About to start Yr 9, still no friends.

Right, this is nasty stuff.

If it was me I would be right in there kicking up a stink. And I am one of those parents who prefers to let kids fight their own battles as far as possible.

She will get no further socially with this group unless they get a complete rocket from the staff for being cliquey. The ringleader (and there will be one) needs to be managed out of the situation, if not the school.

Do you not think that perhaps this needs escalating with the school. Maybe I'm wrong, but moving away from somebody who sits next to you, just to isolate them is v nasty. I think after all you have said, I would now be making an appointment with her head of year?

I agree with you re not going down the social meida line - bullying can be exacerbated there, and being left out/ignored is just as bad.

I really would urge you to look at the school's anti-bullying policy as well speaking to/emailing your dd's tutor/HOY/SenCo.

It won't be resolved overnight but the children who were carrying out low level bullying to my child got the shock of their lives when they were called out of class for a meeting to discuss the situation.

I second what bettyberry said about going to extra-curricular clubs/doing activities together. She may come out of her shell a bit with some moral support rather than starting something new on her own? I'm not sure whether this is an option, based on health, but could you go to a gym together and do classes like body combat or Zumba that can help to relieve stress and build her confidence? They always offer a light option and some gyms do teen membership. Just an idea and like I say it may not be suitable.

Also starting her options may build her confidence and let her mingle with people she didn't before.

I do hope things improve, it sounds really hard. If it's any consolation my sister was very much the outsider at secondary school and then went to a different sixth form where she met a whole group of lovely, likeminded girls and they are all still in touch years later! It only takes a small change xx

If you could find an out of school group that's separate from your DD's school - minimising the chances of any of her classmates being there - would that be better for your DD, if she's worrying about more bullying?

Or maybe even an extra-curricular class of some sort, where the focus is mainly on learning a new skill, rather than socialising and / or teamwork? That might not be as good for making new friends, but friendly interactions during a class might build her confidence up enough to try a more social type of group?

Have you looked at ... anti bullying policy, behaviour policy and the complaints procedure?

If certain girls are basically instructing other classmates not to speak to her or not to go into town with her, and hacking her social media accounts, this is bullying and needs to be dealt with. The school has not dealt properly with this at all. It is not enough to wring hands and say they can't make other girls talk to her - she is being systematically and quite harshly actively excluded from the sound of things and the school needs to intervene more and knock it on the head. I don't what what planet they are on, just ignoring it. It sounds like absolutely classic female to female bullying.

Meanwhile guides might be good, as someone else suggested.

Definitely talk to the school. The school we were working with did try and help but I think too there were other issues going on and some things didn't get picked up or maybe the schools also just hope the kids will just sort themselves out. It's totally unfair when kids huddle around a computer and exclude one for example. And it's totally unfair but I think not uncommon for some of these kids to find a friend then have other kids offer an ultimatum. I do t know what the answers are and I wish I knew because unhappy kids is something we don't like to see as parents. Sometimes it's just the school environment. Can you talk to her about the mixed school? When I was growing up (at a girls school) there was a girl who always got picked on (she wasn't in my classes but I noticed she had few/no friends and I think the other kids just fired all their angst at her... I cannot remember exactly) but her parents moved her schools in the end and she moved to a mixed school (and not considered the better school out of the two in our area) however this girl made loads of friends and was the most popular girl by the time she finished school. Everyone wanted to be her friend. I'm not saying that will happen but it just shows that you never can tell. At some schools certain behaviors are acceptable and at others they are not. The above examples you mentioned are definitely forms of bullying (purposefully being excluded by groups of kids). So if she cannot move schools definitely have a talk with the school and get her form group or common group changed. This will mean she mixes with or has classes with a different bunch of kids. This way she may find that friend who is a whole lot more like her. Sometimes that other child is there in the school but they just haven't really had the chance to get to know each other and realize they can be great friends. It can still happen for her :)
I hope it all works out xxx

Is there a reason why she doesn't want to be on Instagram? It would be an obvious way of connecting with girls from school (or out of school from clubs) when she is ill and during the holidays.

Sorry to hear this CarmenMonoxide.

I would speak to your dd's tutor, Head of Year and/or SenCo to see if they can help with this situation. And I agree, moving tutor groups may be an option.

My eldest dc had a low level bullying situation a couple of years ago and one day actually refused to go to school. I emailed the school and it was immediately dealt with by a member of the SLT and a Welfare/Teaching Assistant.

Its an option at the end of each year a DD school ... Def worth an ask, and ask school if there are any other lonely girls who may need a friend

I hope that the op went well and your daughter's health is improving.
I'm a Guide leader and I can totally see why your daughter would be concerned about joining a group where she probably thinks the girls are all best friends already, but we have lots of girls who join at all ages without a friendship group and the higher ratio of adults to kids than at school means that we are really on top of friendship stuff and spend a lot of time behind the scenes making sure that people aren't excluded. Also, once she's 14 she could be a ranger or explorer scout so she wouldn't be going into a big established group. Those groups give some girls a lot of social support.
I imagine the exact same can be said about lots of sports groups and other interest groups.
I hope this school year is a much better one. Keep on at school because this isn't right at all.
Oh and yes however biased you are, your daughter DOES sounds very lovely.

Can she change tutor group? So avoid these domineering ... mares?

I would also second a change of schools, each school has a different ethos. Some are more caring... i moved DD2 - 5 weeks before the end of term and havent seen her most of the holidays.... she has a different friend calling most day. She had a leaving party and none of her `old friends have called, although they all came to the party. DD1 was bullied and its so painful as a parent to witness.

Why would she not want to be with boys?

My daughter is very similar, and tbh being in a all girls school would finish my daughter off, she only has 3 or 4 friends, all of them are boys apart from one girls who is very similar to dd1, girls can be very bitchy and they seem to pick up on differences more than boys do.

I hope returning to school isn't too hard for your dd, it's horrible having to send them in when you know they are not happy.

OK, There are lots of things you could do. First is to keep encouraging those clubs. It doesn't even have to be a kids club! I know a fair few knitting and sewing groups locally when mums and daughters go along. It really might not be your thing but in terms of building up her confidence groups like this would be a fab way to start with you there. Her safety net so to speak.

Try Saturday workshops. Our local museum runs craft ones. I know its not getting her new friends but you need to introduce her to new things in a safe way and this is probably the only way to start unless someone can suggest anything else.

Book groups. There are ones for teens in some local libraries even ones aimed at parents and teens and read young adult novels and discuss them.

Try anything and everything where you can go together that isn't at home. Retreating home and staying there is probably part of the problem. Work of the confidence and self esteem and the friends should follow.

by the way, I was your daughter when younger. Bullied intensely for years (paint in my bag beaten up etc) and The one thing that helped me with my confidence issues was a drama class and a change in school. It allowed me to become me. Perhaps it might be something for her to re consider once the confidence and esteem improves.

Oh, the poor love! The only thing I can suggest is joining lots of lunchtime clubs, sothat at least she doesn't feel lonely .

There is usually a lot of competitivness in school, which doesnt happen in clubs... they are also less of a clique. Seriously look into some clubs. DD had a girl join her club, she was shy and socially awkward, and DD didnt take to her straight away ... roll on 6 months and they are best buddies. Do you allow her to go to town alone (but with friends) pictures etc .. only a lot of kids cant/wont so the invites get dropped ... is this an issue?