Headmistress attacks parents in national press

sugarman - the refusal to put others first is a societal trend. It is not surprising if it is encountered in extreme forms among segments of society that live particularly high-stakes lives.

I admire her comments paticularly this one Something that shocked me quite a lot, and I've seen it more in the last few years, is the naked impatience with the idea of putting other people first that you see coming from some parents.

I agree wholeheartedly. However this attitude is not confined to parents of children at expensive schools, in fact I see it more at my ds' state primary than at my dd's private secondary. The overriding reason I chose the school for dd was because of its values and sense of community. In my view, this is key to a child's education and upbringing.

The rising cost of school fees (way beyond inflation) over the years has made them inaccessible to parents who were educated privately and who would like to purchase the type of education they themselves received for their children. The rise in cost of school fees is, in part, the reflection of the increasingly extensive infrastructure and facilities that schools have put into place and the wide range of co-curricular options. The cost discrepancy between no-fees state schools and fee-paying independent schools is massive and, IMO, unnecessary. It's like having a market of 2 hotels and 5 hotels and nothing in between.

Word. Another change perhaps is that there seems to be a greater assumption that money can buy things. So maybe a Statesmom (for those who remember the classic thread) can buy enough tutoring to get her son a place at Westminster. And may then assume that paying the fees is essentially buying an Ivy League admission. Different perhaps to those parents satisfied with an invitation to the Carol Concert followed by a glass of plonk in the House.

poison interesting point.

There is definitely a sea change amongst who is using independent schools. The traditional middle classes are being priced out of the market.

There was an article last week by some head or other saying only oligarchs now went to independent schools. Or some such. Obviously a gross over statement, but it is true that in London, house prices plus fees requires big dosh!

No doubt the new generation of parents want and expect something different from the last. Plus they tend to be on the coal face of global competition so can't be doing with the whole head-in-the-sand middle class schtick.

Poisonwoodlife - I agree.

SPGS occupies a heritage top position in a market place. The market place is changing due to issues beyond the control of CF or the Governors. The market place is made up of parents but I am not sure that CF has the slightest influence on their behaviors, which themselves are subject to market forces...

MN164. Yes. Dd was not at SPGS though as Poison suggests knows a lot who are. At times she may have envied the greater focus on academics, certainly she envied her brother's Westminster education. But never envied the underlying competitiveness and need to be top dog that she sensed amongst some of the Paulinas. The friendship group she had at her school was able to include girls across the ability range. (Some) Paulinas in contrast seemed much more aware and quick to judge those they perceived as less bright.

One episode perhaps illustrates. DD was doing a performance type activity in North London. Teacher asks me if she was having a problem with another child whose approach to the others appeared to be causing problems. Without thinking I reassured her. Dd was used to girls from SPGS and their competitive approach. I only really thought about it when the teacher then questioned why a behaviour was acceptable because a child went to a certain school, a school she had never heard of.

Now she is older DD can laugh about some of the competitive one-up manship she witnessed. But then the expectations on some of these girls was huge.

So no sense of failure on her part. But certainly a sense that others thought she was not as good as them.

Why thank you summer.

One of the mottoes I live by is that perfectionism is the enemy of achievement.

And I wonder too if lengthy home works are a result of perfectionism. DS is at an uber academic school but rarely does above an hour a day, usually less. Sometimes nowt at all!

His tasks often have no time limit, so it really is up to him. As I type, he is lounging on a bean bag watching re-runs of Two and A Half Men and isn't threatening to move in the direction of his books.

Obviously, revision is also a moveable feast. One does as much as one feels one needs to. For some that will be hours.

And obviously we have the dreaded Saturday school (boo, hiss) which means perhaps the pupils cover more than your average student?

Interestingly, DD (at a much less academic school) gets more homework! Or she certainly spends more time on it.

Interesting to put yourself in CFs shoes

On the one hand she is leading a school at the top of the tables, unashamedly intellectually elitist, and long the destination school especially for the elite intelligentsia. It is ahead by quite a margin of any other girls' school in terms of Oxbridge places. They can be highly selective of girls who are not just able (and there are parts of the entrance exam like the Science comprehension, that certainly will identify the most able) but have been tutored to a point ahead of what is required by other schools (though they do seem to make exceptions eg for pupils coming from overseas and, maybe even from the right families.....?) The girls that come to them can be relied on to preserve that atmosphere of working hard, seeking intellectual challenge and achieving excellence academically, musically and to some extent in drama and sport. That much is a strategy that thus far has worked.

However perhaps she recognises that the intellectual elite are rather being replaced by the moneyed elite, and that their daughters are being subjected to the sorts of stresses nomoresleep describes. Even the "delightful" parents are a bit stressed. Is this a threat to that special intellectual elitism of SPGS?

Meanwhile the other private school heads, the competitive environment, are beginning to worry about the stresses on their pupils, as a result of the exam system, modern life (social media etc) and changes in parenting. They are laying on parenting classes, giving their pupils lectures on "failure" and "happiness". Seeking to advise parents on how they can reduce the impact of these stresses. Heads of this new breed are being appointed as Heads of prestigious schools, rather than the old fashioned "race you up the tables" type .

Then you are going to meet with them all at a conference, where the agenda is all about highlighting these stresses and strains and how you best support pupils through them.

Whether or not she is really interested in changing the ethos of SPGS I can't help thinking "Hey Presto" !

I don't think that there was any mention of snowplough parenting being confined to non-working mothers and, IME, families where a conscious decision has been made not to pursue two very timing consuming career paths are families that are conscious of the stressors on family members and manage plenty of down time.

One of the very wise things that wordfactory once said is the importance of learning to be pragmatic rather than succumbing to the spiral of perfectionism which can be incredibly time consuming and often a hindrance to being effective.
Girls seem to have more of a problem with perfectionism, perhaps explaining why at SPGS and the like they drive themselves hard and their homework takes more than 2 hours. I also wonder how many of these maligned 'snow plough' highly educated mothers who don't work are also driven perfectionists who without the outlay of work are forming their daughters in their own image.

MN64 All these pupils mix outside school, at parties, outside extra curricular etc. My DDs have said similar of SPGS and Tiffin (superselective state grammar) Being set up as having beaten all the rest to a place by parents for whom it was the sine qua non can foster that sort of arrogance / illusions of superiority.

Try going on threads on here to say your DD turned down a place at SPGS / Tiffin though plenty do.....

Bonsoir Comparing the experience of DDs peers the less selective the private school, the more homework, certainly in Years 7, 8 and 9. However there is a bit of an arms race going on amongst schools that previously might have differentiated themselves on pastoral care / an emphasis on music and the arts and have now decided that what parents want is schools that are further up the tables and are trying to get there with less selective cohorts. I can't answer for SPGS but at a similar school the policy was that homework in Years 7,8 and 9 was never set if it could be done in class and, in the previous Heads tenure it could and was checked to make sure it was challenging, interesting and worthwhile (often more challenging than GCSE level certainly in subjects like English and History where skills of source analysis and literary criticism required were of GCSE level pretty much from Year 7). Parents were very much encouraged to get in touch if it was exceeding the allotted time, it varied day to day but never more than three subjects of 20 - 30 minutes. .

Opopanax OPs daughter is doing GCSE. My impression was that once they were faced with the syllabus requirements of 10 GCSEs and coursework, homework does increase but certainly as far as my DDs school was concerned whilst the quantity increased the quality and level of challenge decreased. It isn't particularly stressful or demanding of itself, at these schools work at GCSE level in the years before which means that GCSEs are just a matter of consolidation and securely nailing the best grade they are capable of in coursework and on the day. Of course there is a ridiculous arms race amongst state schools where it isn't uncommon for bright pupils to be doing 15 or more GCSEs, most private schools don't allow more than ten precisely so that pupils can have a life continue with other activities.

Having said all that how much time was spent with nose to the grindstone and how much on Social media and catch up TV is open to speculation.

I should also add that I remain to be convinced that huge amounts of homework in Y7/8/9 are useful based on our own experience of having DCs in normal state schools at that point in time. They hadn't exhausted themselves before they really needed to put their foot on it, IYSWIM.

My impression, from talking to parents/DC at private schools in Paris, London and New York and other major cities where DC are aiming for top-ranked global universities, is that the homework burden in competitive schools from Y7 onwards is wildly out of proportion with anything that happened in my generation, or that happens in normal state schools today.

The education arms race that is preparing DC for entrance to top global universities seems to get hotter and hotter and more and more out of sync with the ROW.

UpsetofWestLondon

"There will actually be two sorts of stress - that of the driven high-achievers who only want to achieve the very highest results, and that of the girls who can't reach such dizzy heights and will feel a failure when in fact their results will still be outstanding. Such is the problem of highly selective schools and we need to manage it as parents with a healthy dose of realism."

As an SPGS parent, what does or can the school do to help with the "dose of realism"?

It makes sense for CF to ask parents to adopt a "dose of realism", but does she and the school?

For example, what happens when students fall behind their projected/expected levels in topics?

PS - to all non-London, non-private school parents on the thread - I think this is an examination of a hyper-selective, highly academic school which may only be useful to a handful of other parents at similar schools around the country. "Mileage may differ"

Needmoresleep

I'm slightly confused. I thought you said you weren't an SPGS parent?

"DD has since described the competitive and judgemental atmosphere, as in you can't be as good or as bright because you are not at SPGS, as toxic. I certainly found some of the competitive parents very difficult."

Do you mean your DD was/is at another nearby school (e.g. G&L or LU) and this was her impression of not being at SPGS, i.e. she felt a sense of failure because she wasn't at SPGS herself?

nightly 2 1/2-3 hours homework

I would be really concerned about this and having a word with someone. Don't they do the Time Taken thing any more? In my day, we were set no more than 2 pieces of homework per day (obviously it relied on children spacing prep throughout the week rather than doing it all at the weekend or whatever) and each was meant to take 20 minutes or less. We had to write how long it had taken at the bottom. If a child was consistently taking too long to complete homework extra help was offered.

Rabbitstew, I love the idea of little snowmen. DD has built a fair few over the years.

I suspect SPGS generates a level of insecurity in others. I found it hard to hear about these all-singing all dancing Renaissance children who shine at extra curricular as well as securing 11A*s. The homework load seemed immense, and I liked the dad who suggested he would prefer his daughter to have less homework and more time to explore music and sport. Mine in contrast barely brought any home in the years leading up to GCSE. DD has since described the competitive and judgemental atmosphere, as in you can't be as good or as bright because you are not at SPGS, as toxic. I certainly found some of the competitive parents very difficult.

Thank goodness we are almost at the end of West London schooling. Looking back a more relaxed approach, a chance to fail, and time to find her own way has suited DD. She has more in the tank and it will be up to her whether she uses it to secure a place on the competitive university course she wants, or whether she takes a more comfortable path. Some of the very drilled children she knew will land their top University courses and continue into their high powered, high paying jobs. Some of these will be the genuine article, others will remain dull with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Others may lose their way at a point when parents cease to steer, or simply not be able to continue to compensate for lack of real ability by slogging.

One consistent but depressing theme though was "my child first". There is a minority that is not allowed to fail. Any small slight and the parents roll in ready to argue for the top mark, the place on the sports team or the prize. It did not always work, but we know enough instances of preference given because a teacher could not be bothered to argue to know it could be effective.

Poison is right. The problem wont be confined to SPGS, but as the most sought after academic school in West London they probably see more than most. Rather than criticise the attempts at "perfection" perhaps the focus needs to be on building resilience. You don't need to be the best, but you do need to pick yourself up and carry on when things don't work out.

You could well be right, rabbitstew. All the more reason for OP to seek clarification. And all the more reason for Ms Farr to take time to communicate with parents.

I think you are picking over her selectively quoted words far too much, tbh - something you should never do if you haven't read all the text. It seems to me that she thinks that some parents' attempts to "boost self-esteem" do the exact opposite and just set their daughters up to be unable to cope with failure, which would not happen to a person with genuinely high self-esteem, rather than someone terrified of failing because they've been led to believe this would be harmful to them... In other words, I think she was saying that what some parents think is boosting self esteem just isn't.

Self esteem is an interesting one.

There are parents who view any failure/hurt/disappointment as damaging to their DC's self esteem.

But these types of parents tend to avoid competition/selection for their DC like the plague.

OP The LEH Head generated similar headlines when she ran a failure week at Wimbledon High in 2013. The parents were collateral casualties then too.

www.telegraph.co.uk/education/10277505/Helicopter-parents-creating-a-generation-incapable-of-accepting-failure.html

www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/11000257/Schools-tackle-perfectionism-in-pupils.html

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-22280941

From the LEH Head's latest blog titled Perfection a few days agowww.lehs.org.uk/perfection/361774.html

^Knowing when something is ‘good enough’, keeping a sense of perspective, these are essential life skills and, as such, we want to learn them when we are young. School is the ideal place to practise and so I urged the girls, in assembly this morning, to start by checking whether they are over-doing some activities and perhaps under-doing others; spending too much time trying to perfect one thing at the expense of other, equally (or even more) important things.

Developing a strong sense of self-knowledge, understanding and trusting yourself, knowing how to spend your time wisely, knowing that perfection is only occasionally a worthwhile aim, all build self-esteem. Through self-esteem we hope will come the wisdom to understand that the beauty of one’s character is more important than the beauty of one’s face or body.^

Ms Farr couldn't possibly complain about your parenting, OP. I too was surprised by what she said about "delightful" parents and wondered if there might be "time issues" on her side as well. As mentioned in my last post, I was also surprised by her objections to prioritising "self esteem". If she wants to "attack" parents, as The Times would have it, she should be a bit more careful. I am sure you will write a thoughtful letter.

Now, she can hardly accuse you of being a snowplough parent if you tell her you think the school sets too much homework, can she? Snowplough parents clear the way for their children to steam ahead on an open road, they don't clear the way so as to enable their children to pootle about and build a little snowman on the side of the road before they carry on with their journey.