DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

Had exactly the same problem myself DS got a place at an independant ex put a block on it because of HIS beliefs I took him to court and won the right for my DS to accept the place but still the ex even up to this month is saying he can go to the school down the road. As I've taken on the responsibility for all the fees. the judge said to him your son has got a place at a good school and your problems is what exactly? she saw right thru him, that it was nothing to do with DS but a total power trip to stop me. Didn't get him very far tho. son has been for open day and is excited for the start of school next week despite his father trying to put a damper on everything. Li don't get it I thought that you were supposed to try and get your kids the best you can, trust me my elbows are worn out from all the pushing I had to do to get him where he is right now and it will be a financial struggle on my own but its my DS and I'll do it. Can't understand parents who don't give a fig and just want to make things difficult to prove a point. you need a specific issue order filed in your local county court you can represent yourself its about £250 court fees free if your not working.

Inthename how are things going for u ?

The small details do not matter - is it 10 minutes or 25 minutes away? Was child tutored or not (I believe the father here anyway)

They both agree that the gorgeous wonderful free spirit is sad going to the grammer school and would prefer to be in her other school. The question is do you dismiss this as a parent because you think you know best. Or do you take your childs sadness into account.

Maybe a good chat with the three parties is in order, and then a vote.

I'm not siding with anyone- because I don't know who's telling the truth.

Its good to get both sides of the argument and Im siding with the father on this one. More often than not, children are not being listened to, as if their opinion on the way their life is heading is unimportant.

If the child is talented she will succeed. People put too much emphasis on schools and academic results.

At 11 parents need to be making the final decision on the schooling of their child.

I think she should go to the grammar school and make the most of this opportunity.

It would be impossible I would think to re-join the grammar at a later date when she realises what she has thrown away. If the grammar turns out to be the wrong thing to do she can go to the other school. By then I suspect she will have settled in and be enjoying the experience.

OP's EX bog off and leave your ex somewhere private to get support.

You both are her parents so need to agree on there school, neither one of you has more say.

It's going to be hard enough on your DD as it is with the split without at least listening too her and letting her feel she has some choice in her life.

So did she have tuition, or not?

Is the school ten minutes away, or 25?

Is there any point in discussing it at all when one party (or both) simply isn't telling the truth?

My df failed the 11+ (when he should have passed) and was given the option to move over to the grammar at 13+ and 16+. he refused both times, but said as an adult he realises he would have enjoyed the grammar more and it would have done him a lot better, and he wishes his parents (who had no qualifications having left school at 12/14) had insisted.

I think you might both need to stop doting on the gorgeousness of your wonderful free spirit, actually, and think seriously about the choice between a failing and a good school, and between a good grammar and an outstanding 13-16 comp.

11 year olds are not the same as 16 year olds, and between you, you need to choose the school she will grow up in.

Is the grammar downgraded because they can't show 'outstanding' progress for an already excellent intake, perhaps? If it's science-based, that might mean your daughter finds for the first time that well-taught science is a joy.

Admittedly, it might be the dreary, boring exam factory she seems to fear. Find out.

"Why would a child not be suited to grammar school if she has passed the exam to go there?"

Lots of reasons. All the exam tests is academic ability. There is far more to school life than academics.

He is a prick

OK, so if your DD had tuition and is going to a school 25 mins away, whereas the OP's DD had none and is going to a school 10 mins away... are you sure you are on the right thread? Or did you agree to pop the question to Mumsnet from both sides?

Thank you for again placing your soon to be ex wife in a position where she can't discuss anything.
I think mediation will help both of you as you will find that under parental responsibility laws NEITHER of you is entitled to make these decisions without the other and family law and courts now require that you both sit in a room and discuss important things like this.
For whatever the reasons, you paid for tuition, your dd sat the exams, you accepted the place. Up until what sounds like a few weeks ago you were all happy with the decision. Applying for grammar school isn't an overnight process.
Its now extremely important that neither of you place your dd in a position of trying to please either one of you over the other and that she is able to discuss how she genuinely feels with a neutral person.
If the grammar school was so not suitable, why apply in the first place?
Please, as someone who has been there and got the t shirt, don't turn this into a battle but try to see beyond each getting their own way back to what must have been a shared decision and goal once.

This is not about choice of school, this is about Power!!! Who has it and who wants it. Being a Governor has nothing to do with choosing a school. Why would a child not be suited to grammar school if she has passed the exam to go there? Obviously, covertly suggesting to child she may not fit in and engineering the situational with her old school (why did the Head just see one parent - a Governor maybe?) will mean the child feels insecure and will divide and rule. If tuition was paid for (by the caring parent) then the grammar school was the intention. Both parents should support the grammar school place and you will damage your child even more if you do not work together.

Superdoula- what does the grammar school offer that her current and subsequent school don't?

I don't see there's anything wrong with him putting his version of events across.

Soloman they're already split up.

OP, name change and get over to the relationships board. Following that lovely stalky post from your DH it is clear that choice of school is a symptom of bigger problems.

Why did you pay for a years tutoring if you were planning on sending her elsewhere doting?

You say the current head said her school was better - of course she did! Why don't you go for a look round the grammar, with a truly open mind?

Yes, our Gorgeous DD passed her 11+. This was with a year of tuition (I know, as I paid for it, being the primary carer at the time – and now, as it happens). She may well have passed them without tutoring. I write this not because I think she is any less of a wonder, but because that is not the only misdirection in M's account.
DD is a wonderful free spirit, a true humanities girl with a gift for art, performance and literature. She has enjoyed great success at her current school (albeit failing by Ofsted’s measures), has excellent SATs and in fact has taken Level 6 exams as part of a project within the school to stretch gifted pupils. She has participated in school productions and its many external activities. She is happy there and in two years will go to a local school rated as Outstanding. She will then, again, do extremely well and, if she chooses, take a place at the University of her choice.
The Grammar school into which she was accepted is maths and science-led. It is a Good school by Ofsted’s measure, which I believe is disappointing, given that it has an exceptional intake and is funded as an Academy. It is a good 25 minutes away, in another county. There are no transport links to it from our area. It makes no sense either academically, socially or logistically to send her there.
As any doting father would, I contacted her current middle school two months ago to discuss the option of staying on. Only after a thorough conversation with the head teacher did I resolve that her current school was the better option. Why didn’t I discuss this first with her mother? Mostly for the same reasons we will no doubt soon be ex. I am no sucker and would send her to grammar school in a breath if I thought it best.
FYI: I am the primary carer and have been on and off for many years. I have been a school governor and worked for 25 years to help children with exceptional speech and language difficulties. I know advantage when I see it. I have a beautiful relationship with both of my wonderful children and will do all I can to usher them happily through their childhoods, and that includes choosing what I feel, for myriad reasons, is the best school for them.

Does she realise that at the end of middle school all her friends could well go to other schools anyway?

Really sorry your STBX has handled this like this.

I think it's important that your daughter feels she is being heard. At the moment, as far as she is concerned you are not listening and don't understand, unlike her dad.
As well as explaining all the advantages the grammar has, could you also make a deal that so long as she tries to make the most of it, you can review the decision at the end of the school year.

My nieces are at a grammar school and they love it but they were both really scared before going which is natural. I went to middle school which isn't that usual and also did well in my 11 plus (I am ancient now) but I didn't want to go to grammar school and I have always regretted that I gave my parents such a hard time because my best friend in our road was off the local comp (which was great by the way) but I regret creating a fuss now as I realise that if an opportunity comes your way, it's okay to take it and be adventurous, but it only took me over thirty years to learn that!