DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

I wouldn't allow an 11 year old to make the decision. Most 11 year olds don't want that sort of power and responsibility. I would support the student's own decision at sixth form.

Yes, and supporting their child means supporting the decision they have all arrived at. To get to that point, there needs to be discussion...Very hard for both parents to put feelings to one side and see it like that, but that is what is in the child's best interests, so they do it for her.

In the long run I think the thing that is most damaging for a child is to have parents who don't try to communicate and come to joint decisions about what is in a child's best interests.

It's really not very easy to work out what is in a given child's best interests, within the current educational climate. Some parents have very strong ideological baggage, which means they do have a clear sense that a school of type A is/must be better than a school of type B. Others take a more nuanced view. They'd reckon it depends both on the individual child and the particular way the schools available to her or him function.

I think that - on balance - my partner, child and I made the 'right' choice for our daughter. But there are times when particular issues come up and I think 'We wouldn't be facing this particular concern if they went to school B.'

Essentially the two parents need a) to talk to each other off-thread and b) whatever decision is finally made to stick with it - and stick with supporting their child. That's really what is going to make the difference.

Start another thread if you like, polonium. I am no longer posting on this one.

Hakluyt - your son failed the 11+. You then appealed by trying to prove he is bright enough for grammar school. Why would you do that if your honest belief is that kids with supportive parents will do well anywhere? And if you believe grammar schools are morally wrong why would you apply to them in the first instance? You are inconsistent.

Indeed Theoldhag - Not sure why the mum is pushing for her dd to go to school near her, rather than the parent she lives with. Isnt this massively inconvenient to the child? The other schools is 25 miles from mum, but not 25 miles from where the dd lives...

*say, not day

I think both parents need mediation ASAP.

You will both be divorced TO each other for a long long time, the rest of your lives actually, so you need to sort yourselves out and stop the boring power games.

If in doubt, focus on your kids and what's best for them in the long term not on how beautiful their free spirits are, or how wonderful your relationship is with them, and stop wanking off here.

Grow up, and SORT YOURSELVES OUT in mediation. You need to be parents to some kids here.

Sorry 25 mins away not miles, still the mother states 10 mins.

'Add message | Report | Message poster FuzzyWizard Sun 31-Aug-14 09:35:15
Why has everyone assumed that the XH has "stalked" her onto this thread? In the OP it was stated that she wanted to use this thread as "ammunition". Is it not entirely possible that she sent him this thread? I think the stalker accusation is a bit strong. A lot of initial responses seemed to assume that he was NRP and that OP was the primary carer. Some even suggested that as NRP his only right was to be told what school his daughter would be attending. He came on to say that actually he is the child's primary carer and to justify his choice. He could be a lying controlling stalker or he might just have been responding to a half-truthful thread sent to him by his ex. Who knows.'

Thank you fuzzy i am not the only one that is about a few things stated by both parents, the father being the main carer/rp, him stating that the dd did have tuition whilst the mother stated no she didn't in the op. The minimising of distance from the op (father states 25 miles?).

If this situation was reversed and the mother was rp and father nrp and the father wanted dd to go to a different school then people would be saying that he has little right to do this, mother main carer and should have last day etc.

I am amazed at the reactions here tbh.

The father it seems looks after the dd, surely the final choice should rest with him? The dd wants to continue with middle school (on to senior with her friends?). She really should be given a voice.

Grammar doesn't automatically mean good.

As for stalking well that is only one possibility, trying to gain ammunition in this situ is just wrong.

The poor dd, it is her I feel sorry for.

Parents who want grammar school places for their children need to be more than just imterested and supportive, they need to be articulate, using quite sophisticated vocabulary and be able to help them through maths problems. Or pay for tutoring. Ours didn't need tutoring because DH and I come from the kind of background where word meanings abd maths problems are part of 'normal' conversation with our primary aged children.

Exactly! My child is at the grammar that the OP wants, having a miserable time and missing either chunks of, or entire lessons because of bullying.

You know deep down if she goes to less academic school she will coast, she will be top of the class doing not much and then get into bad habits

There's nothing to say that won't happen at the grammar! If she is miserable, how effective is her schooling going to be?

I think the argument about selection was inaugurated with the (possibly quite knowingly contentious) comment about 'rubbing shoulders with the brightest and the best', word - obvious bait, obviously going to be risen to.

Tad unfair to say that Hak should not say anything about selection when things are already being said about selection by others with different perspective.

I don't think being interested should have to extend to teaching or checking up on DC re. homework? Isn't being interested generally in how they're doing enough?

Supportive parents have a huge
Impact on a child's education.
I am that parent.
My dcs attend/ attended a school which was deemed inadequate( primary)
Yet they are doing well
That is because myself and dh are interested parents who support our dcs education.
I am on annual leave at the moment but have spent the last week helping my dcs with English , maths, science etc. I suppose my dcs are fortunate as my dh and I are fairly well educated and therefore are able to help our children.
However, I know many children of recent immigrants who have achieved outstanding GCSE results at both grammar and comprehensive schools.
They have one thing in common.
Supportive and interested parents.

You can't have truly comprehensive education where indy and public schools exist either.

Who says truly comprehensive education is a good thing? DH turned down an Eton scholarship and went to his local comp. He basically took over teaching maths there (relative was a maths teacher and he was the girfted type.) He went to Cambridge a couple of years early. But did that benefit the other children in his school year? The SN provision in the school was terrible.

I don't think the problem is grammar schools, it is that more that teachers can't teach, because of behaviour of children, class size and wide differentiation, as well as not getting training in SN (which is what I call teaching!)

QQS parents do not need to check homework is done once a child hits Y7! My parents certainly never did but were sufficiently interested in my education. I've certainly never checked whether or not my own DC have done any homework and am sufficiently interested in their education. If a DC doesn't do homework, that gets noticed at school and the DC gets into trouble - the DC needs to work out for itself that homework needs to be done.

However, I do agree that it is a shame that parental input should matter at all.

My parents took no interest in my education, or my spare time activities. I think I was the only child at my football team whose parents were never at matches. I was the only child whose parents did not take me to horseriding, so had to drop out, as it was difficult to cycle there in winter. They paid for my activities, they just did not take me there, I had to find my own transport or get there on my own, even as young as Y4.

I had no help with homework, nobody checked that I did my homework. Yet, I was not in a deprived family at all. I still managed to do reasonably well in school.

"Why should anyone have to put up with "anywhere"?"

Indeed. Why is a school deemed "satisfactory" allowed to continue their "education" by this government?

Why change to a stricter and better curriculum when schools are not able to deliver the current curriculum to at least somewhere between "good" and "outstanding" as minimum?

If all schools were outstanding, and striving for higher standards of education, you might find that the allure of the Grammar and the fee paying school diminished, as children would be at an even playing field.

Laphem if you reread my post you will find that I said that a bright child can do well in a good school. Your school does not seem to have been good. It does not appear that Ops child is in a school similar to yours, and she has parents that wants the best for her schooling, so the child is already half way there! I assume from your post that your parents did not encourage you to become a doctor or lawyer seeing as it never occurred to you? So, what was really missing from my post was the addition that a bright child could do well in a good school ^with the support of parents who care about the child's education".

I didn't start it, Word.!

To be honest hak to use a thread where woman is seeking advice on how to deal with a controlling ex on your 'campaign' is a bit low.

The OP really doesn't need lectures on your views of the selective system. Time and place ...

hakluyt - bright child with supportive parents and no SENs/other issues might do well anywhere. Or they might not. And there is nothing to suggest that all kids at grammar school have supportive parents. And being generally supportive and being usefully engaged aren't necessarily the same thing either. Many parents who are supportive of their kids (want them to do well) are about as much practical use as a chocolate teapot (I'm certainly one such).