Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

No need whatsoever for you to feel terrible NewLife, and I apologise profusely if I have upset you.

But your circumstances are totally different to the OP's. They really are. The OP's daughter clearly doesn't want to be at boarding school and is very distressed. And yet for reasons yet unexplained, the OP is forcing her DD to deal with feeling deeply unhappy, and to adjust to being alone, and living every day not surrounded by her family.

Rather than expecting her own husband, a grown man, to deal with loneliness and not living with his family every day.

Why a young 13 year old girl is being expected to suffer like this, yet the husband isn't, is a mystery to me?

And, as daily Skype-ing, and emails and texts are such wonderfully warm, satisfying means of communication. And if you can enjoy really wonderful, special family times together during school holidays, which really make up for living apart all term...............then WTF can't the OP and her DH Skype each other, share lots of texts and emails and really enjoy quality time together during the holidays?????

Nope.

Simply can not be bothered.

"This thread is making me feel terrible."

Why? Your dd made the decision to board herself based on a particular set of circumstances- no other school could provide her with what she needs and wants, and she is within striking distance of home. Couldn't be more different to the OP.

This thread is making me feel terrible.

My dc have never been an inconvenience to me and I would never contemplate boarding school for these reasons.
Also, it isn't more convenient for me or dh we are at home and able to care for her most of the time. In fact I have a lot fewer responsibilities than working parents I know, and still see dd more than some, even though she boards.

Only a very small proportion of parents (in RL and probably in this thread) are actually in the position that considering the rights or wrongs of modern day boarding for their DC is actually relevant to their decision about schools. Most can't afford it (increasingly fewer compared to previous generations) or their DC would n't be in a position to compete for a bursary. Even if parents fall into one of those categories of being able to financially consider it they may live close enough to a very good day option for them never to really consider boarding seriously. It amuses me the interest that these threads generate when it is not really a real-life decision for most posters.

I've also had two ex boyfriends and a fair few colleagues who attended boarding school. I think there were emotional problems with most of them. One even committed suicide a few years ago.

Boarding schools' marketing is unlike anything I've ever seen. It's hard not to be impressed with the glossiness and general fabulousness. We often get brochures sent to us (not sure why) and you really do feel that it would be a fantastic choice for any dc. One of them talks about their school being a 'golden thread' throughout their lives
I think there are still huge pitfalls and I personally wouldn't choose it for my DC. A cursory glance at the Boarding School Survivors website is more than sufficient antidote to the glossy marketing.

Got to agree with you all the way on this one Bertrand.

What many parents deem 'necessary' about boarding their child, is in fact 'just more convenient' for them.

Most parents accept that having children is going to bring inconveniences along the way.

But the many pleasures and benefits of actually sharing your life with them, every day, is worth the inconvenience.

happy I do know parents who don't much care one way or the other, or perhaps to put it differently, have made their decision and that's that.

Don't forget when most of us were deciding on secondary schools your DC were already boarding. So you weren't seeing parents daily like some of us.

And there are definitely parents who will not countenance anything but X school whatever their DC may feel. There are those who can't see that their DC are just saying what their parents want to hear (though they tell their mates something different). There are parents who quite simply believe X school is the best in the world so that's where they're going. Or it suits their working lives so that's that.

These people are not bad people. In fact they would say they are doing their very best for their DC. That the education they will receive trumps everything else.

I heartily disagree with them.

Oh, come on, happygardening! I know you have a huge amount invested in boarding being wonderful, but surely you must be able to see that leaving a child behind at boarding school while her parents and siblings go off to start a new life thousands of miles away is a bad idea and should be avoided it at all possible?

OP- find a way to take her with you, or stay in this country and let your Dp be the one who has to manage life only seeing his family every 3 months. He's a grown up. He can do it.

I do think the simplest solution is to stay in the UK.

But "maybe not" bloody autocorrect.

In your world Bertrand but ,at e not in the OP's thankfully we are all different.
joni I'm sorry your young relative had this experience/outcomes me but thus is not the experience or outcome for all who boar. If it was parents wouldn't do it.

Hmm. Let me think. Leave a child at boarding school and move thousands of miles away with her siblings or have a go at home educating perhaps in conjunction with whatever school is available in the new home country. No brainer as far as I am concerned.

A young relative of mine (not my own dc) attended boarding school as she excels in a particular sport and was offered an attractive scholarship. We all felt it was an offer that could not be refused. Several years down the line I think it was a mistake. I really believe that no matter how much contact you maintain with the child via Skype etc, the relationship the child has with the parents is never the same after boarding school. I think that she has changed a lot and it isn't all positive.

Maybe the OP doesn't feel she has the skills to home ed? I'm not anti home ed and am quite well educated but I wouldn't like to home ed a child of senior school age on a long term basis. Even if she has the skills homing eding just like boarding definitely isn't for everyone. It must have an impact on the relationship between you and your DC how hard to be a parent one minute then a proper teacher the next. I know it can be done but its not for everyone.

Actually, going back to the OP: OP, you aren't working, are you? So home edding or staying in the UK with your younger daughter are both feasible. Depends what you want, of course. But boarding isn't the only option if it's not working out.

I've never said it was better for my DC not to live with his family but I don't and in fact won't accept that it's the emotionally damaging disaster than so many portray it to be. "Who knew?" I know because I've one at home and therefore can make an informed comparison and yes I do get on with and am also very close to the one who is at home and who I spend evenings/weekends with.
We send our DS2 to boarding school school because it caters for his individual educational needs, I agree with point 1 Shesgot if we had exactly the same option as a day school in sensible commuting distance we would have seriously considered it, although I honestly can't say we would have definitely chosen an identical except day school over DS2's boarding because basically it can't be identicle because quite simply day schools can't offer what boarding schools offer unless they are boarding schools with a handful of day pupils and I wouldn't have wanted my DS to be in this situation.
Having spent over 11 years with DC's in boarding school I have never once met a parent who doesn't give "a shit either way" and who takes the view that they've chosen X school, they DC is going and they're going to get on with it come what may regardless. They're are cheaper ways of fucking your children up! If you stand on the side of any prep school rugby pitch you'll quickly discover that most parents agonise for months and even years over their choice of school most are looking for the right fit for themselves and their DCs, they are desperately trying to find out exactly what ethos is that underpins individual schools behind glossy prospectus, flash websites and showy open days and every year when my DS's were at prep I used to hear of a hear of at least one who'd moved move their DC's after a couple of terms because they were unhappy.
You may of course ShesGot genuinely know of parents at boarding school with a different approach but this is my very extensive experience of parents.

I know a number of parents who work so many hours and have moved so many times that frankly it would be better for their DC if they did board.

But having said that, I would still prefer my DC not to. In fact my DC have always been in schools where some boarded - but mine did not. For me it is not an optimal environment for a child. Yes, it might be better than that child's alternative (home alone/crap school whatever) but that doesn't make it good enough for my children.

The parents of boarders I know tend to fall into three camps.

1. The ones who found just the right school for their DC and it happened to be boarding. They wish it were not so but absolutely make the best of it.

1. The ones who dance around saying how utterly marvelous boarding is. How it turns out it's better for DC not to live with their DC. Who knew? How terribly close they are (much closer than families who spend each evening and weekend together, who mostly don't get on you know). How terribly independent their DC are (which it turns out is majorly important at 7/11/13).

1. The ones who don't give a shit either way. They've chosen X school. It's a great school. Their DC are going and they're going to like it come what may.

Bertrand I am perfectly aware that many parents go to work and don't send their children to boarding school, obviously this applies to the vast majority. But the suggestion that you home ed a child is only of any relevance to someone who doesn't go to work through necessity and or choice.
To be around to observe your DC everyday when he/she comes in the door to see what sort of day they've had implies four things, you work only nights or short shifts which finish in time to enable you to be at home by 4, you work part time, you work from home or you don't work. Most people I know with children at senior school who go to work are at work at 4 pm, many don't get home till 7, 8, 9, o'clock at night if not later. Many travel with their jobs. So they are not around carefully obseving their child's mood (I would also question whether this is necessary) every time they come in the door from school.
There are an increasing number of foreign children full boarding in UK boarding schools, all will have siblings and families have different experiences at home, most I talk to genuinely believe that they have been given an wonderful opportunity to receive a significantly better and significantly broader education than they would receive in their own countries most are also exceedingly grateful to their parents for paying for it and are usually hard working and keen to participate in all boarding offers.
I have no idea where the OP is moving too but she feels the education is not of a sufficiently high standard or maybe she doesn't like its ethos and just maybe it would be fair to assume that she discussed it with her DD and all the implications and that between them they agreed boarding would be better. Ok so now she's home sick but as everyone who knows someting about boarding in 2015 keeps saying give her a chance to settle down i.e. two terms then review the situation not one person has said ignore her and leave her to be miserable for rest of her school career whilst you swan off to another country and have lots of new and exciting experiences. I'm pretty sure if this was a parent with a child who was miserable at a day school most would be giving the same advise: it's early days, give her a chance to settle, it's all new etc etc. I personally believe that children need to learn that in life things often get better if you give them a fair chance but you do have to give it a fair chance before bailing out. Two weeks whether it be school, work, a new hobby, or a new dog is not giving something a fair chance.

Yes why don't you home ed then you'll be able to supervise her every waking moment, observe every nuance every facial expression, all her non verbal communications every subtle intonation every mannerism. You'll know all about her lessons, course work, prep.
Let's hope you don't have career plans or ambitions or even just need a job to make ends meet?
I sometimes think I'm the only one on here who's goes out to work through both choice and necessity.

Could you home educate her instead? There's a lot to be said for families being together

I am very very close to my DS whose at boarding school, we were exceptionally close to each other before he went and boarding has not has a negative impact on how close we are.
Of course it may effect some relationship but my DH who didn't board is not close to his mother at all and he often feels he would have had a better relationship with his mother if he boarded.
You cannot generalise each and every family is different.

I don't do Skype so no "polished and performed interaction" I'm afraid.
If I find out in the morning thar my was DS is sick in the night I'm fine with this, there are other people equally as capable as I am and who care around him who'll deal with it.
I've never expected daily feedback on lessons (do you really expect or need this Whoregasm?) I'm sorry in my book any parents whether their child is at a day school or boarding school who reads course layouts and break down of lessons etc is micro managing their children's lives. We get three reports a year which I briefly look at. Just to add I never did this with DS1 who was at home. I'm just not that kind of parent.
You can tell what sort of day they've had by the way they walk in the door You clearly don't go to work in many parents world mine included they are not always there when DC walks in the door. My job regularly: two to three times a month means I'm away from home for 24 hours.
I don't know what the hell "textured" family life is but I do know that our family life is a very happy one, that we are completely secure in our love for each other and the bonds between us are very strong. We are quite simply a very happy easy going warm caring eccentric family nothing more nothing less. Boarding hadn't made us like this, it's just how we are.
My point about dysfunctional families which I suspect your being deliberately obtuse about is that not one dysfunctional family I've met in 30 years either the parents boarded or the children boarded, sending your children to boarding doesn't mean you are or that it's going to make you a dysfunctional family.
I find it extraordinary that anyone can remain so dogmatic despite endless parents telling you a different persepctive from your opinion based on their current experience. Are you saying we're all wrong? I find that a very arrogant stance to take. I have absolutely no problem with the fact that you might not want to send your DC's to a boarding school because you don't think it would work for you but why criticise parents who it clearly is working for especially when you don't personally know the children or the families. Why do you assume that only you know how to be a good and effective parent?