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Original poster

I think DDs school want her out

258 replies

lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 10:54

DD 14 attends an academy school. She is achieving very low grades 3c-4a . She has ADHD and dyslexia . In the last few months they seem to be targeting DD . DD is no angel but she has never bullied anyone sworn smoked etc . Her crime not concentrating and being a bit disruptive (chatty ). Previous schools have dealt with it well simply by refocussing her . They tell her she is going to be permanently excluded then wonder why she has become more defiant and off with them .I know there are students much more challenging but achieve higher grades and they don't get harassed. They call me many times a day over things like her shirt was untucked ,she had gum really trivial minor things that don't warrant the sanctions and calls home.Where as some classmates truant and swear and nothing.Even her classmates ask teacher why they only tell DD off . When i complain they more or less say im the problem and they are trying to "correct her behaviour" and i make it difficult. Sadly moving her isn't an option in the area i'm in. I'm so desperate i'm considering homeschooling but she'd hate it she is very sociable . I have made official complaint and outcome was they are doing their job i'm preventing them. What would you do?!!

OP posts:
PolterGoose · 13/09/2014 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MexicanSpringtime · 13/09/2014 21:14

If you want your child to behave better then the basic premise is that you give 100% support to her school and in front of her you say that they are right and you support them

That would generally be my policy, but when a child is being bullied by the teachers, the last thing they need is for their parents to side with the bullies.

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 21:05

Hardly !!!!! I think joining in on the attack would be more damaging. As i've said 100 times i am 100%behind them most of the time but i will not allow DD to be bullied . I come down very hard when she is at fault. I don't speak negatively about the school to DD just listen to her and advise her where she could have done something differently .I think saying "i fully support the school calling you stupid" is going to be fairly damaging.

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 13/09/2014 20:55

'If you want your child to behave better then the basic premise is that you give 100% support to her school and in front of her you say that they are right and you support them'

Because contributing to the decline in a vulnerable child's mental health is a good thing?

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 20:13

Thanks that article is what i think DDs school are doing. Harass me enough and i'll pull her out . Although when she said she was going to leave they said"no where else will have you once they hear from us" another charming line! I called a number i found on the department for education website for advice they said it was very common for schools to push underachievers out !

OP posts:
TheXxed · 13/09/2014 20:06

I can definitely believe the school is picking on your daughter because her grades. Its a well known tactic

www.theguardian.com/teacher-network/teacher-blog/2014/may/17/secret-teacher-education-students-targets

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 19:57

Thanks for support guys think some things get lost in translation. Yes i used gum and shirt as eg my issue is not this being challenged but the continual issues ,constant negativity and no praise when things are going well are far from ideal.It is bordering on harassment and yes DD is being snappier is this the desired outcome i think so. Even CAHMS were shocked by the reports from school they didn't say why as DD was there but she raised her eyebrows and said "just wow can't believe they sent this out" .

OP posts:
mummytime · 13/09/2014 19:51

I think you need to start making more of a nuisance to the school yourself.
See the SENCO, say your DD obviously isn't coping so what help and accommodations are they going to make for her. Get dates by which things will be done, make notes, follow up.
Contact the HOY or whoever to discuss her behaviour issues, ask about what they are doing to improve matters? What are the steps they have taken? What sanctions have they imposed, how are they helping her to turn her behaviour around. To be honest teachers threatening exclusion sound ver inexperienced or ineffectual, it's not that easy.
Whatever Parent Partnership is called nowadays may be able to help.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 13/09/2014 19:35

It's astonishing how many kids with SEN I've managed to tell to tuck their shirt in without them having some sort of breakdown.

So happy for you. That doesn't mean that constant nitpicking at a child with SNs is appropriate or helpful.

I'm not sure having low expectations of them across the board would be doing them any favours.

There's a difference between having high expectations and nitpicking.

I think my post was pretty clear, so I can only assume you are deliberately misunderstanding what I said. You go ahead and bash on with your agenda. I only came on here to help the OP, not nitpick. I'll bow out and let you get on with it then. Hmm

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 19:30

I agree you get out what you put in.By all means discipline is key but so is credit where credits due. DD spent hours doing a presentation and tried so hard blood sweat and tears at home (literally!). She was proud but worried she was told "not good enough could have done better" . Everything is i think your capable of more not good enough . How do they know ?!! They have never said one thing she has done is good enough so what are they looking for or judging this could have done better on !!

OP posts:
Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 19:24

Thanks 3little frogs how was your situation resolved ?

OP posts:
capsium · 13/09/2014 19:23

I can and did noble. These 'tried and tested' techniques do not seem to work across the board, do they?

Flexibility, responsiveness, sensitivity and treating children as the individuals they are is far more important IME.

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 19:22

I don't want her to be treated differently just not to be picked on. Once its been decided they are trouble its very hard to shake that label.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 13/09/2014 19:20

capsium teachers who ooze authority from every pore are a rare thing. That's a personality trait. Other teachers, the majority, have to employ behaviour management techniques. And setting your expectations high, and at the door of your classroom is a very powerful and useful one. It's not playing games or any bollocks like that, it's making your classroom manageable. You can't tell teachers that they shouldn't employ tried and tested behaviour management techniques, they should simply ooze authority instead, that's just silly.

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 19:19

I used chewing gum and shirt as an example !!! its not all about these two issues which have happened once each . I wouldn't mind a teacher saying that to DD . It is just relentless . That does not warrant a call home ,after schools and being put on report . What you said would be ample "put your gum in the bin tuck your shirt in and don't come in like that again" would have been enough. Everything is just being blown out of the water and its breaking DD she often calls me crying from the toilets . Last time DD was told off the teacher said "go and call your mum crying over this off you go" . DD is very literal and was told she looked like she "was sucking a lemon" she said "im not look" ( opening mouth) . This was seen as sarcastic massive communication breakdown.Tell her to "pull your socks up" and she will do just that.

OP posts:
capsium · 13/09/2014 19:16

noble you don't sweat the small stuff. People who are genuinely in charge do not need to play power games to assert their authority, it just oozes from every pore.

The best teachers I remember were like this, inspiring, commanding and fascinating. I've worked with children too (including challenging ones) and never required the nit picky style discipline.

3littlefrogs · 13/09/2014 19:16

OP - I am sorry you have had a bit of a bad time on here.
My dd was bullied by 2 teachers at her school and it went on for a couple of years.
It is an awful position to be in because generally people always assume that the teacher is right and the child is wrong.
Sometimes it isn't that simple.
I am afraid I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to offer a bit of sympathy.

noblegiraffe · 13/09/2014 19:15

It's astonishing how many kids with SEN I've managed to tell to tuck their shirt in without them having some sort of breakdown.

I'm not sure having low expectations of them across the board would be doing them any favours.

Obviously there are always individuals who need special handling in matters of discipline, but I've found that that is independent of SEN rather than being a blanket rule for a group of kids with a particular label.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 13/09/2014 19:10

giraffe there is a difference in dealing with dcs with LDs or SNs. If a teacher said that to my 8yo, he would take what she said literally and simply walk away or sit down outside the classroom. Not being shirty, just taking what she said literally, like it was a choice IYSWIM. Dcs who struggle like that will fall apart at constant nitpicking like that, as their anxiety will skyrocket, leaving them unable to cope with learning.

noblegiraffe · 13/09/2014 19:06

Low level disruption has always been present within education and IME the classes which had the least disruption were the ones which were the ones where the teachers actually bothered to engage with the pupils. Constant criticism over trivial matters does not help to engage pupils with a subject, it just builds up resentment and smacks of playing power games.

While I agree that building relationships with the kids is very important, sweating the small stuff is also key. High expectations of behaviour and 'trivial matters' sets an ethos for learning. If a teacher stands at the door and says 'you're not coming into my classroom dressed like that, or chewing gum' then a message is being sent about who is in charge. The teacher has to be in charge of their classroom otherwise with 30 kids in there there would be chaos. And I've seen it happen.

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 18:36

I think building good relationships with the students has a massive impact on learning and know how to get the best from them. Some DCs thrive under pressure some crumble they are all individuals . It is tricky as you try and teach your children to stand up to bullies but that backfires as defiance if they feel the teacher is being unfair. There is so much pressure on schools to get that outstanding label and certain grades the DC's needs are not considered . One teacher that called me to complain ranted for a while before i said "that doesn't sound like DDs name" she said oh wrong number should have been " ooppppsss i must be on speed dial.

OP posts:
capsium · 13/09/2014 18:27

I really do not think this constant harping on at any child (unbelievably to the extent of contacting parents) never mind at one who has additional difficulties impacting on their behaviour, over trivial matters improves the quality of education one iota.

Low level disruption has always been present within education and IME the classes which had the least disruption were the ones which were the ones where the teachers actually bothered to engage with the pupils. Constant criticism over trivial matters does not help to engage pupils with a subject, it just builds up resentment and smacks of playing power games.

When we were a Secondary we were disciplined and told to tuck shirts in etc. However these matters were not escalated in importance to the current levels. No wonder some children become demoralised.

Original poster
lucydaniels4658 · 13/09/2014 18:22

Its not that i think she should chew gum or disagree with telling her not to but this week she can't even seem to breathe the right way and breathing down her neck 24/7 is turning her into a nervous wreck. They don't need to call me about an un tucked shirt for gods sake just tell her to tuck it in . I feel like they are documenting every tiny thing as evidence as maybe im suspicious but for two teachers to tell her she is going to be permanently excluded is a coincidence plus they have set a new bar of 90 % will get 5 A-C's. I know you say other students aren't my business however an A student has since DD started bullied on three occasions , smoked cannibis in school and truanted (and before you ask i know this is true won't say how but its not from DD). However if DD did anything like this she'd be gone before i could blink .

OP posts:
schoolnurse · 13/09/2014 18:11

No one wants children chewing gum but all I'm saying is that a child who is clearly stressed and unhappy needs tactful handling and not being being told off at every turn. this will alienate her further and makes her more anxious and stressed. It's also not necessarily the mothers fault, she may be getting the gum from a school friend so why ring her. It's the same with an untucked shirt? Who cares? My DS is very tall and very thin his shirt barely reaches his trousers it's always hanging out, in the grand scheme it really doesn't matter, it's only a shirt. He's at a very smart school but no ones ever says a word.

MexicanSpringtime · 13/09/2014 17:54

Not chewing gum is well in the control of a student with ADHD. They simply don't bring gum into school

However if a child is being told off everytime they turn around, what have they got to lose?

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