About to start Yr 9, still no friends.

^ that's a really good point. When our kids hit a low like this they think it will only be the same or worse elsewhere. It takes a while for this belief to undo but a change of school can and will this.

I can't help thinking that the only reason your dd could possibly be refusing to leave that school is that her self esteem has reached such a low point that she doesn't believe things could be any better anywhere else. Why does she have so much against going to a school with boys in it? The bullying she is at the receiving end of is classic girl-on-girl bitchiness and exclusion, from which there can be no respite once it takes hold in an all-girls' school. Also, I disagree with those who think that a smaller school would be better. The atmosphere of a school has nothing whatsoever to do with its size and everything to do with its ethos. At least a larger school means more people from among whom to find a soul mate. Why not at least look at other schools? You don't have to move her if the only alternatives appear to be even worse at pastoral care than her current one.

That was meant to be a sad face not a passive aggressive double question mark

Sallyhasleftthebuilding, it may well be because the mothers are the same. I was told a story as a humourous anecdote by one such mother (a doctor!) about her daughter and friends sneaking to the cinema to avoid having to take a supposed friend who suffers from panic attacks ("attention seeking")??

It was very depressing and showed me things from the other side. My dd is also friendless and struggles badly socially, no one will help her.

Wish there was a magic answer for all of them....

I do wonder why the hell parents arent talking to their kids about these things. No you dont ignore/snigger/bitch about anyone because the only person it reflects badly on is them..... I would not be impressed if my kids were like this.

Writing a diary is such a good idea. There may not be anything that in violation would sound very serious, but the OP's dd may be suffering death by a thousand cuts type of bullying.

CarmenI think my dd1 (year 10) would get on very well with yours. That's just the sort of thing she would like to join.

I think I disagree with your dh for now.
I think I'd pick out "little" incidents like that to show how she is generally treated. It's things like that that really are difficult to deal with though because if asked the girls will probably say something like "oh the seat was wet/dirty/in the sun/some other made up excuse" as to why they didn't want to sit there. Not that anyone will believe them, but it's hard to do something then.

I think I'd take a week and get her to write down all incidents like that. Who she sat with at lunch, anything said etc. and present it to head of year, and see the response. If the response is anything other than total sympathy and action, then take her out.

Dd1 actually has always had boys she gets on with. It helps that she's very good at maths and science, but they're not rough and tumble lads. More sit and discuss avidly a maths' problem (or complain about the maths' teacher!). They set them into single sex groups last year as an experiment, and she hated it-but actually several of the lads said to her they missed her in the lesson too. They campaigned to get back together this year and they have listened.

Could you squeeze fees for private? Not that I'm saying no state school will cope, but you can choose a small school that much more an eye can be kept on her, and her confidence and grow.
Dm taught at a very small (50 children in whole school 5-16yo) for which there were always a number of pupils who hadn't coped with the size of a bigger school. they usually came for a couple of years, confidence grew and they went back to the (different) big schools and had no problems.

Children hardly ever want to move schools even though they are unhappy. I know you're not looking for more opinions but just move her. She'll thank you when she's older. I think all girls schools can be hellish. She may have a picture of all boys being rough and tumble and confident but in reality this isn't the case. Your dd may even find a new best friend who is a boy...

Oh and I wouldn't say don't go for Guides, but here they go up when they're 14yo, and most leave before year 9, so I'm not sure it would be the best extra curricular activity to do.
What about sea scouts or something a bit different?

I've got a dd in year 10 who doesn't sound dissimilar.
She went knowing almost no one and certainly no one she regarded as friends. It's a fairly standard mixed comp.

She got taken under the wing of a lovely girl for a time. Unfortunately lovely girl had a no-so-lovely best friend from the old school who was happy for them to be friends but when they started doing things together reacted very badly. Lovely girl moved away part way through year 8 unfortunately too.

But having described herself as "going round with a group who put up with me" at the beginning of year 9, over this summer she got onto a group text messaging set from one of her classes and has been texting them-and they've been texting her too.
This year she's referred to a couple of people as "My friends", so I'm hopeful that she now has a crowd she's accepted by.

And this does fit in with an older girl's description of secondary. She said she didn't have friends at school until year 9 when they started to set for things (and drop subjects they don't like) and she was mixing more with the rest of the year, and in year 10 she made strong friendships.

Gosh teenage girls can be such bitches.

Honestly I know you said your DD does not want to move but my experience of schools is that much less bitching goes on in mixed sex schools. When I was a teenager a lot of my friends were boys.

Your poor DD

Your poor DD. Mine has had a rocky start in Y11 due to friendship issues. Girls can be such cows.

Carmen, your DD's experience sounds like mine at school. Unless someone wanted to copy my work, I was treated like shit. My mum did nothing and I never said anything to any teachers so I didn't make my treatment worse. It was an all girls' school. I didn't smell, I wasn't rude, mean, or bitchy, but still no friends.

The best thing I did was move schools (not till 6th form, mind). I got on with boys as friends a lot better; they're a lot less mean and don't ostracise for some imagined flaws or slights.

OP, please tell your DD that things will get better. I did have some friends through Guides, which helped.

Agree with others, a larger mixed sec school would probably be better.

Could she do a taster day to see how she gets on?

I would be worried leaving her in the current school environment.

(Should say, werewolf seems to be round here what D&D was back when I was a teen . . . they're not actually running around eating people )

Another voice to say maybe a larger mixed school might be just what your dd needs. My dd has just started year 9, although she probably wouldn't admit to any of the boys being her friends (!), she sits with a boy from up the road on the bus, plays werewolf at lunchtime with a geeky group that is probably 80% boys, you get the picture.

There is likely to be a few girls in your DDs position, even in small schools you get a couple of students who don't quite fit in. Could you ask if your form tutor could recommend a 'friend' for her? There can't be 100 nasty girls in the school, there must be some with a strong enough character to ignore the few that are, and befriend her? Or at least, that are also feeling isolated, and they can buddy up together?

I also think some of the problem could be that it's an all girls school. Girls can be soo bitchy. Y9 is your last chance to change schools before GCSEs start so it's definitely worth considering if there are any options near you. You say she doesn't want to move but maybe explore that a bit more?

I also second clubs etc. Do you have a local parkrun? You can walk it to start with, it's a great way of making friends, people are very friendly and will chat especially if you go off for coffee after the run/walk. All ages take part.

My ds is in year 8 and is also a bit of a round peg in a square hole. He does not seem to be unhappy but also did not see any school friends during the summer. He goes to scouts, and likes the people in his swimming group so that is good. He also does athletics but concentrates on a discipline that is more female-dominated so he hasn't really made any friends there, I am thinking of suggesting he does running as well so he gets to meet more boys of his own age.

Also do you do any outside activities where you meet people who might have children her age who you might be able to connect her with? Even if you just all meet up for coffee at your house and they might hang out a bit and find they get on? OK it sounds a bit like match-making but you need to consider all strategies to meet people.

The school is wrong and about to make things worse.

The girls who refused to sit near her need calling in and telling in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable in their school. Likewise it is not acceptable to leave a classmate to go hungry and not share. They need to be told that if the school gets wind of it ever happening again, to anyone, then they will be excluded.

Ahhh, that's absolutely awful CarmenMonoxide and definitely needs escalating as it is bullying. Social isolation is a form of bullying and needs to be dealt with swiftly. The school should take this very seriously.

Your poor DD - what a brave brave girl still going to school.

Nooo! That is not ok for your daughter. Gee, I get so mad hearing about kids doing this to each other. I'm sorry this is happening to her. Bless her heart that she goes in smiling, still that is not ok for her. I would talk to the school until an answer is found. She needs to be with kids that accept her and allow to be her, without making her day miserable. I just remember my daughter being in tears because the girls would run away from her to get away from her. They can be so mean. I'm sorry this is happening.

I am deeply angry on your DD's behalf, actually.

This stuff is deeply toxic and leaves more scars that the obvious bullying that boys do where they bash each other about. I cannot believe the school hasn't noticed what is going on already. Frankly you wonder if the staff bully each other as well.