One daughter at State School and now the second has an offer at Private

Sorry DBS not DS

My brother went private boarding & I went comprehensive girls. As a family we struggled financially, no fitted carpets, TV or central heating (it was 40 years ago!). My dad thought girls didn't need the same education & couldn't have afforded to send us both. I really don't resent my brother but I do remember missing out on school trips and having to go without to pay the school fees. Have you thought how expensive uni is nowadays? Maybe fairer and better to help both DS with uni fees? The debt they will be in for student loans plus compound interest is not to be underestimated!

Not sure what an outlier is Talkin, but yes a lot of my friends and people I know - from our village for example, have sent some of their chikdren to prep/private senior schools, and some to primary/state secondary schools. Also a good mix for 6th forms as well, from private to grammar and vice versa. Not normally one child all the way through in one way, but some chopping and changing around.

If you could easily afford the fees for DD2 it would be a different story IMO. It would be like one passing to go to grammar and the other not, she is brighter and goes to the more academic school.

But if, even with a change of job, life would be tight ie maybe giving up holidays, trips, treats, new clothes, nice furniture, for everyone if DD2 goes to private school, then I think you can't possibly justify it.

I agree, I am not sure why you let her sit the test. If DD1 had got in would DD2 have also sat the test? Would you have afforded two sets of private fees (your posts suggest not)?

I would save the ?£12k per year and go on some fabulous holidays/pay for music lessons or horse riding or new athletics spikes (or whatever they love) instead. And yes get a tutor if you think they are falling behind.

A private school is not better academically than a GS

Bowlersarm
In our area many, many families send 1 or 2 of their children privately and 1 or 2 to state, normally grammar, schools. It is very common here.
Considering that only 7% of kids go to private schools, either your area or your friends are extreme outliers on mainstream society

Every time you have to say no to something for dd1 she will attribute it to you paying thousands for her sisters school. I've no idea why you would even get dd2 to do the exam. It all seems unfair to them both.

In our area many, many families send 1 or 2 of their children privately and 1 or 2 to state, normally grammar, schools. It is very common here.

Could your older Dd go to the private school for sixth form to redress the balance?

I'm another who doesn't understand why you let the younger one take the test when the elder wasn't at privat school.

Either both go or none. You cant send one and not expect the other to feel second best, even worse as this will have a huge financial impact on her. Can you imagine as an adult knowing all the household income was spent on sending a sibling to private school whilst you went without lots and went to the local state?

Any spare money can be used for activities, tutors etc if you want more than state can provide but both deserve to be treated equally.

Talkin I see the main problem as not only will the older child not have a fee paying education but is being asking to have a life outside school with fewer frills.

On the other hand, a family where there is a family trust that covers ALL childrens' education and activities
All of the kids apply for the private, some get in , some don't. The trust also pays for all trips
No angst as they all had equal shots at the prize the private school being co-ed helps massively

Lots of parents have one at state and one in private where I live, BUT we have very selective state schools and minimally selective private schools, so it is generally the child who passes the 11 plus at the state school and the one who didn't at the private.

I don't understand why you would put your DD in for the private school test, if you weren't going to follow through if she got an offer.
Or were you hoping she would sit the test and fail it?

Right on parents give their children options

One child tries for and goes to a world famous public school
The other goes to a local, extremely good, state school

only in their late 30s are the differences in opportunity being resolved between the children
the parents views are unsaid but their pain is visible

ONLY
take the different routes if you are aware every week about ensuring the best for each child.

It depends on which fee-paying school, and the state alternative. We need names of the schools.

No, I would send both to state school as it sounds like it will affect the whole family financially.
We had 2 that went all the way through state school, a huge gap and dd has had a mix of state primary, H.ed and hopefully soon private.
The only reason why we would consider doing this is that it won't cost us much more financially.

Knowing your own financial situation I have to say you were foolish to sit DD2 for the test. Unless there is a special reason why DD2 needs this school I think it is hard to ask DD1 yo give up family holidays and trips for her sister.

The thing is Neeascarf is they won't have any spare cash for DD1 if they send DD2 private. Also most privates are a min of 12K a year, that's a lot of swimming lessons and trips with the scouts.

You can always go half-way house: send them both to State but spend some money (less than the cost of Private) on targeted tutoring for both of them.

Is there any negotiation on the scholarship front? Assuming she got one? Some schools offer assisted places to pupils who pass exam but without financial help would not be able to take the place, even with a scholarship. Schools are businesses and I the current climate most independent schools need the numbers in. Perhaps you can negotiate with the bursar? I'm not totally sure why you even offered the chance to take the exam if you knew this would happen though.

I might do it if the child going to private school was going because they were extremely gifted in dance or music or something similar. If that school could provide something that a state school couldn't, then that would be different.

However, they will come out with the same skills and qualifications, won't they? You will be expecting your DD1's quality of life to be worse and yet the outcome will be the same. That really isn't fair.

I'd send both the state school. If the private school was completely free of charge on a bursary or scholarship or the like then I'd consider it. But not under the circumstances of the whole family having to cut back for one child's education and not the other.

I've got no advice on the money thing. (If it was me I think I would talk to the DC and explain that the private school would mean living tightly for a few years, and see if you could work out a solution together).

But my DSC go to different schools- one private, one state. In my experience, there's not much resentment because they can both see rationally about it. And the one in the state school (3 years younger than the one in private) actually suits his school much better than he would a private school and he knows that.

What we do do though is sometimes give the one in state school a treat or a trip or something that the private school one doesn't get. They both think this is a good idea because they know how much we spend on private school and also the older one gets many more school opportunities than the state school one gets.

Maybe just have a big chat with them and explain the dilemma. Your DD might say she would prefer to go to state anyway if it means you'll have a better quality of life and dont have to give up holidays or trips and things.

As a private school kid, I saw lots of other kids with siblings in state school. They all got on ok.

But I also saw a few kids that didn't get to do the school trips and other social things the rest of us did. Those kids were not happy as they felt they were missing out.