Headmistress attacks parents in national press

"And frankly when the Head of your school highlights something she is seeing in the girls at her school, shouldn't we all be wondering if there is a lesson there for us, not getting defensive and upset?"

I think that there is a lesson there but I truly wonder to what extent blame can be laid by Heads at the feet of the parent body? Surely the school itself has done something to attract that sort of parent (and keep them)? From observing different schools, the ones with the dog-eat-dog competitive children have competitive parents and management. They are subcultures of the like-minded.

The bigger question is what we are doing as a society to recognize that the power and wealth trip has got dangerously overheated.

Pah! West London stress is nothing ... try living in North London!

My DD decided that the competitiveness and elitism of SPGS wasn't for her, it took itself far too seriously and she chose the school where she had a good barney with the Head at interview, and felt her humour and experiences were appreciated. I know plenty of West London parents, it is in thread after thread on Mumsnet, who did just view the process as one of finding the right school for their child and who apply sensible expectations and boundaries on their children's behaviour. When I asked my DD recently how she really felt when I wouldn't let her go to unsupervised house parties or the Park to binge drink and take drugs at 14 or later stay out all night clubbing with fake ID she replied she was secretly relieved and glad I cared, all that freedom didn't make those girls happy.

In my experience plenty of West London parents are not infected but the GSAL are trying to highlight some serious problems that are putting their pupils (including those at Wycombe Abbey) in the teen wing at The Priory with depression, addiction to drink and drugs and eating disorders. Imagine if your parents, and in one case Grandparents who are paying for the tutoring, make it clear they will be disappointed if you fail to get a place at SPGS, and you know they will be disappointed, and indeed mortified to admit it at dinner parties? Imagine if they are constantly busy with their own jobs, social and sex life (not necessarily with each other) to have time to talk to you, or set sensible boundaries, other than to arrange for you to have the necessary coaching to get into the best swim, tennis, ski, rock climbing or whatever teams . Mental illness in young people is sad whatever the postcode.

The GSA Heads are also concerned about the pressure on girls, this was supposed to be the Headline gsa.uk.com/2014/11/gsa-head-warns-of-danger-of-creating-unforgiving-exam-system/ .

And frankly when the Head of your school highlights something she is seeing in the girls at her school, shouldn't we all be wondering if there is a lesson there for us, not getting defensive and upset?

I think I am rather a better judge of the edit of my life I post on the internet than you are, TheWordFactory. You are being crazily presumptious.

The conversation is not about whether it is easier to be rich or poor. Coming from a wealthy family does not solve every life problem, or even attenuate it: many truly horrible problems stem from families being on a wealth and power trip.

Bonsoir you post enough to give a fair picture.

I have been rich and I have been poor. My experience tells me one is much easier and less beset by problems than the other. Can you say the same?

OP
"I should say my DD is very happy at the school, does lots of things well and lots of things not very well but enjoys them so that's great."

So that's another parent at SPGS that has a happy daughter there able to deal with not doing so well at everything.

I went to the open day as met several students there. I asked them about stresses, anxiety, competition and feminism. They all seemed to have sensible and normal answers and didn't seems coached, stressed or haunted by any of the comments/stereotypes/prejudices that non-parents on this thread are throwing about. There is a tendency for people to come to conclusions and be judgemental based on heresay, gossip and preconceptions. It's not useful, even if this is one of the most privileged schools in the UK.

I will agree that there is West London parent hysteria, helicopter parenting and outsourcing of adolescence to private schools.

I have witnessed a school hall full of such parents, where the Mothers (mostly) have invested years of planning into the dreaded day of exams. As the children went off into the exam room, some of the Mums actually burst into tears with stress! It's not healthy for anyone and there is a "Darwinian" model in West London which is likely to be toxic to the children of parents like that.

You have no idea about my life, TheWordFactory, not what I do all day, because I don't post it on the internet. You are very naive indeed if you truly believe what you post. Are you so enthralled to the comforts of your adult life that you refuse to see any flaws in the society in which you aspire to belong?

Bonsoir I suspect I have lived a very more varied life than you .

But you aptly sum up, what I'm trying to describe here. An upper middle class person, with every advanatge in life, endlessly on the look-out to discover problems in other people's parenting.

Your posts an an endless stream of criticism of your friends in Paris. All resulting in terrible things happening to their children. They can't do anything right . And when things do go wrong, there's no compassion, only schadenfreude.

It's interesting to me as someone who has lived on both sides of the fence.

well I dont know bonsoir you are the one running around Paris trying to find the 'best' private school for your offspring. What point is it that you are trying to make?

When 10 year olds are cutting themselves and 12 year olds are hanging out in nightclubs with other DC who have been in and out of psychiatric units for years, and these DC are the children of bankers/business people/lawyers in the "best" schools in the biggest Western cities, how can this not be a serious problem?

But some children are facing serious problems. Far bigger than if their parents over schedule their evenings, or put too much importance on entrance exams.

You must live such a sheltered life, TheWordFactory.

rabbit I think it's two sides of the same coin.

Blame, criticise, blame.

Blame the poor for their situation and consequent problems in parenting (thus don't do anything about it).
Criticise the rich for their parenting (thus causing endless paranoia and diversion and, of course, sell them thing ).

IMVHO the vast majority of parents are essentially flawed but decent. But some children are facing serious problems. Far bigger than if their parents over schedule their evenings, or put too much importance on entrance exams.

I think she is right to a certain extent.
But I think is is a reflection on society more than anything else. We are convinced that unless our children have high flying careers, earning lots of money they are unsuccessful. They won't or can't be happy.
I think escalating house prices and the widening gap between rich and poor is to partly to blame. There is little middle ground left. You can't just do OK and be happy, you need to succeed, to get to the very top, to be a top earner. And the way to ensure children achieve this is to get them into 'top' schools, universities etc. And lots of other parents have come to the same conclusion. (At one point it would have been a sounder financial investment to put that £30k a year into the bank for them to use to buy a house but now that won't cover the deposit of a 3 bed semi in parts of London)

Never mind if a child is truly academic - with enough coaching and tutoring etc, time and money thrown at them it is still possible. Agree with others about the 11+ frenzy seen on here.
Truly bright children at one point would sail through the 11+ and get a place at a decent school. But now they are competing against children who are having all the extras thrown at them. I don't believe any child would get through the 11+ today without some tutoring/coaching. Which misses the point somewhat.
Also exams have been made easier - so 10A alone isn't enough - it needs to be 10 (or more) As from a good school. Then degrees have been devalued, 'everyone' has one - it needs to be from Oxbridge or at least a RG and it needs to be a first.

I think we might be raising a generation with MH problems, who have been put under so much pressure to do 'better' than they are really capable of. And ones who would willingly push their colleague under a bus if it meant a promotion....

rabbitstew - I agree and it doesn't make me grin.

Given the fact we are constantly told how disproportionately the privately educated are represented in positions of power, I think we have every right to take a great deal of interest in their dysfunctionality, because they will only go inflicting their flawed ideals on the rest of us.

Of course it's ridiculously first-world of me (educated middle-class involved blah di blah) parent to be criticising or analysing the parenting style of another woman (educated middle-class involved blah di blah) when to outsiders we probably look identical.

But we are on mumsnet discussing SPGS aren't we, not, Benefits Street?

The ridiculous thing, and many parents do not seem to realise it, is that there are plenty of other very good schools out there where a bright child would also do extremely well. If you have plenty of money, there is a huge choice if you can get yourself out of West London and consider boarding.

Clarissa Farr would know what normal parents look like from her previous Headship! She did not run a pressure cooker there and she undoubtedly encountered girls and parents who were well rounded human beings. This manic pursuit of glory by parents who feel they are defined by what school their DCs go to is extremely sad.

I doubt very much if Clarissa Farr is bothered about SPGS not being top of a league table this year. As for thinking her remarks have anything to do with this: complete rubbish! I would be fairly certain she and the Head of Wycombe Abbey know each other pretty well because top girls' school Heads talk to each other!!!! Even if parents think these schools compete, in reality the Heads would not see league tables, which are defined by such small margins and, in effect, one or two results, as being a major concern when your results are still stellar!

I am also very dubious about the outright dismissal of the "undeserving rich" teen. Pressure issues are rampant among the adolescents of London, New York, Paris etc and loopy parenting is the foremost cause.

Decent but flawed apparently.

"I would speculate that she knows SPGS has a reputation for attracting derangedly competitive parents, and that some families will be put off the school precisely because they are not that way inclined themselves and don't really want to engage in that particular bunfight."

This is a powerful hypothesis for Ms Farr's motivations behind her current communications campaign. I am currently in the market for a Year 7 place for my DD (fortunately in Paris, which is marginally less insane than London) and I have written off one particular school because of its insanely competitive style.

no rabbit stew they are rich and therefore 'good' parents by default.

Good heavens, TheWordFactory, what news do you listen to?! There seems to be a beady eye constantly on the unemployed, poor, ill and disabled - usually attempting to justify making their lives harder and blaming them for their problems. What makes you think the dysfunctional wealthy should avoid similar contempt?! Are their children's eating disorders, anxiety disorders, drink and drug problems never contributed to by their dysfunctional parenting?

code does have a point, the 'high mistress' is hardly referring to average or normal parents is she? and anyway I couldnt take a school seriously that had a 'high mistress'.

farewell cross with you.

I agree. And you know, it wouldn't be the way I'd handle it. But I've seen a lot of families facing a lot of problems and met a lot of children whose lives were really difficult, to find this middle class focus on the parenting imperfections of other middle class parents a bit, well, self indulgent.

She's set her school up to be so selective in it's entrance exam and fees that I cannot see how even the brightest child from a state school would pass without intensive parental support, tutoring and pushy-parenting. Then she complains about the type of parents her policies attract. You can't have it both ways 'high mistress' so maybe it's best to re-think your selection criteria.