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Original poster

Changing school after Yr8 due to lack of friends

38 replies

PinkiePromise · 11/06/2015 13:35

DD1 is coming to the end of year 8 at our very local and Ofsted graded 'outstanding' comprehensive. She is achieving good grades. But she has no real friends and has never really settled there. She has people that she sits with at lunch, but she has never, in almost 2 years had contact with anyone outside school, not even a text or a phone call (I have itemised bills so I know). Her 5 yr old sister is her best friend.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has all come tumbling out about how unhappy she really is. We knew that she didn't fit in really, she is teased for her accent, we live somewhere with a very strong accent but despite being born and bred her she does not have an accent. She is viewed as posh and a geek.

She is at the best Comprehensive school in the area, I don't think things would be better for her at another one. We are looking into sending her to a local private school with some very kind financial help from my parents. My issue is, I am not sure this is the answer either. What if she doesn't make friends there? How will she cope with not being top of the class necessarily. It is on the other side of our city, not a five minute walk away, a massive upheaval. But she is so excited at the thought of a fresh start.

My question is does anyone have experience of changing their child's school for similar reasons and how did it work out? A big part of me feels better the devil you know, but it could turn out that moving is amazing for her, I just don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkiePromise · 11/06/2015 14:54

They have been in sets from the start so she is in set 1. I didn't really make my closest friend at school until we were in year 10 and we had several GCSE classes together. I have told her things can change.

The girls she sat with for lunch are ones who she met at the start of Y7. She seemed so happy at first. After a while of seeing people from primary school being out with new friends, i asked her why she didn't ask if her friends wanted to do anything. After a year of me nagging about it and just thinking she was being a bit shy she finally snapped and said that she had asked and they had said 'no' that she couldn't go into town with them shopping or whatever they were getting up to, and they were doing things together without her. that must be a horrible feeling. She began to sit with some other girls from her class at around Easter time, but I know who some of them are as she used to go dancing with them and I see them out together and she does not get invited.

pastsellby she doesn't do any clubs anymore. She used to do dance and athletics in year 7 but hasn't been keen on taking anything up this year. She does go dancing outside school and has girls that she gets along with there, but they mostly go to school in a neighbouring borough (we live near the border of two).

It is hard because I fell the reasons may move with her, and different problems could be created, but I think she feels that this is a great opportunity for something better. I don't think either of us can know for sure, until she tries it. I do wish I hadn't investigated the possibility of moving in some ways. I said initially she could go somewhere else for 6th form, but her face just crumpled and she said '3 more years is a long time without friends'. I just want her to be happy.

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 11/06/2015 14:33

How much is she set at the moment for lessons?
Our school only sets a bit in the first 2 years, then much more so from y9. This means it can be harder for like-minded kids to find each other.

My DD, who is average academically, but hardworking, not into fashion etc, didn't really find her friends until y9.

If you really think there is a strong likelihood she would be happier elsewhere, then move her. But if you think the reasons would move with her, then maybe stay where you are, and encourage clubs both in and out of school?

PastSellByDate · 11/06/2015 14:23

PinkiePromise:

I agree with JessiePinkman who commented that's a long time not to make friends.

However.... Your DD says she does sit with friends at lunch ... if she had no friends it would be all alone.

I wonder - how active is your DD with clubs? Does she play an instrument, belong to choir? Has she joined the book club or a science club? Would she consider being in a play or helping make the sets.

I know for both my DDs the way they have made friends is gradually accruing experiences with them or sharing similar likes/ dislikes.

I would also say, from my own deep and distant past, there is also the possibility that friendship groups are getting a bit more fluid. With puberty than can be a divide between kids who drop out/ kids who get into the opposite sex or same sex/ kids who get geeky/ kids who get wrapped up in their activities.

Your DD may just not have found her feet yet. Is there some way you can help smooth things for her - have a friend round for a sleepover or agree to take your DD & friends to a movie?

I wish I could say that another school would definitely be better - but I can't. Moving could be a change for the better but there's no guarantee.

What I will say is I had a very hard year at age 12/13 when my two best friends moved away and for quite a while I really felt I had no friends - when in fact I was gradually making a new set of friends who slowly but surely included me in their friendship group. I just didn't realise it at the time.

HTH

Fleecyleesy · 11/06/2015 14:20

If she feels positive about this change then I think I would go ahead and hope that it sorts things out for her.

Maybe you could explain to her that the top of the class thing is only a school thing. When you are applying for jobs, people look at your qualifications and top of the class is not one of them! Also tell her to view it positively that she will have kids of her own standard to work with and kids at higher standards to spur her on (sorry I don't understand the levels you put in the OP). They can all get good grades, they aren't competing against each other in the classroom, they will be competing against everyone else in the country.

Original poster
PinkiePromise · 11/06/2015 14:11

They aren't amazing for a private school. There is another private school which is mixed and more selective, but it has no spaces. It gets 83% getting 5 GCSE's and the average points score for A level isn't much better than where she currently is.

I think that because she is bright she will do well wherever she goes. I am really paying for the chance of friendship which seems ridiculous! There is another very comprehensive further afield but it would require us to move house and uproot her younger sister for her to go there, and I don't feel that I can do that.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/06/2015 14:03

What are the private school's results like?

Original poster
PinkiePromise · 11/06/2015 14:01

I went to an all girls private school as this one is, so I very much know what they are like. It was often a very bitchy environment. I think maybe that is why I don't see it as the golden ticket that she does. At least without real friends there is none of the falling out, the drama, the backlash that can go with all of that. I do worry that what she has is not as bad as what she could be going to. But then, she could love it. It is whether that risk is worth taking.

Ultimately I will let her decide after she has visited next week. I am just finding it so hard to know what will be right for her.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/06/2015 13:54

Fine to move her if that feels the right thing to do. But please don't assume that teasing and bullying doesn't happen in private schools..........

Original poster
PinkiePromise · 11/06/2015 13:50

She always seemed quite well liked at primary school, but her entire class went up to the same secondary school because it is on our doorstep, yet she seems to be alone now.

The issue with being top of the class is that she has been all through primary school and now at secondary school and it has become part of who she is to herself. She is very critical of herself if she perceives that she is doing badly. She says that she is rubbish at English but her report gave her a Level 7a, which in my understanding is great, but she doesn't see it that way. Although in some ways I suppose it might be good for her not to be top because I also think that is part of the problem possibly as to how other people view her.

At the moment she has 100% attendance for the last 2 years, she gets up every day and goes in, no excuses like I would have made at her age, she isn't happy but she is getting on with it. She isn't bullied or anything, just generally a bit insignificant to people I think. I think I am scared that things could be worse if she moves, but I don't want to deny her the chance of things being better. Everybody deserves the chance to be happy and she is a lovely girl.

I don't like change, but I think that she needs it, so maybe I need to accept what seems scary to me, seems wonderful to her and take the chance. She is going for a taster day next week, so hopefully that will give her an idea of whether she will feel happier there.

OP posts:
bryte · 11/06/2015 13:49

I'd move her, there's nothing to lose. I wouldn't worry about her no longer being top of the class. for all you know, she might still be near top of the class. If not, she might not mind anyway if she is amongst people who are more similar to her. Year 9 is a good year to move too.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 11/06/2015 13:40

Move her. Seriously, I should have been moved from my secondary and wasn't. Instead it was years of misery that left me with 'issues' about schools that I'm only figuring out now even exist.

She'll get over not being top of the class, and it could be amazing for her.

NoonarAgain · 11/06/2015 13:39

pinkie, how was she at primary school? did she have friends then? if so, it sounds like its most likely just that its not the right school for her. the move sounds like a good plan.

your poor dd :( i do sympathise. i have my own school thread at the mo about my dd 1 who is the same age, but with her we have different issues.

JessiePinkman · 11/06/2015 13:39

That is a long time not to make any friends. If it were me, I'd move her, then she has a chance at being happy & making friends. My dcs happiness is the most important thing to me so not being top of the class would not affect my judgement (if you're top there's further to fall surely Wink)

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