Feel awful after big argument with DD about lack of GCSE revision

Just read this thread and I could have written everything literally word for word. My son finished his GCSE's about a month ago, did absolutely bugger all revision and if he doesn't meet the threshold will be kicked out of his (selective) school for sixth form. No Plan B and no idea what we should be doing. I just wondered what happened in the end and where you are now both with working and bad language!

I would agree with what Stonelog has said. Haven't had time to read whole thread so apologies if this is repetition: My view is that this could all be down to a massive fear of failure. Being predicted all A*s may have created an undue amount of pressure on your dd that she is finding hard to cope with. She may have developed a mindset in which she feels it would be easier to flunk it (spectacularly) than try but fail. Have you talked to her about how she feels about coping with all these exams? Perhaps you acknowledging the pressure she must feel and reassuring her that you are not expecting anything more than that she simply tries her best might help take the pressure off and give her the courage to have a go. And I would also say that if you are feeling bad for all that was said, she is more than likely feeling the same too. And perhaps a little afraid underneath all the aggressive talk.

Don't feel guilty.
But do take her to the doctors and try to get her some help.

My DD has finished her exams, but we did touch on what she'd do if her exams really were a "disaster" and actually she was quite sensible, talking about getting an apprenticeship etc.

A lot of teens get very turned off by the intense pressure they are put under for GCSEs and then A'levels. and a lot of the time more pressure is just what they don't need.

hi op,
I wouldnt feel too guilty. I bet there are loads of mums having serious talks with their dcs about their attitude towards revision while the dads are not helping. If you dont have these conversations no one else will as no one else will take on the responsibility. Id have said what you did.

Sadly, I fear when teenagers are in this mode there is nothing you can do about it. What grades does she need to get to gain entry to these selective schools.
She probably will do much better than you think as I think that it is possible to get by with doing very little work for gcses. For AS level it is a different story as the step up is so extreme.

I've been where you are with DS1 who is now doing A levels. He aced his GCSEs without too much effort but A levels have been a nightmare. I'd like to erase the past 2 years if I could.

He hasn't worked hard enough and I will be gobsmacked if he achieves his university offer. But, finally I have just decided it's his choice and to wait and see what happens on results day.

I know you feel a failure; I do too but you can lead a horse to water...

Just keep reassuring her that it doesn't matter if she doesn't make her grades and start making a Plan B in case you need it in August.

"She looks bad too. She won't brush her hair in the morning before school, wears a school jumper with holes in (she's got jumpers without holes), hitches her skirt up to an obscenely short length, has cold sores and bad skin (she sleeps in her make up) and is twice the size she was a few months ago".

I would be really worried about this OP.
She sounds depressed.
Is there something else going on?

I see this sort of thing a lot. A bright student , hard working, conscientious, target grades all A/A*. I would agree she there is some anxiety going on. If she revises really hard and does not get the predicted grades will she see herself as a failure or will others? If she doesn't revise she can avoid this situation. There is such a culture with young people I see more and more that is if I don't try, no one can tell me I failed. I think it says huge amounts about the education system and society in general. What happened to working towards achieving something.

Easier said than done but lighten up. You can't make her.

Come August she may be going to the super school or you maybe running around sorting out plan B. Cross that bridge of you come to it

Although A levels area big step up, in some ways they are 'easier' becuase at least the DCs are doing subjects they want to. If your DC is achieving at least a B at Gcse then they should be capable of the A level in most subjects (maths, physics and chemistry probably need at least a high B or A at Gcse).

I've nagged, cajoled, bullied, become angry (with many expletives), pleaded - none of it worked. I could have written what you have, almost word for word.

We both might be running around trying to figure out a plan B on 20 Aug, but you can't force them to study. His are finished today, thank God, but I think A levels are an awful idea at the moment. I've heard every kid spends the first term in tears, because the work is such a step up.

So your DD is already in the exam period, I think it's too late to push her for revsion etc. The most important thing is to help her to relax. The exam result will depend on the work she has done over the last few years, not these few days before the exam. If you can have a talk with her, to help her realise that the exam will be fine, as she has done well over the last few years, that's why she has got the A* prediction. Even is she perform not so well, she would at leat get A/B, that's quite a good result.

Then, I think she should stop revision, just do a couple of past paper before the day of the exam to get her into the exam mode. That should be enough.

Confident and relax, this will help her to get maximum result.

Oh dear. It really does sound like she could have pretty acute anxiety at the moment (as do you!). I think you both need to take a step back from this. What your DD needs more than anything is support. I'd recommend the best message you and your DH could be giving her is that she can only do her best. That's all you ask. Forget targets, forget predicted grades, forget aims for now. The exam period is so stressful it's too much to think long term, and it's the short term which takes up so much energy. Therefore just ask her to take it one exam at a time and make it clear that your DDs wellbeing is your first priority, not grades. Funnily enough achievement will follow from there. Happiness is followed by success, OP! Not the other way round.

Hi op. Don't worry too much about what you said - we've all been there. I think my DD calling me a cunt though would mean their phone being confiscated or grounding them.
My DD2 got excellent Gcse results last year with very little revision so your DD may still do surprisingly well (and this year DD2 is having to work).
Putting on weight and spotty skin may be mean her hormones are out of balance. Are her periods regular? If not, it would be worth taking her to the GPs for a checkup and blood test. DD1 went like this and actually was diagnosed with polycycstic ovaries. She has been very different since being put on the pill. If she is anxious have a look at 'alternative therapies' like acupuncture or yoga. Try and keep her off sugar and on a low GI food plan, as this helps the hormone levels/moods.
Above all, try and keep everything calm until the exams are finished and go and have some you deserve some.
Good luck!

I am a teacher at a superselective grammar and I agree with Muppet. It's anxiety, so going on at her won't help at all. Your DH's attitude is sending a mixed message too. Tell her you'll love her whatever results she gets and maybe see if you can enlist a helpful grandparent/auntie/family friend to talk to her about her state of mind. I agree a straight A* student will probably get As and Bs without revision, also.

Don't think you said anything wrong
What she said , however is a different matter
She owes you an apology for her rudeness

Annoyingly , she'll probably do well enough to get into 6th form

I used emotional blackmail to get my 2 to revise .

I have faith in you DD , I know you're not going to let me down

Worked well with DS who has just finished his first year at uni , hoping DD will do well at her last A level exam tomorrow

Congratulations, you got me to join Mumsnet to reply to this!

I don't intend to give a diagnosis over the internet - particularly since I'm not qualified to give them in person! - but there are a lot of worrying tell-tale signs here that I think it's worth taking into consideration. You say "Until Year 11, she was a conscientious and hard working student and then it all just fell apart...big time!" - why is this? Students who are hard working rarely fall apart like this just because they can't be bothered. You say she's predicted straight A*s and you think this is unrealistic - maybe she thinks this too? You say she has only applied to sixth forms requiring excellent grades - maybe she feels under an immense amount of pressure and is collapsing under the weight of unrealistic expectation placed on her by her teachers and by these sixth forms? You say she doesn't care about her grades - it's very common to feel that, if you can't achieve what is expected of you, it's better not to try at all.

The behaviour you describe certainly reinforces this: you say DD "has become a master of distraction exercises ever since the revision period started" and "watches crap TV", even reading when she doesn't normally - this isn't normal "I can't be bothered" behaviour, there's clearly more to it than this. Printing off past exam papers as a way of appearing productive, only to not actually do them, is a sign she wants to engage with her revision but simply cannot bring herself to do it. Most tellingly, you say she "is in and out of the kitchen every few minutes (has put on loads of weight!), chats to people on social media (not her school friends...people she has never met and is never likely to either)". Firstly, the weight gain is a massive tell-tale sign that something is up here - atypical comfort eating is a strong indicator of feeling stressed, depressed and/or anxious. Secondly, she's specifically avoiding talking to her friends - because they would remind her of exams, when she's trying to avoid the negative emotions she is possibly attaching to them currently - and is talking to people outside of her "normal" circle. These all illustrate one very important thing: she's not just being lazy; there's more to it than this.

Again, I'm not trying to give an armchair psychoanalysis, but I felt it important to bring this up. The pressure one feels doing GCSEs can be greater than doing A Levels simply because of the number of exams - that's certainly how I felt when I did mine.

She's predicted all A*s.
She might get all As and Bs without revising.
Maybe she's happy with that?
If it happens, then limits her chances, she'll learn from it. Saying she will definitely have to go to a crap college now is a bit of an overreaction, to me.
Shouting at her isn't going to make her exam period any easier.

The calling you a cunt isn't acceptable but that's a different issue I guess.

Sounds like my ds. I'll be completely gobsmacked if he gets his target grades. I'm ashamed to admit that in the heat of the moment I did call him a waste of space but even that didn't register. I spent loads of time setting up a revision plan on get revising.com and printing out shed loads of past papers but ultimately it's his call. Part of me hopes he doesn't do that well as I think that will be the only thing that will motivate him in 6th form. That's if he gets in of course