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Original poster

Would you change school in year 10?

33 replies

Frikadellen · 18/03/2015 08:42

dd2 is in year 10. She is very dyslexic and has struggled with her schooling however in the last couple of years she really seems to have begun to understand how to work around this and her predicted grades have gone from D's and E's to a solid lot of B (back in January) The school she is in really seems to academically get what she needs and have been great for her actual schooling.

However Socially she really struggled and we have her coming home in tears regularly, (2-3 times a week) she feels she had no friends that no one wants to talk to her and when she has tried to enter social groups there has been a few unpleasant scenarios of exclusion. There has never been any direct bullying it is more making sure she knows she is not welcome and they dont wish to have anything to do with her. We have contacted the school numerous times about this in the last years and in the beginning they did try to aid her., Giving her access to a special room where other students who struggled went, she did make 1 friend there in year above this girl however has got serious school avoidance issues - wont go into details - so is often not in school 2 or 3 days in a week according to dd. Also with them being in different years it is often complex to meet. DD is also finding this girls from what I understand severe depression difficult to deal with. (I have met the girl and she is lovely however I also know how hard it is to deal with someone who is depressed and dd is only 15)

She has commented a few times that no one else really comes to this room so last time I contacted the school I requested they try to aid dd to find a different way to make friends. They at this time did not engage with me at all, I received no reply however dd did say that she had been spoken to by form tutor and basically they had said she as the onl ystudent would be permitted to go to the art studio with her lunch and do art stuff during lunch. Great as dd loves art however not going to aid her in making friends to isolate her.

Last week it sort of came to ahead . DD has been doing DofE and actually getting along well with the group she was in and had some positive feedback over all of this. Last week a girl in another group had fallen out with the group she was in, she had gone to friends in the group dd is in and those friends had taken it on themselves to basically said that this girl could swap with dd. No one had considered talking to dd about this and nor had they approached a teacher. It had simply been decided amongst them and presented to dd as a done deal. With dd having self confidence issues over all of this and feeling she can't make friends this obviously made her feel awful.

She has got 3 friends from primary who attends a different school. This school is over subscribed however when I phoned them I more or less had suggested that an appeal would perhaps be likely (She said - sometimes the panel does things we don't know why they do for church members) At the time we applied for 2ndary places I had not yet returned to regular church attendance and we could not have got her in. However I have done so in the last 3 years and we can now fullfill the church criteria for this school.
The school has amazing pastoral care and her younger sister will start in the school come September, It also has one of the highest scores of non grammar schools for GCSE's .

I am at a loss as to what to do. She is very unhappy however academically she is thriving. I want my child to have a good education and dd is clever. However I also do not want her growing up with severe self doubts as to if she can make and keep friends. It would be a lot of work for dd to cope with the academic side if this school has gone different approach for GCSE's however I suspect if she was happy and amongst friends she would be able to do this. BUT that is only a "suspects" I don't know what to do and I do not feel there is most point in approaching her current school again as they have not engaged with me over this the last few times. I know it would be a long shot to try an appeal however if I do not try then I am likely placing her on a no friends for the next year and a bit. Is that fair?

I will just add that dd1 is at the same school in 6th form as dd2 and is thriving it is not that I wish to move to what I see as a "better" school.
WWYD?

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PastSellByDate · 22/03/2015 06:11

sorry that should have read

I am sorry you are going through this.

Not sure how the 'with' got in there - and defnitely not meant. I think you're DD is very wise to want to stick it out - even though it's not easy going.

PastSellByDate · 22/03/2015 06:10

Hi Frikadellen:

Just caught back up with this and really pleased to hear your DD won't be swapping DofE groups.

It genuinely sounds like you're doing all you can and that your DD is very motivated to do well and then transfer (which probably helps - academic wise).

I am sorry you and your DD are going through with this. I remember this kind of stuff going on when I was 14/15 and how difficult if was. All I can say is sixth form, University, your first job, etc... will give her lots of opportunities to meet new people and have a fresh start.

In the meantime, wishing your DD best of luck on the Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Hang in there = and sending you variously useful things if there's another bad day Brew Cake Flowers

PSBD

bluejelly · 20/03/2015 18:57

This all sounds very positive Frikaddellen, well done.

Original poster
Frikadellen · 20/03/2015 08:03

Thank you everyone.

We do try as far as we are able to keep her active. She is already doing homework and additional work so I don't feel I wish to nag there considering the change inher grades I know she is doing wonderful with this. She is also a avid reader so I keep her supplied with books. I remember myself as a teenager I would escape into books (I was bullied badly myself)

It is easy to say get her into clubs. However many sports have a lot of money attached to it. For example she used to do Tae kwon do and it was several hundred pounds a year to do the exams and fees etc etc. Swimming is the same. She currently does 2 sports and 1 youth club that is 3 clubs a week spanning over 4 days. I think that is a good amount. I have spoken to her about going running herself or going swimming but neither appeals to her. She has at times arranged with old primary friends to go biking and enjoys this but that is once in a blue moon this happens.

She after we had a very long talk has said she feels we should keep her in the school she is in. She is determined to get the grades she need to move in 6th form and we shall doa HUGE round of schools to see where she can do 6th form (She is adament she will go to the 2ndary her younger sister is going to)

the D of E co-ordinator sorted that issue saying no swapping will happen and responded very positively to my email about it. Also asked that I come back if I had further concerns. That is the nicest email I Have had from them for quite some time so I feel hopeful there.

OP posts:
FuzzyWizard · 20/03/2015 06:47

It's also worth bearing in mind that a new school may put her back a year. At this stage in the year any new students joining our school in year 10 are put back into year 9 so that they start GCSEs afresh in September. We've had a few over the last 5 years and they are always put back into year 9 if they join after December. The only exception being girls who should actually be in year 11, who are put back to year 10 but can't realistically go back to y9.

PastSellByDate · 20/03/2015 05:57

I have much younger DDs (Y7 and Y5) so can't really talk about GCSE level work - but just wonder what your options are for sixth form. Could she move then?

In that case it's only one more year. Better to have solid GCSE results (as you say she's thriving academically) than jump into another school so late in the game & have all the adjustment to a new place issues as well.

In terms of feeling excluded - I actually think this is a very common feeling for most teenagers. Your DD shouldn't feel she's the only one with these feelings and surprisingly even some of the most popular people can feel isolated. Modern social media and a tendancy to be fairly cutting about each other probably doesn't help. It sounds like friendships are quite fickle at this school - which also adds to your DDs sense of isolation.

My advice (received from older and wiser friends with teenagers) is keep her active - so active she really can't dwell on things. I've friends with teenage boys as well as daughters - and they all swear by this. Give them chores at home, harrass them about their homework (encouraging them to do extra), chase them off the sofa and get them out helping you in the garden or walk the dog, send them to the shop for milk or bread, encourage clubs & sports, encourage Saturday jobs, etc... but don't let them mope about the place.

They all say keep the moaning to home & set limits (15 minutes feeling sorry for yourself & having a hot drink and snack, and then get on with it); don't show it at school - being cheerful, friendly, kind to others is the best defence. Possibly good advice for working life as well.

HTH

jazzsyncopation · 19/03/2015 22:27

why dont you just get this academic time out the way and see about 'fresh start':changing for 6th form,in mean time enjoying her life out of school with diff people that aren't in the school cliques? if you move her and her grades suffer and she doesn,t make friends quiclkly[which is harder mid-year probably anyway] think how that's going to make her feel?!

Original poster
Frikadellen · 19/03/2015 19:05

Thank you everyone. It is a difficult situation. If she went to other school thereare later vbusses ao she could attend clubs however academically its tough. Wish I could magic her a best friend

OP posts:
lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:03

I think I wrote a very similar post a while ago frikadellen

I was seriously considering moving dd (year 10)

I actually ended up going into the school and being really angry

THEN MIRACLE OF MIRACLES one of her good friends out of school joined and everything improved.

Before this happened I had decided NOT to move her - I told her that she could move for 6th form - I really concentrated on her friends out of school and she does lots of sport out of school which we concentrated on.

For some reason everything is better now and even the horrible queen bee seems to have no more power.

Hang in there Flowers

SugarPlumTree · 19/03/2015 01:43

Really difficult but I think academically a disaster. However I would these days have no qualms about being seen as one of those parents . What I would be doing at this point is emailing the Head of Year and saying how unhappy she is , to the extent she is saying she wants to move schools. Tell them about the DOE experience . Say you are delighted at how well she is doing academically but you are very concerned about her self esteem and emotional welfare , do not want the situation to escalate as you fear it will impact negatively ion her academic performance and what can the school do to help support your DD during this difficult time for her and move this situation forward for her.

It needs to be in writing and if an Ofsted looming then the perfect time to be doing it. I've had difficulties with my DS (younger than your DD) at a school where my DD was bullied, both his form tutors have responded brilliantly, couldn't ask for more and I can see a positive effect on DS after all the things they have put in place. I was hesitant to rock the boat but a friend said to me 'if you don't fight on your child's behalf who will!?' which was a fair point I.

It is really difficult with girls this age and there will be a limit to what the school can do in reality but they can at least have a decent go, my DD is the year above and switched friendship groups this time in Year 10 to a really lovely one , it may be that she does find a new group. It only takes her to click with one person for things to improve, I do feel for you both., very difficult situation and it is horrible seeing them unhappy. I should have moved my DD from Midfdke school in Year 7 and didn't so know what it is like living with that regret. DD is very happy now though so has come through it, fingers crossed things improve very soon.

MillyMollyMama · 19/03/2015 00:54

I also should have moved my younger DD in year 9, by year 10 it was too disruptive. The problems worsened significantly in year 10 with friendship difficulties, so I know exactly what a dilemma it is. However you will face the same problems in another school because you still will not be able to pick her up after school if she wishes to stay. I am not aware that schools make huge efforts to find friends for students. I wish I could say they did, but I have never seen it! Would the new school actually do this?

Carrie5608 · 18/03/2015 23:44

Frikadellan I have nothing positive to add but we are in same situation. Dd is 15. Had two good friends then a row and now she is isolated and alone.
School haven't really been helpful at all. Academically she is fine. Her self esteem is totally gone.

She doesn't want to move she wants to get her GCSE's and the leave. You are right though it will be a very long year and a third. I am devastated for her.

Flowers for you and her.

clairecasta · 18/03/2015 23:18

Honestly, I'd seriously consider moving her.
I'd also seriously consider becoming 'that' parent.

Serious unhappiness at school can have hideous consequences for self esteem which eventually impacts on grades.

Right now you need to assess how damaging it will be for your DD to change schools.
This involves asking each school the following questions for EVERY subject your daughter takes:

Are all her subjects taught at the new school?
What exam board and specification do they do?
What controlled assessments have already been completed?
What topics/sub-topics/areas have already been covered?
Are there any important controlled assessments students are currently preparing for, or will be doing in the next few weeks?

You want to maximise the overlap between what has already been done and what is still to be done in each subject. There will very likely be topics that your daughter will miss out on and topics she will repeat. Having a good idea of what these areas are will help you and her to ensure she covers everything before her exams and doesn't miss things out.

Hope this is helpful.

bluejelly · 18/03/2015 23:03

By the way you sound like a lovely caring mum Flowers

bluejelly · 18/03/2015 23:02

I agree, probably best to finish her GCSEs and then move. FWIW, I had a pretty miserable couple of years at secondary school, then went to 6th form college and was much, much happier. Although not great at the time, it did toughen me up generally.
Also, no guarantee she will be happier at a different school.

noblegiraffe · 18/03/2015 22:54

Honestly, moving her mid-GCSE would be a disaster and should only be an absolute last resort.

Original poster
Frikadellen · 18/03/2015 22:52

I am pretty sure if I make a lot more noise than I am it will cross to the " that parent" stage.

I simply think the school is just poor at the social side for those who hasn't got a easy ride of it.

question really comes down to is it worth it for the academic side for 1 1/3 year or is it better to chance it.

I spoke with DD about it today and right at this moment she is thinking staying may be the best thing so we are discussing how she can ensure she meets up with friends outside of school. (none of them secondary school friends) I spoke to a friend who says what does your gut say.

My gut says I should have moved her in year 9 and that reality is she is like me and just not enjoying school and likely will return when she is an adult.

Lacrosse team is a mixture of 3 year groups. She has not managed to really make friends with any there despite being on the team for 1 year so far. She is shy due to her self confidence issues. One positive point is her rugby team on hearing she was considering moving club (her brother plays for different club would have made our live easier) talked her into staying. Was a great stel boost for her they really wanted her there.. She has not managed to take this to " meet outside of rugby" -most of the girls in the team go to the same - different to dd - school. However she goes to Rugby with a smile.

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Mumteadumpty · 18/03/2015 20:54

Are the girls in the lacrosse team in her year? I am thinking that team mates can be a way into friendship groups. I also agree that it maybe an idea to think of changing registration groups. But mostly I think I would be approaching school and making more noise about how unhappy she is..

Original poster
Frikadellen · 18/03/2015 20:45

There are other sports club she could do yes. However I can not now that I work full time promise I can collect her. I work minimum 2 evening shifts a week on a shift pattern. dh is not home until 7-8pm. If I am at work I am unable to collect her and there are no busses to take her home. She would be stranded about 10 miles away from home.

I do not have any friends who has children in that town who could collect her and bring her home. When dd1 started in the school I was not working full time and I was able to collect. School also used to have a bus service that drove to the smaller villages it has students from. This has been withdrawn.

One of the reasons why I am holding back is exactly because it is not a guaranty to move her.

Due to the situation of where we live we have friends with children in secondary schools that spans over 4 counties who all live in the same village/town we live in. When ds went to 2ndary school 2 years ago the 15 children from his class went to 10 different schools. This year for dd3 it is a lot calmer the 14 in her year are going to 6 different schools. Incredibly dd1 and 2 are actually attending our CLOSEST secondary school. I know for many this is hard to get their head around :)

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MillyMollyMama · 18/03/2015 17:20

I guess schools have short lunch breaks, but for a school that runs lacrosse and D of E I am surprised there is nothing on offer at lunchtime.

Many schools cannot accommodate every sport and from what you say there is a lot of sport available, just not the one she wants. What are the girls' sports? If she plays rugby, can she not look at other sports that might be of interest in school. I know lots of schools expect parents and children to commit to a fully rounded education but you must have known this before you went there as you have had another child there. I still think the only realistic option is to hang on in there or maybe go down a year in the other school. However, you have absolutely no guarantee that the children she knows in that school will continue to stay friendly. And what then?

Original poster
Frikadellen · 18/03/2015 17:08

There are no lunch time clubs. Whilst she attends the lacrosse club on Thursday and D of E on Wednesdays it is incredibly difficult to facilitate as there is only 1 bus past the one that leaves after school and many clubs finishes after this bus will leave.

When I wasn't working this wasn't a issue as I would collect them however now I am I can't always manage this. DD also feels that the school is slanted towards boys with their clubs she wanted a girls rugby team but was told no. I sadly can't guarenti I can collect her anymore. School is not wonderful at letting students to early says they should be willing to " commit"

Hence only clubs we can look at are evening clubs.. She plays rugby on tuesdays and Sundays and goes to a youth club every Friday (Where she meets her friends who goes to the other school)

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noblegiraffe · 18/03/2015 17:07

Academically I would strongly recommend against this. She will have potentially missed coursework and have a vast amount of work to catch up on if she has done a different syllabus. She will have to start over again friendship wise with her groups and may not end up with her primary friends in lessons very often anyway due to options and setting.

I teach a student in Y11 who switched schools in Y10, but before Christmas, and they said that it was only really when they got to the mocks in Y11 how much they'd missed, and that it had affected their grades. If you switch now, you'll have missed nearly a whole year of teaching, as the summer term is filled with exams, work experience and wind-down activities.

Can she hang in there till sixth form? Y11 will be so busy that she won't have much time for socialising anyway.

MillyMollyMama · 18/03/2015 13:18

When children are doing GCSEs they are not in forms as such as children are doing different subjects and other subjects are set. I do really feel for someone in this predicament. However, it is extremely difficult to make teenagers be frineds with another one if they do not gel. I also think sitting in a Billy No Mates room is just awful. I would never let a child of mine do that. It just adds to the problem. I think joining in with activities is the only way out of this. Also friendships do fluctuate, particularly with girls. Hang on in there.

Gunfleetsands · 18/03/2015 12:23

Such a shame your school will not consider Form changes.

This must sound very unwelcome but it looks as though she will most probably get the best grades at GCSE by staying at her current school and then going to the other school for A Levels.

I do feel for you and your DD and not having anyone for her to talk to/be friends with for an entire year is an awful prospect.

While she is still at her current school is there anything (not already attempted) that might make the situation a bit easier for her. For example, are there any lunchtime clubs at school that she could go to? If she doesn't want to attend one aimed at her own age could she help out at one lower down the school? My DD3 actually leaves her friends one lunch time a week and helps out at a lower year's sports club - one of the things she does is to join in with anyone who hasn't got a partner. She also sets up and puts away equipment.

It doesn't have to be sport, any club might be grateful of a helper. You mentioned earlier that your DD can have her lunch (albeit alone) in the art room. Could she ask the Art Dept if there is anything she can do while she is there - washing out paint pots, brushes, sorting out paper, etc - anything to stay busy. If your DD doesn't want to be the one asking I am sure it wouldn't matter if you contacted the relevant teacher and explained your DDs situation.

Original poster
Frikadellen · 18/03/2015 10:47

I should add dd is already now saying she will move to new school for A levels (and from their scoring system I suspect she would get in)

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