How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

In my book there's a difference between analysing (which I feel should be a neutral process of collecting information to understand or interpret something) what other parents do and judging what other people do. Having analysed why something happens of course then you can judge them but I just find it unsavoury to judge another parents actions strangers or not. Parenting is hard we should be supporting each other not judging each other. Maybe you don't agree?

TBF many of the 'anti boarding brigade' as you so charmingl put it(of which I assume you're not including me) were boarders...

Dazzle boarding is emotive and always brings out of the woodwork plenty who have exceedingly strong views either way. Generally the pro boarding brigade have happy, well adjusted children, with excellent relationships with their families and of course know many others in the same situation and are unable to comprehend the views of the anti boarding brigade who usually don't have children of their own at boarding schools but are happy to write inflammatory statements in a very authoritative way.

Happy obviously, in RL amongst freinds one doesn't share the analysis, unless you really rate something they've done, then I would pass it on, or unless it was something really bad and you felt you had to.

But this isn't RL and we're not friends. We're complete strangers. And the whole point of MN is for us to share our internl lives anonymously. And that inlcudes analyses we make about other parents.

That's what makes it fascinating.

If everyone simply agrees with everything we do and shares the same view point, then we might as well call ourselves FaceBook .

Parents certainly do fuck children up but many don't, many do a good job often impossible circumstances and their children turn out well adjusted, happy and relatively free of neurosis they get jobs, have successful and happy relationships and children, of they also make errors, ruin relationships loose their jobs and take anti depressants start a fresh and still fail but for me this still doesn't mean they're fucked up. They're just being human. This is not to say some aren't fucked up by their parents of course but I genuinely believe that they are in the minority.

Mmm, it's to do with whether you're able to have a rational debate. If your emotions are too strong to be controlled, then it's better to walk away.

Wow, huge thread BUT OF HUGE INTEREST! I need to read all of it as from next month am starting nqt year at v.posh boarding school!

"But if someone says to a parents of a (happily) boarding that our choice will (or even may) damage the child, he or she can expect a fairly vigorous response it's visceral."
Thank you grovel for pointing out the obvious at least it seems pretty obvious to me. I'm sure if the boot was on the other foot and we were criticising day education with the same unfounded statements many would be very quick to defend their position or even better if I launched the same sort of attack on state education spouting my personal views, and gut feelings we all know what sort of debate that sparks.
As a wise friend once said "I never think it's a good idea to criticise how others parent especially if you want to maintain harmonious relations with them".

rabbit, you may be right but I think I'm actually more fatalistic and agree with Larkin's first verse (if not his third):

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

I get your point, DazzleII, but think that questions relating to parenting bring out really strong emotions.

If it was your opinion that Cabernet Sauvignon is infinitely classier than Pinot Grigio I'd laugh and tease you for being a wine snob. If you said that everyone should breastfeed for 12 months I would be more antagonistic (because I did not have the choice and would hate the idea that you thought my child might have been let down by me).

Tricky, innit?

The number of people in the world who feel damaged by things that happened to them in childhood or who behave in ways that indicate they might not have had fantastic early years indicates to me, grovel, that you are an optimist.

I think it's just different approaches to MN. For some people, it's interesting to discuss opinions; not least because that's a good way to re-formulate your own views for the better - obviously you wouldn't take on board ideas which were unhelpful. For others, a different opinion is a personal thing, and so offence is taken.

TheWordFactory, I certainly agree with your second point. Most children are extraordinarily resilient and will find a way to cope/be happy with whatever we throw at them (and worry about).

morethanpotatoprints, it's better than that. They do name tapes too. What's to dislike?

Of course we re-assess if there is a problem but if someone says to a parent of a (happily) boarding child that their choice will (or even may) damage the child, he/she can expect a fairly vigorous response. It's visceral.

I can't believe this thread is still going

grovel They wash their clothes for them? That is reason enough for me, then.

For goodness sake everyone, you do what is best for your children. I'm sure the people on this thread either contemplating or already have dc at boarding school will have thought it through and be reassessing all the time.

Once again, I read a thread on here and I am no further towards making the decision, but I've come to realise this is good as there is no quick easy answer.

"Suppose we've got it wrong? Too awful to contemplate" - surely if we don't constantly re-examine the choices we make for our dc, we will get it wrong. "Too awful to contemplate" - that's denial.

grovel I always figure that providing we're prepared to continually reassess, admit when we've made a mistake and change things, we'll be okay.

Also, that lots of things we parents worry about probably have a negligible impact on our DC .

I haven't read all the posts on this thread but just wanted to say that I spent 7 years at boarding school in the 1960s/70s and loved every minute of it. I have school friends all over the world who think the same and we also keep in touch with some of the teachers who were there at the time. It was such a happy time for us all. My own dp lived abroad and I and many others flew across the world every holiday to see them. The plane journeys were a riot. when my parents eventually came back to settle in the UK they wanted me to leave (for financial reasons) but I resisted every attempt.

The thing is that parenting, and the choices we make for our DCs, are so fundamental to our self-worth that we (parents) will always defend our choices to the n th. degree. Suppose we've got it wrong? Too awful to contemplate.

Of course there are some parents who outsource their parenting. Of course there are bad parents and parents who don't like their children. The trouble with the way people are taking things so personally on this thread is that they are are being included in the outsourcing, bad parenting and disliking group. They aren't. Some boarding parents are going on about day parents micromanaging and smothering their children. I know I don't do that, so I ignore the comments.

It's just that you said 'your' so I thought you meant me, since you were addressing me.

It seems odd to tackle me about a statement that I neither said nor believe...but hey ho...

FWIW I think attachment issues are extremely serious and rare. When posters bring it up with regards to working mothers, I know they don't understand it properly.

Boarding, for the most part, would only have a detrimental effect on attachment for those DC with exisiting difficulties. I very much doubt it would cause them in DC securely attached.

Re: judging/analysing, well we disagree. I think it's good to look around you and judge and analyse. There's no need to assume that all judgements will be negative. Far from it. There are lots of opportunities to see other parents doing it differently and thinking 'that's such a great idea'.

But yes, there will be times when we see something not too great and think 'how can I avoid that.'

Uusally one wouldn't actually pass on the analysis to the analysed. But MN is different. The whole point is to externalise our internal thought patterns. So that MN becomes an interesting insight in to what people are thinking.

I couldn't justify sending my dc's to boarding school.
But we have jobs thst don't necessitate moving the family on a regular basis, and no other compelling reason to need to.

I can understand a decision for a child to board if it is, for example, for continuity of education for the child of a military family.
But doing it through choice wouldn't be my way, and I struggle to understand it.

word'whee did I say you said it? I was using it as an example. I know I'm apparently not allowed to generalise or speak from individual personal experience am I not allowed to use examples of other peoples comments either?