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Original poster

DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

262 replies

supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:18

Our gorgeous DD passed her 11+ without any tuition and then got into a grammar school 10 minutes away. She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.
Without my knowledge, DH phoned the headmistress of her previous school (a failing middle school in special measures!) to ask if they would have her back. Of course, they said they would. Now, DD is convinced she is going back to her middle school...
I am going to mediation tomorrow with soon to be ex DH in order to sort this out ASAP. She is registered at the grammar school anyway but I need ammunition so that DH realises that it is his parental duty not to give into his daughter's whims and think about her long term future. Help!!AngrySad

OP posts:
inthename · 26/08/2014 22:08

also make pastoral care team aware that you have been to mediation and that dad tried to place her in another school (possibly with a short face to face meeting) because it will all be relevant to how your dd is feelng. Find out if they have a buddy system or similar, if its only 10 minutes from home then she'll soon make friends. Sounds like hes reacted to the whole 'its boring and I don't like it' but to be honest until she gives it a go for at least a term she won't know!

antimatter · 26/08/2014 22:01

He reacted to her pelae of She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.

I think I would look through grammar school website looking for differences and advantages.
Write it down and read out during mediation.

Gcse results, leavers destination, pastoral care, extra curricula opportunities
anything what in your opinion would be good for her.

You know deep down if she goes to less academic school she will coast, she will be top of the class doing not much and then get into bad habits where she isn't forced to push herself and compare with better peers.

Read other 11+ threads for arguments and copy them down!

Good luck!

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:55

They had a 5 day space camp at the beginning of the summer holiday. Unfortunately, she didn't like it very much and said it wasn't really fun and everybody else was boring... They also insisted that they would test them on the first day at school and that students would have to be ready to make mistakes as they were used to be first in their previous schools but might not be any more in grammar school. All good prep but DD didn't like the sound of it.
They have a pastoral care team and I will phone them before school starts to make sure she gets as much attention as she can get.

OP posts:
inthename · 26/08/2014 21:47

No, parental responsibility isn't about being your child's best friend, its essentially covers his right to know things like her school, medical appointments or any other decisions that are typically made.
I really wouldn't waste your time getting angry or trying to make him see a point he doesn't want to see. I've had similar from my ex - ds won a scholarship to an independent school and ex told me that he would never contribute anything, now, as the time comes to move schools he refused to sign any registration forms or application forms and told ds he'd be better at the local comp. Luckily my ds can see what he has measured up against what his father wants, which is I suppose what you need to work through with your dd, getting her to think about what she would gain from going to the grammar school and making sure she goes despite any fears she may have (otherwise you have unintentionally given in to a whim)
Does her new school have taster days etc, encourage her to see the positives and she'll be fine

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:43

yes, it is not only detrimental to me but showing DD that my opinion does not count. Angry

OP posts:
Mintyy · 26/08/2014 21:38

Its not really to do with whether she'd be better off at a grammar or not, its to do with your stbx making a unilateral decision without consulting you!

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:38

It was a joint decision to get DD to try out the 11+ without any tuition as every single teacher in primary told us she was "grammar school material". Yes, I will point this fact out in mediation.

OP posts:
Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:36

Surely, parental responsibility is more than being best friends with your daughter. I don't understand why DH does not get the point. I am so angry that DD is now completely unwilling to go to grammar school when it is truly an opportunity for her.

OP posts:
inthename · 26/08/2014 21:34

He doesn't have the right to reverse the decision on schools. Were you together when she sat the 11+ and passed? If so, then focus at mediation on the fact it was a joint decision. Does your dd live with you and do you claim the child benefit as you are then effectively your daughters 'registered address' as far as schools are concerned. Is the old school nearer to where he lives? I'm wondering if he made his decisions not so much based on what your dd has said but what suits him better. With the mediation, try not to go for the 'giving in to whims' line, more the 'we made a joint decision'
Does he have parental responsibility (if his name is on birth certificate and you were married he will have) that covers his 'right' to know which school your dd is going to and says something about 'being consulted' that doesn't mean that he can ring a school up and place your dd there essentially without your knowledge, neither should you.
As far as your dd is concerned then you need to make sure she knows that she will be going to the grammar school, that she'll make new friends quickly and unfortunately her dad gor himself a bit mixed up.

QOD · 26/08/2014 21:31

What a dick

She has to give it a chance, my dd has made all new friends at grammar, would have at high school anyway, but my point is, it's all change. She barely sees her old best friends in the world, he's a fool.

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:25

This is exactly what I think. Friendships are not permanent at this age and I will do what I can to keep her existing friendships alive...

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 26/08/2014 21:23

Your DH is mad.
So few children get the chance to go to a grammar school.
I got a place at the local grammar school but my parents didn't send me because I was worried about missing my friends. So I went to the same school that the majority of my class mates were going to.

Ironically - I didn't really get on with most of them as we all got older.

I have regretted it for the rest of my life. I truly believe I would have done much better at the grammar school.

At 11 I was not mature or sensible enough to make that decision.