After school care at secondary school?

Yes exactly balletgirlmum

It's a parent's job to bring up independent individuals. That doesn't happen overnight, it's a gradual process.

OP, can you change your working hours?

Adolescents need just as much care and nurture as younger children but for some reason many people think this lessens as they turn 11

Yes of course they do but it's about balance. I do see your point about children being left too young, but you have gone too much the other way if you don't mind me saying.

So you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a child alone till Year 10? Coming round for 15? My oldest dd is going into Year 10 and I have been leaving her alone for short periods for a few years, gradually increasing the length of time. She has travelled into Central London by herself. She goes out with friends locally involving bus and tube travel. I know all children are different but this is very much the norm among her friends.

If it's the care and nuture you're worried about, how much of this do you think she'll get at a childminder? CM will probably be rushed off her feet looking after the little ones, I doubt he/she will have much time to chat.

My DS1 starts secondary in September too. The latest I usually get home is about 5pm and he would probably get back from school by about quarter to four. He has stayed home alone for short periods of time and is fine with that but doesn't like the idea of letting himself in to an empty house. Fortunately we have family close by so he is going to go there and I will collect him later.

I think it is personal choice, if you aren't happy leaving your daughter then you are right to look in to child care. I am not sure I would be happy leaving my son to fend for himself until 6pm from the start of year 7, if I had a choice so can see where you are coming from. I think the best suggestion would be to let your daughter stay at school until 5pm if she can and then by the time she actually gets home, she will only be alone for a short amount of time. Would your work allow you to change or reduce your hours slightly to accommodate or is there anyone else to help out?

You could always approach a childminder.One of my neighbours is a CM exclusively for Y5, 6 7s and 8s.She has a gazillion of them and lays on 'older activities' I often see them playing in the back garden she has a zip wire!!

Ds1 is going into Yr6 in Sept, and I have been thinking a lot about this. DH and I work full time, normally getting in about 6ish. DS1 will probably go to a v.local school, so no handy bus journey to lengthen the day !

I do trust him, but think it is a long time to be alone at a time when he may well want to talk about friendship/school based issues and will also need support/encouragement to do homework. I have a growing feeling that as he ( and then ds2) become teenagers, they will need us more than when at nursery/primary school age. I also don't want him to be the 'boy with the empty house' as that can lead to a bit of peer pressure for mates overt etc.

I spoke to our current childminder recently, and she is happy to keep taking him throughout Yr7 , so I think I will stick with that. He can also still go to the after school club she runs. If he ends up not going on some nights, fine- at least it is there.

I am still pondering whether full tiem work and teenagers will work- but that one may run and run...

DD comes home drops her bags, goes to the park with friends and comes home when hungry. I trust her to be sensible and shes been fine. No drugs or sex here either.

Au pair?

We have used a public sector employee's holiday club for full day care since year 7 during school holidays. DD is often the oldest one there, but the staff treat her like an extra member of the team. During term time we initially booked her into school & other clubs, but they often got cancelled without notice. After a while we let her come home, have a chat with us both by text,then get on with her homework until one of us gets in. She goes to a friend's house if the weather is too grotty to walk home alone from the bus stop. She hadn't started doing drugs or joined a gang yet, despite 2 years of this. I can only suggest that you compromise your own working day if you are concerned about her being home alone.

Honestly I do see your point, it's a long time to be on her own every day. Could you try some care for the first while and see how you get on?

Maybe try a childminder who she can go and hang out with, it's not so much that she needs minding. More that it's nicer to be able to go home to someone there.

Dd1 is going to be coming home after school by herself for the first time in September. Her new school finishes later than her old one, and then she has to get the bus. So on the days she doesnt want to go to any clubs after school she will be in at around 4 and i will get in after 6.

I have though organised for her to go back to her after school club during the holidays for year 7, but i think she might not want to go as the year goes on.

At her after school club there was a girl who continued to go in year 7 and 8 because her mother didnt get in from work until after 9 and didnt want her to be alone for that long. She hated it, the children at the club were too young for her and the girks at school weren't particularly nice about her going to childcare.

Op I said you were entitled to make your own choice about your dd.
The fact that you are a child psychotherapist doesn't surprise me. Academic knowledge is no substitute for parental experience.
I say that as someone with my own degree in psychology and experience working with vulnerable children.
I am currently a sahm so my opinion is not based on convenience or cost saving on childcare.

Ds is at a private school. After school care is simply supervised library/common room until 5pm

It's OK to let them stay at home as long as they can get in and have a snack etc. I had to wait in the garage/garden for up to 3 hours because my parents wouldn't let me have a key to the house even though they were at work when I got home from school.

Can you reduce your working hours so you are in after school , you may find that your dd gets some issues if she is seen as needing a 'baby sitter' . Alternatively maybe a private school where there is a more structured after school provision .

If you've never left her home alone before start now. Leave her for 20 mins at the weekend while you pop to the shop or drop one of the others off. Build up her and your confidence. Rules - don't touch cooker, answer door or phone. Get her a mobile so she can text you and you her if you're delayed.

I suspect they're traumatised from many years of neglect and their parents never prioritising their needs, even when very young. I doubt any child who was brought up securely, in a loving home in which their needs are understood and met, would be traumatised by being home alone watching telly for a couple of hours. I do hope you can see the presumably massive difference in the backgrounds of the kids you work with and that of your own child.

3kids

I agree with you and always made sure I was here for them after school, but am a sahm.
Our town is full of dc whose parents believe they are mature and at home doing homework rather than causing trouble on the streets. It reminds me of the women who think their dh won't leave them. It's somebody else's child/dh not yours.
Amazing how some want to believe it, I agree.
There aren't any after school clubs for secondary usually, it does seem to be a lack of thought from childcare providers.

6.30 is quite early. If the OP wasn't home until after 7pm it might be a bit different.

Gloria I don't think the OP has a problem with her child making her own way home & being alone for a while, it's the fact that she doesn't get home till 6.30 is the problem. That would be three hours around here.
And what is deemed acceptable also varies from area to area.

Of course they need care and nurture - all children do. But to suggest that being home alone for an hour or two is depriving them of that care and nurture is ridiculous. Kids also need to develop confidence and independence, and to feel that their parent trusts them and has confidence in them.

And I don't think anyone blindingly assumes their kids will be quite happy with being on their own - mostly we actually talk to them to see how they feel, and build up to leaving them.

There is a HUGE difference between a child who is virtually neglected & left to self care & one who is trusted to make their own way home from school (though ds has openly told me he will be popping into town with his mates for a milkshake etc en route) & spend a couple of hours waiting for a parent to arrive home from work. Time that can be spent doing homework/music practice etc.

The only real option I can see for you is to either give up work or re arrange your hours.

But please do talk through it with your child. They may seem fine with it now but once at secondary when they see the freedoms their friends have they may well rebel or be made to feel babyish for having to go to childcare.

My personal view is that children need to build up gradually. So I behdn by leaving them for half an hour to an hour around thecside of 10, building up to 2 hours. Dd is now 13 & about to go into year 9 & she's fine alone for a morning or afternoon.

I'm a social worker and child psychotherapist - so see a lot of children who have had to take up self care and caring responsibilities too early, and can see the impact this has on them.

You see a lot of children traumatised by coming home after SECONDARY on their own, do you?

Yeah right.