Yr8- worth changing to private?

Go see some schools. (Not just one.) Get an idea of what you might be buying. Quizz them on their experience of, and success with, children with the same moderate SN. You'll know immediately if it's a waste of time.

FWIW boarding schools are packed with homebodies - and they all have pets at home. Weekly boarders are obviously home every weekend but termly boarders are probably at home at least every three weeks or so - and can see their families as often as the families care to pop down for tea or a match or concert or whatever. And they have masses of fun. And a month's holiday at Christmas and Easter. Two months in summer. Not sure exactly what it was that you said - but I have a real feeling it might suit your DD. (Voice of experience ...)

I have one in a strict non selective private school - he has a longer day, compulsory extra curricular, lots of sport. He gets the train to and from school, at the moment I drop off and pick up from station, but that will change when it's get lighter and he gets bigger. For us it is about giving him some independence, he has future TROUBLE written all over him. At least this way I make sure he gets some educational foundation.

I think you need a bit of a break too. Sometimes "the support" needs some support! It sounds like more structure and smaller classes could be very helpful. I think you just need to take a very hard look and make sure the alternative is everything it seems to be.

Sounds like she needs more independence TBH. If you try to organise her life too much at this age she will rebel big time. If she's doing ok at school then that's fine. She is ultimately responsible for the effort she puts in. Sometimes it's better to back off, let them experience failure/ not doing so well, to have a bit of a fright and then to pull their own socks up.
Re the school run, just don't engage with petty arguments- it's just not worth it. Did you know that teenager's brains are programmed to view neutral statements as aggressive? It's all part of them gearing up to become independent.
Re the extracurricular stuff, she definitely won't do things that you suggest. Independence strikes again.I would back off and see what interests her.
To give you a couple of examples to help independence, I got fed up with DS (12) moaning about boring food. We let him do the weekly shop and menu plan, no compromises. If the cash ran out it was toast for the rest of the week. He took it really seriously and put enough by for a chippy at the end of the week.
He's a bit older now (14) and I got fed up with the arguments about fancy clothes. I set a monthly clothing allowance ( worked out by a mixture of cheap, midrange and the odd expensive piece) which was less than half what he was expecting, but I pointed out that when he is a student things will be really tight. He is doing really well with it and I no longer have any arguments about clothes .

Thedogs - I feel your pain.

We have moved DC (both with some form of SN) out of state into private one in yr 8, one in yr 9 but in my case in now involves me driving them to school when the used to walk.

We also ended up moving but still a drive from school but feel the weight of having teenagers who do not have local friends, which is not idea at all.

They are very happy in school and being much smaller in size than their previous school they seem to fit in really well, but it is a school known for having quirky children and mixed ability so it's not your standard private school.

I must say I hate the school run and the fact I've tied myself into a school day, it's really limited what I can do so I can understand why you would want to get rid of it.

I have found it hard to get to know other parents as lots of them got to know each other at the primary stage. So I don't feel very connected to the school.

the school being "outstanding" is a red herring. Ofsted ratings does not mean a school suits a child.

Do YOU think, deep down, the school is good enough? Do you have faith in her tutor, the teachers, the HT? The school ethos?

Why does your DD like the school? is she engaged in any of the subjects? excited about anything she learns? Ever tell you something extraordinary she learned at school (and occasional: "did you know! moment")

Is she placed in the right sets for her ability?

basically, is it the right school? It si normal for state secondaries to not offer too much to children with mild SEN (i.e. the none-statemented ones), especially if their results are within what's normal (my mildly dyslexic son gets no support, as he is middle set, i.e. within average, which I guess is fair enough)

Well, you know your dd best, TheDogsMissingBollock. I would go and look around the school yourself before you take her along, ask lots of questions and then think about how you could advertise it to her! Hopefully, in any event, it will be able to advertise itself: schools normally get a current pupil to help show you round. Hopefully they won't come across as posh, but will seem reassuringly normal! Thirteen is a difficult age for enthusiasm, though - as I say, it was the worst year of my school life. I didn't feel like anything: no longer quite a child, not really feeling like a proper teenager, not sure how I was supposed to think or feel any more, just bleurgh... It's not really an age when you want to thrust yourself into the spotlight. That doesn't mean you won't be able to cultivate a spark of interest, though, just that her initial stance of not wanting to know is perfectly normal for her age!

If ever I omit to preview I notice a glaring mistake as I press "post"...

Yr 9 is the usual changeover for traditional boys' public schools - it varies with co-ed and girls's schools.

I agree with Thereshallbeaspirin - try to make it sound like it would be a fantastic thing for HER. I think if she got keen on the idea, it would be a good idea for everyone.

In your position I would do the switch. But i would try very hard to bring DD on board because odds will be stacked against you otherwise.

To get her on board I would take her away for a couple of days at start of Christmas holidays to a spa or something and try to get her to chill out and talk about her future, because quite frankly she's steering it now, no matter what parental decisions you make. Get her to think ahead and then work backwards on how she is going to get there. Whether she is ambitious in terms of wealth, academia, music or drama, you can get all roads to lead backwards to the private school option. She also needs to think you are doing this for her and not to address your frustrations and issues with her.

I would also consider giving her the choice of boarding (perhaps at different school).

FWIW, one of my DC is on spectrum with PDA and is a right little diva most of the time. She has flourished in the independent environment where there are endless rules and structure and very, very long school days to keep her occupied. All of this (and small class sizes) have been a real plus in terms of her dealing with her challenges. On the other hand, another DC has dyslexia and my experience there has been more mixed to be honest and we are slightly wary of the increasing length of school days as the curriculum gets more complicated. So the type of SEN also needs to be taken into account because there is more at play to think about than simply the quality of the SENCO provision.

Could you not write lists of all the potential advantages of such a change for each of yourself, your dh and your dds, and likewise the disadvantages for each of you? Sometimes putting it in black and white does help, rather than mulling it round inside your head, where thoughts and feelings can get confusing. And don't forget that what makes you happier might well make your family happier, too, in the long run. It doesn't sound as though, in recent years, you have done much that will make you feel happier.

I guess you have to think hard about how much changing your dd's school genuinely could resolve your problems if it goes well, and whether it could make them worse. That depends a lot on the real reasons for the rockiness of your marriage, which you have not really expressed. Also, do you have a job in mind? What did you do before you went overseas/had children? Was it well paid? Did you enjoy it? Is that what you want to go back to? Is it a big issue in your marriage that you have sacrificed your career? Or do you just want to get away from the nagging and arguing and the lack of a sense of fulfilment in your current role at the moment, with the possibility of getting a job just being one of the things you could do with the extra time? At the moment, you don't sound like you've got much flesh on the bones of your idea.