Yr8- worth changing to private?

Actually OP - and as a counterweight to any anti-private school bias that might materialise on your thread I'm wondering if your elder DD might not rather relish a new challenge. Have you considered boarding school? It can be a great support for a child where there's intermittent family upheaval.

If you could return to work you would be in a stronger position both to drive family decisions and to withstand any further upheavals.

Setting that aside, presumably you're looking towards yr 9? This is the usual changeover year for many private schools (though girls often move at 11+.)

I think you would be wise to consider more than one possible school - particularly if fee paying.

Dog I am facing a similar dilemma with my 12 year old ex expat child the difference is she hates her present school but has only been there since September but I am at a loss what to do. Although we haven't got the temper and defiance she has started pulling out her eyelashes and is very emotional . Like you I worry about more change and wether we will be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. In my case I am going to try and make work what we have got at the moment but I may change my mind if things are still the same by Easter
What I would say is dont underestimate the fact she is happy at school at the moment you may find moving her will make things ten times worse

Think I might be tempted to move house... I'm not sure an expensive mortgage and school fees are a recipe for an improved marriage! Have you looked round this private school yourself, yet? And spoken to any parents with children there?

Oh, dear. It sounds as though there's a lot that's not quite right for you atm, TheDogsMissingBollock. If there's the potential for a lot of upheaval, anyway, I'm not sure moving your dd from a nurturing school to an unknown school which might or might not be good for her is a great idea, as it sounds like the problems are too deep rooted to be cured by an easier school run and more extra curricular activities for your dd, particularly if you move her against her wishes. Worth looking into and trying to persuade her to look round the school, maybe, but not worth pinning all your hopes of increasing your happiness, your dd's attitude and the stability of your marriage on.

Is your dh based in the UK permanently, now, or could he be asked to head off overseas again (or decide he wants to do that?...)? What are his feelings about you going back to work/not going back to work/moving somewhere that suits the rest of his family better but not necessarily him? How does he feel about paying school fees? Is he as unhappy as you with your family life, or too wrapped up in his work to think about it? It seems to me there is a danger of your dd turning into the scapegoat for all your problems if you think moving her to a different school will solve anything and then it turns out it doesn't help with anything at all...

But if you want to be able to work it's not unreasonable to consider changes that would make that possible ...

Has your parenting been openly disparaged in front of her OP? Or is she picking up on anything like this? IME children have no qualms about playing one parent off against another if they see an opportunity. (Particularly to get "in" with whichever they see as more powerful.)

Which places you in a rather uncomfortable position.

I wonder if she craves independence - could you pay for a taxi 1-2 days a week to get her to school- I'm assuming that cost not huge issue if considering private. Give you both a little space.

I think try not to worry about the homework for say 1 month - I'm sure school will call her on it if she doesn't do it - leave her to take responsibility for it?

I wonder if you 'make' her go to the new school she will just behave badly in order to get herself thrown out?

Age 13 was the most miserable year of my life - I hated being 13...

Is the private school closer to home? It seems to me she is missing out on something reasonably important to have moved around a lot and now be settled somewhere miles from school and going to a school nobody nearby goes to. Why is she jealous of her sister? How old is her sister and where does she go to school? Why do you think she doesn't want to see friends outside of school? Regardless of intentions, has she felt over the years that her moderate learning difficulties are a hassle for the family - particularly a family that has moved around a lot? I can see why you might want to take the focus off you being the one always nagging her, seeking tutors to help her, highlighting her difficulties for her, although it isn't always possible to pass that mantle on effectively! I suspect that whatever you do, though, you'll have to think very carefully about how you talk about it with your dd.

What do you think her being happy at her new school really means? Is it their lack of pressurising her to do homework, and the not dealing with her difficulties head on and making them an issue that is making her happy? In which case, might her behaviour again deteriorate at school if you send her somewhere that focuses intently on her moderate learning difficulties as an issue that needs dealing with? Are her current school really doing nothing to help, or does it just feel like that in comparison to the school she behaved badly at, which might have been because they were like a bull in a china shop with her?...

There is an excellent book called Divas and Doorslammers that gives very good advice for this sort of situation. Unlike most such books, the example dialogue actually consists of something you could imagine yourself saying!

I found it very helpful with my DD at this age. In particular, what worked was the 6-1 ratio of positive comments to negative. The books gives a long list of the sort of comments you can use, which I "studied" every day in order to make sure I had them ready to use. Also, not asking questions unless she has initiated the conversation herself (and thus is likely to be in a reasonable mood). There are other tips as well for handling problem behaviour.

Is she badly behaved at school, or is all the ire directed at you? What do you think is making her so difficult - natural for her age and personality, or something about her life that is upsetting her/an issue she is trying to avoid? Could moving her to private school be interpreted by her as you trying to get away from her as much as possible and therefore make her even more aggressive towards you? Are you really just trying to find a school where they can do a bit more of the "bad cop" and make her do her homework, so you don't have to? Do you really think a school would/could succeed in making your daughter happy to do sport, homework and extra-curricular stuff where you have failed, or could it risk making her unhappy and feel over-pressured? Why do you think she wants to avoid sport and extra-curricular activities? Does she have lots of friends at her current school?

Your OP just creates an awful lot of further questions - nobody can really help you with the answers when they know so little of your situation, they can only suggest more questions that might help you find your own answers!

it really depends what the learning difficulty is. ds is in independent, but friends are leaving because the SEN provision is poor and they have to pay on average £25 for every period of extra help the child receives (which as you can imagine can soon stack up)
It sounds like the biggest stress is the school run, could you arrange a lift share or a taxi, or perhaps there is a bus route you could drop her to the beginning of, schools buses for independents aren't cheap, so that would be another added cost.
Have a good look round, independent doesn't always equal.better, investigate with current school whether they run a homework club, many do.
Also, some of it will be her age, ds and his year group are all being a biy hormonal and anti homework, revision or anything that requires work at the moment, its what the first term of year 8 is known for!

Since she's already had a few school changes I'd be reluctant to move her especially if she's happy. If you've the money what about finding her a tutor to help?

My DS1 has "moderate" dyslexia he's been in both sectors all had/have a good reputation for learning support, frankly all were rubbish it's got better at pair local 6 th form college and we're told better still in higher education but first get you DC there. We've many friends in the independent sector most will tell you the same thing anything beyond "mild" gets very little useful help what ever heads, websites, learning support staff tell you.
Be careful.

Why feel guilty? (Other than because your DH is undermining you?)

What's the reason for the multiple school changes?