DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

Both do indeed bring valid points Portofino but only one is stalking the other, and closely - a very weird and threatening character trait.

Its a wonderful opportunity and on your doorstep. My dd travels 20 miles to attend grammer and didn't know a soul when she started. A year on she has loads of friends, she only sees on friend from old school very occasionally.

Stalking/trolls who knows? But if this is genuine, then both parents bring valid points. My view is you don't let an 11 choose their school based on where their mates go.

prettywhiteguitar he's not the first and he won't be the last but the very fact of doing it marks him out as a very disturbing controller.

OP I'm sorry. I thought but forgot to say that your ex is exceptionally low for stalking you. Phenomenally bad username too. Poor you, and good luck.

Word you knew nothing, you just worried - very possibly needlessly. The work probably hasn't done your DS too much harm. It's all so unnecessarily complicated in retrospect. So much easier when you've done it all before.

Dot1ngdad, hope you will stop poking your nose in your ex wife's threads. You sound very bitter and controlling man. Hope she will be able to find some space for herself away from your freaking attitude.

Supadoula... I hope your mediation went in your favour, only a few days til school starts so wish you all the best.

Keema. Although grammar schools have the same cross section of society as comprehensive schools there are less 'bad eggs'. The fewer bad eggs also are prepared to work when exam season comes round. The bad eggs at a grammar school will stop behaving badly when threatened with expulsion. The reason being as a 'rule' they don't want to end up with the 'CHAVS' at the Modern ...

The other problem is that at some comprehensive/modern schools a critical mass of bad eggs exist and there is no way to address the behaviour.

I am grateful to DDs1 'Modern' school for realising this and effectively 'segregating' her and the other 20 'high ability' pupils from the rest of the school. The segregating enabled them to meet their potential.

There were some right cows at my Grammar School, Keema. Bullying was still rife and lots of,drugs and underage sex. Anyone who thinks selective or expensive education rules this stuff out is mad. You get unpleasant people no matter how posh the family.

Is it really the case though that selective schools simply need those who are 'cleverest' by taking some test that can't be prepared for. Surely pupils who thrive in selective schools need to also be grafters? They won't be able to just get by on their natural ability. They need to show a willingness to engage prior to getting a place.

The Grammar schools local to me set their own entrance exams on top of the 11+, so tutoring for the test doesn't really help. It's one way of levelling the playing field, I suppose.

Chuckling about the brightest and best shoulder rubbing though. Grammar schools have the same cross section of society as comprehensive schools, just with a group of kids that on average may be brighter than others. Home troubles, teenage rebellion and all of the other things that shape the children through high school level will still be there. It's not an automatic pass to a rose tinted education.

I cannot believe you have stalked your ex-wife and posted on her thread.

This, you are incredibly intrusive posting in a discussion created by your ex-dw

Learn some boundaries

If doting dad is really the dad here then his perspective is interesting, thinking about the broader perspective, and as some other posters have mentioned, a clever child will do well in most schools. Academic hot house is not for everyone, especially if they have to be tutored to get in in the first place. My choices for secondary include the mega rigid hot house catholic school which is considered one of the best in Brussels. I won't send my child there as I feel nuns should form no part of her education, even if that education is exemplary. And that there is a better, more rounded choice in either the other catholic school, or the local commune school. All these schools are comprehensives in a practical sense. They do not / cannot select according to ability.

I suppose I believe in true social mobility where you cannot buy advantage in education either by tutoring or private schools. All children should have the same opportunity. I do realise that catchments and house prices put paid to that anyway.

It's all rather odd. DS had to work bloody hard for his scholarship to W. I mean I didn't have to sort it, the prep school did all that, but he had to do homework and past papers etc. I didn't consider it brutal nor did I worry he wouldn't cope once he got in. I just knew he would not get a place and certainly not a scholarship if we just winged it,

LaQueen obviously there are some completely mad parents out there - the sort you describe - but there really is no escaping the fact that tutoring weekly for a year is intensive, even for a super selective grammar. Your DD does objectively fall into the category of intensively tutored child, assuming she was receiving a satisfactory education elsewhere. That's not to say she wouldn't have passed in any event because obviously intensively tutored children can be as bright or brighter than the wholly untutored , but there's no doubt that she received the advantage in the test that the new tests are intended to counter.

Where does one draw the line, though? I mean, you were a bit more confident that your child wouldn't fail without tutoring, the parents who started in year 3 were more worried theirs would fail. You all obviously had a bit of fear that your children wouldn't pass on their own, or else you wouldn't bother, surely? Which is perfectly understandable of course, but makes scorn towards those who were just a bit more frightened than you a little bit strange!

Thanks Catcushion. I was not counting the 2 B grades expected , I hope she does not end up with 10 B grades. I expect to be 'attacked' for rubbishing B grades now...

Your dh is an arse, however isn't your best port of call talking to your dd.
Irrespective of your stbx or yourself for that matter you want your dd to be happy.
Talk to her and let her understand and take in the points you raise, one of which is whatever high school you go to it is unlikely you stay friends with primary school friends.
tell her she will make new friends whichever school she goes to.
They are old enough to be reasoned with, and once she sees this and changes her mind there is no issue with stbx.

Ah, have just caught up and read your opening post, dot1ingdad.

I don't know the schools involved, but from the extra information given (child is set and tested at level six and extended in current school, so she herself is not being 'failed' by the school; the grammer is more maths/science and that isn't where child's interests lie) she grammar school might not be such a great match for her. Worth considering the whole picture.

Please though, don't go down the 'doting dad' route, as it just rises heckles or makes people want to hurl.

One of the best things about DS. School is that he's just one of many... I really did not want him to be an outlier at school.

smokepole good luck to yout DD! DD1 was the same, in some ways. She only just got into a grammar here (easiest one to get into) but although was gifted in some ways, some things she really struggled with. Eventual (different) diagnosis and treatment and her acceptance and coming to terms has meant she actually got the results your DD is predicted (plus another 4 Bs) and is off to a superselective for sixth form, where her sibling is.

Good luck to your DD OP. The 11+ should give you an indication of your DD's abilities and yes, being offered a place at grammer school when they didn't get tutored should tell you that is a good environment for them. It isn't a good learning environment for many though.