it came back in all its glory each time I returned to school after a home visit or holidays. Yes, there were times when I enjoyed school and I had opportunities I would not have had at home - but, having said that, they were in general opportunities that would have been available at a good day school. I would only subject my child to that if I had absolutely no alternative.

I have met plenty of families who are physically in the same house and yet are emotionally miles apart and absolutely not hands on despite that closeness. And I'm not sure that all non boarders are growing up in the daily structure of normal family life. What an ideal world that would be. Read the papers, there Are plenty of non boarding kids growing up in less than ideal family conditions.

Boarding school probably has changed in the last generation. But they are still filled with children who aren't growing up within the daily structure of a normal family life.

And I fail to see how any boarding school parent can be 'very hands on' with their child when their child is physically many miles away, if not a continent away, for two thirds of the year?

And weekend trips to Disneyland Paris and Harry Potter are also attainable for children who are growing up within the family home every day.

I agree with Happy - boarding today is not what it was when we were at school. Both of my DDs have their own room, and share a bathroom between two, so they have some privacy. The boarders have their own kitchens, so they can bake cakes, have some toast, sandwiches, fruit etc. They can go into town if they wish, provided there are two of them (or there is usually a houseparent who is happy to run them into town to go to Boots or Sainsbury's). The weekend trips for full boarders are amazing - DD1 has been to Harry Potter World, and they are going to Disneyland Paris soon. I know Disneyland doesn't compensate for going home to Mum and Dad at night, but they have great fun, and there is always a lot going on, if they want to do it.

Good luck Sundress.

"And DP, interestingly says, that when he and school friends met up also most all of them say however fond their memories of school none of them would send their children to board."
"Interestingly" many of the fathers at my DS's prep school had not only boarded themselves they'd boarded at the same school. I cant comment about how many fathers at Winchester were boarders there themselves because I don't know that many parents but I do quite a few mothers and fathers whose children go to other boarding schools who also boarded as children through to 18. I do seem some parents who've boarded who are rather hands off but then I also see some parents who've never boarded who are also very hands off. But let's face it if your stumping up 36k+ per child per year in school fees then one of you (rightly or wrongly) most likely the father is likely to working in a job with very long hours so is likely to be "hands off".
There are so many largely anecdotal stories about boarding and parents of boarding school children or stories based on "DP" "DB" "BIL's" experience 30+ years ago (boarding has changed considerably in the last 15 years) I've spent 11+ years with a DS at boarding school and inevitably know many children and parents in the same position, most families are just like those with children at day schools, some are happy some some are not, many are obviously very close with very committed and hands on parents other are less so, the vast majority of children I know are happy at boarding school although some of course aren't, when it does not appear to be resolving (most are advised to give it two terms) these are usually moved by their parents to either a day school or another boarding school.
It's early days OP give it time as you would if a child was at a day school.

Sundress, this must be an upsetting time for you. My only advice is try to get it into perspective. She has been there less than two weeks. The first bit is the hardest for some DCs. I am sure you will have thought about backup plans and Plan B etc and you don't need other people to tell you about that. Just keep being supportive I hope it goes well. On balance I think it probably will, but if it doesn't you and your family will make you own mind up. All best wishes.

I do agree that the logic of this situation is difficult to understand, given that the only member of the family who has to go abroad is your husband, OP. You've acknowledged the undesirability of the children having to keep moving schools, but you seem to be happy to continue subjecting your younger child to that. I also agree that others' experience of boarding isn't necessarily representative given that the majority of boarders can make visits home at least every three weeks and can expect visits for school events, and your DD won't be able to. It will make it more difficult for her in the second term when she sees all her friends going home and she knows she's stuck with relatives who, no matter how lovely they are, are not her Mum and Dad.

I would have thought it infinitely more sensible to make your base in one country and for you to stay there with the children whilst your DH visits as much as possible. What you'd pay on flights would be covered by what you save on boarding. Perhaps he could also work towards finding himself a posting in an area where he can stay at least till the DC finish secondary school so that the family can be together and they can have stability without being forced to board?

It sounds like you are very confident on your decision. She is still a child and seems to need her family more than anything. Have you taken her opinion into account?

I would give her a term not a year.

All the boarders I have met said the first year was hard but they got used to it; they also say they will never send their children boarding. Some of them happen to be quite anxious people; just wondering whether boarding have anything to do with that or whether boarding was right for them.

It is important to know whether your children are right for boarding as someone said; forcing them into something is not for them can cause more damaged than help. Can she try when she is 16 and a bit more matured?

abear What are you apologising for?
We are all in this, like one big happy family and it's great to get support from lots of threads.
I'm just so glad the recent threads haven't been sabotaged, it has to be a first.

Sorry NewLife!